A Mothers Love

Virus strikes

2012-02-15T16:57:00.000-08:00

I Loathe taking JJ to daycare. we have a virus now.. fever of 103 and can't keep anything even pedialite down.. Poor guy. No relief for him and this is day 4.. going on 5. We return to the Dr tomorrow hopeful for an IV. I know who hopes for one of those.. me... who knows that it has to be better for him than all this needless throw up and heartache.

He is too cute for this.. (I know I know we all say that)

On a good note.. we are 4 weeks away from his First birthday - Happy 11 month old. JJ is 20 lbs.. 31 inches and walking like a champ.. He says Hey Dad.. Dadda.. something like thank you. He knows sign language like.. all done.. more and eat. Everyday we love him more as we watch this kid learn and explore..he is our happy.. our love. our light and our connection to Joseph in heaven. We love our life still, always and more.

Joseph can you hear momma? I know you can as you continue to share your gifts with us.. Thankyou for my sunrise in Florida on my way home.. I felt you deep in my heart.
Momma

Wakeful

2012-01-26T05:59:00.000-08:00

Why in the night do I feel so restless. Dreams of you silent of late. Thoughts of you vivid and strong. The smell scents the sheets and I feel you in my arms, heavy and whole. Tears stain my pillow upon awareness that I felt you but could not see you sweet little man. As I try to fall into a dream again with hopes of a whispered, I love you or vision of dark hair and big smiles another tear spills as I notice I missed the window again.
Upon reflection I think you were there... snuggled in close for a while working your magic. I only wish tangible the moment.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you more than every breath I have. I would give mine for you if possible. thinking of all that you are in heaven and loving you tender and soft. deep in my heart son.. deep in my heart. Love, mom

Me

2012-01-11T07:17:00.000-08:00

I had my corporate picture taken... Here it is. Wow has time changed me. This is the first professional picture of me in almost 3 years. I am a lot closer to 40 than I expected. (HA HA) I guess I still feel so young inside that it surprised me a bit to see that I'm older. What is more surprising is that I can see the grief still on my face. I see Joseph in my eyes and around my smile. I see the hidden element of what grief does to you emotionally. Yes I am smiling.. I love to smile.. life is still good but I am so different that I expected. Time heals.. life changes... we move forward with our children in our hearts.. Seeing this, I know what it looks like to lose a child.. I'm sure now when I look at others I will be more knowing too. Can't hid from loss even if you have it all figured out.. it is always with us.

Joseph can you hear mommy? As our worlds still collide I see you.. I see that I carry you everywhere and not just in my heart. You are written all over my face.. I love you sweet son! mom.

Kick Butt 2012

2012-01-01T08:16:00.001-08:00

Hello 2012.. This year we plan to kick your butt.. Jonathan will walk.. eat well.. grow and turn 1. Momma will keep teaching at the gym and change jobs at Honeywell. Dada will get in shape and be strong for us.. We WILL go back to IVF this year and it WILL work the first time round...

Get out of our WAY.. KIA! and Karate Chop you!

Joseph can you hear mommy? Tell God we have big plans for this year and to move over ... the Jean team is in charge this year! and oh yeah.. we love you more today and it is stronger each second. mom.

Christmas again

2011-12-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

Decorated the big boy place.. stayed to watch a little Arizona critter dig into a hole behind a rock near by. It was really a beautiful day. JJ came with us and left a matchbox truck. Paul and I stood in the awe of Joseph again. how can yet another year have gone by without our beautiful son? Less of the Why's question us and more of the wishes for a different outcome hone in. Watching our JJ touch Josephs foot and seeing how big his hand is in comparison causes reflection. Growth, cycles of grief. Each time I circle back it gets a little larger. longer gaps in between big boy place visits. less tears for no reason. I am softer.. So much softer. A kinder spirit. With each breath I wish for him.. but with knowing I understand it all. Finally the gravity all sunken in and only the choice to make continuous our hope.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you beautiful boy. I love you with so much of my heart. I feel your Christmas spirit and remember you always. To heaven and back... Mom

Doggie = not the dada

2011-10-28T14:46:00.001-07:00

so for some time now little JJ has been talking up a storm. He talks to himself all the time in his crib and I often feel like he and his big brother are swapping stories of what life is like in heaven and on earth. Big J is teaching Little JJ how to communicate with me and be funny/silly so that I understand the difference between the two and how they work together to tag team me... I love the sparkle it gives me and feeling of awe when I notice that what I'm hearing is a practical joke from Joseph... delivered to his brother directly from heaven...

This is what I mean... JJ is very sweet very loving little boy who is serious and thoughtful like his dad. Joseph in my mind was a little "gus" bully that would steal your milk money at lunch and then be a class clown, like his momma. So Jonathan started talking a lot.. Dad... dadda.. daddee.. Being the mom I am still pushing hard for the momma daily.. telling him mom..mommie.. mommmmm so he can learn..

Yesterday JJ being held in my arms.. Reaches in so loving holds my cheeks in his two little hands.. leans in.. open mouth kisses me with slime and drool.. Pulls back Fast, Laughs and looks deep into my eyes... and says "Dogie" and then gives me a hug.

man being the "not the dada is hard" being the dogie? Oh well thanks Joseph for the jokes on mom.. telling the brother what to do and say to make me feel you..

God I love my boys... Man I love this life... Amazing

2 Years.. and a whole lot of love

2011-10-14T09:55:00.001-07:00

2 years turns fast, quicker than tomorrow.
Love always lasts, and so does the sorrow.
Hand in hand they come, Love and despair.
They walk with one another, as a perfect pair.

Love brings warmth, confidence and cheer.
Despair cast doubt, pain and fear.
Without despair, love has no feeling.
Without Love, despair has no meaning.

neither of the pair, know about the concept of time.
Both know the good of innocence and the evil of crime.

Love sits high above the curtains, on top the valance.
Despair crawls on the floor, sits low, and keeps balance.
Without love, despair sits alone, in a two person booth.
Without despair, love is empty, and lacks real truth.

In that balance, between extreme pain and the perfect love.
In that challenge, of not drowning, keep a head above.

THIS is the space where someone can live forever.
Chaotic, yet lovely, it is what the universe really tells
about despair, perfect love and the balance felt...
To parent a child in heaven.

Joseph Henry Jean, I know you hear me sweet little one, my own. I miss you and love with all my heart. 2 years and still more for you and from you each day. I miss you, Mom.

14 and 8

2011-10-10T07:28:00.000-07:00

14 years ago.. we decided to commit our lives together. Like most of you who read here.. for better or for worse. You already know what the worse is...

8 years ago we had a party.. A celebration of our love and married. We bonded our lives fully in the circle of life.

2 years ago this Friday we had our first born after many years of trying and hoping...
7 months ago we celebrated his brothers birth... our second child our rainbow.

There have not been a lot of "easy" days in these past 2 years... but I can tell you that united we stand for that better good of holding on.. Nobody can break our bond... not even death.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Yes.. that is you in there... with our love! We will celebrate your birthday with the Arizona walk to remember this year. All of our friends will be there along with your momalene, auntie Jill and of course mommy and daddy.. we love you sweet son. You amaze us.

Hello God? It's me Grief again

2011-10-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

I've been running at a pace that is too hard to keep. I've been making excuses as to why I don't have time to stop and think about Josephs 2nd birthday and the fact that he is in heaven. I stopped caring about the process of grieving for my son so that I could focus on JJ, my husband, my job, the dogs and frankly anything else that could distract me..

Yesterday Grief caught me again. It choaked me down and sucked out the wind in my sail. Held in terror that I was missing him so deaply I wept... at a stop light. Why does it always hit you in the car? How could I ignore the pain and burning in my heart of missing him for so long. Bleary eyed drove on...

HOW IN THE WORLD HAS IT BEEN 2 YEARS ALREADY?

deep breaths... deep breaths... it will all be ok. I need to honor my grief again.. talk about it.. and him. Bring back the good work I'd done getting to where I am... staying true to the feelings and love for my baby. I can feel the shine on the way as I yet again turn to the next chapter.... of all of our lives...

Joseph can you hear mommy? I am reminded of you in my heart everyday... as it beats with its love for you always. I miss you sweet child. I am still reaching heaven from earth with my focus. Love always, mom.

Time slips by.... so slowly, so fast

2011-09-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

I can't believe Joseph's Second Birthday in Heaven is near. I celebrate Joseph on his actual birthday.. not the day he passed away... So October 15th is coming again as I know it will for years to come... and the time has pass so slowly. I find myself saying that I can't believe it has been two years and yet two years have flown by so fast. My neighbor across the street from me named Sofie may sum this up the best. Her daughter died at the age of 2 48 years ago. On her daughters birthday each year she told me that she looks in the mirror and See's herself now a great grandmother and a new mother holding her 2 year old daughter in her arms. She can see the lines on her face as the passage of time, real time has gone by.. but the reflection shines inward and instead of the place she is in real life.. she is standing beside her true self.. the one with the baby in her arms again. I imagine this feeling is so true for us all. Time has not been kind to those mothers who did not have BLM's to blog with or friends to have birthday party's for and Walks to remember their babies.. but - Kind to us all in a new way that time can pass so slow in our hearts and fast as the days and months flash in front of us.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you sweet baby Joe.. my heart fills with your light each day as I reach heaven in my dreams and kiss your sweet face goodmorning. May my love for you stay slow... so you savor each moment until I see you again sweet boy... mommy.

Hospital Suck

2011-09-04T11:02:00.000-07:00

It takes your breath away.. it knocks you down to your knees again... No oxygen can fill your lungs when you have to go to the hospital with your child. I have been there already.. I have been there too much.. I have seen so much suffering. I can't do it again.. and yet there I was pushing the tube down JJ's nose. I saw myself standing next to the crib... Sick with hospital worry. He is fine now and home again but this time with an NG tube. He does not care about it - he is just fine. All the tests run negative. He just lost weight.. and then did it again the next week. So here we are, almost 6 months old. finally back to 14lbs. Hospitals suck the life out of you... and leave you crusty, broken, tired, and weary. Grow my little man.. grow.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I smelled you there.. felt the pressure and willing of your body for your brother.. Oh how I miss you sweet baby... If only... if only...

Every Ounce Counts

2011-08-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

With all the feeding issues our little dude has had from go... he is gaining weight again! Feeding therapy, GI specialist combo has finally started to work.. Knock on Wood we hope to be leaving behind this minor (although annoying) complication. Like a prize fighter we weigh in every Sunday to chart the growth. Still in the 7th percent.. YES hence the term Little in our dude.. he is strong.. He like Mighty mouse saves the day every time he pushes to eat that "extra" ounce. We have started him on solids a bit early to help. If he has a bad bottle we get to try to spoon feed him oatmeal.. His willingness to give it a try is so cute.. He smile so wide that you can almost feel the cheers from around the world each chance he has at a successful feeding. So proud I am and so thankful to have the care we do for him... As he so playfully lays here talking to himself in the mirror I smile and hope and begin to dream of moving past the reflux worry. Go Jonathan... you can do it Mr. Amazing.

Joseph can you hear momma? keep the pressure on to help your little brother grow strong and forward. I keep seeing you hold his hand in strength and support as he masters yet another skill and milestone

He Sleeps

2011-07-24T17:08:00.000-07:00

In the midst of reflux so bad that he could not eat...but a few ounces...
he sleeps.
In my arms wrapped with worry and fright for him...
he sleeps.
In my dreams I see my two sons playing here on earth...perfect, healthy.
I wonder...
Is that was he sees when..
he sleeps?

Heat Grief

2011-07-09T08:13:00.001-07:00

As the dust kicks up in the thick heat of summer in the desert...I feel suffocated... Hot wind smacks me in the face and does not offer relief. No perspiration because it evaporates too quickly.. I am hot.. tired and irritated by just about everything. Another oven temperature wave of heat blasted me in the face yesterday... equally hot tears of grief spilled from my eyes... Joseph on my mind. The ever present offering of Why questions pleading from my lips again.. Why did he die? Why didn't they save him.. Why didn't my Dr. know that I needed him out a week before? Then the Choking Ifs ... IF IF IF IF. I sat vacuum sealed in my car not wanting to turn on the air as punishment for it.. Self deprivation won't bring him back I know but in those moments of grief.. nothing can change your mind that somehow all those questions will be answered and you will have your baby back.... if.. 20 months later and I am still surprised at my grief. It springs up and puts you down even when the days are filled with gratefulness. It brings you to your knees while the most precious things.. the sweetest times of my life are still going on. Heat grief... the only thing I can call it, came and went...Left me dry and salty. I miss my son. I miss my son.

This Dust Storm passed... the rage of it all gone... empty and spent again.. the grief subsided...love filled my lungs... I took a deep breath and smiled again.

Joseph can you hear mommy? There is more love for you than any word can describe. I feel you angel watching over us and as I wrap myself in your light love you endlessly... mommy

All the way from heaven

2011-06-26T08:28:00.001-07:00

He came down to be with us.. all the way from heaven.. and the baby in heaven smiled on as the family played yesterday. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the beauty shown by my son Joseph.. he is all around us.. watching.. laughing.. hoping.. loving. I can see him in the sunshine just past Jonathan's smile.. Do you see it? The pure beauty in one look. The silence of the moment captured without a thought. brothers together, forever and always... All the way from heaven.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt your love all day and know how much fun you had while we swam. I see you here in the shine and glow of heavens love. You are amazing baby.. with love.. mommy

Sister

2011-06-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

Here is my sister.. she holds a special place in my heart. She and I have been apart 14 years.. That will never happen again. Reconnecting... loving.. and holding tight to all what we know and have.. never letting go.. Love

As far as my heart goes...

