Thursday, January 26, 2012


Why in the night do I feel so restless. Dreams of you silent of late. Thoughts of you vivid and strong. The smell scents the sheets and I feel you in my arms, heavy and whole. Tears stain my pillow upon awareness that I felt you but could not see you sweet little man. As I try to fall into a dream again with hopes of a whispered, I love you or vision of dark hair and big smiles another tear spills as I notice I missed the window again.
Upon reflection I think you were there... snuggled in close for a while working your magic. I only wish tangible the moment.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you more than every breath I have. I would give mine for you if possible. thinking of all that you are in heaven and loving you tender and soft. deep in my heart son.. deep in my heart. Love, mom

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


I had my corporate picture taken... Here it is. Wow has time changed me. This is the first professional picture of me in almost 3 years. I am a lot closer to 40 than I expected. (HA HA) I guess I still feel so young inside that it surprised me a bit to see that I'm older. What is more surprising is that I can see the grief still on my face. I see Joseph in my eyes and around my smile. I see the hidden element of what grief does to you emotionally. Yes I am smiling.. I love to smile.. life is still good but I am so different that I expected. Time heals.. life changes... we move forward with our children in our hearts.. Seeing this, I know what it looks like to lose a child.. I'm sure now when I look at others I will be more knowing too. Can't hid from loss even if you have it all figured out.. it is always with us.

Joseph can you hear mommy? As our worlds still collide I see you.. I see that I carry you everywhere and not just in my heart. You are written all over my face.. I love you sweet son! mom.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Kick Butt 2012

Hello 2012.. This year we plan to kick your butt.. Jonathan will walk.. eat well.. grow and turn 1. Momma will keep teaching at the gym and change jobs at Honeywell. Dada will get in shape and be strong for us.. We WILL go back to IVF this year and it WILL work the first time round...

Get out of our WAY.. KIA! and Karate Chop you!

Joseph can you hear mommy? Tell God we have big plans for this year and to move over ... the Jean team is in charge this year! and oh yeah.. we love you more today and it is stronger each second. mom.