Tuesday, January 22, 2013

More than 3 years later...

I have not blogged in over a year..  Our beautiful son Joseph died over three years ago.   Our rainbow Jonathan now almost two years old.   Where have I been?  What have I been doing?  I am dipping my toe back into the blog..    I spent the better part of this month reading up on all the BLM family I  leaned on over the years yet drifted away from.... I read on about how they are and what they are doing now.   Most, like me are doing well with our new normal.  One thing I know has not changed is our loss.   Some have written books, others collections of art to give... more have gone on to being mothers again to living children.   I found a strong determination and more a reflecting on how to cope.   I am proud of these women, these warriors of hope.  Even if on paper they are my Friends and I've missed them.

So as I stated.. not sure if this is where I'll stay and blog but for now it is where I am going to start again.  2013 with a new light shining down inside me.    Too soon to know if this round of Frozen Embryo Transfer will take... close enough to know I'm ready to talk about it again.    In October of 2012 we began to see our dear friend Dr. Z.  I say dear friend as that is what he has really grown to be.  We have been with him for 6 years... 2 Fresh and 5 frozen cycles... countless walks of hope and many email and calls to our local state senator's to stop the obnoxious laws they try to pass here in Arizona.   A true champion for our "RESOLVE" to complete our little family, Dr. Z continues to be our guy.    We completed 1 embryo transfer late November 2012 that did not result in a pregnancy.   Not discouraged or even disheartened we began to try again as soon as possible... December came and went in a flurry of family and gift wrap.   I loved all of the holiday's this year.  So much for all of us.. so warm so FUN and Jonathan really getting us all into the spirit again.

January started our second serious attempt at a third child.   Our transfer just yesterday 1/21.  Why now do I blog?  what do I hope to get out of all of this?   I just don't know but...  I can't help but be positive and know that this will be our next child.  That this FET worked and I'll be pregnant again.

....  calculated the due date if success is as I suspect it will be...............   October 14th.   Just one day before our Joseph was born and one day away from his fourth birthday in heaven.    Thankfully I would never go all the way to a real due date given my history and all the complications I had with both boys.   Likely delivery will be the last week in September.    I think I'll be ok.     
Blog needed even if just to say stuff like that... to think it.... What if I went full term..  odd that I'd speculate this early in the process.   I'm too old and wise for all of that nonsense but yet... I did look and I do know and it really makes me wonder.  Floods of feelings come back to me.    This far away from his day and yet I've already got it on my mind.

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