Friday, February 18, 2011

The 10

So for a long while I have not discussed the issues going on with our precious little rainbow.. He continues to grow and stay inside just enough that the Dr's let me stay at home on bed rest but... not doing good enough for him not to get checked 2x a week.. His kidney (the right one) has been misbehaving.. and has grown to a 10 or really a 1.0 but whatever they call it the 10. Ten means.. that things are not getting better.. they have gotten a little worse.. He has been measuring between 7-8 and then 9 last week.. today 10.. Still the Dr's will not do anything now but wait. If they get any worse we will deliver even earlier. I know we are looking at some time in the NICU with this little one and It breaks my heart.. I'm preparing.. but the 10 is not something I wanted to see.. Kind of made his issue real.. This whole time I thought well it could just fix itself. The reality is hard. He also has these little bouts of sleep (when they try to do the NST of course) His little heart just beats and beats but does not accelerate good for them nor does he move. Today we spent an hour on the monitor trying to get him to go.. we buzzed him with the stimulator and nothing.... finally I ate some sugar and he moved a bit... JUST enough to allow us to come home and not go to the hospital... There is no comfort to me in that.. Not that I want to go to the hospital but letting me leave after all the time of worry and the news of the kidney.. just... makes me stand on high alert. I am letting go of the worry but you know.. I can smile with tears streaming. I am never going to say why me.. It is not in my nature to give into the fears.. It's just one of those days.. where you want to say COME ON - Enough already.. let there be peace.

I will follow with the wonderful news of 4 plus lbs.. he is growing right on track and has all the right stuff to make it... 28 days to go. We can do it together.. But I need everyone.. I just do.

Joseph can you hear mommy? sweet angel of mine.. I love you and I Miss you.. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Hang tight.. it won't be long now.. we love you so so very much. mommy.


Curls O Fred said...

Yes, enough already. Will be thinking of you and hoping the fears don't overwhelm and he does better for the remaining time you have (you said 28 right?). Much love.

Christy said...

Brandy--Sending you hugs and happy thoughts to get through these last few weeks. You will make it, I know. Little Jon will be just fine, too. I'm praying for this and for you to find some peace and enjoy these last few days of being pregnant. Wish I could make it easier, but we know that life doesn't come with this guarantee. You have a beautiful baby growing inside you and you are doing a wonderful job at being his mommy. Don't ever forget that, girl. You are so strong!

Salma's Visual Notes said...

You are almost there little John. I am waiting to meet you.

Brandy, xo