Monday, June 24, 2013

Precious Moments

This week is significant.   We are 25 weeks.   I'm silently celebrating the fact that if born the Dr's will do all they can for the girls.   Both Bryn and Wren seem to be happy inside and have grown.   We have another Growth Scan this Friday and as always I'm a nervous wreck just thinking about it.   The possibility of delivery each week grows and yet we know we don't want to deliver them for another 10 good weeks.   I have my eyes on the September delivery prize but they may have other plans...  we only can take it week to week.

I'm happy.   Content with the idea that they will be here sooner rather than later.  Faced with NICU and all that there is and knowing that ideally we JUST NEED MORE TIME.   Time is something we can't force.. wish for and really hope for.   Each day so much more precious than the last.   It is not up to me to do anything more than love them while I have them.. eat a ton of food to keep them sustained and go to each and every appointment as optimistic as I can.

Doubts creep in when I re-live the first 2 Dr's appointments that we had back at 20 and 21 weeks.  For some reason the Dr who told us that both girls would not survive creeps into my dreams at night and steels my breath.   I often wake worried that was my last moment with them...   Forcing myself to relax back to sleep is difficult... sometimes I just have to get up and use the doppler I have at home for safe measure.

In Good moments I can feel the girls kicking some.  My placenta on top does block a lot of activity that is going on in there... but when they do kick it is pure pleasure for me.    I'm growing large enough for people to think I'm ready to deliver any day now...   They are often surprised when I tell them I still have 10 more weeks.    I like to see their faces when I do (and I don't let them in on the

Work is winding down for me - I have 3 weeks left of a project that I must finish.... then I'm hoping the Dr's will have pity on me and allow me to work from home for the remaining weeks.   Just not having to get up and get ready or drive to work helps So very much!  

Yesterday I took the kiddo out just me and him.. I am really slowing down.   My breath is shorter and shorter and I can't stand up for too long.   He misses me picking him up (so sometimes I sneak one in..)
I feel guilty here too.. He is so used to me running around with so much energy - I'm sure he feels the slow pace momma has taken.    So outings just me and him alone are likely done...  I need all the help I can get with that kid - he is super fast and needs lots to do all the time!!!

As usual with blog/family/home/career/pregnant life... I'm hungry - Time for some food.   I'll check back in soon when we hear of the growth of the girls!

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

UCSF - and the plan

My Trip to UCSF was eventful.   It started out early last Thursday morning.   I met with a team of Dr's.   They did ultrasounds, dopplers, Cardio Echo's, Placenta mapping and well.. who knows what else all in one day.   This facility IS the last stop in getting answers for high risk multiple pregnancy and one of only 2 places in the world to preform inter utero surgery.

First - Tiny baby Bryn (B) grew.   no much but at her own pace.  Baby Wren (A) also grew at her pace.
Both girls are significantly behind me.. .in growth.  I am 23 weeks.   They are 20 and 21 weeks respectively.
The growth discrepancy is significant enough to plan for an early delivery.   Aim for 32 weeks and hope that they make it to 28 or 30.  

Everything they found in all my testing indicate that the girls have Cord issues (confirmed from previous post) they have perfect hearts... nothing else wrong with them.    The lasting effects of depleted nutrients to the brain will be the only factor to contend with and premature birth.

I've experienced every emotion in the world and have resided to just stay positive until the time comes when we have to go to deliver...  then start praying they make it without long term nasty effects of being preemie.
I have a lot of pictures of the babies... but none of the two together...  hopefully as they grow we can get them to show up at the same time.

I just want to be normal...  to deliver two healthy little girls... to have a completed family and continue on with our life as we have it..  we have so much love to give and so much of it dedicated to family...  
Still hoping for September.  Realistically knowing it could be August... not wanting anyone to arrive in July!


Saturday, June 1, 2013

So Tiny

She is so Tiny that the Dr's can't believe she even grew.   Small changes in her body, Tiny... perfect.. normal just stunted.    What turns out to be a VCI not all the horrifying things previously stated I am staring at the face of inter utero surgery.

Our baby B was found to have nothing wrong with her...  nothing....   except her cord did not insert into the placenta correctly.  She is not getting the nutrients to grow.   They yet don't know if this is something she can overcome.....sustain... or will ultimately be her death.  

I am flying to San Francisco to UCSF in hopes of getting the plan of what to do for our little Bryn.
The Dr's in Arizona have no good choices and well... in hopes of saving our Baby A Wren.. we have some very difficult decisions to make.

Holding onto Hope...   Hope.... and Hope....focusing on Bryn and what we can do for her...  Holding all of the light I have in my heart to her.... we keep going.