Thursday, March 3, 2011
I remember posting about my 2WW between the time I did IVF and when we could test to see if it was successful back in July. At that time I was still so deep in the grief of losing Joseph and then having had a miscarriage that those days went fast. I was so detached.. distracted and well.. it was easy. here I am 8 months later doing the 2WW for our Jonathan's arrival and well.. still terrified.. but I have found ways to manage. I have survived sub-chorionic bleeding for 10 weeks.. finding out our little guy has enlarged kidneys.. Hospital for preterm labor and some scary heart issues (now resolved) with him as well. I have been on 12 weeks of bed rest.. been on the cusp of early delivery due to too much fluid and blood pressure issues.. Found myself in the swallows of dismay.. worry and guilt. I have tested my strength in everything I believe in and pushed my body to be pregnant for 21 months out of 25. I have learned to parent my son in heaven.. honor him and find a way to separate my boys to insure Jonathan knows he was always wanted.. and was not brought into this world becuase of loss.. We planned on him always. I have listened to countless people tell me that they don't understand why I try so hard to have a baby.. as if undeserving becuase of infertility.. and on the flip side seen the best of mankind in those that follow this blog and me in my journey. As I enter this last of the 2WW I somehow can erase all that has happened.. all that there was and just love. In the end.. that is all there is.. Love.. for our babies in heaven.. for our children of hope. for our friends and for our family.. love.. and the thankfulness that I am the one chosen for this life..filled with it.
at 1:30 PM