2011-06-10T19:56:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when I feel my heart beating... It reaches to heaven and back before it beats again. Often my heart fills with such joy... My heart over time larger. It has big patches of comfort sprinkled with sorrow still. I never knew how complex the heart to be. It is greedy and I'm glad about it. It is soft for compassion. It knows when to push on and when to fall back. It releases the ability for love.. in any form.. to understand how unconditional and simple everything really is. As far as my heart goes.. there is no greater love than my family. With my husbands arms wrapped around and Jonathan cradled in tight by my side... Our hearts beat back to heaven to kiss our sweet Joseph and surround ourselves in this light.

As far as my heart goes.. there is limitless love.

Built in Birth Control

2011-06-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

She needs us.. all of us.. Lisa at Built in.. Her twin rainbow babies.. born and passed today. I am as I'm sure any or all of you who read this have heavy hearts for her. Loss on loss... Please reach out to her if you can.. builtinbirthcontrol@gmail.com

Read her story.. Twin Girls gone to soon and now.. Twins again this time a boy and a girl.. http://www.builtinbirthcontrol.com/

Leave her a message.. Tell her you love her as I know you do. She needs us.

Brandy

Stepping out

2011-06-03T09:07:00.001-07:00

I am taking another leap ahead of grief and life after having my rainbow baby. I go back to work on Monday. Yes.. but not sadly I go. I've been in this house for so long.. with grief as my wing man.. then hope as my guide.. now baby in my arms but, I'm ready. I got my clothes out.. ironed and ready.. I will fix my hair this weekend as to not show my age too badly. I will put makeup on daily again. I will return to the road as a warrior of all that there has been in my life a different person. The little things just don't matter to me at work... So what if someone is a little late.. or that driver cut me off on the way in.. I don't care anymore if my coffee is cold or if I won't get that "prefered" parking spot. I've got my big girl pants on and am so ready to be THAT girl again. the one with confidence.. the one with Joy and pride.. The one who they look at and say good things about. I am no longer she who lost a child.. I am the one who was brave enough to try again and sucseed. I am the one who faced down all adversity and in my option with honor. I have worn my emotions on my sleeve. I have not hidden from the pain or the reality. I never chose this life.. but I am damn proud of it.. I will be there Monday.. at work.. and although you may not know it by looking at me.. Strong.. With every beat of my heart determination and courage ring out. I swallow my fears and spit them back out with proof that it is my choosing.. to move on.. and forward. Stepping out again with grace. See you soon new world and look out.. nothing can stop me.. Not death.. not fear.. not sadness.. not worry.. not YOU because it is ME who is living.

The good.. the bad.. the ugly

2011-05-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

Yes I am so excited that my rainbow baby is here. No.. I did not get postpartum depression like I thought I would.. Yes this baby is a tough cookie. No.. it is not fun right now. My life today is absolutely everything I've always wanted and then nothing like I thought it would be.
Our little JJ has Acid Reflux. What I thought was colic was not.. it was an extreme case of the burning.. hurting.. cry himself to sleep stuff. I spend most of my days with worry that he is not getting enough to eat.. then if there is anytime left if I've done enough for him to sooth his hurting body. My baby Wants to be so happy. If we are not eating.. burping.. doing tummy time or sleeping.. he does smile and tries like hell to eat even though it hurts.
We have a GI specialist that we will see soon. Until then we are holding on for this ride. I am not complaining. I am seriously in love with this child.. BUT I am also ready for this to end. It may take months for him to outgrow this and I'm here to say BOO. We start each day with such promise. He takes Prevacid and some dark karo syrup (so it does not bind him up) We wait and hope.. and then begin to feed him. Some feedings are ok.. no screaming.. Others will tear your heart out of your chest. Sometimes he eats well.. Others he tosses it all across the room. We never know what is going to happen I've seen milk come out this child's eyes.. nose.. mouth.. I've literally held him as he gasps for air and chokes. I have cried many many times and prayed for relief. I've fed him in the tub.. lap.. boppy.. sling.. while walking.. singing.. talking.. with the vacuum on or the TV up. I've just about exhausted everything in the "fussy baby" book to try...

Yes.. this is a growing thing.. YES it will get better.. No I'm not a quitter.. and No I'm not complaining.. I just wish this poor kid could eat a ton of food and feel good about it... Although I understand a Mothers love all too well.. it has a new level of importance when your child is here. is hurting.. and you sometimes can't comfort him. No I'm sure he'll be fine.. Just wishing for today instead of tomorrow.

More Penny

2011-05-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

When you have a rainbow born on the same day of the month as the child who is in heaven.. your milestones and remembrance days get mixed up and all mashed together. Joseph and Jonathan born on the 15th of the month. Now I know that once Jonathan is over a year.. we won't be counting down those monthly milestones as much and this will get easier but... right now it is a little hard. Yesterday we had every intention on going to "the big boy place" to have another picture of my boys together and to celebrate JJ's 2 months and Josephs 20 month anniversary. Needless to say we did not make it out there. It is only 5 miles down the road and we didn't get there? Yes I know things happen and priority is for our little guy at home but emotionally that was hard on me. I wanted to get there. I tried to get here.. I needed to be there and yet.. did not. Silent tears fall. As I choked them back and finished the things that needed to be done around the house before a new week began.. I found it.. another Penny. It was in the laundry with the towels.. Yes with the towels so no possible way it could have slipped from a coat or pants pocket.. It was not in there when I put the towels in to dry.. In fact we never herd the clang of it as the dryer tumbled.. So I got my boy on HIS day anyway. In the midst of grief and worry over not being there for my "big boy" he was there for me.. AGAIN.

Joesph can you hear mommy? More pennies please.. they make me feel happy and clam. they let me know you are sending kisses down to me.. and I am thankful. I miss you so much sweet guy.. My baby boy.. Always love, mom.

Safe

2011-05-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

The safe place in my heart over loves... The safe place in my mind over thinks... The safe place in my image feels young.. the safe place in my relationships over kind.. The safe place in my house over stays... the safe place doesn't worry or wonder.

Turn the what ifs off.. it is.. and enjoy your loves..your thoughts... your image..your friends...your family.. your welcome. Move over doubt there is only room for positive!

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel safe with you in heaven..tucked in tight with God. Sleeping with other angel babies.. but I miss you and often feel you close.. close enough to touch. Reaching my smile to heaven..arms out.. Love mom.

Family history

2011-05-05T07:49:00.001-07:00

That is me... when I was 12... I am holding my first nephew, Tommy. My sister Jill gave birth young and we were really close growing up. She now lives across the street and can be seen in this same position as I was then.. now with my son. There is so much history in our family.. I started with this picture as Tommy is my sisters first born.. and my family's first baby (after me as I WAS the baby). He brought joy to us all.. My sister was very young when she had him 19 and it seemed impossible that everything would be alright.. but you see it is.. all right..and it happened as it should have for her.. Happy times.. good memories and lots of family time.

There is another type of history in our family... coincidences some may call it.. They say history has a way of repeating itself? Just happened to do so for us.. only many many years apart and sooner for me than for others..

Paul's dad died... he was only 26.. he had a heart condition... he was his mothers first born baby.. and only boy.. He carried the Jean name and gave it to Paul and was able in his short life to also have 2 other children.. Paul's brother and Sister.. Eric and Michelle. Paul's grandmother.. now great grandmother to JJ had to endure loosing her first born son. Although he was older.. she knows what it is like to have loss.. and misses him daily. She was a pillar of hope for me in my darkest days... to show that love will go on and that we will have other children (she had 4 girls after that)

JJ is now the littlest, Jean and the only boy to carry on the name right now (unless we have another or if Paul's brother has kids)

And Yet.. another type of history on my side... My Dad.. lost his brother (the first born son) Uncle bud... was 45 when he died of a brain tumor. He was outlived by my grandfather, Grandy. Although Grandy did not live to meet Joseph I know what it feels like to outlive your first born...

Like I said.. history of our family is good.. but does have some coincidence.. You never put it all together.. but you know that it all means something.. We have the first born, Bernie in heaven getting to parent Joseph the way he would have his sons here on earth and watch him grow as he was not able to with my husband... Uncle Bud who's had 3 sons (all living with children) Also able to hold my sweet little ones hand and help him grow as only I know he could do.. would do if here still with us..

So many angels.. so different a time... So many happy times that came from such uncertainty.. we all prevail.. we all overcome.. we all have our issues/problems and worry.. we all have our darkest moments and our greatest hours..

We all have family history that makes us who we all are now and shapes our lives and our children here on earth as well as those in heaven.

I always end with love.. with arms reached out to the sky for him.. As he is cared for by so many other angles..

Joseph can you hear mommy? Give your grandfather a hug from me today.. tell your great uncle that we miss him and hope you have reached him... Rock with your Great Grandy.. I love you my son... Mom.

May 1

2011-05-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

May 1.. our day.. Our day to be mothers to those babies in heaven. Our day to talk about what it means to be a mother to a son or daughter in heaven. Our time to let everyone know that heaven is real and that bad things still can happen to good people. Yes our day to voice our wishes to have a day.. all our own.. to share with others and to join together the voice to be recognised as mothers.. in loss and in hope. For those of you who read this blog that also endure the cruelty of infertility and the shame of having NOT being recognised as a Mother.. I am truly sorry. I've had the support of an army to get me here.. 19 months later. To grieve out loud.. To voice my sorrow and my joy.. The choice to be happy in the face of all this LOSS is hard. But it is a choice... some days you have to bring your own sunshine.. Some days you have to stand in the rain alone and weep. All days you should stand proud that you are a mother.. you are a mother to an angel.. and you will one day parent that child along side your breast as you meet again.. May 1.. your angel wings fly from earth to reach your baby.. to touch his or her hand and simply kiss the soft face once more. Envision yourself a guide... to the greater good.. For all that there is.. always will be Love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Thank you for making me a mom. My heart.. my love.. my everything to my first born babe.. the apple of my eye and the one who captures my heart...

Guardian Angel

2011-04-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

Feeling just like this song by Leah West.... Turn up the Volume and just listen.. and if you don't have music for your computer.. go to Google.. Search Guardian Angel by Leah West.. Enjoy my Friends.. This is for all you BLM's.. for all of us searching for rainbows and for those whose rainbows have graced us with the gift. My big heart is open today.. feeling the Angel Joseph so very much today and always...

** I think to myself all the time... Jonathan must know something.. about his brother.. and I can't wait to find out what it is or what he may keep as his own special bond...

Little baby up in heaven says to God
"do I really have to go?"
God Replies "yes it is your time to leave
but don't you worry you won't be there alone
You see there is someone who's been waiting for you
Quietly hoping and praying for your sweet and safe arrival
Down to Earth.

Everyone is born with a guardian Angel
and on her wings she'll let you soar
Higher than you thought was possible
She'll love you and protect you line no other
and your guardian angel has a name...
You can call her Mother.....

Oh my.....

Joseph Dream

2011-04-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

I love dreams.. especially the ones where Joseph is there.. I had one last night.. and I woke with tears in my eyes.. It was perfect.. and right and beautiful. The dream was brief but I remember every second. We were in our living room (all of us.. Paul, Jonathan the dogs and me) I had JJ on tummy time and was watching over him.. Paul sat in our rocking chair and on his shoulder what Joseph... He spoke.. He said "I'm going to wear diapers until I'm 128 years old" We all laughed and Paul smiled at me while I looked up just in time to catch Josephs sweet face.. His little nose and perfectly big cheeks.. I winked at him... My wink must have caught that tear that slipped from my eye as I rose to feed our JJ again. I spent the next hour playing this over and over and over again in my mind.. yes he will be 128 and still in diapers.. but also that he is so loved and gifted to seek us in our dream.. to play a little joke and to give me some rest. Ah, the gift of him. I've been waiting for this dream for almost a year.. as he has been silent when I rest. Grateful that I woke to him again. big warm snugly love.

4 weeks 40 weeks

2011-04-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

JJ is 4 weeks old.. and officially full term. I'm testing out the nickname...JJ I seem to like it better.. So far I call him JJ and "little squeeker" because he squeeks when he eats.. Speaking of eating.. Our guys suck/swallow is just not there yet. He eats.. all breast milk but chokes.. spits.. gulps and then spits up after every feeding.. I have myself now wondering if he is gaining any weight.. I ordered a baby scale for preemies.. not here yet.. so I worry everyday. He seems Okay other than the colic. Yes I've got the Colic baby.. Grip water.. Mylicon cocktails.. are in full swing. My Dr tells me that he will grow out if this in another week or so as he is now full term and should be able to do the things that he was having trouble with before. I will have to video tape him "grunting" so you guys can hear it.. It is funny and sad at the same time.. He sounds like an old man! Anyway - I love our guy and have settled into sleepless nights pretty well.. Don't worry I get some rest.. just not in a row yet.. He is growing and I know it will just take time. These have been the hardest and BEST 4 weeks of my life.. Looking forward to every changing step and whatever he brings to our life. I am also looking forward to feeding every 4 hours instead of 3 (one more week) Whew...

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you can little guy.. I think of you every day and love you more with each passing moment.. As I know now what I missed with you it makes me sad.. you should be 19 months now... running laughing and getting into trouble while I try to care for your little brother.. Sometimes when we are up at night I feel the calm.. is that you my son? All my love mom.

The boys...

