Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Guardian Angel

Feeling just like this song by Leah West.... Turn up the Volume and just listen.. and if you don't have music for your computer.. go to Google.. Search Guardian Angel by Leah West.. Enjoy my Friends.. This is for all you BLM's.. for all of us searching for rainbows and for those whose rainbows have graced us with the gift. My big heart is open today.. feeling the Angel Joseph so very much today and always...

** I think to myself all the time... Jonathan must know something.. about his brother.. and I can't wait to find out what it is or what he may keep as his own special bond...

Little baby up in heaven says to God
"do I really have to go?"
God Replies "yes it is your time to leave
but don't you worry you won't be there alone
You see there is someone who's been waiting for you
Quietly hoping and praying for your sweet and safe arrival
Down to Earth.

Everyone is born with a guardian Angel
and on her wings she'll let you soar
Higher than you thought was possible
She'll love you and protect you line no other
and your guardian angel has a name...
You can call her Mother.....

Oh my.....

Monday, April 18, 2011

Joseph Dream

I love dreams.. especially the ones where Joseph is there.. I had one last night.. and I woke with tears in my eyes.. It was perfect.. and right and beautiful. The dream was brief but I remember every second. We were in our living room (all of us.. Paul, Jonathan the dogs and me) I had JJ on tummy time and was watching over him.. Paul sat in our rocking chair and on his shoulder what Joseph... He spoke.. He said "I'm going to wear diapers until I'm 128 years old" We all laughed and Paul smiled at me while I looked up just in time to catch Josephs sweet face.. His little nose and perfectly big cheeks.. I winked at him... My wink must have caught that tear that slipped from my eye as I rose to feed our JJ again. I spent the next hour playing this over and over and over again in my mind.. yes he will be 128 and still in diapers.. but also that he is so loved and gifted to seek us in our dream.. to play a little joke and to give me some rest. Ah, the gift of him. I've been waiting for this dream for almost a year.. as he has been silent when I rest. Grateful that I woke to him again. big warm snugly love.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

4 weeks 40 weeks

JJ is 4 weeks old.. and officially full term. I'm testing out the nickname...JJ I seem to like it better.. So far I call him JJ and "little squeeker" because he squeeks when he eats.. Speaking of eating.. Our guys suck/swallow is just not there yet. He eats.. all breast milk but chokes.. spits.. gulps and then spits up after every feeding.. I have myself now wondering if he is gaining any weight.. I ordered a baby scale for preemies.. not here yet.. so I worry everyday. He seems Okay other than the colic. Yes I've got the Colic baby.. Grip water.. Mylicon cocktails.. are in full swing. My Dr tells me that he will grow out if this in another week or so as he is now full term and should be able to do the things that he was having trouble with before. I will have to video tape him "grunting" so you guys can hear it.. It is funny and sad at the same time.. He sounds like an old man! Anyway - I love our guy and have settled into sleepless nights pretty well.. Don't worry I get some rest.. just not in a row yet.. He is growing and I know it will just take time. These have been the hardest and BEST 4 weeks of my life.. Looking forward to every changing step and whatever he brings to our life. I am also looking forward to feeding every 4 hours instead of 3 (one more week) Whew...

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you can little guy.. I think of you every day and love you more with each passing moment.. As I know now what I missed with you it makes me sad.. you should be 19 months now... running laughing and getting into trouble while I try to care for your little brother.. Sometimes when we are up at night I feel the calm.. is that you my son? All my love mom.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The boys...

As we settle into being home.. it is so full of life again.. what once felt like a time warp has caught up to the inertia again. The place where we held our breath for 8 full months has air... our worried smiles and tense nights gone... replaced with well worried smiles and sleepless nights but all for good this time. It has been so long since I've seen my husband smile... really smile.. really love and really feel "happy". He misses Joseph so much.. as we all do but I think it is different for him.. deeper in some ways because it just is... and then to watch his wife suffer the loss and be set back and beat down again and again as we struggled every day for our second born... The relentless care I received from him.. the love and the ability he had to continue to drive us forward and take me with him... results of tenacity... and now.. the boys.. with Joseph on his heart.. Jonathan in his arms I am so in awe..

Friday, April 1, 2011

The warm Heart

Jonathan has this little thing... that he does that I know.. he is thinking of his brother.. and telling me that he "knows". He points his right index finger to the sky... Often when we are doing mommy to chest time and always when we are feeding him. It is like when he is getting the greatest comfort... he points his little finger high to the sky to say... See brother we are thinking of you and I will always know you... Mommy and Daddy miss you sweet brother and love both of us the same.. You know and I know something they don't.. won't and that is okay by me... Such a sweet little thing he does.. I don't pretend to "know" this is what is really going on.. but It is a neat little thought on a tiny perfect man.. loving his brother and making our hearts full.