Saturday, July 9, 2011

Heat Grief


As the dust kicks up in the thick heat of summer in the desert...I feel suffocated... Hot wind smacks me in the face and does not offer relief. No perspiration because it evaporates too quickly.. I am hot.. tired and irritated by just about everything. Another oven temperature wave of heat blasted me in the face yesterday... equally hot tears of grief spilled from my eyes... Joseph on my mind. The ever present offering of Why questions pleading from my lips again.. Why did he die? Why didn't they save him.. Why didn't my Dr. know that I needed him out a week before? Then the Choking Ifs ... IF IF IF IF. I sat vacuum sealed in my car not wanting to turn on the air as punishment for it.. Self deprivation won't bring him back I know but in those moments of grief.. nothing can change your mind that somehow all those questions will be answered and you will have your baby back.... if.. 20 months later and I am still surprised at my grief. It springs up and puts you down even when the days are filled with gratefulness. It brings you to your knees while the most precious things.. the sweetest times of my life are still going on. Heat grief... the only thing I can call it, came and went...Left me dry and salty. I miss my son. I miss my son.


This Dust Storm passed... the rage of it all gone... empty and spent again.. the grief subsided...love filled my lungs... I took a deep breath and smiled again.

Joseph can you hear mommy? There is more love for you than any word can describe. I feel you angel watching over us and as I wrap myself in your light love you endlessly... mommy

2 comments:

Jenn said...

Oh Brandy- I can feel the grief AND love of a mother in your post. It brings tears to my eyes. And that picture is amazing. I have never seen anything like it..

About Aisha said...

I feel so sorry for you. I'm also parenting a child in heaven, who died due to chord prolapse. Now I have a rainbow baby girl, Aisha, who help me to forget those worst memories. But still, at some moments of my days, those memories come to me. Hope time will heal those wounds.