Friday, October 28, 2011

Doggie = not the dada

so for some time now little JJ has been talking up a storm. He talks to himself all the time in his crib and I often feel like he and his big brother are swapping stories of what life is like in heaven and on earth. Big J is teaching Little JJ how to communicate with me and be funny/silly so that I understand the difference between the two and how they work together to tag team me... I love the sparkle it gives me and feeling of awe when I notice that what I'm hearing is a practical joke from Joseph... delivered to his brother directly from heaven...

This is what I mean... JJ is very sweet very loving little boy who is serious and thoughtful like his dad. Joseph in my mind was a little "gus" bully that would steal your milk money at lunch and then be a class clown, like his momma. So Jonathan started talking a lot.. Dad... dadda.. daddee.. Being the mom I am still pushing hard for the momma daily.. telling him mom..mommie.. mommmmm so he can learn..

Yesterday JJ being held in my arms.. Reaches in so loving holds my cheeks in his two little hands.. leans in.. open mouth kisses me with slime and drool.. Pulls back Fast, Laughs and looks deep into my eyes... and says "Dogie" and then gives me a hug.

man being the "not the dada is hard" being the dogie? Oh well thanks Joseph for the jokes on mom.. telling the brother what to do and say to make me feel you..

God I love my boys... Man I love this life... Amazing

Friday, October 14, 2011

2 Years.. and a whole lot of love

2 years turns fast, quicker than tomorrow.
Love always lasts, and so does the sorrow.
Hand in hand they come, Love and despair.
They walk with one another, as a perfect pair.

Love brings warmth, confidence and cheer.
Despair cast doubt, pain and fear.
Without despair, love has no feeling.
Without Love, despair has no meaning.

neither of the pair, know about the concept of time.
Both know the good of innocence and the evil of crime.

Love sits high above the curtains, on top the valance.
Despair crawls on the floor, sits low, and keeps balance.
Without love, despair sits alone, in a two person booth.
Without despair, love is empty, and lacks real truth.

In that balance, between extreme pain and the perfect love.
In that challenge, of not drowning, keep a head above.

THIS is the space where someone can live forever.
Chaotic, yet lovely, it is what the universe really tells
about despair, perfect love and the balance felt...
To parent a child in heaven.

Joseph Henry Jean, I know you hear me sweet little one, my own. I miss you and love with all my heart. 2 years and still more for you and from you each day. I miss you, Mom.

Monday, October 10, 2011

14 and 8

14 years ago.. we decided to commit our lives together. Like most of you who read here.. for better or for worse. You already know what the worse is...

8 years ago we had a party.. A celebration of our love and married. We bonded our lives fully in the circle of life.

2 years ago this Friday we had our first born after many years of trying and hoping...
7 months ago we celebrated his brothers birth... our second child our rainbow.

There have not been a lot of "easy" days in these past 2 years... but I can tell you that united we stand for that better good of holding on.. Nobody can break our bond... not even death.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Yes.. that is you in there... with our love! We will celebrate your birthday with the Arizona walk to remember this year. All of our friends will be there along with your momalene, auntie Jill and of course mommy and daddy.. we love you sweet son. You amaze us.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hello God? It's me Grief again

I've been running at a pace that is too hard to keep. I've been making excuses as to why I don't have time to stop and think about Josephs 2nd birthday and the fact that he is in heaven. I stopped caring about the process of grieving for my son so that I could focus on JJ, my husband, my job, the dogs and frankly anything else that could distract me..

Yesterday Grief caught me again. It choaked me down and sucked out the wind in my sail. Held in terror that I was missing him so deaply I wept... at a stop light. Why does it always hit you in the car? How could I ignore the pain and burning in my heart of missing him for so long. Bleary eyed drove on...


deep breaths... deep breaths... it will all be ok. I need to honor my grief again.. talk about it.. and him. Bring back the good work I'd done getting to where I am... staying true to the feelings and love for my baby. I can feel the shine on the way as I yet again turn to the next chapter.... of all of our lives...

Joseph can you hear mommy? I am reminded of you in my heart everyday... as it beats with its love for you always. I miss you sweet child. I am still reaching heaven from earth with my focus. Love always, mom.