Wednesday, June 3, 2015

The Jean team 2015

It has been almost 2 years from my last blog post.    I miss my son Joseph more now than ever.   I have not had a place to really talk about him (I do but not about what I feel) much as we have been so busy.    I am thankful to be so busy...  I have a house and heart full of life and hope and love and awesome.    The twins are almost two and my son is four.   Joseph is nearing his 6th birthday in heaven.    

So why now do I come here to write?   Its all about my sons JJ and Joseph.   JJ can't stop talking about his brother.  It is daily and constant and amazing but it is sad to me...  For some reason I feel like after nearly six years I don't have the right to be sad but I am .. and whatever is going on with Joseph and my kids I want to foster it...  I want to harness the goodness of the sweet innocence but I'm not sure if my heart can take it.

Captions from this week from JJ

" mom, I know Joseph lives in our heart - but can I call him out on my shoulder to get the bad guys if I want to karate chop them with my kung fu brother?"

" Joseph is silver today"

" mom, when will I die?  because I want to bring my brother all my legos so we can be ninja star wars buddies"

" If Joseph is on my shoulder when I think about him why can't I see him?"

Captions from this week with Wren (whom is the spitting image of Joseph only a girl)

" momma puppy?  my puppy?  no no no puppy..  Joseph"

" mom diducyat?  did uc Joseph? "

My heart is breaking and my tears are coming harder.... faster... and my anxiety returned to the what if and when time of long ago.    Can my kids feel him?   Do my Kids see him?   Is this just a manifestation I'm imposing ON them because I still talk about Joseph all the time?

only questions unanswered.   In the bliss of parenting 3 kids on earth  My heart aches for the one above ..  the one who came first.... the one who made me a mom.    Death parted us. Have the siblings brought us together again?

Joseph can you hear me?    you are brave and beautiful.   my heart knows more than I am letting it see and feel.  Thank you for showing and feeling and shining on in JJ and Wren.   I miss you.  
Love mom.