2011-04-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

As we settle into being home.. it is so full of life again.. what once felt like a time warp has caught up to the inertia again. The place where we held our breath for 8 full months has air... our worried smiles and tense nights gone... replaced with well worried smiles and sleepless nights but all for good this time. It has been so long since I've seen my husband smile... really smile.. really love and really feel "happy". He misses Joseph so much.. as we all do but I think it is different for him.. deeper in some ways because it just is... and then to watch his wife suffer the loss and be set back and beat down again and again as we struggled every day for our second born... The relentless care I received from him.. the love and the ability he had to continue to drive us forward and take me with him... results of tenacity... and now.. the boys.. with Joseph on his heart.. Jonathan in his arms I am so in awe..

The warm Heart

2011-04-01T17:17:00.000-07:00

Jonathan has this little thing... that he does that I know.. he is thinking of his brother.. and telling me that he "knows". He points his right index finger to the sky... Often when we are doing mommy to chest time and always when we are feeding him. It is like when he is getting the greatest comfort... he points his little finger high to the sky to say... See brother we are thinking of you and I will always know you... Mommy and Daddy miss you sweet brother and love both of us the same.. You know and I know something they don't.. won't and that is okay by me... Such a sweet little thing he does.. I don't pretend to "know" this is what is really going on.. but It is a neat little thought on a tiny perfect man.. loving his brother and making our hearts full.

Significance of One Five

2011-03-27T16:33:00.001-07:00

.

We took Jonathan to Joseph's Big Boy Place today...
I cried...
We put our boys together... again. So Joseph could be the proud big brother we all know he is..
I wept...

There is so much more to this story... the one that began on the 15th of October in 2009.. The day our first born made his way into this world only to touch down so briefly. He stained our hearts with love forever.. not knowing then the power of his number 1 and 5.

Joseph held his brothers hand the entire 8 months of my pregnancy.. He kept him safe in heaven until he let go his Jonathan and delivered him into our arms... Also on the 1 and 5. He knew he needed to get him here.. safe and the only date he knew to do that was the 15th..

I am in awe of him.

The boys are 18 months apart "exactly" and again... they show the power and the significance of all of our journey.. of all of our hope of all of our everything.

The SAME Dr.. who delivered the horrible news regarding Josephs brain and lack of oxygen and the need to let him go... was there... to discharge Jonathan from the hospital (different hospital) You see.. the circle of life came around even for the Dr's involved in my life.. Our story touched her so deeply she came to Josephs funeral... and then took our picture to show the world... that we made it round... Of course it was her... Of course she had just transferred to the hospital Jonathan was just delivered in.. Of course she remembered us.. Amen.

I can't say enough about the power of our One and Five.. but I can tell you that this is just yet another Peek into what really has changed our lives..

For all that there is bad there is good. for all that there are no answers for... the answers come.. For everything needed to be known.. is.. For there is love

My boys.. together you are unstoppable.. One and Five... One and Five...Love mom

Sliding into home..

2011-03-22T16:58:00.001-07:00

It began... on Tuesday morning.. contractions that felt a little harder than normal.. I had a Dr. apt late that afternoon so I thought I write down the times of each.. I was having about 5-6 per hour. I went to the Dr... he took one look at me and said... Mom, you look like you are having a bad day lets put you in the hospital overnight and monitor the baby.. Okay by me.. knowing in a few short days he was to arrive... what a better way to spend the time.. being watched. I got in around 6pm and they checked all the "stuff".. the Dr. on call said.. I'm not sure I like these.. I was having contractions every 3 or so min now... She suggested we do an Amnio and if it was clear we would have our little guy on Wednesday.. Okay I thought just a few days short. After the Amnio even more contractions this time... labor for real.... (more later on this story) Needless to say by 10 I was being prepped for the C-section no time to wait for the results of amnio.. off we went..

I have to say I had a great C-Section .. I was awake no drugs other than the spinal block of course... He came out so easy.. and I got to hear him cry.. OH THAT NOISE BROUGHT ME TO MY KNEES... He cried... My SON cried.. my forever child... His scores were 6 and 8 on APGAR.. not to bad for a 35 weeker.. He did great at first and then got really tired.. They had to take him to the NICU...

Jonathan had to be put on a C-PAP machine to push the air in and out of his lungs.. but no extra oxygen was needed... he was doing great.. We spent the better part of 2 days this way and then...... ready to come off only to find that he did not know yet how to eat... This process went the way of feeding tube.. and then slowly slowly to bottle..

I am skipping a bunch of detail to keep the story short.. After 1 week.. He was allowed to come home to us. Today is the most wonderful day of my life. I am so happy and so grateful.. and just SO everything MORE than I ever have known.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You did it little guy.. You landed your brother safely in our arms.. you carried him with you in heaven until he was ready to begin... His life exactly 18 mos to the day you were born. Heaven is wonderful. you are amazing and I am So in love with you. Mommy.

Almost Home

2011-03-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

Hi there everyone, this is Jill again. Wanted to give you a quick update on Jonathan and share a photo. Brandy and Jonathan are doing wonderfully and both are expected to be home Tuesday. I have been to the hospital everyday to see my beautiful nephew and to share in the joy with both Brandy and Paul. My baby sister is awesome!! Jonathan is absolutely the most gorgeous baby I have ever seen. His little noises are so cute. Brandy sometimes refers to him as her "little squeaker". Her smile is so big and her eyes sparkle so beautifully. We are truly blessed. I am sure once she is home and settled that she will be filling you all in on the details of the past week and of course sharing more photos.

Arrival

2011-03-16T10:14:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!! This is Jill, Brandy's sister, and I have some very exciting and happy news to share. Jonathon Cooper Jean came into this world at 10:40 pm on March 15. He weighs in at 6 lbs, 3 oz. and is 19 inches long. He has lots of hair and is absolutely beautiful. Brandy is doing great and we are so very proud of her. It has been a long night and we hope to have pictures to post later today or tomorrow. She wanted to make sure that everyone following her blog received the wonderful news.

ER and the CT

2011-03-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

As if the journey not long enough.. hard enough.. worried enough.. we had some more drama late last Thursday. I went to bed normal time no issues and was really looking forward to the nights rest. I started tasting blood. At first I thought how strange maybe because the temperature here in the west has gotten hot again.. dry again.. I thought for a second I had a nose bleed (that I have never had in my life). I asked my husband for a tissue and that is when the coughing began. As if uncontrollable .. I shook and coughed and coughed blood poured up from my lungs. I soaked tissue after tissue in terror.. Where is all the blood coming from? I don't feel sick.. Scared is NOT the word here.... we were in the OB triage in less than 15 min. The Dr. came in and said.. baby looks fine.. We are extremely worried now for your life..? What? why? You could have a pulmonary embolism (Blood clot) on the lung.... they whisked me to the regular ER... As I sat holding my belly tears for both me and my husband.. Can it be that my body is shutting down? Into a CT scan. For those of you who don't know. CT requires radiation. Now I'm facing a life threatening blood clot.. radiating Jonathan. I had a panic attack so large that I thought if the blood clot did not kill me... the attack would. I felt the warm iodine solution into every blood vessel of my body.. I got the pictures they needed.. I cried Oh how very hard.. I begged them for a Doppler to check my baby.. A full 5 min later.. Lub dub.. lub dub.. he was fine... As I shelpt back out of the attack and calmed myself down.. blood shot eyes of the man who has endured more than even I thought possible to do... looking down at me.. WE are fine.. No blood clot.. Thank you god.. Jonathan is fine except now has been through radiation already. I am spent.. I am tired.. I am glazed with exhaustion. There is a reason the journey so hard.. so rough .. so ridiculously long I know.. I will bring Proof to this world that anything is possible.. I will bring my rainbow baby home... As I have stated before NOTHING will stop me. Nothing.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I packed your sweet face into the overnight bag.. to take with us to see you and your brother together.. your love and protection shines.

Jonathan are you listening? Not even a possible blood clot can stop me from you.. nothing our bond too strong will withstand the test of time.. I love you infinity.. mommy.

I can see Hope

2011-03-10T06:46:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you but these 35 weeks have been so long that I think we have all aged 10 years. I think it is because I've been following a lot of BLM blogs who have already had rainbows... So I've lived their pregnancy as well as mine extending the amount of time it feels like I've been pregnant! With all that has happened in these many many months.. I honestly did not think I'd make it to the 35 week! So significant after staring down the face of having a 24 weeker....holding onto hope that I could get to 30... then 32 and now seeing that page.. show 35 delights the hope for one more week! Tomorrow I have a growth ultrasound on Jonathan and we are hoping that he will be a little over 5 lbs. Next week we will have our amnio on Thursday and hope again that his little lungs are mature so we can deliver on Friday the 18th... 12:30pm (az time) Seems like a dream to get this far. I have been to the triage 3x over the past 7 days... due to contractions and today they will take me off the niphetapin that is keeping those at bay. My Dr said to let me contract and see if I actually roll into labor. If that happens he could just make an appearance before Friday! When you can actually see hope all days become your own.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Your gifts keep rolling and your sweet face is all around me. I love you dear one... so deeply - mom.

Jonathan are you listening? one more week baby.. one more.. wiggle and move and grow as much as you can.. we are coming for you .. in my arms so soon.. all of my love mommy.

My Furry Faced Child...

2011-03-07T07:22:00.000-08:00

11 years ago my husband and I finally had a house with a backyard and could get a dog. Significant because we had wanted so badly to have one.. neither of us had the chance to grow up with a dog due to one thing or another. We were so excited and had NO clue how to go about this whole thing... so we looked in the paper.. I KNOW now how terrible that decision was but.. hey we never will make that mistake again... unless it is a rescue add. Anyway - we pulled into what turned out to be a puppy mills home.. Lab was the 5th or so breed of dog they just "happened" to have available as a puppy this time. Out of the door bounded this black ball of perfection.. She had long ears.. and simply sat on my husbands foot.. She was to be ours forever. Little did we know she was a mixed breed (yes we were scammed) but I'm so happy she became ours. We nursed her back to health and she became our world that day.. she still is. I've always had a furry faced daughter and she no more thinks she is a dog then I do.

Emma girl is now in the eve of her life. A few weeks ago she stopped eating.. we changed her diet and got her all the love an attention we could at the vet. They told us her little blood levels for pancriatitus and liver were not good.. She simply is just old. She had been eating the new food we got her but not enthusiastically ... she is slowing down. her sparkle is gone but not completely.. She loves.. she cuddles and she shines in my heart. She sleeps now 22 hours a day only to get up for a slow bark or a quick drink.. maybe to step outside but barley. I have been home for so many weeks... seeing her change has seemed so sudden. I suspect she has been doing this a lot longer than I've known...

I sit with little tears for her as I see she is holding on.. for us... for the baby.. for something.. not sure yet what. I keep hoping she will turn it around that she will spunk up and run over in her regular way.. I know that is not likely.. I know that her time may be nearing the end... With Grace I will let her go.. My First child.. although furry faced... she has been such a blessing in our lives..

Emma: You have kissed every tear I've had.. you have shown me such love and care.. Your sweet face forever makes me smile. Let us know when it is time for you to go.. we will go with you and hold you until you leave this place. I think all dogs go to heaven.. and you will meet your brother Joseph. That thought makes me smile.. You can help me mother him from there.. little lady loo whoo.. it is okay to let go.. you are brave and strong.. the leader of our house.. the one who rules the roost and keeps track of time (and cookies) She who seeks out the best in us.. we now do the same for you. All of my love..mom.

Emma will go to the hospital tomorrow.. and we will wait and see.. and wait and see.. I pray for peace for this most precious of animals.. she has been the most perfect joy in our lives for so long.

The 2WW

2011-03-03T13:30:00.000-08:00

I remember posting about my 2WW between the time I did IVF and when we could test to see if it was successful back in July. At that time I was still so deep in the grief of losing Joseph and then having had a miscarriage that those days went fast. I was so detached.. distracted and well.. it was easy. here I am 8 months later doing the 2WW for our Jonathan's arrival and well.. still terrified.. but I have found ways to manage. I have survived sub-chorionic bleeding for 10 weeks.. finding out our little guy has enlarged kidneys.. Hospital for preterm labor and some scary heart issues (now resolved) with him as well. I have been on 12 weeks of bed rest.. been on the cusp of early delivery due to too much fluid and blood pressure issues.. Found myself in the swallows of dismay.. worry and guilt. I have tested my strength in everything I believe in and pushed my body to be pregnant for 21 months out of 25. I have learned to parent my son in heaven.. honor him and find a way to separate my boys to insure Jonathan knows he was always wanted.. and was not brought into this world becuase of loss.. We planned on him always. I have listened to countless people tell me that they don't understand why I try so hard to have a baby.. as if undeserving becuase of infertility.. and on the flip side seen the best of mankind in those that follow this blog and me in my journey. As I enter this last of the 2WW I somehow can erase all that has happened.. all that there was and just love. In the end.. that is all there is.. Love.. for our babies in heaven.. for our children of hope. for our friends and for our family.. love.. and the thankfulness that I am the one chosen for this life..filled with it.

I'm okay mom

2011-02-25T12:40:00.000-08:00

Rain fell across Arizona for a few days and cleared more than just the dust from the rooftop. I cleanse was filtered across my mind. Spending days in a chair or bed have not been kind to my worry. I let it wonder to far from reality. Truth is I find power in the rain. Knowing that I reeled it back in.. my worry that is.. Joseph continues to show me the way to Jonathan and he helps is little brother with all his might. Once I stopped thinking about the what if.. and when.. Little reminders of him imprint back into my heart and sight. With each kick I feel stronger as if they are somehow both in there.. telling me mom.. we are both okay.. we are both.. OK. Today I got a strong reminder..We are all going to be okay, Johnathan and Joseph included.. Below is a picture of our sweet Rainbow hope ever present after the rain.. The rainbow shines. Look at his hand.. He is making the OK sign..with it. So cute.. So needed .. so loved.. Perfect. I have 21 days to go and finally feel like nothing can stop us now.

