Monday, January 28, 2013

Mind Games

Here I am 2 days away from my first Beta after completing my 6th round of some type of fertility treatment... and it feels so difficult to wait yet again for hope.... Yes 6th Here are the life stats. IVF 1 - BFN FET 1 - BFP - Joseph (now in heaven) FET 2 - BFN IVF 2 - BFP - Jonathan FET 3 - BFN FET 4 - in progress ( but if I follow the pattern should be BFP correct?!) We have 9 Embryo that are frozen at day Zero.. Yes back in 2007 (old technology) they did not wait for the embryo to grow all the way before freezing them.. so we have no idea what they are or even if they are anything... we know they fertilized but that is all. With this type of Frozen Embryo left .. they will thaw all 9 at once.. and grow (we hope) 5 days.. to see what there is or if any can be transferred. To think I was 32 back then. WOW. Lets just hope I don't have to go into that stock. We also have 1 blastocyst vertified at Day 6 and perfect as we know it. I can't believe my mind will let me do this before the beta but.. well that is the crazy mind of a woman who has loss and battles with fertility to boot. It just works in mysterious ways that make absolutely no sense to anyone by myself.. So, having said that IF this current hope does not take likely the next move will be for first.. wait a few months to correct the body, cleanse and then save money. Much needed to try a 7th treatment. It will be our last. The clinic will thaw all 9 as stated above... then keep the 1 perfect day 6er for a "just in case" hail Mary is needed for a possible embryo to be transferred. We will essentially be putting in our last chance at another child. So - why would my mind let me go there now? two days before beta even happens? I don't know, I just don't know. I think I protect my heart by thinking about the worse so that I can be ready for the next... but then I "know" that I need to be thinking the best for it to work. In the very last minute I just thought the following. I feel pregnant I feel nothing I can do this I need to try to POS What if it does not work I may not have worked Stop thinking about it not working.. and know that it did. See - Mind Games - With two days left to go.. it is a wonder anyone talks to me.

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