Sunday, March 27, 2011

Significance of One Five


We took Jonathan to Joseph's Big Boy Place today...
I cried...
We put our boys together... again. So Joseph could be the proud big brother we all know he is..
I wept...

There is so much more to this story... the one that began on the 15th of October in 2009.. The day our first born made his way into this world only to touch down so briefly. He stained our hearts with love forever.. not knowing then the power of his number 1 and 5.

Joseph held his brothers hand the entire 8 months of my pregnancy.. He kept him safe in heaven until he let go his Jonathan and delivered him into our arms... Also on the 1 and 5. He knew he needed to get him here.. safe and the only date he knew to do that was the 15th..

I am in awe of him.

The boys are 18 months apart "exactly" and again... they show the power and the significance of all of our journey.. of all of our hope of all of our everything.

The SAME Dr.. who delivered the horrible news regarding Josephs brain and lack of oxygen and the need to let him go... was there... to discharge Jonathan from the hospital (different hospital) You see.. the circle of life came around even for the Dr's involved in my life.. Our story touched her so deeply she came to Josephs funeral... and then took our picture to show the world... that we made it round... Of course it was her... Of course she had just transferred to the hospital Jonathan was just delivered in.. Of course she remembered us.. Amen.

I can't say enough about the power of our One and Five.. but I can tell you that this is just yet another Peek into what really has changed our lives..

For all that there is bad there is good. for all that there are no answers for... the answers come.. For everything needed to be known.. is.. For there is love

My boys.. together you are unstoppable.. One and Five... One and Five...Love mom

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Sliding into home..

It began... on Tuesday morning.. contractions that felt a little harder than normal.. I had a Dr. apt late that afternoon so I thought I write down the times of each.. I was having about 5-6 per hour. I went to the Dr... he took one look at me and said... Mom, you look like you are having a bad day lets put you in the hospital overnight and monitor the baby.. Okay by me.. knowing in a few short days he was to arrive... what a better way to spend the time.. being watched. I got in around 6pm and they checked all the "stuff".. the Dr. on call said.. I'm not sure I like these.. I was having contractions every 3 or so min now... She suggested we do an Amnio and if it was clear we would have our little guy on Wednesday.. Okay I thought just a few days short. After the Amnio even more contractions this time... labor for real.... (more later on this story) Needless to say by 10 I was being prepped for the C-section no time to wait for the results of amnio.. off we went..

I have to say I had a great C-Section .. I was awake no drugs other than the spinal block of course... He came out so easy.. and I got to hear him cry.. OH THAT NOISE BROUGHT ME TO MY KNEES... He cried... My SON cried.. my forever child... His scores were 6 and 8 on APGAR.. not to bad for a 35 weeker.. He did great at first and then got really tired.. They had to take him to the NICU...

Jonathan had to be put on a C-PAP machine to push the air in and out of his lungs.. but no extra oxygen was needed... he was doing great.. We spent the better part of 2 days this way and then...... ready to come off only to find that he did not know yet how to eat... This process went the way of feeding tube.. and then slowly slowly to bottle..

I am skipping a bunch of detail to keep the story short.. After 1 week.. He was allowed to come home to us. Today is the most wonderful day of my life. I am so happy and so grateful.. and just SO everything MORE than I ever have known.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You did it little guy.. You landed your brother safely in our arms.. you carried him with you in heaven until he was ready to begin... His life exactly 18 mos to the day you were born. Heaven is wonderful. you are amazing and I am So in love with you. Mommy.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Almost Home

