Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Time slips by.... so slowly, so fast

I can't believe Joseph's Second Birthday in Heaven is near. I celebrate Joseph on his actual birthday.. not the day he passed away... So October 15th is coming again as I know it will for years to come... and the time has pass so slowly. I find myself saying that I can't believe it has been two years and yet two years have flown by so fast. My neighbor across the street from me named Sofie may sum this up the best. Her daughter died at the age of 2 48 years ago. On her daughters birthday each year she told me that she looks in the mirror and See's herself now a great grandmother and a new mother holding her 2 year old daughter in her arms. She can see the lines on her face as the passage of time, real time has gone by.. but the reflection shines inward and instead of the place she is in real life.. she is standing beside her true self.. the one with the baby in her arms again. I imagine this feeling is so true for us all. Time has not been kind to those mothers who did not have BLM's to blog with or friends to have birthday party's for and Walks to remember their babies.. but - Kind to us all in a new way that time can pass so slow in our hearts and fast as the days and months flash in front of us.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you sweet baby Joe.. my heart fills with your light each day as I reach heaven in my dreams and kiss your sweet face goodmorning. May my love for you stay slow... so you savor each moment until I see you again sweet boy... mommy.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Hospital Suck

It takes your breath away.. it knocks you down to your knees again... No oxygen can fill your lungs when you have to go to the hospital with your child. I have been there already.. I have been there too much.. I have seen so much suffering. I can't do it again.. and yet there I was pushing the tube down JJ's nose. I saw myself standing next to the crib... Sick with hospital worry. He is fine now and home again but this time with an NG tube. He does not care about it - he is just fine. All the tests run negative. He just lost weight.. and then did it again the next week. So here we are, almost 6 months old. finally back to 14lbs. Hospitals suck the life out of you... and leave you crusty, broken, tired, and weary. Grow my little man.. grow.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I smelled you there.. felt the pressure and willing of your body for your brother.. Oh how I miss you sweet baby... If only... if only...