Jonathan Cooper - I'm OKAY

Joseph and Jonathan... I don't even have to ask... and YES this time I know you hear me and you are listening.. Our family stronger than any other forever together... love mom

The 10

2011-02-18T16:19:00.000-08:00

So for a long while I have not discussed the issues going on with our precious little rainbow.. He continues to grow and stay inside just enough that the Dr's let me stay at home on bed rest but... not doing good enough for him not to get checked 2x a week.. His kidney (the right one) has been misbehaving.. and has grown to a 10 or really a 1.0 but whatever they call it the 10. Ten means.. that things are not getting better.. they have gotten a little worse.. He has been measuring between 7-8 and then 9 last week.. today 10.. Still the Dr's will not do anything now but wait. If they get any worse we will deliver even earlier. I know we are looking at some time in the NICU with this little one and It breaks my heart.. I'm preparing.. but the 10 is not something I wanted to see.. Kind of made his issue real.. This whole time I thought well it could just fix itself. The reality is hard. He also has these little bouts of sleep (when they try to do the NST of course) His little heart just beats and beats but does not accelerate good for them nor does he move. Today we spent an hour on the monitor trying to get him to go.. we buzzed him with the stimulator and nothing.... finally I ate some sugar and he moved a bit... JUST enough to allow us to come home and not go to the hospital... There is no comfort to me in that.. Not that I want to go to the hospital but letting me leave after all the time of worry and the news of the kidney.. just... makes me stand on high alert. I am letting go of the worry but you know.. I can smile with tears streaming. I am never going to say why me.. It is not in my nature to give into the fears.. It's just one of those days.. where you want to say COME ON - Enough already.. let there be peace.

I will follow with the wonderful news of 4 plus lbs.. he is growing right on track and has all the right stuff to make it... 28 days to go. We can do it together.. But I need everyone.. I just do.

Joseph can you hear mommy? sweet angel of mine.. I love you and I Miss you.. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Hang tight.. it won't be long now.. we love you so so very much. mommy.

Rambles..

2011-02-15T16:49:00.000-08:00

I have a friend.. only I don't know her name.. we meet 2x a week in the High risk doctors office.. it is strange.. she has told me her name but I always forget.. and what is even stranger? She and I were in the hospital together a month ago talking about how we were due on the same day... She is having twins, Via IVF and we have the same RE... I know seems odd that someone like me who ALWAYS "knows" a name could possibly just forget here.. I am so focused on her twins and her ever growing belly and now well, too much time has passed for me to ask again. Perhaps I'll just have her spell her name so I can find her on FB.. Anyway, I saw my "friend" again today and she is doing fine... Her Twins are fine and her problems have gone away except she is still on bed rest too.. I'm happy when I see her.. we talk about our Dr.. now about our High Risk team.. the hospital staff where we will both deliver.. our babies and it is just nice.. nice to have someone who is exactly where I am except for ONE big thing.. She has never had a loss.. and I just can't bring myself to terrify anyone who is already scared to death and in a dr office. So I just don't say anything.. She'll be alright.. we will be alright.. I'll be alright - Somehow.

I said it would be a ramble post and it is.. I've discussed before how I see someone to talk about my grief and help get me through this pregnancy.. someone who understands when I have a night terror and sudden feelings of loss that don't exist.. Oh yeah and now phantom pains of the c-section I had over 16 months ago can seem so real when you are in the thick of it.. Anyway - my therapist thinks I may need medication.. I'm slipping into a hole of panic (at night) and that may be the answer? I refuse Tylenol so I don't think I can do it.. and yet - if it will help me get the last 33 days done w/o so much wonder in my mind.. I think maybe..

Anyway - I'm holding tough.. Bed rest is no fun.. we owe in taxes and I had to watch the tax prepare guy erase Josephs name from our family.. (heart sank deep sigh) I knew it was coming but still.. ugggg. All in All I've got it better than most waiting on my rainbow to come in ..

Joseph can you hear mommy? LOVE.. and you are my family my heart my always - forever my son and my child - mom

Jonathan are you listening? Hang in there baby I love you.. keep growing and kicking and wiggling and holding on.. you are doing so good - I promise I am a fun mom.. despite a few of the crazy attacks I've had lately - Love forever mommy.

The Plan

2011-02-07T06:30:00.000-08:00

I know that even the best plans change... but I am really hoping that this one does not. We left our Dr. apt on Friday with a game plan for little Jonathan. If everything continues to go as it is now.. I will go to the Hospital on March 17th for an Amnio... if his lungs are ready.. we will DELIVER on March 18th!!! I am so excited as that date will get us to 36 weeks and it the ultimate goal for me. There is no chance of V-back because of my "window". There is no hope of labor as they do not want anything to contract or pressure my placenta.. It will just be.. Amnio and delivery!! There is no question about If or when and that is good.. I am elated.. and terrified. As many of you know there are no guarantees but... I am very happy we have a plan. There is comfort in "knowing" a date... a goal.. something to strive for and forge yourself toward. I've created an "Advent" calendar of sorts to help me visualise the progress.. Everyday is a good day..he is growing with me. Our parents have been called. Arrangements are being made for the big day.. This makes me SMILE.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hold your brothers hand and help him hang tight.. you are helping us so much sweet little one and yes I received your penny.. Funny that you put it in the sink.. Love mom.

Jonathan are you listening? Jonathan Jean... Jonathan Jean.. prettiest baby I've ever seen... Keep up those kicks.. I love seeing your sweet face inside.. I can only imagine what it will be like to feel you on the outside.. Love mommy

Over a year ago..

2011-02-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

I read this and then added to it over a year ago... Really hits home now.. Even in darker times I knew what was needed in order to move forward with him in my heart... Taken in part from a poem by Daniel Ladinsky and ... part by me, his mom.

Joseph Henry Jean... Yours was the heart I could have cared most for in this world and yours was the heart that I hoped would always so care for me. For caring, I have learned, is a great gift. My precious, beautiful boy, how briefly we were close, and how sad I still become; a blessed sadness though it seems this love, this love.... but how soft it makes my sounds toward others, and that is good. I should think now of what you would want from me if I could watch you grow... it is happiness isn't it? Yes It is joy in my eyes for you and this world too. I will try... I will try for you. And thank you, dear baby Joe, thank you from the deepest parts of me for the wonderful moments, the extraordinary time, yes time, yes time we had.. You are our family, our grandson, our cousin, our nephew, our baby, our son. Yours was the heart and we will love you forever.

mom

Jonathan are you listening? yes baby I will try and I will try and I will never give up hope and love... mommy

Closer

2011-01-29T08:19:00.000-08:00

The closer I get to the due date... the closer I feel to Joseph. Parallel worlds are starting to collied together in this beautiful symphony of love. I feel both babies so close to my heart right now. I see Joseph and Jonathan together nestled into my soul. They are buddies and they are near... it is a sensation I've been having daily. Maybe it is because I am getting closer now to delivery.. maybe it is just nesting... I don't know for sure but I can say... It is a hover just above what I can't see or reach.. but I can feel it... Quiet.. perfect.. beautiful... warm. I am closer to everything... my husband.. especially as we continue to grow so strong. Closer to my feelings and being open about my fears but also not being afraid to dream. Closer just closer to everything almost within reach. Positive forward momentum needed. Don't let the negative slip in.. Don't let the past surround you.. see it and feel it and it shall be. Closer two brothers can or will ever be. Beautiful.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel you near me so close watching and hoping and loving as you are. Know that I am right there baby.. for you always. momma.

Jonathan are you listening? Hold your brothers hand and play.. I will bring to you this world when you are ready... love surrounds you. mom.

Funny....

2011-01-25T06:51:00.000-08:00

I've never really had a big chest.. with all the working out I do there has never been anything "there" so to speak.. That is why I am laughing at what they actually might be IF I was not a work out freak. Yesterday I ordered an on-line nursing bra. I measured myself to make sure I got the right size and then left a little wiggle room just in case. I almost FELL OFF THE CHAIR... when the size I needed to buy was a 42 E... yes.. did you see that number? And then even more comical was the fact that you can order a 42 E,F,G (hence the room to grow) My sense of humor is juvenile I know.. but Boobs should not be this SIZE.. but now that mine are.. I just think it is funny.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love you little man - with every ounce that I am.. Mom

Jonathan are you listening? Test today are you ready? Grow baby grow and stay with me.. I love you so much... mom

Helping others

2011-01-21T10:11:00.001-08:00

Believe it or not.. the hardest thing about grief is the fact that I've leaned on so many people for support and counted on so many people for help that I've lost track of being able to help other people.... I still have big ideas and know what I can do in the future but, it is the now of helping I am without. I used to teach up to 100 people a week how to work out and exercise their minds and body's. I used to manage a team of people in the workforce and lead others by example... Now I'm on bead rest.. (not that I mind don't get me wrong) But.. It makes me feel like I depend on others again and I'm not able to return the great gifts everyone has given to me.. I want to be that leader again.. talk to people face to face everyday.. Find solutions for them.. you know just be that "friend" again... the one they could lean on anytime.. I miss being the one to go out there and do for others.. Maybe it is the isolation of home... the constant inability to see and touch others hearts.. Cyb er world is good but... getting out there and really making a difference is hard not to do when you so used to it... I just can't wait to get out there again and share with others how much they mean to me... so they know how much I care.. and want to help in return.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Sweet boy so big in heaven now... I miss you every day and have not lost sight of what you brought.. I love you until forever.. mom

Jonathan are you listening? One day at a time... we will be fine and stay with us little one.. I dream of you in my arms.. love you baby, mommy

Still worried.

2011-01-15T16:47:00.000-08:00

I know that there is nothing that I did wrong.. or could have done to save our sweet Joseph. I know I carried him 40 full weeks and went to the hospital thinking everything would be alright as I was that far along... I had no idea. Still don't. Seeing what can happen.. has happened.. and knowing about real pain and loss just does not sit well. I wish that I had a button to push just to see the future a brief moment in time to ease my fears. Fear does not come often for me... but when it does it is hard to shake. I have no milestone to hit or get past that would make me feel more comfortable.. Joseph died perfect.. full term with no complications to him.. it was me. It was the emergency C-section that gave him life and did allow for him to live his too short life with us. I am forever grateful that I held him as I know too well that often that is not the case for most. I know his purpose was not to stay and that his being was filled with love from beginning to end. I know he opened doors in my heart and many others that may otherwise have stayed closed... But being pregnant now.. having complications.. on top of what I already know... just gets me sometimes.. It gets me deep in my soul. Blessed at everything still I understand it is not for me to decided. There is no "fair" and bad things sometimes happen to good people.. I wait.. and I wonder and I worry.. Every kick every checkup.. all the times I've already been scared..all the time willing my Jonathan to come home.. to be my forever child..

And then I see his face....... (pictured below) and light fills the dark tunnel again.

Joseph can you hear mommy? My arms still ache although you lifted them.. my heart still hurts.. but it yet so full. I miss you sweet baby Joe... love mom

Jonathan are you listening? Stay baby stay.. but let me know if you need me... I'll be here as I am now forever your mommy. I love you.

Home

2011-01-12T08:58:00.000-08:00

There is nothing better than sleeping in your own bed with your husband and 2 dogs curled up for the night.. Thankfully I was sent home from the hospital and have been directed to modified bed rest at home. I am 27 weeks tomorrow and if we get extremely lucky my body will hold out for little Jon at least 8-10 weeks more. I am blessed because my work is allowing me to work from home and my house is all geared up so I have everything one could need at my fingertips.. literally. I look like my own personal geek squad. I have 2 cell phones, my lap top, keyboard adaptor, mini mouse, house phone, all the chords to plug in in case of battery failure.. My Doppler (of course) blood pressure machine, medicine to keep contractions at bay and YES my 2 wonderful dogs.. but all they do to help is drive by for kisses every now and then. I feel great and our guy is doing alright. They would like him to be a bit more active so I've taken to kick counts already and need 4 an hour. He does OK but I might slowly drive myself mad with worry if each one is "enough". I try to keep my arms moving and my legs flexed as to not atrophy too much.. All in all you will find me with a smile on my face and a determination beyond what I ever expected myself to have. Thanks for all the good wishes - the prayers and love WORK.. I go to the Dr 2x a week now.. once for NST and once for fluid check. I'll check back in soon.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are doing a great job holding your brother and checking in... you are amazing as always and there is not a moment that I don't think of you each day. Love you big boy.. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby stay and if you are in trouble you tell momma.. I am listening to you every step of the way - grow baby grow.. love you so very much, mommy

9 days and counting

2011-01-08T09:42:00.001-08:00

This is what I look like 9 days of laying in a bed later.. It makes me giggle.. the one who is always on the move.. can do anything.. no problem.. get out of my way.. has been laying down in various positions for 9 days. I have to say that there have been some trying times.. but most important things are going well for our Jonathan. He has continued to be monitored now and graduated to 3 times a day from 24X7. I am having an ultrasound in a few hours to determine if they let me leave this weekend OR if I am in for another week. I will be happy either way. I do miss my husband... dogs.. and giant king size bed but.. for missing those things I have gained piece of mind and great care. I feel really blessed to have be in a level 5 trauma hospital with top of the line Dr's and NICU... I could get used to the zoo feeding style that the hospital offers too. They feed you every 3 hours something and they keep it coming. My attitude is whatever it takes... no matter how long.. whatever turn the roller coaster takes.. I'm in and even though I'm laying down.. I am always on the move.. can do anything.. no problem.. get out of my way I'm having a healthy full term baby no matter what!

