I know that there is nothing that I did wrong.. or could have done to save our sweet Joseph. I know I carried him 40 full weeks and went to the hospital thinking everything would be alright as I was that far along... I had no idea. Still don't. Seeing what can happen.. has happened.. and knowing about real pain and loss just does not sit well. I wish that I had a button to push just to see the future a brief moment in time to ease my fears. Fear does not come often for me... but when it does it is hard to shake. I have no milestone to hit or get past that would make me feel more comfortable.. Joseph died perfect.. full term with no complications to him.. it was me. It was the emergency C-section that gave him life and did allow for him to live his too short life with us. I am forever grateful that I held him as I know too well that often that is not the case for most. I know his purpose was not to stay and that his being was filled with love from beginning to end. I know he opened doors in my heart and many others that may otherwise have stayed closed... But being pregnant now.. having complications.. on top of what I already know... just gets me sometimes.. It gets me deep in my soul. Blessed at everything still I understand it is not for me to decided. There is no "fair" and bad things sometimes happen to good people.. I wait.. and I wonder and I worry.. Every kick every checkup.. all the times I've already been scared..all the time willing my Jonathan to come home.. to be my forever child..
And then I see his face....... (pictured below) and light fills the dark tunnel again.
Joseph can you hear mommy? My arms still ache although you lifted them.. my heart still hurts.. but it yet so full. I miss you sweet baby Joe... love mom
Jonathan are you listening? Stay baby stay.. but let me know if you need me... I'll be here as I am now forever your mommy. I love you.