Hi there everyone, this is Jill again. Wanted to give you a quick update on Jonathan and share a photo. Brandy and Jonathan are doing wonderfully and both are expected to be home Tuesday. I have been to the hospital everyday to see my beautiful nephew and to share in the joy with both Brandy and Paul. My baby sister is awesome!! Jonathan is absolutely the most gorgeous baby I have ever seen. His little noises are so cute. Brandy sometimes refers to him as her "little squeaker". Her smile is so big and her eyes sparkle so beautifully. We are truly blessed. I am sure once she is home and settled that she will be filling you all in on the details of the past week and of course sharing more photos.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Hello everyone!! This is Jill, Brandy's sister, and I have some very exciting and happy news to share. Jonathon Cooper Jean came into this world at 10:40 pm on March 15. He weighs in at 6 lbs, 3 oz. and is 19 inches long. He has lots of hair and is absolutely beautiful. Brandy is doing great and we are so very proud of her. It has been a long night and we hope to have pictures to post later today or tomorrow. She wanted to make sure that everyone following her blog received the wonderful news.

Monday, March 14, 2011

ER and the CT

As if the journey not long enough.. hard enough.. worried enough.. we had some more drama late last Thursday. I went to bed normal time no issues and was really looking forward to the nights rest. I started tasting blood. At first I thought how strange maybe because the temperature here in the west has gotten hot again.. dry again.. I thought for a second I had a nose bleed (that I have never had in my life). I asked my husband for a tissue and that is when the coughing began. As if uncontrollable .. I shook and coughed and coughed blood poured up from my lungs. I soaked tissue after tissue in terror.. Where is all the blood coming from? I don't feel sick.. Scared is NOT the word here.... we were in the OB triage in less than 15 min. The Dr. came in and said.. baby looks fine.. We are extremely worried now for your life..? What? why? You could have a pulmonary embolism (Blood clot) on the lung.... they whisked me to the regular ER... As I sat holding my belly tears for both me and my husband.. Can it be that my body is shutting down? Into a CT scan. For those of you who don't know. CT requires radiation. Now I'm facing a life threatening blood clot.. radiating Jonathan. I had a panic attack so large that I thought if the blood clot did not kill me... the attack would. I felt the warm iodine solution into every blood vessel of my body.. I got the pictures they needed.. I cried Oh how very hard.. I begged them for a Doppler to check my baby.. A full 5 min later.. Lub dub.. lub dub.. he was fine... As I shelpt back out of the attack and calmed myself down.. blood shot eyes of the man who has endured more than even I thought possible to do... looking down at me.. WE are fine.. No blood clot.. Thank you god.. Jonathan is fine except now has been through radiation already. I am spent.. I am tired.. I am glazed with exhaustion. There is a reason the journey so hard.. so rough .. so ridiculously long I know.. I will bring Proof to this world that anything is possible.. I will bring my rainbow baby home... As I have stated before NOTHING will stop me. Nothing.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I packed your sweet face into the overnight bag.. to take with us to see you and your brother together.. your love and protection shines.

Jonathan are you listening? Not even a possible blood clot can stop me from you.. nothing our bond too strong will withstand the test of time.. I love you infinity.. mommy.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I can see Hope

I don't know about you but these 35 weeks have been so long that I think we have all aged 10 years. I think it is because I've been following a lot of BLM blogs who have already had rainbows... So I've lived their pregnancy as well as mine extending the amount of time it feels like I've been pregnant! With all that has happened in these many many months.. I honestly did not think I'd make it to the 35 week! So significant after staring down the face of having a 24 weeker....holding onto hope that I could get to 30... then 32 and now seeing that page.. show 35 delights the hope for one more week! Tomorrow I have a growth ultrasound on Jonathan and we are hoping that he will be a little over 5 lbs. Next week we will have our amnio on Thursday and hope again that his little lungs are mature so we can deliver on Friday the 18th... 12:30pm (az time) Seems like a dream to get this far. I have been to the triage 3x over the past 7 days... due to contractions and today they will take me off the niphetapin that is keeping those at bay. My Dr said to let me contract and see if I actually roll into labor. If that happens he could just make an appearance before Friday! When you can actually see hope all days become your own.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Your gifts keep rolling and your sweet face is all around me. I love you dear one... so deeply - mom.

Jonathan are you listening? one more week baby.. one more.. wiggle and move and grow as much as you can.. we are coming for you .. in my arms so soon.. all of my love mommy.

