Believe it or not.. the hardest thing about grief is the fact that I've leaned on so many people for support and counted on so many people for help that I've lost track of being able to help other people.... I still have big ideas and know what I can do in the future but, it is the now of helping I am without. I used to teach up to 100 people a week how to work out and exercise their minds and body's. I used to manage a team of people in the workforce and lead others by example... Now I'm on bead rest.. (not that I mind don't get me wrong) But.. It makes me feel like I depend on others again and I'm not able to return the great gifts everyone has given to me.. I want to be that leader again.. talk to people face to face everyday.. Find solutions for them.. you know just be that "friend" again... the one they could lean on anytime.. I miss being the one to go out there and do for others.. Maybe it is the isolation of home... the constant inability to see and touch others hearts.. Cyb er world is good but... getting out there and really making a difference is hard not to do when you so used to it... I just can't wait to get out there again and share with others how much they mean to me... so they know how much I care.. and want to help in return.
Joseph can you hear mommy? Sweet boy so big in heaven now... I miss you every day and have not lost sight of what you brought.. I love you until forever.. mom
Jonathan are you listening? One day at a time... we will be fine and stay with us little one.. I dream of you in my arms.. love you baby, mommy