Sunday, June 26, 2011

All the way from heaven

He came down to be with us.. all the way from heaven.. and the baby in heaven smiled on as the family played yesterday. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the beauty shown by my son Joseph.. he is all around us.. watching.. laughing.. hoping.. loving. I can see him in the sunshine just past Jonathan's smile.. Do you see it? The pure beauty in one look. The silence of the moment captured without a thought. brothers together, forever and always... All the way from heaven.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt your love all day and know how much fun you had while we swam. I see you here in the shine and glow of heavens love. You are amazing baby.. with love.. mommy

Friday, June 24, 2011


Here is my sister.. she holds a special place in my heart. She and I have been apart 14 years.. That will never happen again. Reconnecting... loving.. and holding tight to all what we know and have.. never letting go.. Love

Friday, June 10, 2011

As far as my heart goes...

Sometimes when I feel my heart beating... It reaches to heaven and back before it beats again. Often my heart fills with such joy... My heart over time larger. It has big patches of comfort sprinkled with sorrow still. I never knew how complex the heart to be. It is greedy and I'm glad about it. It is soft for compassion. It knows when to push on and when to fall back. It releases the ability for love.. in any form.. to understand how unconditional and simple everything really is. As far as my heart goes.. there is no greater love than my family. With my husbands arms wrapped around and Jonathan cradled in tight by my side... Our hearts beat back to heaven to kiss our sweet Joseph and surround ourselves in this light.

As far as my heart goes.. there is limitless love.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Built in Birth Control

She needs us.. all of us.. Lisa at Built in.. Her twin rainbow babies.. born and passed today. I am as I'm sure any or all of you who read this have heavy hearts for her. Loss on loss... Please reach out to her if you can..

Read her story.. Twin Girls gone to soon and now.. Twins again this time a boy and a girl..

Leave her a message.. Tell her you love her as I know you do. She needs us.


Friday, June 3, 2011

Stepping out

I am taking another leap ahead of grief and life after having my rainbow baby. I go back to work on Monday. Yes.. but not sadly I go. I've been in this house for so long.. with grief as my wing man.. then hope as my guide.. now baby in my arms but, I'm ready. I got my clothes out.. ironed and ready.. I will fix my hair this weekend as to not show my age too badly. I will put makeup on daily again. I will return to the road as a warrior of all that there has been in my life a different person. The little things just don't matter to me at work... So what if someone is a little late.. or that driver cut me off on the way in.. I don't care anymore if my coffee is cold or if I won't get that "prefered" parking spot. I've got my big girl pants on and am so ready to be THAT girl again. the one with confidence.. the one with Joy and pride.. The one who they look at and say good things about. I am no longer she who lost a child.. I am the one who was brave enough to try again and sucseed. I am the one who faced down all adversity and in my option with honor. I have worn my emotions on my sleeve. I have not hidden from the pain or the reality. I never chose this life.. but I am damn proud of it.. I will be there Monday.. at work.. and although you may not know it by looking at me.. Strong.. With every beat of my heart determination and courage ring out. I swallow my fears and spit them back out with proof that it is my choosing.. to move on.. and forward. Stepping out again with grace. See you soon new world and look out.. nothing can stop me.. Not death.. not fear.. not sadness.. not worry.. not YOU because it is ME who is living.