Every year the months before October seem shorter. It feels as if each year faster than the last and October arrives like it was in between every other month on the calendar. I did really well with grief last year. Spent time working on the plan for October... I made it to September before it dawned on me that October really was the next month on the calendar. Being pregnant this year.. year 4... knowing that the "real" due date of the girls is October (don't worry we won't come close) makes me weary early. It is not yet August and I'm more worried about October than the arrival of the twins. How can the death of my first born supersede the birth of my third and fourth? I don't know but somehow I seem to be skipping that part and focusing on that month again. It is hard to explain the grief... almost like a slap in the face reminder that something is looming over you and yet... nothing is there except my own perception of the month I let choke me down. I think if I look to the honest place in my heart two things have me skipping forward too fast. First the possibility that something could still happen to the girls and I won't get to take them both home. Stubborn refusal of my heart won't allow my brain to give into that reality but.. its there when I look really hard. Second the fact that I'll now be the mom to three living children and perhaps when October comes I may not have time to celebrate and grieve him as I have in the past... Both equally non-rational problems... but they are what they are and I just have to deal with them one by one.
In the months before October .... I miss my son who's impossibly almost 4 in heaven.