Joseph can you hear mommy? Thanks for my penny... I got it last night before bed. Very clever to have put it in my bed. You are amazing I miss you and love you, mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Tell us all you know in there... we are watching and waiting for you but not yet.. baby not yet.. stay put please. All my love, Mom.

New Years and Bed Rest

2011-01-04T05:26:00.000-08:00

I have had a start to the new year.... Started out with that little trip to the ER last week.. Ended up with me on full on bed rest at the hospital. As the clock struck 12 on Friday night I had already been admitted for what may end up being a long stay. Baby and I are doing fine and I love that my Dr's are just keeping things as cautious as they can to insure our safety. Little Jon's heartbeat keeps decelerating after I have contractions. They have given us steroids to beef up his little 25 week old lungs and things for me to lower my HB and get more blood flow to the placenta... They are not sure why but the deceleration happens "after" a contraction and those are the ones they don't like. Little Jon has recovered from each episode brilliantly though and as long as he jumps right back on the train again we may not have any issues. So.. for now I will be here at least another week. I've been in 5 days already.. I don't mind... I don't mind... Monitor me for as long as needed. It is nice to have the sweet sound of the beat of his heart now connected 24x7.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hold his hand and love him so we are not ready for your little brother yet so don't let him go. Love you special boy and miss you. All the nurses here remember you and love you so very much... mom

Little Jon are you listening? Baby grow... baby stay.. I love you I love you I love you all the way... Whatever it takes you and me will always be... mom.

Car Tears

2010-12-30T16:36:00.001-08:00

Some days you just have tears... today mine were in the car when I saw snow in AZ fall onto the high desert mountains. When I thought of how long ago I held my son in my arms and gently said goodbye. When I drove remembering each trip with him in that same car as I sang to him each day. For the what should be but is not. And then I smiled at my belly as I was given a nudge... as if to say We hear you momma... both of us. Reflecting turned to the complicated pregnancy I'm having and still fighting each day to relax and believe that this is right and just as is should be. Tears came again just in a brief period of quite time. Two slow steams at how wonderful my life is... all of it. the good, the bad, the hard, the fun, the up and down.. the wondering and waiting for more of it to unfold. Missing my little man today... As the Car tears roll on.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you did today as you blanketed the soft earth with your kisses.. So beautiful you are and so very missed and loved. mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay.. we need 12 weeks to grow and grow.. I will see you tomorrow and ask that you pass the tests... I'll help you love mom.

Adventure in OB triage

2010-12-26T12:21:00.000-08:00

Everything is fine... started having sharp pain in my low abdomen earlier this week. I thought it was dehydration or something.... Then it progressed into I can't lay on my side... where I'm supposed to be laying. Pain while standing after long periods of sitting.. Pain while laying after long periods of standing... Off to the Triage. It was nice to know we could actually just go there rather than have to wait for the Dr to open tomorrow. Comforting that I knew little Jon was ok it was momma I was worried about. Turned out that I have my placenta may be growing into the scar tissue of my previous c-section. Not usually associated with pain but.. that is what hurts. And while monitoring me I was having some pretty good contractions. Outcome... Motrin 600mg every 6 hours to calm the uterus down and take the pains away. I thought you couldn't take Motrin while pregnant but they said it is ok but sometimes diminishes the fluid (and Little Jon needs a lot of fluid with is kidney issues) UGG. Agreed to take 400mg of Motrin but will only take as needed. I have to go back to the hospital on Friday for a Non stress test and fluid check again. Never a dull moment... Happy that all in all everything is fine and I got to meet an on call Dr at the hospital I'll be delivering at who deals with High risk patients... He could not believe that I had not been in to see anyone yet and meet all high Risk docs at the hospital so I'll be making an apt for that very shortly! Also good news was my regular Dr. was on call and got to understand a little more of what was going on with me. Whew.

Joseph are you listening? Keep a close eye out and let me know if anything isn't right again... I'll be sure to take your hints no matter what. I love you bigger than Heaven.

Little Jon are you listening? It was so sweet to see your face today and comforting to feel all those movements... now you are head down I know what all those thumps are. Be gentle with your mommy... I love you little one with all my heart. mommy

Viability feels good

2010-12-22T11:57:00.000-08:00

Just saying.... 24 weeks does not mean anything to those who have not been or don't know and live a carefree pregnancy... To me today is the first day of really being pregnant. Viability... Viability... Can't stop us now.

Joesph can you hear mommy? I saw you peek in the window of the clouds just like you look in the window to look after your brother... you are so sweet and amazing.

Little Jon are you listening? I love you little one... wiggle more and more each day and grow super big and strong - Can't wait to see you in a few weeks. Love mommy

Momma Clause

2010-12-17T06:44:00.000-08:00

In 5 days I will be 24 weeks. A week after that I'll have my next ultrasound to check on little Jon's kidney issues and have my glucose test. This is the first time I've thought ahead without the crippling fear that usually stops me and makes me think of just today. He has regularly started moving now and has wiggled right into my life. I am measuring fine (although by the looks of this picture I think he is huge) I've added a few pounds of goodness around my backside too. I feel warm and motherly, proud and happy. I am almost ready to start working on the nursery again. This is the first Christmas I've ever spent pregnant and I guess I feel a bit like momma clause. Viability is a blink away that is my Christmas wish.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I woke to sounds of your tiny kisses outside as it rained in the early dawn... I wept with love and thanks for you and your gifts.. love mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Yes we can have cookies for breakfast... and hot chocolate... I love you so much little guy.. grow grow grow so big... love mommy

Holiday at the big boy place

2010-12-11T07:31:00.000-08:00

Paul and I decorated Josephs "big boy place" last weekend. We put his favorite match box car... a Christmas jingle bell and a glass Santa doll. We also adorned the flower holder with Red garland and lots of flowers of pine and holly. Every time I go.. I still cry as I touch his tiny footprint... bronzed in time and perfect. I touch his toes and kiss his little foot and I feel him. Joseph is deep in my heart and I feel him beating there with me, more when it is quiet and I am spending time with just him... as it was the day of decoration. There are days, like today, when I reflect on this past year and the nine months I carried him with me inside. Somehow he feels nearer to me...watching me. As my parenting of a son in heaven unfolds I have found a place I can't describe.. I am proud somehow and humbled always that this little guy chose me to be his mom. The honor I feel in knowing that the care I have taken with his memory and spirit has touched a core. I see a gentler world.. almost another side of the one I knew... It is a beautiful place. I am at peace.

Joseph can you hear mommy? If felt you rock with me while holding your brother inside.. It was surreal and wonderful. you take good care of him.. love mommy

Little Jon are you listening? Grow baby grow and stay with us forever. Let me feel you wiggle each day... I love you mom.

Right between us

2010-12-06T16:11:00.000-08:00

Our stockings are hung by the chimney with care... Last year we bought Joseph his own stocking and took it with us out of town. Too soon to stay here with all the holiday happenings. It was a nice way to celebrate even if it was without him. We put tiny treasures in the stocking to remind us of what we were thinking this time last year including the cards to him. So this year when we put up our stocking it was already filled with memories of Joseph Henry. I really like to look inside and pull out each decoration, something for his big boy place, and ornament. It felt like they were his things and his little life although not here was being celebrated and remembered. The tradition will happen every year and we will add to the collection of little treasures and cars. I love my son and miss him so much. The sting comes back just a little with all the flood of holiday cheer. I wish he was getting messy in the kitchen with me while baking.. I wish he could play with the things we bought just for him. For now.. I will be happy in knowing that he has his own stocking... hung by the chimney with care.. and nestled in between mom and dad forever.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you little guy. I miss you more.. I just miss you more. Love, mommy.

Little Jon are you listening? Keep growing baby. You are doing so good - keep in there as we will gladly wait for your arrival. Not too soon please. Love mom.

Finally

2010-12-02T06:14:00.000-08:00

I have nothing to report. This is the first time in 21 weeks that I happily have not one thing to say.. except I AM GRATEFUL... and Yeah hoo for boring. Turns out that keeping my mind busy is exactly what I needed to pull myself out of the tailspin I was in for the past few months. Not to mention that I can feel this little guy move just a little more each day. I know that things are getting better and the rest and work I have done to keep going and positive has helped. Just goes to show you that positive thinking really works.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you little guy. I miss you more it seems these days. I still see you when I blink. Love forever, mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Kick and Kick and grow and stretch. I love to feel you now and we are getting better and better together each day. As my bond with you so close so sweet now. Love mommy

Belly Shot

2010-11-26T11:46:00.000-08:00

OK I know for some of you this will be hard because.. You are still trying for that rainbow. I know I've been there. I am, just so you know, hoping for you each and every day.. I feel the power of positive thinking so I know I can use mine to help you too. Here I am on Turkey day. 20 weeks exactly. Just over 1/2 way because we will deliver him 4 weeks early. I was not much bigger than this when I delivered Joseph. They say the second one just pops out... They are right. Yikes. I've gained the right amount of weight so not too much although craving McDonald's has not helped this giant stomach. Not being able to work out has been the biggest challenge for me. Exercise is my release.. my way to get grief out and to move my body and kick in those endorphins. I have not been able to move one step this whole time. I am NOT complaining because it is something I can not change but... I had to change everything I did/do in order to set my mind right. Still hoping for this rainbow. Feeling good these days. Glad for the relief.

Joseph can you hear mommy? We hung your stocking already and it looks beautiful cuddled between mine and your dads. I love you precious son.

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay and keep growing away.. get bigger so those kidney's heal. We love you so much.. mommy

Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T06:03:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for everything in my life... Even the stuff I wish I still had. Joseph was a gift and I know he is in heaven and not with me but he is still my son... I am thankful he chose me to be his mom. I have another son on the way who is growing bigger everyday. I have a good job.. a nice home... a chance to give back to those in need. Friends that touch my heart everyday and family that may not know what to say or do for me... but love me just the same.

Then there is this man... the one who listens... cares.. understands... stands silently beside me.. reasons... loves... hopes... dreams big with me. In one year we have become so close... so open to each others feelings.. We have always been in love but there is another level of it now. We could walk through fire and not be burned.. I am blessed.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are a beautiful gift. I love you in a place of my heart only for you. Mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Peaceful baby rainbow... You are coming into a family filled with hope and joy and love for you... mommy

Healer inside me

2010-11-20T13:00:00.000-08:00

There is a way to channel your "inner" chi. your peace. your happy place of being. Centering yourself.. grounding yourself... learning to listen to your inside and really paying attention to the needs and wants of your body. I met a beautiful healer. She helps in all sorts of ways but mostly... mostly... she helps you heal yourself. It is here that I met my guardian of sickness.. St. Michael.

St. Michael, the Archangel means I have double protection. - The name Michael signifies "Who is like to God?" and was the war cry of the good angels in the battle fought in heaven against Satan and his followers. Holy Scripture describes St. Michael as "one of the chief princes," and leader of the forces of heaven in their triumph over the powers of hell. He has been especially honored and invoked as patron and protector by the Church from the time of the Apostles. Although he is always called "the Archangel," the Greek Fathers and many others place him over all the angels - as Prince of the Seraphim. St. Michael is the patron of grocers, mariners, paratroopers, police and sickness.

He is watching over me and Little Jon... Teaching him There is a new generation of psychic and sensitive children who are just beginning to come to earth. They are called, The Rainbow Children.

I allow my heart and soul to pour... exposing the deepest within me.. I am raw and open to the universe and to God and I see.. I see the power and the help and the spirit of love.. joy.. hope.. prayer.. perfect in every way. I feel healed and I feel whole. I feel valued and accepted and gifted this child.. a rainbow.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you can becuase I feel you and your sweet breath against my cheek as I sleep. I love you little baby... I love you. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Hear the calls and follow the protector.... our lives are one and now you see too the power of our love for you. Mommy.

Half way

2010-11-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

I'm halfway there baking a rainbow. Seems like the longest weeks of my life given all we've gotten... Then I take a step back and say in the same breath that this year went by so fast that I hardly know what happened. That is my parallel reality. Time speeds past with Joseph in heaven and creeps so so with Jonathan inside. We went to our follow up visit. We got some good news.. My bleeding has stopped (after 8 full weeks) and it appears that the sub chorionic is now about 1cm. So small that now I think it will completely dissolve... My placenta Previa is now considered Low lying... much better. Jonathan is WAY up high in my belly (avoiding my placenta happily). Little Jon kidney did not get worse... so THAT is a relief. I am pushing all my powers of energy to him (another post I'll tell you how) He is growing on track and in fact is 3 days ahead. He moves a lot and has a beautiful heart and brain along with 10 fingers and 10 toes. So I am choosing to only see the good... I'm not going to allow attention to Kidney issues bringing me down... Don't let those dark thoughts creep or they will consume. I finally posted on Facebook that I was pregnant. We decided to post on Joesph's page telling him he was going to be a big brother... I love that.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are such a good big brother.. looking in the window checking on him... showing him the way and holding his hand. You amaze me.

