Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Bryn and Wren

Today was my anatomy Scan.    I was hoping to get a good picture of them both together but it just didn't happen.  In fact nothing happened as I thought it would today... my world is once again turning... round and round and the clickty clack of the roller coaster ride just started its upward ascent.

Don't get me wrong...  the babies look amazing... (to me)   The anatomy scan is a scary 2 hour ultrasound where they identify possible issues in brain, kidney, heart development as well soft markers for any disorders can be detected....  most blissfully unaware mommas know this scan as the "gender" Scan.   I wish that was what I still thought.. knowing so much sometimes puts more stress on the situation than needed!.

The babies are not measuring the same... in fact there were several issues today that we were not ready to hear...  everything looked fine until the Dr. came in and told us that "Things do not look good"

Wren: Baby A currently sitting closest to the cervix... she is extremely active and kicking and squirming all over the place.  Her heart, brains, lungs, and measurements are all perfect as well good indication that the bladder and kidney are all functioning as they should at this stage.   She did have a few bright spots on her heart that could be an indication of downs syndrome...  more on that later...

Bryn: Baby B currently sitting almost on top of her sister and near my left side  She is not as active and was facing away from us a lot during the ultrasound.   She is equally beautiful but we noticed too small...  Her bladder, kidney, brain, measurements were also right on target.  She had some fluid on her heart and it was very difficult to get a good measure on her.. her HB was low too.. 

As I stated.. the Dr. came in and told us "things to not look good"   Keep in mind that during the scan I just didn't think it was that bad.   Apparently both girls have markings for Down Syndrome.   Both Girls hearts have some issues that may or may not lead to more serious complications.      The Worst part..  Baby B - our Bryn Harper has not grown in 2 weeks.   She is far far behind and her little umbilical cord is not inserted correctly to the placenta (that is shared)  She not getting what she needs to survive... so they say.

I had genetic testing done.. still don't think it is downs.. I don't feel it not that it would matter I would love them the same...  I think she has improper cord placement - and depending on what can be done for her and her growth only time will tell the outcome.   My heart is heavy but my spirit of hope and light shines on.  

I can't give up.. I can only hope louder..  I can't regress.. I can only Pray for things to change...  There is always a maybe....

4 more weeks to Viability...   come on little ladies YOU can DO this! 10 more weeks to the minimum accepted early delivery (says your father)  and 15 more weeks until you arrive!  on time and perfect!

Friday, May 10, 2013

Half Way to Home

This week marks a good point in the pregnancy.   I'm halfway!   I laugh as I am typing this because the second half will be during the summer in Arizona.  Temps have already hit 100 and I pretty much am going to be huge..  I love it.  I'm glad for it and I hope that I can keep working just the way I have been for the first half.   All of my appointments have been incredible and my health and the girls health is perfect.    I feel blessed and happy that I've been so good this time around with only 3 full on panic attacks so far (with JJ it was daily)

The stats:
Baby A - Is measuring just slightly bigger than her sister - she is on my left side and likes to lay sideways.
She is a mover and very active...   She is perfectly on target at this stage.
Baby B - Is measuring just behind (by a day) but her heart rate and all that she is is beautiful.   She is up and down and is on my right side feet down head up :)  She doesn't move as much and reminds me of JJ as that is the way he was the whole pregnancy...

Both girls continue to have good fluid inside and that is significant for TTTS - So far no signs of this happening and I could not be happier with the way things are going   My blood pressure has stayed down this time and my cervix is closed closed and long.. (don't move please don't move too early)

half way to home - Keep on praying that they make here safe..  Counting down the weeks to Viability!  6 to go!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

first purchase

I made the first purchase for the girls...  they are custom onesizes with our little ladies names on them.   They are pink with purple writing and I am so in love.   Most mothers during this nesting time plan all sorts of gifts and nursery items... themes, colors, cribs, bedding, paint, clothes etc.....not me.  it took all my resolve to just push enter to purchase the outfits.   Doubt and grief still creep in when preparing for our newest arrivals.    I don't have another Dr. appointment for a week and I have not yet been able to feel these two wiggle inside me...   Just the usual pregnancy fears?  not sure because I know nothing else.  

JJ is the best blessing I have.  I'm so busy with him at night that I often forget my fears of the twins and just enjoy the sounds of giggles and bedtime stories all over the house.     He is so stinking smart.  I am not just saying that.  He is just over 2 years old and talks in complete sentences.   He is basically potty training himself (for marshmallows) and just a delight.   Recently he has taken to "baseball" to my husbands sheer delight.   Every night he marches around and pronounces that he wants to watch the Diamondbacks (our local team)  He studies the moves and cocks his little leg up before throwing the ball at the same time as the pitcher... then focuses his attention to his t-ball set and hits when the batters go...  I have this on video it is absolutely hysterical.   I can see my husband beaming with pride as he is just a baseball fanatic!

This is still my place to write my thoughts and hopes and fears... and often a place just by opening the page I think of Joseph.    Sweet Joseph.   He will be turning 4 in heaven when the girls arrive.   I'm due s close to his birthday that this pregnancy reminds me of him.   I also had to go through the summer and we had a good pregnancy w/o any complications until the last day of it with him.... I just wonder would he like t-ball as much as JJ?  Would he want to share a room with his brother because they were so close in age?   so many what if's that will never be and I just have to settle for this space where I can come to remember him and his life where he was loved for each and every second of it.