I have a friend.. only I don't know her name.. we meet 2x a week in the High risk doctors office.. it is strange.. she has told me her name but I always forget.. and what is even stranger? She and I were in the hospital together a month ago talking about how we were due on the same day... She is having twins, Via IVF and we have the same RE... I know seems odd that someone like me who ALWAYS "knows" a name could possibly just forget here.. I am so focused on her twins and her ever growing belly and now well, too much time has passed for me to ask again. Perhaps I'll just have her spell her name so I can find her on FB.. Anyway, I saw my "friend" again today and she is doing fine... Her Twins are fine and her problems have gone away except she is still on bed rest too.. I'm happy when I see her.. we talk about our Dr.. now about our High Risk team.. the hospital staff where we will both deliver.. our babies and it is just nice.. nice to have someone who is exactly where I am except for ONE big thing.. She has never had a loss.. and I just can't bring myself to terrify anyone who is already scared to death and in a dr office. So I just don't say anything.. She'll be alright.. we will be alright.. I'll be alright - Somehow.
I said it would be a ramble post and it is.. I've discussed before how I see someone to talk about my grief and help get me through this pregnancy.. someone who understands when I have a night terror and sudden feelings of loss that don't exist.. Oh yeah and now phantom pains of the c-section I had over 16 months ago can seem so real when you are in the thick of it.. Anyway - my therapist thinks I may need medication.. I'm slipping into a hole of panic (at night) and that may be the answer? I refuse Tylenol so I don't think I can do it.. and yet - if it will help me get the last 33 days done w/o so much wonder in my mind.. I think maybe..
Anyway - I'm holding tough.. Bed rest is no fun.. we owe in taxes and I had to watch the tax prepare guy erase Josephs name from our family.. (heart sank deep sigh) I knew it was coming but still.. ugggg. All in All I've got it better than most waiting on my rainbow to come in ..
Joseph can you hear mommy? LOVE.. and you are my family my heart my always - forever my son and my child - mom
Jonathan are you listening? Hang in there baby I love you.. keep growing and kicking and wiggling and holding on.. you are doing so good - I promise I am a fun mom.. despite a few of the crazy attacks I've had lately - Love forever mommy.