Friday, February 25, 2011

I'm okay mom

Rain fell across Arizona for a few days and cleared more than just the dust from the rooftop. I cleanse was filtered across my mind. Spending days in a chair or bed have not been kind to my worry. I let it wonder to far from reality. Truth is I find power in the rain. Knowing that I reeled it back in.. my worry that is.. Joseph continues to show me the way to Jonathan and he helps is little brother with all his might. Once I stopped thinking about the what if.. and when.. Little reminders of him imprint back into my heart and sight. With each kick I feel stronger as if they are somehow both in there.. telling me mom.. we are both okay.. we are both.. OK. Today I got a strong reminder..We are all going to be okay, Johnathan and Joseph included.. Below is a picture of our sweet Rainbow hope ever present after the rain.. The rainbow shines. Look at his hand.. He is making the OK sign..with it. So cute.. So needed .. so loved.. Perfect. I have 21 days to go and finally feel like nothing can stop us now.

Jonathan Cooper - I'm OKAY


Joseph and Jonathan... I don't even have to ask... and YES this time I know you hear me and you are listening.. Our family stronger than any other forever together... love mom

Friday, February 18, 2011

The 10

So for a long while I have not discussed the issues going on with our precious little rainbow.. He continues to grow and stay inside just enough that the Dr's let me stay at home on bed rest but... not doing good enough for him not to get checked 2x a week.. His kidney (the right one) has been misbehaving.. and has grown to a 10 or really a 1.0 but whatever they call it the 10. Ten means.. that things are not getting better.. they have gotten a little worse.. He has been measuring between 7-8 and then 9 last week.. today 10.. Still the Dr's will not do anything now but wait. If they get any worse we will deliver even earlier. I know we are looking at some time in the NICU with this little one and It breaks my heart.. I'm preparing.. but the 10 is not something I wanted to see.. Kind of made his issue real.. This whole time I thought well it could just fix itself. The reality is hard. He also has these little bouts of sleep (when they try to do the NST of course) His little heart just beats and beats but does not accelerate good for them nor does he move. Today we spent an hour on the monitor trying to get him to go.. we buzzed him with the stimulator and nothing.... finally I ate some sugar and he moved a bit... JUST enough to allow us to come home and not go to the hospital... There is no comfort to me in that.. Not that I want to go to the hospital but letting me leave after all the time of worry and the news of the kidney.. just... makes me stand on high alert. I am letting go of the worry but you know.. I can smile with tears streaming. I am never going to say why me.. It is not in my nature to give into the fears.. It's just one of those days.. where you want to say COME ON - Enough already.. let there be peace.

I will follow with the wonderful news of 4 plus lbs.. he is growing right on track and has all the right stuff to make it... 28 days to go. We can do it together.. But I need everyone.. I just do.

Joseph can you hear mommy? sweet angel of mine.. I love you and I Miss you.. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Hang tight.. it won't be long now.. we love you so so very much. mommy.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Rambles..

I have a friend.. only I don't know her name.. we meet 2x a week in the High risk doctors office.. it is strange.. she has told me her name but I always forget.. and what is even stranger? She and I were in the hospital together a month ago talking about how we were due on the same day... She is having twins, Via IVF and we have the same RE... I know seems odd that someone like me who ALWAYS "knows" a name could possibly just forget here.. I am so focused on her twins and her ever growing belly and now well, too much time has passed for me to ask again. Perhaps I'll just have her spell her name so I can find her on FB.. Anyway, I saw my "friend" again today and she is doing fine... Her Twins are fine and her problems have gone away except she is still on bed rest too.. I'm happy when I see her.. we talk about our Dr.. now about our High Risk team.. the hospital staff where we will both deliver.. our babies and it is just nice.. nice to have someone who is exactly where I am except for ONE big thing.. She has never had a loss.. and I just can't bring myself to terrify anyone who is already scared to death and in a dr office. So I just don't say anything.. She'll be alright.. we will be alright.. I'll be alright - Somehow.

I said it would be a ramble post and it is.. I've discussed before how I see someone to talk about my grief and help get me through this pregnancy.. someone who understands when I have a night terror and sudden feelings of loss that don't exist.. Oh yeah and now phantom pains of the c-section I had over 16 months ago can seem so real when you are in the thick of it.. Anyway - my therapist thinks I may need medication.. I'm slipping into a hole of panic (at night) and that may be the answer? I refuse Tylenol so I don't think I can do it.. and yet - if it will help me get the last 33 days done w/o so much wonder in my mind.. I think maybe..

Anyway - I'm holding tough.. Bed rest is no fun.. we owe in taxes and I had to watch the tax prepare guy erase Josephs name from our family.. (heart sank deep sigh) I knew it was coming but still.. ugggg. All in All I've got it better than most waiting on my rainbow to come in ..

Joseph can you hear mommy? LOVE.. and you are my family my heart my always - forever my son and my child - mom

Jonathan are you listening? Hang in there baby I love you.. keep growing and kicking and wiggling and holding on.. you are doing so good - I promise I am a fun mom.. despite a few of the crazy attacks I've had lately - Love forever mommy.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Plan

I know that even the best plans change... but I am really hoping that this one does not. We left our Dr. apt on Friday with a game plan for little Jonathan. If everything continues to go as it is now.. I will go to the Hospital on March 17th for an Amnio... if his lungs are ready.. we will DELIVER on March 18th!!! I am so excited as that date will get us to 36 weeks and it the ultimate goal for me. There is no chance of V-back because of my "window". There is no hope of labor as they do not want anything to contract or pressure my placenta.. It will just be.. Amnio and delivery!! There is no question about If or when and that is good.. I am elated.. and terrified. As many of you know there are no guarantees but... I am very happy we have a plan. There is comfort in "knowing" a date... a goal.. something to strive for and forge yourself toward. I've created an "Advent" calendar of sorts to help me visualise the progress.. Everyday is a good day..he is growing with me. Our parents have been called. Arrangements are being made for the big day.. This makes me SMILE.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hold your brothers hand and help him hang tight.. you are helping us so much sweet little one and yes I received your penny.. Funny that you put it in the sink.. Love mom.

Jonathan are you listening? Jonathan Jean... Jonathan Jean.. prettiest baby I've ever seen... Keep up those kicks.. I love seeing your sweet face inside.. I can only imagine what it will be like to feel you on the outside.. Love mommy

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Over a year ago..

I read this and then added to it over a year ago... Really hits home now.. Even in darker times I knew what was needed in order to move forward with him in my heart... Taken in part from a poem by Daniel Ladinsky and ... part by me, his mom.

Joseph Henry Jean... Yours was the heart I could have cared most for in this world and yours was the heart that I hoped would always so care for me. For caring, I have learned, is a great gift. My precious, beautiful boy, how briefly we were close, and how sad I still become; a blessed sadness though it seems this love, this love.... but how soft it makes my sounds toward others, and that is good. I should think now of what you would want from me if I could watch you grow... it is happiness isn't it? Yes It is joy in my eyes for you and this world too. I will try... I will try for you. And thank you, dear baby Joe, thank you from the deepest parts of me for the wonderful moments, the extraordinary time, yes time, yes time we had.. You are our family, our grandson, our cousin, our nephew, our baby, our son. Yours was the heart and we will love you forever.

mom

Jonathan are you listening? yes baby I will try and I will try and I will never give up hope and love... mommy