Thursday, September 17, 2015

Joseph,   This was the moment that I met you.  it took me 10 hours to get to you for this moment... the best moment in my life.  I had a son and you are beautiful.
There is a cap under your gauge and pick line in your belly..   but all I can see are your perfect toes and fingers.. your sweet lips, nose and eyes,  I feel you so deeply in just my touch of your skin.

 The Moment I held you.... still takes my breath away.   what I remember and what I feel and what I can still recall in the scent and taste of your being... very real. 
 This was the moment...  your moment where you told us it was time to let you go.....  shared between love and held in the light and life your parents..  between us our only being... our creation and then you in turn became the creation of so much more.   this moment changes my life forever.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Precious Moments.   A sweet kiss on my eye from my Brynnie who likes to brush my hair and put my necklace on.   A full sentence from my Wrennie who asks while in the car on the way home "good day at work momma?"  A deep laugh from my J bird as he tells his first jokes and thinks they are oh so funny.

They Fill my world with Joy.. light and life.   
My heart so full and yet still so void at times.
like today...
when I feel Joseph Henry in my soul.
When the surface is exposed and just beneath is my raw emotion of missing him.

You are in every blink my son... in every beat.  You fill me with pride.


Wednesday, June 3, 2015

The Jean team 2015

It has been almost 2 years from my last blog post.    I miss my son Joseph more now than ever.   I have not had a place to really talk about him (I do but not about what I feel) much as we have been so busy.    I am thankful to be so busy...  I have a house and heart full of life and hope and love and awesome.    The twins are almost two and my son is four.   Joseph is nearing his 6th birthday in heaven.    

So why now do I come here to write?   Its all about my sons JJ and Joseph.   JJ can't stop talking about his brother.  It is daily and constant and amazing but it is sad to me...  For some reason I feel like after nearly six years I don't have the right to be sad but I am .. and whatever is going on with Joseph and my kids I want to foster it...  I want to harness the goodness of the sweet innocence but I'm not sure if my heart can take it.

Captions from this week from JJ

" mom, I know Joseph lives in our heart - but can I call him out on my shoulder to get the bad guys if I want to karate chop them with my kung fu brother?"

" Joseph is silver today"

" mom, when will I die?  because I want to bring my brother all my legos so we can be ninja star wars buddies"

" If Joseph is on my shoulder when I think about him why can't I see him?"

Captions from this week with Wren (whom is the spitting image of Joseph only a girl)

" momma puppy?  my puppy?  no no no puppy..  Joseph"

" mom diducyat?  did uc Joseph? "

My heart is breaking and my tears are coming harder.... faster... and my anxiety returned to the what if and when time of long ago.    Can my kids feel him?   Do my Kids see him?   Is this just a manifestation I'm imposing ON them because I still talk about Joseph all the time?

only questions unanswered.   In the bliss of parenting 3 kids on earth  My heart aches for the one above ..  the one who came first.... the one who made me a mom.    Death parted us. Have the siblings brought us together again?

Joseph can you hear me?    you are brave and beautiful.   my heart knows more than I am letting it see and feel.  Thank you for showing and feeling and shining on in JJ and Wren.   I miss you.  
Love mom.