As if the journey not long enough.. hard enough.. worried enough.. we had some more drama late last Thursday. I went to bed normal time no issues and was really looking forward to the nights rest. I started tasting blood. At first I thought how strange maybe because the temperature here in the west has gotten hot again.. dry again.. I thought for a second I had a nose bleed (that I have never had in my life). I asked my husband for a tissue and that is when the coughing began. As if uncontrollable .. I shook and coughed and coughed blood poured up from my lungs. I soaked tissue after tissue in terror.. Where is all the blood coming from? I don't feel sick.. Scared is NOT the word here.... we were in the OB triage in less than 15 min. The Dr. came in and said.. baby looks fine.. We are extremely worried now for your life..? What? why? You could have a pulmonary embolism (Blood clot) on the lung.... they whisked me to the regular ER... As I sat holding my belly tears for both me and my husband.. Can it be that my body is shutting down? Into a CT scan. For those of you who don't know. CT requires radiation. Now I'm facing a life threatening blood clot.. radiating Jonathan. I had a panic attack so large that I thought if the blood clot did not kill me... the attack would. I felt the warm iodine solution into every blood vessel of my body.. I got the pictures they needed.. I cried Oh how very hard.. I begged them for a Doppler to check my baby.. A full 5 min later.. Lub dub.. lub dub.. he was fine... As I shelpt back out of the attack and calmed myself down.. blood shot eyes of the man who has endured more than even I thought possible to do... looking down at me.. WE are fine.. No blood clot.. Thank you god.. Jonathan is fine except now has been through radiation already. I am spent.. I am tired.. I am glazed with exhaustion. There is a reason the journey so hard.. so rough .. so ridiculously long I know.. I will bring Proof to this world that anything is possible.. I will bring my rainbow baby home... As I have stated before NOTHING will stop me. Nothing.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I packed your sweet face into the overnight bag.. to take with us to see you and your brother together.. your love and protection shines.
Jonathan are you listening? Not even a possible blood clot can stop me from you.. nothing our bond too strong will withstand the test of time.. I love you infinity.. mommy.