Friday, May 27, 2011

The good.. the bad.. the ugly

Yes I am so excited that my rainbow baby is here. No.. I did not get postpartum depression like I thought I would.. Yes this baby is a tough cookie. No.. it is not fun right now. My life today is absolutely everything I've always wanted and then nothing like I thought it would be.
Our little JJ has Acid Reflux. What I thought was colic was not.. it was an extreme case of the burning.. hurting.. cry himself to sleep stuff. I spend most of my days with worry that he is not getting enough to eat.. then if there is anytime left if I've done enough for him to sooth his hurting body. My baby Wants to be so happy. If we are not eating.. burping.. doing tummy time or sleeping.. he does smile and tries like hell to eat even though it hurts.
We have a GI specialist that we will see soon. Until then we are holding on for this ride. I am not complaining. I am seriously in love with this child.. BUT I am also ready for this to end. It may take months for him to outgrow this and I'm here to say BOO. We start each day with such promise. He takes Prevacid and some dark karo syrup (so it does not bind him up) We wait and hope.. and then begin to feed him. Some feedings are ok.. no screaming.. Others will tear your heart out of your chest. Sometimes he eats well.. Others he tosses it all across the room. We never know what is going to happen I've seen milk come out this child's eyes.. nose.. mouth.. I've literally held him as he gasps for air and chokes. I have cried many many times and prayed for relief. I've fed him in the tub.. lap.. boppy.. sling.. while walking.. singing.. talking.. with the vacuum on or the TV up. I've just about exhausted everything in the "fussy baby" book to try...

Yes.. this is a growing thing.. YES it will get better.. No I'm not a quitter.. and No I'm not complaining.. I just wish this poor kid could eat a ton of food and feel good about it... Although I understand a Mothers love all too well.. it has a new level of importance when your child is here. is hurting.. and you sometimes can't comfort him. No I'm sure he'll be fine.. Just wishing for today instead of tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

More Penny

When you have a rainbow born on the same day of the month as the child who is in heaven.. your milestones and remembrance days get mixed up and all mashed together. Joseph and Jonathan born on the 15th of the month. Now I know that once Jonathan is over a year.. we won't be counting down those monthly milestones as much and this will get easier but... right now it is a little hard. Yesterday we had every intention on going to "the big boy place" to have another picture of my boys together and to celebrate JJ's 2 months and Josephs 20 month anniversary. Needless to say we did not make it out there. It is only 5 miles down the road and we didn't get there? Yes I know things happen and priority is for our little guy at home but emotionally that was hard on me. I wanted to get there. I tried to get here.. I needed to be there and yet.. did not. Silent tears fall. As I choked them back and finished the things that needed to be done around the house before a new week began.. I found it.. another Penny. It was in the laundry with the towels.. Yes with the towels so no possible way it could have slipped from a coat or pants pocket.. It was not in there when I put the towels in to dry.. In fact we never herd the clang of it as the dryer tumbled.. So I got my boy on HIS day anyway. In the midst of grief and worry over not being there for my "big boy" he was there for me.. AGAIN.

Joesph can you hear mommy? More pennies please.. they make me feel happy and clam. they let me know you are sending kisses down to me.. and I am thankful. I miss you so much sweet guy.. My baby boy.. Always love, mom.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


The safe place in my heart over loves... The safe place in my mind over thinks... The safe place in my image feels young.. the safe place in my relationships over kind.. The safe place in my house over stays... the safe place doesn't worry or wonder.

Turn the what ifs off.. it is.. and enjoy your loves..your thoughts... your image..your friends...your family.. your welcome. Move over doubt there is only room for positive!

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel safe with you in heaven..tucked in tight with God. Sleeping with other angel babies.. but I miss you and often feel you close.. close enough to touch. Reaching my smile to heaven..arms out.. Love mom.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Family history

That is me... when I was 12... I am holding my first nephew, Tommy. My sister Jill gave birth young and we were really close growing up. She now lives across the street and can be seen in this same position as I was then.. now with my son. There is so much history in our family.. I started with this picture as Tommy is my sisters first born.. and my family's first baby (after me as I WAS the baby). He brought joy to us all.. My sister was very young when she had him 19 and it seemed impossible that everything would be alright.. but you see it is.. all right..and it happened as it should have for her.. Happy times.. good memories and lots of family time.

There is another type of history in our family... coincidences some may call it.. They say history has a way of repeating itself? Just happened to do so for us.. only many many years apart and sooner for me than for others..

Paul's dad died... he was only 26.. he had a heart condition... he was his mothers first born baby.. and only boy.. He carried the Jean name and gave it to Paul and was able in his short life to also have 2 other children.. Paul's brother and Sister.. Eric and Michelle. Paul's grandmother.. now great grandmother to JJ had to endure loosing her first born son. Although he was older.. she knows what it is like to have loss.. and misses him daily. She was a pillar of hope for me in my darkest days... to show that love will go on and that we will have other children (she had 4 girls after that)

JJ is now the littlest, Jean and the only boy to carry on the name right now (unless we have another or if Paul's brother has kids)

And Yet.. another type of history on my side... My Dad.. lost his brother (the first born son) Uncle bud... was 45 when he died of a brain tumor. He was outlived by my grandfather, Grandy. Although Grandy did not live to meet Joseph I know what it feels like to outlive your first born...

Like I said.. history of our family is good.. but does have some coincidence.. You never put it all together.. but you know that it all means something.. We have the first born, Bernie in heaven getting to parent Joseph the way he would have his sons here on earth and watch him grow as he was not able to with my husband... Uncle Bud who's had 3 sons (all living with children) Also able to hold my sweet little ones hand and help him grow as only I know he could do.. would do if here still with us..

So many angels.. so different a time... So many happy times that came from such uncertainty.. we all prevail.. we all overcome.. we all have our issues/problems and worry.. we all have our darkest moments and our greatest hours..

We all have family history that makes us who we all are now and shapes our lives and our children here on earth as well as those in heaven.

I always end with love.. with arms reached out to the sky for him.. As he is cared for by so many other angles..

Joseph can you hear mommy? Give your grandfather a hug from me today.. tell your great uncle that we miss him and hope you have reached him... Rock with your Great Grandy.. I love you my son... Mom.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

May 1

May 1.. our day.. Our day to be mothers to those babies in heaven. Our day to talk about what it means to be a mother to a son or daughter in heaven. Our time to let everyone know that heaven is real and that bad things still can happen to good people. Yes our day to voice our wishes to have a day.. all our own.. to share with others and to join together the voice to be recognised as mothers.. in loss and in hope. For those of you who read this blog that also endure the cruelty of infertility and the shame of having NOT being recognised as a Mother.. I am truly sorry. I've had the support of an army to get me here.. 19 months later. To grieve out loud.. To voice my sorrow and my joy.. The choice to be happy in the face of all this LOSS is hard. But it is a choice... some days you have to bring your own sunshine.. Some days you have to stand in the rain alone and weep. All days you should stand proud that you are a mother.. you are a mother to an angel.. and you will one day parent that child along side your breast as you meet again.. May 1.. your angel wings fly from earth to reach your baby.. to touch his or her hand and simply kiss the soft face once more. Envision yourself a guide... to the greater good.. For all that there is.. always will be Love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Thank you for making me a mom. My heart.. my love.. my everything to my first born babe.. the apple of my eye and the one who captures my heart...