Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Beat #4

Certainly no-one should be subject to this type of cruelty of time/hope and wait and see.   I went in today for my 4th Beta.   We don't know more today than we did on Monday - Good news is I am still pregnant!   Alas at this 4th test I went in negative.  Yes negative.  I know I'm not normally so that is quite shocking to some.   I feel nothing.. I expect nothing.   Perhaps this is my only way to protect my heart...   Wishes of normal just can't be found when it comes to this...  so facts and hope are all that can be clung too.
# 149
# 225
# 409
# 720

Lots of people I have in my friendship/BLM/fertility circle have been putting the positive vibes out there for me.   That is all I can use as explanation for little bean jean to have finally made it past the 66% mark.  it was not me.. this time. it was you guys...  so thank you.  I needed that obviously.   Again not usually such a downer or a negative person but for some reason I was not convinced that this was viable.   not even close.    I'm keeping a journal of this current life chance as well to document in honesty.. the good.. the bad.. and the ugly.

Perhaps there is a tiny glimmer of hope that this life will live and the steady beat of the heart can be heard by next week sometime.    Come on team Jean.   Come on bean Jean.

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