Saturday, January 29, 2011


The closer I get to the due date... the closer I feel to Joseph. Parallel worlds are starting to collied together in this beautiful symphony of love. I feel both babies so close to my heart right now. I see Joseph and Jonathan together nestled into my soul. They are buddies and they are near... it is a sensation I've been having daily. Maybe it is because I am getting closer now to delivery.. maybe it is just nesting... I don't know for sure but I can say... It is a hover just above what I can't see or reach.. but I can feel it... Quiet.. perfect.. beautiful... warm. I am closer to everything... my husband.. especially as we continue to grow so strong. Closer to my feelings and being open about my fears but also not being afraid to dream. Closer just closer to everything almost within reach. Positive forward momentum needed. Don't let the negative slip in.. Don't let the past surround you.. see it and feel it and it shall be. Closer two brothers can or will ever be. Beautiful.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel you near me so close watching and hoping and loving as you are. Know that I am right there baby.. for you always. momma.

Jonathan are you listening? Hold your brothers hand and play.. I will bring to you this world when you are ready... love surrounds you. mom.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I've never really had a big chest.. with all the working out I do there has never been anything "there" so to speak.. That is why I am laughing at what they actually might be IF I was not a work out freak. Yesterday I ordered an on-line nursing bra. I measured myself to make sure I got the right size and then left a little wiggle room just in case. I almost FELL OFF THE CHAIR... when the size I needed to buy was a 42 E... yes.. did you see that number? And then even more comical was the fact that you can order a 42 E,F,G (hence the room to grow) My sense of humor is juvenile I know.. but Boobs should not be this SIZE.. but now that mine are.. I just think it is funny.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love you little man - with every ounce that I am.. Mom

Jonathan are you listening? Test today are you ready? Grow baby grow and stay with me.. I love you so much... mom

Friday, January 21, 2011

Helping others

Believe it or not.. the hardest thing about grief is the fact that I've leaned on so many people for support and counted on so many people for help that I've lost track of being able to help other people.... I still have big ideas and know what I can do in the future but, it is the now of helping I am without. I used to teach up to 100 people a week how to work out and exercise their minds and body's. I used to manage a team of people in the workforce and lead others by example... Now I'm on bead rest.. (not that I mind don't get me wrong) But.. It makes me feel like I depend on others again and I'm not able to return the great gifts everyone has given to me.. I want to be that leader again.. talk to people face to face everyday.. Find solutions for them.. you know just be that "friend" again... the one they could lean on anytime.. I miss being the one to go out there and do for others.. Maybe it is the isolation of home... the constant inability to see and touch others hearts.. Cyb er world is good but... getting out there and really making a difference is hard not to do when you so used to it... I just can't wait to get out there again and share with others how much they mean to me... so they know how much I care.. and want to help in return.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Sweet boy so big in heaven now... I miss you every day and have not lost sight of what you brought.. I love you until forever.. mom

Jonathan are you listening? One day at a time... we will be fine and stay with us little one.. I dream of you in my arms.. love you baby, mommy

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Still worried.

I know that there is nothing that I did wrong.. or could have done to save our sweet Joseph. I know I carried him 40 full weeks and went to the hospital thinking everything would be alright as I was that far along... I had no idea. Still don't. Seeing what can happen.. has happened.. and knowing about real pain and loss just does not sit well. I wish that I had a button to push just to see the future a brief moment in time to ease my fears. Fear does not come often for me... but when it does it is hard to shake. I have no milestone to hit or get past that would make me feel more comfortable.. Joseph died perfect.. full term with no complications to him.. it was me. It was the emergency C-section that gave him life and did allow for him to live his too short life with us. I am forever grateful that I held him as I know too well that often that is not the case for most. I know his purpose was not to stay and that his being was filled with love from beginning to end. I know he opened doors in my heart and many others that may otherwise have stayed closed... But being pregnant now.. having complications.. on top of what I already know... just gets me sometimes.. It gets me deep in my soul. Blessed at everything still I understand it is not for me to decided. There is no "fair" and bad things sometimes happen to good people.. I wait.. and I wonder and I worry.. Every kick every checkup.. all the times I've already been scared..all the time willing my Jonathan to come home.. to be my forever child..