Monday, March 7, 2011

My Furry Faced Child...

11 years ago my husband and I finally had a house with a backyard and could get a dog. Significant because we had wanted so badly to have one.. neither of us had the chance to grow up with a dog due to one thing or another. We were so excited and had NO clue how to go about this whole thing... so we looked in the paper.. I KNOW now how terrible that decision was but.. hey we never will make that mistake again... unless it is a rescue add. Anyway - we pulled into what turned out to be a puppy mills home.. Lab was the 5th or so breed of dog they just "happened" to have available as a puppy this time. Out of the door bounded this black ball of perfection.. She had long ears.. and simply sat on my husbands foot.. She was to be ours forever. Little did we know she was a mixed breed (yes we were scammed) but I'm so happy she became ours. We nursed her back to health and she became our world that day.. she still is. I've always had a furry faced daughter and she no more thinks she is a dog then I do.

Emma girl is now in the eve of her life. A few weeks ago she stopped eating.. we changed her diet and got her all the love an attention we could at the vet. They told us her little blood levels for pancriatitus and liver were not good.. She simply is just old. She had been eating the new food we got her but not enthusiastically ... she is slowing down. her sparkle is gone but not completely.. She loves.. she cuddles and she shines in my heart. She sleeps now 22 hours a day only to get up for a slow bark or a quick drink.. maybe to step outside but barley. I have been home for so many weeks... seeing her change has seemed so sudden. I suspect she has been doing this a lot longer than I've known...

I sit with little tears for her as I see she is holding on.. for us... for the baby.. for something.. not sure yet what. I keep hoping she will turn it around that she will spunk up and run over in her regular way.. I know that is not likely.. I know that her time may be nearing the end... With Grace I will let her go.. My First child.. although furry faced... she has been such a blessing in our lives..

Emma: You have kissed every tear I've had.. you have shown me such love and care.. Your sweet face forever makes me smile. Let us know when it is time for you to go.. we will go with you and hold you until you leave this place. I think all dogs go to heaven.. and you will meet your brother Joseph. That thought makes me smile.. You can help me mother him from there.. little lady loo whoo.. it is okay to let go.. you are brave and strong.. the leader of our house.. the one who rules the roost and keeps track of time (and cookies) She who seeks out the best in us.. we now do the same for you. All of my

Emma will go to the hospital tomorrow.. and we will wait and see.. and wait and see.. I pray for peace for this most precious of animals.. she has been the most perfect joy in our lives for so long.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The 2WW

I remember posting about my 2WW between the time I did IVF and when we could test to see if it was successful back in July. At that time I was still so deep in the grief of losing Joseph and then having had a miscarriage that those days went fast. I was so detached.. distracted and well.. it was easy. here I am 8 months later doing the 2WW for our Jonathan's arrival and well.. still terrified.. but I have found ways to manage. I have survived sub-chorionic bleeding for 10 weeks.. finding out our little guy has enlarged kidneys.. Hospital for preterm labor and some scary heart issues (now resolved) with him as well. I have been on 12 weeks of bed rest.. been on the cusp of early delivery due to too much fluid and blood pressure issues.. Found myself in the swallows of dismay.. worry and guilt. I have tested my strength in everything I believe in and pushed my body to be pregnant for 21 months out of 25. I have learned to parent my son in heaven.. honor him and find a way to separate my boys to insure Jonathan knows he was always wanted.. and was not brought into this world becuase of loss.. We planned on him always. I have listened to countless people tell me that they don't understand why I try so hard to have a baby.. as if undeserving becuase of infertility.. and on the flip side seen the best of mankind in those that follow this blog and me in my journey. As I enter this last of the 2WW I somehow can erase all that has happened.. all that there was and just love. In the end.. that is all there is.. Love.. for our babies in heaven.. for our children of hope. for our friends and for our family.. love.. and the thankfulness that I am the one chosen for this life..filled with it.