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay.. grow grow grow away and we can do this together me and you.. mommy

What We Do

2010-11-11T06:12:00.001-08:00

What we do is pick ourselves up. What we do is help each other cope. What we do is against all odds to continue... to smile.. to love.. to open our hearts.. to live and to be alive in our life and time. The power to think positive wins. In each dark day there is light. In every hour of need there is prayer. I don't know where this resilience comes from. How deep in my heart I still believe. No wind can blow me over... I just won't budge. I got good results from my new Downs test yesterday. Little Jonathan Cooper only has a 1/3668 chance. Those are better odds than I was first given so I feel wonderful. Yes he still has issues and yes we will watch him closely.. One day at a time. One moment to live... One hope to bring. Shine all my light on him today. At least we know when the sun sets... it will rise again tomorrow.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Beautiful my son... I love you

Little Jon at you listening? As I wait for your sun to rise. You bring me joy each day. Gain strength in our prayers. I love you... mommy

Doppler

2010-11-08T10:43:00.000-08:00

So in order to squelch the total panic and worry in my mind we have a home Doppler. It is the exact model that my OB uses and let me tell you THIS is a gem. Given all the issues and craziness that are layered into my pregnancy I felt this was the best thing I could do for piece of mind. Most people just worry about their baby when pregnant. A lot of you know what I mean when I say worry is an understatement lost... is more like it.... I had to worry about my son in heaven... then going through and paying for (all out of pocket) one round of FET and then a full on cycle of IVF in order to get pregnant again...I am lucky so not complaining about that just more worry that is all.........Then I get To worry more because of complications that arise just from those things.. Now add unrelated issues of sub chorionic bleeding.. placenta previa.. and little Jon's kidney issues it is no wonder I don't just sit on the steps of the hospital begging the maternity triage to take me early! I have to wait until I am 22 weeks (18 now) until the hospital will see me directly. In the mean time I have my High Risk Facility and Ob office on speed dial. Gladly for the sake of all others this Doppler has stopped some of the madness. Whenever I'm feeling worry/ wonder and panic due to (see any above reason) I just sit back and listen to the swift sound of the swhoop whoop of little Jon's heart and all is right with the world. I wait for my newest downs test blood work to come in this week and then pray so hard that little Jon's kidneys are improving for our next ultrasound scheduled on the 18th... Did I tell you all to top this all off I was promoted at work? I know.... boy let me tell you I KNOW...

Joseph can you hear mommy? We visited you yesterday your dad and I and all the things at your big boy place are so pretty. I love you my son and miss you daily - mom

Little Jon are you listening? Grow those kidney's... pee for me.... and unblock that silly problem - you can do it little one.. I believe in you and us... Love is not a big enough word - mommy

Kidney Issues

2010-11-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

Another complication.. has happened... Common in boys... but not helping my worry and level of anxiety at all... Little Jon has Hydronephrosis. Basically his kidney are swollen and have too much fluid in them. Lots of terrible terms were tossed around today during the ultrasound and it was just plain not fun. So of course with this news they also increase the chances for downs and other issues. My head is spinning. I feel like I just can't get away from my own self. Terrifying thoughts in my mind that just won't shut up...

I fight these thoughts and when I calm enough from the freak out here is what I know.

1 - very common in boys and sometimes resolves itself before birth
2 - some forms can be treated with surgery while the baby is still inside me! (Dr did not think this was my case but was not ruling it out either)
3 - Some babies have this at birth and it can be fixed with a stint (to unblock)
or some other very small procedures...
4 - some babies have major surgery after birth reconstructing the Kidney and bladder.

We were told today that his issue is a "little more prominent" than most cases and it is likely that something will need to be done right after birth. We are going to be refereed to a Peri urologist after our next ultrasound...

Oh SHIT. That is all I can think of right now. OH SHIT and WHAT IF. And now I wait for 2 more weeks before we can re-assess this issue.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Please watch out for your little brother.. help him.. if you can. you are powerful and I love you so much that I know that this is something you can do. My heart to you mommy

Little Jon are you listening? Pee... that is what I need you to do - release those kidney and grow bigger so that the blockage can have room to move out. You can do it little one.. I believe in you. I love you so.. Stay baby Stay... Mom

Bed Rest Buddy

2010-11-01T17:50:00.001-07:00

Give him an inch... he takes a mile. Love this dog. He has been my source of comfort and help. I'm not on real bed rest... just modified to lay down most of the time I'm home. PJ the smallest 90 pound dog you will ever meet thinks mom staying home is the best thing... I agree.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love you baby... you fill my heart with pride and joy.. Miss you my son if only we had more time. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Grow baby grow mommy wants you to stay. Come to me forever and I will love you for always. Love you baby boy.. mom

Work Work Work

2010-10-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

Well there is something to be said for keeping the mind occupied. I have just been given a promotion at work and am excited to start my new role. It is still hard for me be believe that they would give me such a role.... only because in my mind I'm still so young. HA HA I then remind myself that I'm not THAT young and oh yeah I've been working my butt off to do this for a really long time. So much has happened the past few years that I almost forget how fortunate I am to have work and so much of it. It has been a place of refuge for my mind. This is a huge chance and even more so given the circumstances I'm in right now. The days seem to go a little faster. The time not so still. My mind able to focus on others and tasks to be done. I am going to be so busy that my mind will be relieved of its duty of worry for this pregnancy. Oh, it will still be there on nights and weekends but to escape your mind for a while and concentrate on something totally not related feels like a breath of fresh air.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Good morning beautiful... keep after your brother for a while longer and remember how much you are loved and missed and thought of here. mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Sweet music to my ears as your heart beat dances on the Doppler. Stay baby Stay.. I love you to the moon and back. mommy

Candy

2010-10-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

I was reading my own blog (from start to finish) and came upon last years Halloween entry. I was just a few short weeks out from Joseph passing and a mess as to be expected. This year I don't think my heart will hurt so much. I am excited to put out some decorations and see all the kids again. Maybe it is the hope growing inside that has lightened my heart...My husband and I live in a great neighborhood full of families and lots of trick or treaties as I call them... I love looking at each child and asking them questions as to what they are or do they want a trick or a treat. There is something so sweet in the sound of a child's voice being assertive that I love. Maybe it is the first time they get to speak for themselves... I encourage them all to participate...Often our dogs hang out at the door (ever hopeful some candy will fall out of the bag onto the floor) but also to greet the little kids as they come. Our dogs usually make the kids feel safe coming to the door and they like to pet them and pat their heads. I usually try to dress them up and have so much fun. I can already see this year coming and feel some of the joy that it once brought coming back. I am glad I've not become jaded and sad for it.. because THIS is the stuff I get to look forward to.. hope with and desire. One day it will be me out there watching my little guy walking alone to a door for the first time.. one day... one day

Joseph can you hear mommy? Time to play a few tricks (but not with my keys please) I see you as a lion or a monkey this year.. walking up to that first door so cute.. Your door in heaven traveled alone to soon but none the less heartwarming in my mind... mom

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay and put those worries away.. we are going to make it together.. you and me babe... mommy

Two steps forward..

2010-10-21T15:44:00.000-07:00

I am including a picture of our little guy in here so for those of you who may not want to peak. I understand. I just wanted to start the focus now on this new little life inside me. I feel like I've had a lot of closure this week with Joseph... His birthday awesome.. my friends and family incredibly supportive. I am rested... more sure of myself and feel like I've taken two steps forward. My mind releasing baby Joe as we let go of the balloons and my heart making room for our new baby boy... We may have decided on a name.. Jonathan Cooper Jean. My husband has stated that this may change... so we are trying it out and I love it! So as you can tell I feel like I've taken two steps forward.

Introducing "little Jon"

Now.. for the one step back part. As you know I have had complications during this pregnancy and I just can't stop shaking the feeling that something will happen to him. Medically he is fine and I know and understand all of that. Emotionally I am drained and feeling hard on myself for some reason. I feel as If I'm letting him down or my body is anyway. None of this is true but the facts are facts. Hopefully I can swing this part of back into forward... I want so much to feel free and fun during this pregnancy.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love love Love.... Love love love and now I need you to help and protect your little bro Jon. He needs all the support he can get. Show him the way. mom

Little Jon are you listening? There are not yet words for how in love I already am of you. Please hang in there buddy. All of my focus to you. love mommy

Cutie

2010-10-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

This is Joseph's best buddy here on earth. This is little Liam born just 3 short months after Joseph passed. His momma and I have been friends for over 28 years.. Yes 28 years. We would always be together... so we know how close they are. Here is the little guy letting his buddy in heaven know happy birthday. It touches my heart and is so sweet.. I can't describe the feelings that have unfolded after the sight of all the love and support we received last week. All I can do is smile right now.. and appreciate the cute things.. the great things.. the small things.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you got all the gifts we sent.. I know you saw and felt all the love we have for you. Sweet baby.. you amaze me. mom.

Put are you listening? It felt warm and happy to have you inside shining love for everyone... I know you know your brother now and we can't wait to share his joy with you in time. Stay baby stay.. love mommy

Blown Away

2010-10-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

Over 40 people came to Joseph's Balloon Release here in Phoenix... and More than 8 states participated. I am blown away. I woke this morning feeling very moved. very Loved.. Very much in Awe and honor. He touched us all and so deeply continues to be every body's baby. Letting go of the balloons made me happy.. Letting go just a small piece of him in me gave me peace. He is beautiful... and will never be forgotten.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Joseph Henry

2010-10-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

1:30am 10/15/09 - 2:30pm 10/16/09 Forever our son... Forever in our hearts. Always there is love. Happy first Birthday my boy.. Mommy

** grab some tissue... turn up the volume... enjoy his life in pictures.
Brandy

Nerves

2010-10-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

I read my blog from start to finish....something I have not done.. ever. I usually don't go back but I wanted to see how far I've come. Unbelievable... is the only word I can use to describe the year. It went fast.. too fast. Here I sit waiting for tomorrow to come with anticipation and excitement. This is the same anticipation and excitement I had this same day 1 year ago as I thought just maybe today would have been my day... I don't think I would be here if it was...I have a video of pictures to share of him with the world (once I figure out how to use you tube) The cake is ordered and lots of balloons are being filled. The house is getting cleaned.. the first time in my life I am blessed to have someone else do it for us. I feel ready and terrified. Terrified because I've got this other little guy in my belly... worried that he will not make it and that tomorrow may be his birthday too. I am still having massive bleeding due to the SCH and Previa. It rocks me to the core each time I see such amounts and it takes all that I have left just to stand... I read the book Pregnancy after loss. How come there is nothing like my experience in there? Oh yeah.. that is because there can be nothing like this... A new book must be written.. For others to know more what this feels like. It takes nerves of steel to celebrate his 37 hours of life.. and to hope for a better outcome this time.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Are you getting ready up there? I see you in your baseball hat and mitt ready for play and action as always. So many will be with you tomorrow and Saturday... so many lives you have touched. Love.. Mom

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. I think I felt you for the first time. I have so many dreams for you already and want to share them with you. All of my love.. mommy

In one year

2010-10-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

Today is 4 days until Joseph's birthday and 5 days until his passing. I find myself in a good place regarding his coming and going... I've worked very hard this year in therapy.. in prayer and in finding the light. I have found peace with so many things that I don't know if I would have ever resolved had this not have happened. I have grown more wise to learn not to speak until I've really thought about what to say.. I have learned to love more deeply than love has ever known before. I have refused to be a statistic or a sad case. I have held my head high.. spoke of my son.. created his legacy that will in turn help those who follow me in this journey of life and loss. In one year I have cried more freely... laughed more deeply.. quieted my spirit and found faith....This year I mothered a son in heaven.. and all that comes along with that. I created a world where I could reach him and in return he came to me with peace.. and sometimes dreams... In one year my life changed just as it would if he were with me... completely. Just like everyone said being a mother would change me it did. I am grateful... In one year I am... me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you can. I still see you when I blink. I feel you in my heart. I reach you in my dreams and love all of you. mommy

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay... keep growing and thriving and join our family in time. You are already a big part of us. I love you little boy... mom.

Put and the SCH

2010-10-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

First and foremost... our little baby PUT is doing great and growing exactly on track at 13 weeks... Baby was doing flips and flops at the NT scan and kept showing off ..ahem... certain parts...Needless to say they are 90% certain that our Put is a "HE". I feel so blessed that I am having another boy. It warms my heart to think I've got another little guy in there. I know I know it is still so soon and anything is possible but.. he was REALLY showing off and I think they are right. In other good news.. NT scan showed perfect and along with our blood work we are told that we are going to have a healthy baby...

For the not so good news... mommy has a 4cm sub chorionic hemorrhage that is in a not so good spot. It is right behind the placenta. That itself would not be concerning if I was not still bleeding bright red blood.. They found that IS from the placenta now completely covering my cervix causing Placenta Previa. As you know Joseph died because my placenta abrupted... so this leaves us feeling so nervous. Dr's prescribed rest.. rest.. and more rest... We were also told that the two situations.. abruption and this are not related just really bad luck.... So I will Work from home when I can and do as little as possible. I go back every 2 weeks to monitor. Pray all is resolved by 20 weeks... and just hope right along with us that everything is going to be alright.

Joseph can you hear mommy? It is 1 week from your birthday - so many people are coming to celebrate your day - around the world others will be lighting a candle or sending off balloons from different locations. I can't wait.. I miss you and love you..mom

Put are you listening... Stay baby stay.. Keep growing away. I saw you showing off already and I am So in love with you. mommy PS we are working on your name Right now don't worry.

