Saturday, January 15, 2011

Still worried.

I know that there is nothing that I did wrong.. or could have done to save our sweet Joseph. I know I carried him 40 full weeks and went to the hospital thinking everything would be alright as I was that far along... I had no idea. Still don't. Seeing what can happen.. has happened.. and knowing about real pain and loss just does not sit well. I wish that I had a button to push just to see the future a brief moment in time to ease my fears. Fear does not come often for me... but when it does it is hard to shake. I have no milestone to hit or get past that would make me feel more comfortable.. Joseph died perfect.. full term with no complications to him.. it was me. It was the emergency C-section that gave him life and did allow for him to live his too short life with us. I am forever grateful that I held him as I know too well that often that is not the case for most. I know his purpose was not to stay and that his being was filled with love from beginning to end. I know he opened doors in my heart and many others that may otherwise have stayed closed... But being pregnant now.. having complications.. on top of what I already know... just gets me sometimes.. It gets me deep in my soul. Blessed at everything still I understand it is not for me to decided. There is no "fair" and bad things sometimes happen to good people.. I wait.. and I wonder and I worry.. Every kick every checkup.. all the times I've already been scared..all the time willing my Jonathan to come home.. to be my forever child..

And then I see his face....... (pictured below) and light fills the dark tunnel again.














Joseph can you hear mommy? My arms still ache although you lifted them.. my heart still hurts.. but it yet so full. I miss you sweet baby Joe... love mom

Jonathan are you listening? Stay baby stay.. but let me know if you need me... I'll be here as I am now forever your mommy. I love you.

7 comments:

lis said...

hugs, my friend. i can imagine how hard it must be, and im sure at times you wish you had something to blame. i know all will be well this time and you will have your boys, not together as one will be here in your arms, but forever.
hoping you are able to stay strong and fight through the tough times. im here if you need me..
xoxo
lis

Christy said...

Brandy--Just sending you hugs & positive thoughts to help you through this pregnancy. Joseph is helping you every day to have faith in this journey. Wish there was something more I could say to ease your fears....but you are a very strong woman and you will do this! Can't wait for Jonathan to be in your arms!
xxxooo

Stephanie said...

It is so hard not to 'go to that place.' That place of darkness in the middle of every thing else being light. You are mothering this baby in every right and correct way. This is a lot like labor. . . it is slow and hard work. You are doing all that you can, and yet. . .even with this knowledge, you are still powerless. This little one is so obviously loved, as Joseph is. Don't be too hard on yourself. I know that i am still full of second guesses, anxiety, and fear as the days pass.

Hannah said...

Ugh. yes, not having that milestone, other than a living, breathing child in your arms...is all we get. Don't be too hard on your uterus!

Lisette said...

I wish that there is something to be done or said that will ease your fears but we both know that is not possible. It is so hard to not think of the "what if's" after a loss like yours. We have been robbed in a sense of our innocence. Praying for your guys everysay ((HUGS)).
I love his picture, it is perfect just like him.

Monica said...

Sending love, strength and understanding you way. He's beautiful and he'll be in your arms when he's ready. You guys are in my thoughts.

Visual Notes said...

I won't say how you should feel because I was there a few months ago. Thinking of you and little Jon and hoping that soon I will see a newborn photo on these pages.