Friday, February 22, 2013

Identical.......

 Twins...Twins...!!!   Wonder upon wonder...  2 Bean Jeans....   One embryo split into two?  I guess I've always known this is a possibility but just assumed always that when we put two embryo in that those would make the twins.  Never did I imagine that one would not take and the other would divide beautifully into two!   Two beautiful heartbeats... Two beautiful chances of hope and love.   A Double Rainbow for sure.   I feel Calm.. I feel Happy..  and I know everything will be alright.    Keep on Keeping on bean Jeans.   Grow and thrive and live.    EDD 10/09/13 but with Twins and Joseph's story likely they will be delivered 09/11/13 or 09/18/13 if we can make it longer.    This brings a new meaning to the words SHOCK AND AWE!  I am humbled by this and I am amazed by this -  Both are growing right on track and both have beautiful hearts beating away.   This is love... This is life..  reach for the stars dream big and life does not disappoint~!
7 Weeks 1 Day - Released to the regular OB.  It feels like graduation day!


The Bean Jean's

Friday, February 15, 2013

heartbeat

There are several moments in time... in life... where you are just silent with your self and know that all is right with the world.   We saw the heartbeat today.   A little flicker of hope and momentum to keep on keeping on.   So far this pregnancy has been a giant roller coaster.  Up and down.. crying and bleeding.  Too much blood for a baby to be there.   and yet..  If even for this moment.  if this is for always and ever...  this perfect instant where life can be seen.   Precious one inside me now..  you are loved.  You are wanted.. you are protected in heaven and here on earth and we love you.   All of this to you my sweet child.   Spend time... stay safe.. grow big.   Until then I will open the heart bigger for you and breathe this miracle of life and time.

Mom.

I'm following the advise of Fran and her new book and adding a Mantra to this baby.

"be calm, be happy, everything will be alright"

Friday, February 8, 2013

Shock and Awe

I should know that nothing is easy when it comes to this family adding.. Babies and or any other subject including pregnancy.    Yesterday I started bleeding.   Could be from the progesterone - could be from vanishing twin.  Could be losing the baby.   I am 5 weeks and 2 days today.   Not yet far enough along to show anything on ultrasound...  waiting for blood results a 5th time.   If the results are still positive and this little Jean bean jumps to 1400 or more  HCG I will be in shock.   I will be in Awe and I will have no choice but to go full steam ahead with positive... this baby will make it... no matter what.   I will remain calm and continue to believe as almost everyone else does that we can bring home a second living child. 

Beta #5  = 1600  - SHOCK and AWE.   Could this be..  our forever baby?!

Miracles....

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Beat #4

Certainly no-one should be subject to this type of cruelty of time/hope and wait and see.   I went in today for my 4th Beta.   We don't know more today than we did on Monday - Good news is I am still pregnant!   Alas at this 4th test I went in negative.  Yes negative.  I know I'm not normally so that is quite shocking to some.   I feel nothing.. I expect nothing.   Perhaps this is my only way to protect my heart...   Wishes of normal just can't be found when it comes to this...  so facts and hope are all that can be clung too.
# 149
# 225
# 409
# 720

Lots of people I have in my friendship/BLM/fertility circle have been putting the positive vibes out there for me.   That is all I can use as explanation for little bean jean to have finally made it past the 66% mark.  it was not me.. this time. it was you guys...  so thank you.  I needed that obviously.   Again not usually such a downer or a negative person but for some reason I was not convinced that this was viable.   not even close.    I'm keeping a journal of this current life chance as well to document in honesty.. the good.. the bad.. and the ugly.

Perhaps there is a tiny glimmer of hope that this life will live and the steady beat of the heart can be heard by next week sometime.    Come on team Jean.   Come on bean Jean.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Beta Hell

The fertility beta hell is a real mind bender.  Nobody ever in the world should have to wait for such a tourcherous result.   My opinion is they should take your blood ONCE...  then tell you to come back in 3 weeks for an ultrasound... see if anything is a cooking.    This blood draw "double" dance we have been on is a killer workout of mind, body and soul.   Our numbers mean nothing to the regular human... they mean EVERYTHING to a fertility war hero (such as myself).  Our first numbers were fantastic.. in fact the Dr. even said it was a strong number....  beta 2 did not double as you know and they really look for at least 70%.  Mine was not even that..   but it did rise soo.. I got the pleasure of going in for a 3rd beta.  Had my eggs just taken a little longer to pre-bake because they were frozen?


Results Beta 3!  409!  Still rising but very low and not a double at all...  

Dear Jean BEAN - grow baby grown - we need 800 on Wednesday so Friday Beta will push us over 1000 mark..   Likely this will be  your last chance -  COME ON BABY

Friday, February 1, 2013

Feeling Full

Today was beta 2 for baby Jean 2013.   His/Her numbers almost doubled.. 149 to 225  Sometimes Frozen Embryo lag behind a few days before pepping up.  I am still so hopeful...  I also have a new Start at the company I work for. A new job and fancy promotion inside the company starts Monday.   Talk about a wow factor.   New hope, new life, new promotion, new start to everything.    I just feel so grateful.   Life is so beautiful when you let it be sometimes.    The looming worry and the doubt I'd have another child are gone.  the stressful job I had with direct reports lifted.   I want to shout out at the rooftop how happy I am.    OK so a little apprehensive at starting a new job..  and of course they don't know that I'm expecting.  Heck I should not even know that I'm expecting.    Ah the life of a fertility veteran.  Can you please have a huge number on Monday little Jean Bean?  

I've always felt such an obligation to tell my boss or to tell my company what I'm doing..  I have a guilty conscience that nobody knows this time  (least not my new boss)   He will learn soon enough if in keeping with my previous pregnancy I show really early!   This time I'm so happy for the chance at my new job that I almost feel I should have waited.. should not have applied for the role knowing.. just knowing that my family was not yet complete.   BUT why should I do that?  Because I'm a woman and need to not have a career?  No way!   So like with everything I set my mind too, I decided to pursue the next level of employment, move forward in my career and work hard to continue to achieve where I want to be...  at the top.   well not really at the top top but enough of the top to make a difference!   So I will.

I know that there are going to be days ahead of me where I question the above statement and I worry about this littlest Jean bean inside but today..  if only for today I feel invincible!