Wednesday, April 18, 2012

When I take to long to blink

That is when I know that I've been day dreaming of Joseph. I am really happy and enjoying every single moment of my life.. and then I forget to blink again and remember that there is a WHOLE person missing and that part of me is still vacant. It happens all the time... the blank stare into space when I capture a certain smell or feeling in the air. It happens during conversations with just about everyone. I have found a way to work around these brief moments of relapse into grief... When I look into Jonathan's eyes and see the "knowing" that he has a brother in heaven...
Just saying it still happens daily.

Joesph can you hear mommy? I miss you my son.. deep in my heart I love you. mom.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Butterfly Garden

There is a space.. near your space and it is called the butterfly garden. We didn't put you there as it just didn't seem the right choice... Somehow I feel you visiting all the other babies when I go.. First I spend my time next to you feeling your tiny foot.. then I reach inward and wait for the next beat of my heart so I can feel your sweet hug. When I stand up and view over the flower dotted lawns and past the benches and tress... I see them... The other babies.. I feel them and the loss of them as I did for you but, not like you. Somehow the loss of those other babies is more sad. I think that is because I am knowing and guiding others in this journey. As if I need to be there to touch each one and make sure each have a new flower, bow or car... I walk to the butterfly garden... with you in my heart and I weep for them... Do you help the new ones in heaven? Do you see them before they get there? Hold their hand Joseph..I'll hold their mommies from here. I love you so much my big, almost three year old little man.

I have never been more proud. Mom.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

One but More...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Jonathan Cooper Jean 03-15... One Year;
Little Dude, JJ, Stinky, The Kid, Jon Jon, Super wonder!

He is smart and funny, loving and very Aware... He healed us.. and changed us and has continued to surprise us with his talents.

Jonathan knew his big brother while in heaven.. and clearly has a strong brotherly bond. He brought a part of heaven down to earth when he came. Our Family Unit Strong.. Remembered.. together...

With so much love in my heart.. and so many thanks to this community.. without your love and support I'm still not sure I'd be where I am. Knowing.. Loving.. remembering.. caring.. hoping.. and forever changed mother of 2.. Time heals...In one year.. I am a mother in heaven and on earth. My roles very different for the boys.. but yet the same.. My eyes open to this world and beyond. My heart broken and mended... different, better..When I look up... well you get the picture.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Warm Hugs

Warm hugs from heaven shine down on Jonathan from Joseph and make the world seem right and wonderful. Finally a family picture and a true gift.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Beautiful my son you are in every way. Love mom

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Virus strikes

I Loathe taking JJ to daycare. we have a virus now.. fever of 103 and can't keep anything even pedialite down.. Poor guy. No relief for him and this is day 4.. going on 5. We return to the Dr tomorrow hopeful for an IV. I know who hopes for one of those.. me... who knows that it has to be better for him than all this needless throw up and heartache.

He is too cute for this.. (I know I know we all say that)

On a good note.. we are 4 weeks away from his First birthday - Happy 11 month old. JJ is 20 lbs.. 31 inches and walking like a champ.. He says Hey Dad.. Dadda.. something like thank you. He knows sign language like.. all done.. more and eat. Everyday we love him more as we watch this kid learn and explore..he is our happy.. our love. our light and our connection to Joseph in heaven. We love our life still, always and more.

Joseph can you hear momma? I know you can as you continue to share your gifts with us.. Thankyou for my sunrise in Florida on my way home.. I felt you deep in my heart.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


Why in the night do I feel so restless. Dreams of you silent of late. Thoughts of you vivid and strong. The smell scents the sheets and I feel you in my arms, heavy and whole. Tears stain my pillow upon awareness that I felt you but could not see you sweet little man. As I try to fall into a dream again with hopes of a whispered, I love you or vision of dark hair and big smiles another tear spills as I notice I missed the window again.
Upon reflection I think you were there... snuggled in close for a while working your magic. I only wish tangible the moment.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you more than every breath I have. I would give mine for you if possible. thinking of all that you are in heaven and loving you tender and soft. deep in my heart son.. deep in my heart. Love, mom

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


I had my corporate picture taken... Here it is. Wow has time changed me. This is the first professional picture of me in almost 3 years. I am a lot closer to 40 than I expected. (HA HA) I guess I still feel so young inside that it surprised me a bit to see that I'm older. What is more surprising is that I can see the grief still on my face. I see Joseph in my eyes and around my smile. I see the hidden element of what grief does to you emotionally. Yes I am smiling.. I love to smile.. life is still good but I am so different that I expected. Time heals.. life changes... we move forward with our children in our hearts.. Seeing this, I know what it looks like to lose a child.. I'm sure now when I look at others I will be more knowing too. Can't hid from loss even if you have it all figured out.. it is always with us.

Joseph can you hear mommy? As our worlds still collide I see you.. I see that I carry you everywhere and not just in my heart. You are written all over my face.. I love you sweet son! mom.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Kick Butt 2012

Hello 2012.. This year we plan to kick your butt.. Jonathan will walk.. eat well.. grow and turn 1. Momma will keep teaching at the gym and change jobs at Honeywell. Dada will get in shape and be strong for us.. We WILL go back to IVF this year and it WILL work the first time round...

Get out of our WAY.. KIA! and Karate Chop you!

Joseph can you hear mommy? Tell God we have big plans for this year and to move over ... the Jean team is in charge this year! and oh yeah.. we love you more today and it is stronger each second. mom.