A Cherub and Mother Nature

2010-10-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

I dreamed what felt like 10 seconds just before I woke from sleep. I was playing indoor soccer and the coach would not put me in because well.. I'm supposed to be on bed rest. Needless to say I was mad anyway and slammed my shampoo bottle down.. it exploded. Why I had shampoo I will never know. Anyway because I could not play I went back to my room in a hotel that had 10 beds to a room.. I was looking for the bed I was to have and everyone kept telling me no sorry.. not this one.. I Finally found my bed (inside a wall) and had to climb up a rope to pull my body into the wall. (yes I said wall) The bed was nice and looked really comfortable and I remember telling myself it was like a safe little womb. I settled in and then noticed that above my bed was an opening to something else. Standing on my tip toes I peaked OVER the celling and to my left was a cherub. At first I thought it was a baby doll... and then the Cherub looked at me blinked.. and then Blew GOLDEN dust out of his hand into my face. Just as the sparkle of dust began to fall it illuminated another bedroom. Filled with purple satin.. mother natures den... She rose from slumber and looked directly into my eyes. She said to me "Your wish will be granted". Then I woke up. What an awesome dream. I hope it comes true.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Was that you blowing me kisses in my dream? I felt you so vividly. You make me feel proud and warm. I love you baby... mom.

Put are you listening? Stay baby Stay - Grow and become the one who I can take home forever. You are in all my thoughts and I love you so much already. Mommy

October came

2010-10-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

I was not expecting October to come. I didn't want to turn that page and see that the month is October. It happened anyway. I watched as I wrote in my own hand his birthday... and his memorial on the loving spots they will arrive. I sobbed as I saw my hand shake.. a tremble in my soul. Although I am so proud of him and all that he has touched this past year.. I am missing him. So many new friends have come into my life making it more rich than I could have imagined... So many people have reached out and voiced hope and love I almost can't keep count. Of loves that have lost his was great. A piece of my heart never to return went to heaven with him. I don't mind.. For my hole has healed with new light and a life I would have never known. Tears of remembering him slip slowly past my cheek and drip under my chin... but once they touch my heart I know a love that is unstoppable.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you little one. I love you more than the world has air. I can feel you smiling down on me... mom.

Put are you listening? Your big brother is helping you I know.. helping you just like a big brother should. I love you...stay baby stay... mommy

ER but ok

2010-09-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

I really do try to avoid the ER. I know they can't do anything for me and I also know that most of the ER Docs just are not 'good' with pregnant ladies bleeding to what they feel like is death. I had the biggest SCH bleed to date last night. It actually woke me up out of a deep sleep. Right around 11:30pm I sat up and KNEW. I ran to the BR and sure enough.. blood. not a speck.. not a spot... a OH MY can I even walk after loosing this much amount.

Baby PUT is WONDERFUL. I didn't want to keep going in the story until telling you he/she is fine.. we have too much sorrow in this community too much loss.. and this is NOT a sad story.. this is just a scary one. AGAIN!

Ok - so back to ER... I really DON'T want to go... the long wait... the Dr who is brutally cold... the cold rooms.. the lack of sleep.. you get it.. but there was NO WAY I couldn't go last night. Husband raced me there... and you will never guess.

NOBODY was in the waiting room... Not one single person?! I went right in.. I had a room in 10 min. The Dr and nurse comforted me in less than 1 hour by showing me on ultrasound baby PUT and the Strong heartbeat! I was blown away. The ER Dr. actually knew what to do - was not cold.. but nice.. Said you are at 12 weeks and you will be Fine.. baby looks good... Amazing. He even asked us to wait while we had a real ultrasound tech come in and she sent the slides to the OB on call -

we left in under 3 hours. that has to be a record. There is GOOD everywhere.. and sometimes even when you have a bad situation or the worst possible in your mind... People surprise you.. Something goes your way and just when you need it.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you are looking in and keeping your sister or brother safe.. I can feel you so strong now.. you are amazing and I love you more than there are words... mom

Little put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. keep growing the way you are and snuggle in.. we need you to snuggle in for another 6 months. I love you with all my heart.. mommy

Perhaps

2010-09-29T06:16:00.000-07:00

Seems like a momentous hurdle... today I am 12 weeks. Oh, my rose colored glasses are not on.. I know there is no such thing as out of the woods. Perhaps I can get some sleep now.. Perhaps I can eat again without the constant gag and choking. Maybe my mind will ease if only some. I still have fear and worry but more good days are coming. Perhaps I will be able to slowly crawl out of the grief. Joseph's birthday is in 15 days...I know how beautiful his party will be. I took out some of his things.. in his box.. just to touch, smell and remember. Perhaps now I can clean out the drawers.. Make room for Put's things and box up the remaining items we have chosen to keep just for Joseph. It feels like the right time to do this now. Perhaps I will feel better each day coming out of the grief filled year and into the new beginning where hope is already bubbling.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you in my arms again.. You are so strong and powerful. I love you until forever... mommy.

Put are you listening? 12 weeks today we have been together.. you are growing so well and making us so proud. We love you so much and can't wait to see you grow and grow. mom.

Dogs say it best

2010-09-27T06:30:00.000-07:00

I made the bed this morning....... and our old lady Emma Jean decided she was NOT ready to get out of it.. She got so close to the pillows that they flipped on top of her.. not that she minded. Pretty little nest of happiness. She tucked so cozy and warm... Drifts my mind to content. Joseph is in heaven safe and warm.. Put is in my belly safe and warm.... somehow all is right again... Dogs know how to say it best. LOVE.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Nearing your big day my heart open wide with love... mom.

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay... no worries today.... love you mommy.

Blech

2010-09-25T09:30:00.000-07:00

Just when I started to feel really embraced and ready to tell the world about PUT.. bleeding again.. Not nearly as bad as before but, still.. I just want to Scream.. THIS SUCKS. Being a pregnant BLM is ridiculously hard. Every twinge. wipe.. look in the mirror.. questions my ability to be able to do it... To bring a living child home.. BLECH... horrible spit of vial that I have sitting in the pit of my stomach. To top it all off.. I miss my son so much right now.. To have his what would be heavy head resting against my chest would ease the worry that I contain. Every day is a struggle.. Every day I have to tell myself "everything is gonna be alright". I sometimes feel like one of those blow up punching bags... you remember the kind that had a weight in the bottom and when you whapped at it... it would hit the ground only to come right back up again? That is exactly what I feel like.. I just keep getting back up.. moving forward.. shake my head a little with wonder and worry and move my next foot forward.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I hope you can feel my love... It is so strong that I almost know you can.. mom

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. We need you so much and love you more than you will ever understand.. mommy.

acceptance

2010-09-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

It feels like I have aged 10 years in 3 weeks. With all the activity going on regarding little "put" and bleeding... and the overwhelming Grief wave that has crashed down on me as we approach Joseph's first birthday in heaven... it is a wonder I'm still standing. I am fighting weight loss.. as you know I'm trying to gain weight for the our Put.. and somehow the pounds just keep slipping away. It isn't too bad.. Lost 5lbs that is all and I am eating what I can get into my mouth as often as I can.. but the food chokes me again. Just like it did in the beginning of my grief... I can't sleep.. I wake each night at 1:30am exactly the time little baby Joe was born.... My hair has turned gray.. Not kidding.. Even my husband notices it... and my hairdresser. The lines on my face have deepened and I am tired. BUT, as I sit here today weathered by the storm I am happy. Not kidding.. happy and so thankful for everything... I feel with my new aged body has come such a wisdom... A patients that has never been there before.. a quiet light that is shining once again from inside me out... and then I figured out what it was..... acceptance.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love each day when the sun comes up and I see you shining down over us.. you amaze me.. mommy.

Put are you listening? Stay in there ... stay in there.. Grow and know how loved you are.. mom.

signs of relief

2010-09-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

I got all of Josephs first birthday in heaven cards out.. and posted on facebook for those that I did not have an address for. Some of you are only readers and therefore I'll post here too. Joseph's birthday in heaven will be Saturday the 16th of October. If you don't live in Arizona... just light a candle for him OR let off a balloon yourself and take a picture for me... I would LOVE to see it... It is also Arizona's National Walk to remember for all baby's gone too soon. I think he has a special birthday... sign number one.. being born on the same day the world has chosen as a Day to remember our children.. October 15th each year will be celebrated by too many people.. too many families.. but that also warms my heart. My state does not have much... but it does have an incredible group of women and men running infant loss groups for support and there is a hospital that supports us every step of the way. So on the day of his death one year later we will Walk.. sign number two.. to remember him and all babies.. Every single child who's mom's read this blog will be remembered. We will be writing names in chalk along our one mile path.. Each of you will have your baby remembered by me and my husband. Each of you will know that you have touched my heart.. and Josephs heart in so many ways... Ahhh yes that is the sign of relief. Relief he is not forgotten.. that none of our children are forgotten..

Joseph can you hear mommy? I hope you are ready to lead the parade.. We will be marching and signing for you.. I can't wait for you to see the balloons coming your way soon. All of my love, mommy

Put are you listening? Do exactly what you are doing little one.. Grow and grow and stay put for a while. I love you littlest hope.. mom.

11 months of missing you

2010-09-15T08:53:00.000-07:00

Today marks 11.... 11 months of missing you. I woke in a panic that something was "missing" and it was you. My heart heavy but my love Grand. I picture you with a ball cap and jean shorts... Walking already although not steady yet. You are so strong and cute. I can feel your dimples from here. I can smell your sweet baby sent and hear your kisses in the wind when they wisp across my face. Forward together hand in hand we are united in our bond of mother and child. Proud is my chest filled with having a son. A beautiful boy... 11 months in heaven today.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love.. Love.. Love all for you baby boy. Little man Joe.. forever and ever, mom.

Stay Put

2010-09-13T12:39:00.000-07:00

So baby B now has a little nick-name.. "stay put" or just "Put" for short. Little Put has been a roller coaster of emotion for us... we have really been so fortunate for the care of our Dr's to see us so much and with such tender hearts. I went again today for another ultrasound to check on little "Put". It seems that I am still bleeding and they can't find the source.. anywhere... so It comes and goes as a surprise for me and usually happens right when I am trying to go to sleep (thus I have not been sleeping well). Anyway.... little Put is right where he/she and I'm thinking she with all this trouble... is supposed to be. Heart beating, growing on schedule and a beautiful site for sore eyes. Speaking of I must look like a sight for sore eyes.. all the staff have been so comforting and kind.. even the Dr told me if I get scared again.. just come in.. someone is always willing to do a little ultrasound if that gives me hope and peace of mind. Love them for that. I'm pretty sure that will help me until I can make it to the 12 weeks mark and then order a home Doppler for regular checking. I also lost 3 lbs... NOT good when trying to grow a baby. I am not sick just don't feel like eating and then when I do get hungry I don't want what I make myself. So I'm just getting in calories for now - whatever they may be.. good or bad I need to get something in and help this little one Grow Grow Grow. Today I am 9 weeks and 4 days. I'd like to be in a medically induced coma for 7 more months but alas.. I'll keep ticking on my own with my little Stay put in my heart and my wonderful husband by my side.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love that you are helping your little brother or sister. I sent invitations out today for your 1st birthday in heaven. I love you more than words can express.. mommy

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. take my worries away.. love and grow strong. momma

Get off the Bus.

2010-09-10T06:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much for all of your good wishes and prayers. I go back to the Dr. on Monday so for the weekend they told me modified bed rest. I can still go to work but for the most part I need to be laying down or sitting with my feet up. NOOOO PROBLEM. I still feel so worried... but I got to see little baby b's heart beating away... He/She is still in there and going strong. I am feeling a little better today having read lovely comments and emails from all of you who are such a big help to me. I absolutely love this community of friends.... It is amazing what words can do to the heart.. the mind and the body. I go to therapy... that is also a wonderful place for me to find support and help getting turned in the go forward positive direction. Last night I was told to think of my emotions as a bus.... I had to tell her who's driving the bus (Fear) and then to think of a name for Fear... (I am sure you can think of LOTS of names that go with FEAR...) so when fear drives my bus I can yell at it to GET OFF THE BUS... thus taking control and putting whomever I want in the driver seat (HOPE)... needless to say that is a very good tool. I've had lots of fun filling my bus seats with so many good thoughts that FEAR and failure and all those other terrible emotions have just been BOOTED RIGHT OFF.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw you last night as I visited your big boy place. I felt your tickle of warm wind across my cheek. I love you my son.. always mommy.

Little baby B are you listening? Hope drives our bus and we will bump off all of those that don't belong together. Forever my love... mom

Worried and all worked up

2010-09-08T20:10:00.000-07:00

First everything is okay... and there seems to be a rash of this going around... in our BLM world....Enough already I can't handle anymore! I am having a huge bleed... huge... Scared out of my mind I went to the emergency women's fetal center thinking the worst had already happened. It DID NOT. Baby b is still with us.. Heart beating fast but just fine. I cried my eyes out.... Nestled in and measuring perfect. Why in the world am I literally bleeding so much that I can not stop the panic and they can't find any reason for it on my ultrasound? How can it be normal? This is not normal and yet the Dr who saw me today (and does not know my history) said.. this is the 3rd one of these I've seen today...like hey no big deal... Okay.. HUGE sigh of relief that nothing is wrong with this little one but come ON can I catch a break here? When should I be more worried that the bleeding is more.... and then NOT okay. I will wait for my regular OB to call me back tomorrow.... Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks and I can't imagine that I will sleep tonight. I wish they could have seen the source of the bleeding.. I wish they could have told me that it was "almost" done or that it would stop by such and such time OR Come back tomorrow so we can check you again just to be safe..... Until now I just pray that baby B hangs on and this is nothing more than a little speed bump to an otherwise perfect healthy and coming home baby.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I am so worried. I know you see me and daddy working with your little brother or sister.. I love you my son with all my heart... mom

Little baby B? Hang in there little love.. in my heart so deep already.. On my mind and worried about you .... sink in and stay for us.. we want you so badly. always and forever your mommy.

