Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Results are in.....

Today was my beta day.  I went in at 7:30 for my blood draw and drove home to wait.    The waiting.  The hurry up and wait.   Every second that passes is like an eternity.    The Dr called and  BFP!!!!!!!!

yes did you see that - there is life in there folks!  Baby Jean 2013!!!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Mind Games

Here I am 2 days away from my first Beta after completing my 6th round of some type of fertility treatment... and it feels so difficult to wait yet again for hope.... Yes 6th Here are the life stats. IVF 1 - BFN FET 1 - BFP - Joseph (now in heaven) FET 2 - BFN IVF 2 - BFP - Jonathan FET 3 - BFN FET 4 - in progress ( but if I follow the pattern should be BFP correct?!) We have 9 Embryo that are frozen at day Zero.. Yes back in 2007 (old technology) they did not wait for the embryo to grow all the way before freezing them.. so we have no idea what they are or even if they are anything... we know they fertilized but that is all. With this type of Frozen Embryo left .. they will thaw all 9 at once.. and grow (we hope) 5 days.. to see what there is or if any can be transferred. To think I was 32 back then. WOW. Lets just hope I don't have to go into that stock. We also have 1 blastocyst vertified at Day 6 and perfect as we know it. I can't believe my mind will let me do this before the beta but.. well that is the crazy mind of a woman who has loss and battles with fertility to boot. It just works in mysterious ways that make absolutely no sense to anyone by myself.. So, having said that IF this current hope does not take likely the next move will be for first.. wait a few months to correct the body, cleanse and then save money. Much needed to try a 7th treatment. It will be our last. The clinic will thaw all 9 as stated above... then keep the 1 perfect day 6er for a "just in case" hail Mary is needed for a possible embryo to be transferred. We will essentially be putting in our last chance at another child. So - why would my mind let me go there now? two days before beta even happens? I don't know, I just don't know. I think I protect my heart by thinking about the worse so that I can be ready for the next... but then I "know" that I need to be thinking the best for it to work. In the very last minute I just thought the following. I feel pregnant I feel nothing I can do this I need to try to POS What if it does not work I may not have worked Stop thinking about it not working.. and know that it did. See - Mind Games - With two days left to go.. it is a wonder anyone talks to me.

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Adding to our family was an easy decision. Making it happen again we are in the middle of it. Despite all that we have endured mentally and financially it seems nothing else really matters. Our family is not yet complete as we have too many who are waiting. I've never thought of myself as a religious person but when it comes to these embryo I feel they are mine. Already my children even if not developed.. even if not inside me. The drive to ensure that they have at least all had a chance at life and the amount of love I have for them immense. Of course I'm not octomom so clearly I'm not putting them all in! Just what is right for my body and what I can handle. Our Recent Hope.. Two 5 day blastocycsts transferred. Beautiful and perfect. Two chances at life and possibly a pregnancy. I feel so calm this time around regarding birth and children. I know I will be pregnant again.. not sure when.. I hope now. I'm too stubborn to ever give up. If this chance does not work we will have 1 maybe 2 more opportunity to attempt. So I'm putting all my hope into the two beauties you see above. My wish is that one successful embryo takes and begins a 9 month journey into our life. I also hope that this pregnancy gives me back that love of being pregnant without fear and without doubt (not that it is 100 possible) but I want to love these 9 months again. So much more love to give another child. This is my hope. This is my hope and this is hope. Come on Babies.. Come on. Stick.. keep.. Grow.. survive and thrive!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

More than 3 years later...

I have not blogged in over a year..  Our beautiful son Joseph died over three years ago.   Our rainbow Jonathan now almost two years old.   Where have I been?  What have I been doing?  I am dipping my toe back into the blog..    I spent the better part of this month reading up on all the BLM family I  leaned on over the years yet drifted away from.... I read on about how they are and what they are doing now.   Most, like me are doing well with our new normal.  One thing I know has not changed is our loss.   Some have written books, others collections of art to give... more have gone on to being mothers again to living children.   I found a strong determination and more a reflecting on how to cope.   I am proud of these women, these warriors of hope.  Even if on paper they are my Friends and I've missed them.

So as I stated.. not sure if this is where I'll stay and blog but for now it is where I am going to start again.  2013 with a new light shining down inside me.    Too soon to know if this round of Frozen Embryo Transfer will take... close enough to know I'm ready to talk about it again.    In October of 2012 we began to see our dear friend Dr. Z.  I say dear friend as that is what he has really grown to be.  We have been with him for 6 years... 2 Fresh and 5 frozen cycles... countless walks of hope and many email and calls to our local state senator's to stop the obnoxious laws they try to pass here in Arizona.   A true champion for our "RESOLVE" to complete our little family, Dr. Z continues to be our guy.    We completed 1 embryo transfer late November 2012 that did not result in a pregnancy.   Not discouraged or even disheartened we began to try again as soon as possible... December came and went in a flurry of family and gift wrap.   I loved all of the holiday's this year.  So much for all of us.. so warm so FUN and Jonathan really getting us all into the spirit again.

January started our second serious attempt at a third child.   Our transfer just yesterday 1/21.  Why now do I blog?  what do I hope to get out of all of this?   I just don't know but...  I can't help but be positive and know that this will be our next child.  That this FET worked and I'll be pregnant again.

....  calculated the due date if success is as I suspect it will be...............   October 14th.   Just one day before our Joseph was born and one day away from his fourth birthday in heaven.    Thankfully I would never go all the way to a real due date given my history and all the complications I had with both boys.   Likely delivery will be the last week in September.    I think I'll be ok.     
Blog needed even if just to say stuff like that... to think it.... What if I went full term..  odd that I'd speculate this early in the process.   I'm too old and wise for all of that nonsense but yet... I did look and I do know and it really makes me wonder.  Floods of feelings come back to me.    This far away from his day and yet I've already got it on my mind.