And then I see his face....... (pictured below) and light fills the dark tunnel again.

Joseph can you hear mommy? My arms still ache although you lifted them.. my heart still hurts.. but it yet so full. I miss you sweet baby Joe... love mom

Jonathan are you listening? Stay baby stay.. but let me know if you need me... I'll be here as I am now forever your mommy. I love you.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


There is nothing better than sleeping in your own bed with your husband and 2 dogs curled up for the night.. Thankfully I was sent home from the hospital and have been directed to modified bed rest at home. I am 27 weeks tomorrow and if we get extremely lucky my body will hold out for little Jon at least 8-10 weeks more. I am blessed because my work is allowing me to work from home and my house is all geared up so I have everything one could need at my fingertips.. literally. I look like my own personal geek squad. I have 2 cell phones, my lap top, keyboard adaptor, mini mouse, house phone, all the chords to plug in in case of battery failure.. My Doppler (of course) blood pressure machine, medicine to keep contractions at bay and YES my 2 wonderful dogs.. but all they do to help is drive by for kisses every now and then. I feel great and our guy is doing alright. They would like him to be a bit more active so I've taken to kick counts already and need 4 an hour. He does OK but I might slowly drive myself mad with worry if each one is "enough". I try to keep my arms moving and my legs flexed as to not atrophy too much.. All in all you will find me with a smile on my face and a determination beyond what I ever expected myself to have. Thanks for all the good wishes - the prayers and love WORK.. I go to the Dr 2x a week now.. once for NST and once for fluid check. I'll check back in soon.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are doing a great job holding your brother and checking in... you are amazing as always and there is not a moment that I don't think of you each day. Love you big boy.. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby stay and if you are in trouble you tell momma.. I am listening to you every step of the way - grow baby grow.. love you so very much, mommy

Saturday, January 8, 2011

9 days and counting

This is what I look like 9 days of laying in a bed later.. It makes me giggle.. the one who is always on the move.. can do anything.. no problem.. get out of my way.. has been laying down in various positions for 9 days. I have to say that there have been some trying times.. but most important things are going well for our Jonathan. He has continued to be monitored now and graduated to 3 times a day from 24X7. I am having an ultrasound in a few hours to determine if they let me leave this weekend OR if I am in for another week. I will be happy either way. I do miss my husband... dogs.. and giant king size bed but.. for missing those things I have gained piece of mind and great care. I feel really blessed to have be in a level 5 trauma hospital with top of the line Dr's and NICU... I could get used to the zoo feeding style that the hospital offers too. They feed you every 3 hours something and they keep it coming. My attitude is whatever it takes... no matter how long.. whatever turn the roller coaster takes.. I'm in and even though I'm laying down.. I am always on the move.. can do anything.. no problem.. get out of my way I'm having a healthy full term baby no matter what!

Joseph can you hear mommy? Thanks for my penny... I got it last night before bed. Very clever to have put it in my bed. You are amazing I miss you and love you, mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Tell us all you know in there... we are watching and waiting for you but not yet.. baby not yet.. stay put please. All my love, Mom.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Years and Bed Rest

I have had a start to the new year.... Started out with that little trip to the ER last week.. Ended up with me on full on bed rest at the hospital. As the clock struck 12 on Friday night I had already been admitted for what may end up being a long stay. Baby and I are doing fine and I love that my Dr's are just keeping things as cautious as they can to insure our safety. Little Jon's heartbeat keeps decelerating after I have contractions. They have given us steroids to beef up his little 25 week old lungs and things for me to lower my HB and get more blood flow to the placenta... They are not sure why but the deceleration happens "after" a contraction and those are the ones they don't like. Little Jon has recovered from each episode brilliantly though and as long as he jumps right back on the train again we may not have any issues. So.. for now I will be here at least another week. I've been in 5 days already.. I don't mind... I don't mind... Monitor me for as long as needed. It is nice to have the sweet sound of the beat of his heart now connected 24x7.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hold his hand and love him so we are not ready for your little brother yet so don't let him go. Love you special boy and miss you. All the nurses here remember you and love you so very much... mom

Little Jon are you listening? Baby grow... baby stay.. I love you I love you I love you all the way... Whatever it takes you and me will always be... mom.