Friday, March 22, 2013

Nearing 12

I am nearly 12 weeks along now.   Reflecting on another time when I was already bursting with pride about a pregnancy.   As all BLM's know..  once you have loss you are never "expecting" or "having a baby"you are "pregnant".   I'm so very hopeful and so very blessed that so far so good on these two beauties but lingering in the back of my heart is the what if and when scenario.   I hate to say stuff like that but I can't help the fact that it creeps in... Grief like a thief took my innocence.    So much can happen in 28 more weeks and nothing I can do will change the outcome (well ok so a lot is up to me but you know even the best laid plans) .

Forever an optimist I force, crunch, grit, squirm and pinch these feelings into the back of my mind.  If I had a way to get rid of them completely I'd dot it..  When a dark thought creeps... I close my eyes tight and picture Jonathan and my husband... I immediately come up with something funny... anything I can think of that made me laugh recently.   That helps.

I got released from Pelvic rest (ohh la la)  and I am now able to either swim or do yoga as long as I have no impact and keep my heart rate relatively down.   A far cry from my combat / step days but hey I'll TAKE that over not being able to do anything.... 

I ordered 2 DVD's and a new speedo maternity to try on - Just need a little sun on my legs so I don't make the pool glow and I'm ready!  Move over Kathy Austin mommas got some yoga to do!   My plan is to do yoga 2 days a week and swim 2 days a week.   I figure 4 hours vs 7 or 8 is a good compromise.  Least that is what I tell my Dr.     I'm hoping that this positive push will also help me with the mind games I play with myself over protecting my heart and letting it love these lives as if they are already here.   Honestly Exercise always does that for me....

Baby A:  Is sitting on my left side and is straight up and down dancing... this baby had the hiccups when we saw him/her in there!
Baby B: is on my right and is completely horizontal.  His/her little head is butting into baby A's shin bones
Both babies have 5 fingers and toes and you can already see the eyes nose and mouth on screen. 

Loving life - checking in and Counting down to the Big NT Scan coming next week!  


Friday, March 15, 2013

Guess Who's 2?

JJ!!!  Two years ago today you decided to join us early.  I believe it was sweet baby Joe hand delivering you from heaven as safe as he could.   The moment you cried my life began again.    Life.....beautiful and sweet.    Jonathan is funny, kind, determined little thinker.   He decides what he is going to do before jumping right in but always does it with first time perfection as he studies it all before beginning.   He loves to swim and do jumping jacks.   He sings his ABC's and twinkle twinkle little star.  He counts to ten in English and Spanish.   I think being born the way and the day he did he was born knowing.   Knowing about life, love and what this world would bring him.  He is such a expressive joy in our lives.   My husband and I although exhausted are so in love.   Our neglected backyard understands he comes first and that we don't mind a mess as long as we are having fun.  He is going to be such a helpful big brother!

Happy Birthday JJ, J-bird, little dude, chicken wing, J, Jonathan Cooper Jean

Friday, March 8, 2013

9 Weeks

Thought I be showing by now with twins.. I feel full and happy but not showing.  The Jean beans are doing fine at 9 weeks.  They are growing and hearts are beating beautifully.   I feel lucky to be able to see them so frequently and to have the gentle loving care of a new OB but one who wants to see me as often as I feel I need to be seen. That in itself is so refreshing to not have to beg to come in when I feel worried or scared.  He seems to understand the need after loss just to check to make sure all is as it should be.   I still am in shock that we are having twins.   I don't think it has really registered that two will be coming home with us in September.   JJ has officially lost the "big" room we were going to move him into as that will now become the nursery.  We will still of course have to redo his room to make it more big boy.   It is exciting to feel these things and to be making these types of decisions.  I know there is no guarantee and we have a very long way to go.   For now though dreaming and hoping and planning does ease the tension that is inside.   The worry there for life to be, huge.  One day at a time and one week at a time.  9 down 28 to go.  Come on bean jeans!  You are so wanted and so loved already. 

Friday, March 1, 2013

My Birthday

I turned 38.   Seems like I should be 28 or 30 and then at the same time it feels like I should be 58 with the lives that I have led.   So many mixed emotions.  I'm pregnant with twins... I have a 2 year old at home (almost) a wonderful loving and kind Husband to share it all with.   I am blessed beyond measure.   Some may look and still think how sad things are without our Joseph here but I know that sad days happen or moments but I am not sad.   I have so much love in my life.    I'm only 8 weeks along on this Journey.  I'm aiming for 37 though with twins likely it will be sooner.   They have 2 sacs but share a placenta.. ..  Placenta abruption is what took our sweet baby Joe so there is that to contend with.. All in good time for now just to know that they are in there.  Happy 38th to me with all that life has given and taken I am so excited and proud to be where I am today.   With all the hope I can have for the future it is there.   Be calm, Be happy and everything will be alright.