A dose of baby

2010-09-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

So full was my heart this weekend. My husband and I got to care for a family of 4. Zero to 4 under the age of 11 and perfect. The cake and the icing this little guy.. 7 months old with two bottom teeth. What a happy and super cute baby. I loved having so much going on. The house busy with the buzz of life and little ones. Funny stories and good games to play. Just bliss. As you know it was not my family but one of my best friends on earth asked us to visit for this weekend in hopes of getting some time alone with her husband. Who would say no to such an offer... Loved having this time. We are auntie and uncle after all even if not by blood.. sometimes friends are closer than family anyway. A good dose of baby and a beautiful way to spend my time.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I heard you giggle with us this weekend. You were right there in the thick of it with laughter. It is almost your birthday baby.. I love you.. mommy

Baby B Jean are you listening? Sweet love you are and so much hope I felt for you this weekend. I am ready for you to move and dance inside... love mom.

parallel

2010-09-02T06:17:00.000-07:00

I am in a strange parallel right now.. The weeks are ticking down toward Josephs first birthday in heaven... and the weeks are ticking up in baby b's new life. I want each week to come more quickly for this little one growing inside me.. so that I feel he or she is safe... and yet I don't want the weeks to turn any further.. knowing the reality of Joseph not being here for an entire year is looming. I have new appointments made for baby b... and birthday cards for Josephs birthday party ready....just not mailed out yet. I bought a few new onsies for this little one as to show no fear (although I am constantly worried) I picked out a cake to serve my big boy turning one. I am holding my belly and holding my heart at the same time. I live with positive joy and love...but panic catches me off guard. I feel more motherly and round..and hollow missing him sometimes. I am on a grand adventure where each week leads me into the next unknown. It is a wild journey that I am so happy to share with everyone... I joined the group SPALS this week. It is a support group for BLM's who are now pregnant again. It is a private group you can join and I encourage others to check it out. I know I'm leaning hard on everyone... dealing with death and a baby all at one time is as before.. a parallel world.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you big boy.. more than there are seconds in a day.. more than heaven is high in the sky... until forever... mommy

Baby B are you listening? I saw you beating on your 8th week of life yesterday... you are amazing and the courage you have blesses me daily. I love you.. mom.

The silver

2010-08-29T09:15:00.001-07:00

Every cloud has a silver lining... unless you live in the west and the clouds poof pink after a storm. I love the storm clouds from the rain and admire the sheer awe of nature's beauty from pain. A constant rebirth and reminder of what comes can go so quickly and left yet in the path something terrible and still so pretty. Our life continues to be beautiful. I still have pain from loss and then beauty from hope. Not just hope for our future as parents but also hope from what Joseph has brought to our lives... something only mother nature could orchestrate... something so meaningful to all of our hearts. Deep in my soul I feel him rocking to the time of my heart beating.. settled in our lives forever our first born son. Love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? It is almost your birthday in heaven. One is a big deal and we are going to celebrate. I smile when I see you dance in heaven. love until forever... mom

Baby B Jean are you listening? Let me feel you grow and know that you are so wanted so loved.. mommy

Days of the week.

2010-08-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

The days of the week keep turning.. Each day I look forward to the next. Monday I was filled with fright... Tuesday I was back to the gym... Wednesday I was so tired from Monday that I just made it... Thursday went fast and busy.. Today I sit shaking my head that just a short week has gone by and all my emotions have been used to the fullest. I tried to open my sisters garage door with my opener.... I boiled eggs and forgot about them for an hour. I flooded the bathroom because I used the sink we had not yet fixed knowing ... it had not yet been fixed. I yelled.. I cried... I slept. Sometimes the days of the week fly by.. Sometimes like this week each day feels like a different year. I got Josephs Birthday cards in the mail today... I bought them from Carly at Red bubble... just love her work so much. I can't wait to celebrate his day.. Oh, how loved he is..

Joseph can you hear mommy? Almost my son... almost 1. I miss you baby boy and see those teeth you cut.. what a cute smile. I picture you with dimples. All my love mom.

Baby B Jean are you listening? Float in the love that surrounds you... Know how much you are loved. Grow to the beautiful soul I know you want to be.. mommy.

Positive energy

2010-08-23T12:52:00.001-07:00

To be positive in the face of everything... that is no easy task and yes even I fail to at every twist and turn believe all the time... Not today. Not now and not ever will cast my shadow of doubt. Yesterday and today I was bleeding.. Never a good sign and not what I wanted... I convinced myself and my husband that I'd lost all symptoms of being pregnant... because for some strange reason my pants fit this morning... The mind can play terrible tricks on your body. Your body will give into your mind unless you change it. I went to the Dr today ... not supposed to go but I just could not shake it... the empty feeling... the helplessness. I simply said when I got there.. Please.. Please let this be alright. And Baby B's heart beat... This time we got to hear it. In just 3 short days the little bean grew and looked healthy... Tears of joy spilled and I wept to clear my mind of the fear that was gripping me. Released that strong hold and exhaled a giant sigh of Hope.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw your t-rex in the cloud on the way home... I am happy you are playing in heaven... So clearly and so wonderful you are beautiful... mom

Baby B Jean are you listening... I also saw you today in my belly.. beating and laughing... I can only guess you will be a little girl as only one made from me could give so much trouble in so short of time.... I love you now and always.. Mommy

Pregnancy after loss

2010-08-22T16:34:00.001-07:00

I read the book... I know the rules (rules don't apply) and still I can not catch a break in my mind. Every single thing I do keeps telling me I'm not lucky enough to have this little one really growing and that.. something may have already happened so... don't go spending on new maternity clothes and baby booties. I am one of the most positive people you will ever meet.. I promise, really I am. Even after Joseph died I decided to look up and grieve in the light.... I managed very well I think.. so far and maybe... Today I am a mess of pessimism... after the high of seeing the heartbeat on Friday I was so sure and confident positive that was all I needed to shake this... this... feeling I have of sorrow again. Overwhelming me is a constant attention to my uterus... I keep thinking was that a cramp? Why does my low back hurt.. am I spotting? Am I crazy? When I got pregnant with Joseph and saw the heart beating for the first time... I just knew that everything was going to be alright... Last time I was pregnant with my little hope in April... I knew from the start that there was not much of a chance.... and we never did see that little bean flicker...yet I was so sure...Today I am 6weeks and 3 days.. I saw the heart beating in front of my eyes... Why am I crying? how can the doubt circle back so fast I feel whiplash? I don't go back until September 1st...... The beast of pregnancy after loss can rear its head.. but it can't win I am too stubborn to let it... I am digging my heals in and giving this everything I've got.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw the rain last night and thought of you splashing in rain boots... I miss you so much and love you even more... mommy.

Baby Jean are you listening.... Every ounce that I have in me wants you.. safe and home until forever... mom

Baby B for Baby Jean

2010-08-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

Today we saw the heart beat. That little bean flickered on screen for his/her debut. As if on cue the smallest gift from god came and we watched with pure joy as baby Jean danced. So much has gone right... every step we have taken on this specific part of our journey has gone our way. For the first time in all the years we have been on this roller coaster... something happened when it should and just how it should. All the signs all the forward momentum. All the love shows here. 6 weeks and 1 day of perfection. My due date is April 14th 2011... Today I will sleep with quiet and in awe of all of this... this miracle in the making...

Joseph can you hear mommy? thanking for looking in the window from heaven and watching over this little brother or sister for us.. Your talent is amazing.. I have more love for you with every second of every day. I miss you little guy and feel you as you shine your love over me... Mommy

The great unknown

2010-08-18T06:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is hard to not know... and other times I wish I did not know at all any of this. I am having trouble keeping focused right now. I am... believe me... doing everything that I know how to do and more....but doubt keeps creeping in that I am really pregnant again and this is our baby to take home. Every little thing that happens makes me nervous and the last thing I need to be is high strung or worried for any reason. I know everything is going to be alright but that does not stop my mind from turning sharp and quick into what if... not.. and then what happens. I trace the steps of my pregnancy with Joseph and all was perfect the whole time... no indication that anything was wrong so how in the heck do I just take that plunge of believing? The answer is I just do. I just have to. I press forward into the great unknown and try to turn on my suspension of disbelief mind on full power. I rest easy in little tricks I play with myself... Ah.. This is how someone can drive themselves crazy... but, I'm already a little crazy anyway. As a new day dawns and I reach out into the great unknown... Peace fills my heart hope guides my way and love is what helps me make it to the next minute.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I picture you in heaven paving the path for this or these gentle souls... who is it to be your little brother or sister or both? I love you ... the littlest Jean, Mommy

Another Milestone

2010-08-16T06:01:00.001-07:00

As yet another page turns on the calendar... Another milestone passed. 10 months have gone already and I can't tell you where the time has gone. 10 months of loving him and knowing him and finding my path as a mom to an angel in heaven. I have learned so much about love.. faith and hope. These months have shown me more than I ever expected to know. I have witnessed firsthand deep kindness from many people. I have seen Joseph grow in heaven to be so brave and kind. I am proud of my son and although a little sad as... tick... of time clocks the next chapter.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you sweet little guy. I see you with your baseball cap and smile. Love profound for you. I miss you my baby.. mom

whif

2010-08-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

I got a huge whiff of him... something that I have not had in a really long time. I often go in the nursery for anything I can think of... I put my scrapbook things in there and we have moved in a glider for sitting... Even though Joseph did not come home from the hospital I smell him in there sometimes. It happened again this morning as I was finishing getting ready.. I passed the nursery on my way out the door and Wham whoosh.. Love. The biggest smile landed on my lips and I just released the deepest sigh. It is just the little things like this that make me so happy... One Whiff and I know he is safe and warm and happy. I have not been able to smell him in a long while and thought the sent had faded. I'm so glad it is still there allowing me in just for a moment of love and a hug from heaven.

Joseph can you hear mommy? All my love to you sweet little one. Every breath I take for you to know forever my own. Love, mommy.

Gonna be Alright

2010-08-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

Theme song.....

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you so much.... Every morning I see you when the sun comes up and every night I tuck you into bed as the sun sets.... Until Forever, mommy.

Going strong...

2010-08-09T15:01:00.000-07:00

So far so good. Numbers are where they are supposed to be.... feeling confident that this is my rainbow(s) baby. I have to say that I have had strange pings and pangs and I'm not sure what that means other than my body is starting to work... I guess. I know for sure that I can feel all your good thoughts for me and my husband as we walk into the realm of pregnancy after loss.. hand and hand... I am SO SO SO Hopeful. Keep them coming and thank you so much..

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you for all that you are and the courage you bring me. I can't tell you enough how beautiful you are... amazing baby Joe.... Love mommy.

Credits

2010-08-07T05:39:00.000-07:00

There are so many people who have helped me......... When Joseph died my usually free spirit of giving smiles and laughter was crushed.... My quick wit and kooky nature gone. Even my neck and back physically hurt from hanging my head down so low. Then there where those that came into my life who will forever be new friends. Old friends who really showed up for me and never gave into letting me slip further into dark. Amazing village of love. As it takes a village to raise a child it also takes one to forge their death. I can't give out enough credit to those who did...and forever will be in my heart....If I could I would give back to them the same amount of hope they have given me the world would change... so I will.. I have never been judged for the amount of time I need to grieve.. I have never been questioned as to why I want things with his name on it all the time still. All those that know me understand that I just want to forever keep Joseph memory alive. I want to document each passing moment of my life for him so he can see how much a part of my life he is and will always be. I'm not going to say I don't still have dark moments.. The waves have reduced to small crashes into the sand...but, most of the time my village of hope that surrounds me has shined shined shined into a beautiful part of my life. I am forever changed and will continue to be changed....and when I look inside for who I once was... I see her... only brighter and stronger than before.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Beautiful son who's gifts keep giving and growing with each passing day. I saw you take your first steps in heaven against the magenta sky of night. Sending you so many kisses that you would wiggle and giggle me to stop. I love you my son... mommy

Can you see it?

2010-08-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

I can. Even if you can't see it ..... it is there... BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IVF worked. Today we got the news that our littlest hope is in there. I am stunned happy. All of you know how uncertain the first few weeks are so please.. Keep this on the down low especially if you read here and are a friend of mine of FB... Please don't post. I'll be waiting to make official announcement once we are further down the line. What I CAN use is your help with is prayer.. that this littlest hope keeps growing strong and that this is our future child to bring home forever.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I knew when I saw your letter in the rainbow that you were looking out for us. You amaze me my son. Love for you reaches to heaven today I feel it. mom.

So Slowly

2010-08-04T06:25:00.001-07:00

Time goes by so slowly.... when you are waiting for your tomorrow to come. I have filled my days with what if and when. I have rationalised what should/ will and can happen to being nothing more than worry. I have convinced myself that I already know the outcome and yet.. I wait still not knowing. I am sure those of you who have waited two weeks know what I am feeling. I feel so confident and then so weak. I feel so sure of myself that this IVF worked that I can circle back in under 10 seconds to I couldn't be that lucky. Ah time is a keeper alright. A trapper of thought and emotion. So slowly will the next few days be... so quickly will my mind race with anticipation of what tomorrow will bring.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Big kisses and lots of hugs... smiles and shine to you today and tomorrow and always... mom.