Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Christmas again

Decorated the big boy place.. stayed to watch a little Arizona critter dig into a hole behind a rock near by. It was really a beautiful day. JJ came with us and left a matchbox truck. Paul and I stood in the awe of Joseph again. how can yet another year have gone by without our beautiful son? Less of the Why's question us and more of the wishes for a different outcome hone in. Watching our JJ touch Josephs foot and seeing how big his hand is in comparison causes reflection. Growth, cycles of grief. Each time I circle back it gets a little larger. longer gaps in between big boy place visits. less tears for no reason. I am softer.. So much softer. A kinder spirit. With each breath I wish for him.. but with knowing I understand it all. Finally the gravity all sunken in and only the choice to make continuous our hope.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you beautiful boy. I love you with so much of my heart. I feel your Christmas spirit and remember you always. To heaven and back... Mom

Friday, October 28, 2011

Doggie = not the dada

so for some time now little JJ has been talking up a storm. He talks to himself all the time in his crib and I often feel like he and his big brother are swapping stories of what life is like in heaven and on earth. Big J is teaching Little JJ how to communicate with me and be funny/silly so that I understand the difference between the two and how they work together to tag team me... I love the sparkle it gives me and feeling of awe when I notice that what I'm hearing is a practical joke from Joseph... delivered to his brother directly from heaven...

This is what I mean... JJ is very sweet very loving little boy who is serious and thoughtful like his dad. Joseph in my mind was a little "gus" bully that would steal your milk money at lunch and then be a class clown, like his momma. So Jonathan started talking a lot.. Dad... dadda.. daddee.. Being the mom I am still pushing hard for the momma daily.. telling him mom..mommie.. mommmmm so he can learn..

Yesterday JJ being held in my arms.. Reaches in so loving holds my cheeks in his two little hands.. leans in.. open mouth kisses me with slime and drool.. Pulls back Fast, Laughs and looks deep into my eyes... and says "Dogie" and then gives me a hug.


man being the "not the dada is hard" being the dogie? Oh well thanks Joseph for the jokes on mom.. telling the brother what to do and say to make me feel you..

God I love my boys... Man I love this life... Amazing

Friday, October 14, 2011

2 Years.. and a whole lot of love


2 years turns fast, quicker than tomorrow.
Love always lasts, and so does the sorrow.
Hand in hand they come, Love and despair.
They walk with one another, as a perfect pair.

Love brings warmth, confidence and cheer.
Despair cast doubt, pain and fear.
Without despair, love has no feeling.
Without Love, despair has no meaning.

neither of the pair, know about the concept of time.
Both know the good of innocence and the evil of crime.

Love sits high above the curtains, on top the valance.
Despair crawls on the floor, sits low, and keeps balance.
Without love, despair sits alone, in a two person booth.
Without despair, love is empty, and lacks real truth.

In that balance, between extreme pain and the perfect love.
In that challenge, of not drowning, keep a head above.

THIS is the space where someone can live forever.
Chaotic, yet lovely, it is what the universe really tells
about despair, perfect love and the balance felt...
To parent a child in heaven.

Joseph Henry Jean, I know you hear me sweet little one, my own. I miss you and love with all my heart. 2 years and still more for you and from you each day. I miss you, Mom.

Monday, October 10, 2011

14 and 8


14 years ago.. we decided to commit our lives together. Like most of you who read here.. for better or for worse. You already know what the worse is...

8 years ago we had a party.. A celebration of our love and married. We bonded our lives fully in the circle of life.

2 years ago this Friday we had our first born after many years of trying and hoping...
7 months ago we celebrated his brothers birth... our second child our rainbow.

There have not been a lot of "easy" days in these past 2 years... but I can tell you that united we stand for that better good of holding on.. Nobody can break our bond... not even death.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Yes.. that is you in there... with our love! We will celebrate your birthday with the Arizona walk to remember this year. All of our friends will be there along with your momalene, auntie Jill and of course mommy and daddy.. we love you sweet son. You amaze us.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hello God? It's me Grief again

I've been running at a pace that is too hard to keep. I've been making excuses as to why I don't have time to stop and think about Josephs 2nd birthday and the fact that he is in heaven. I stopped caring about the process of grieving for my son so that I could focus on JJ, my husband, my job, the dogs and frankly anything else that could distract me..

Yesterday Grief caught me again. It choaked me down and sucked out the wind in my sail. Held in terror that I was missing him so deaply I wept... at a stop light. Why does it always hit you in the car? How could I ignore the pain and burning in my heart of missing him for so long. Bleary eyed drove on...

HOW IN THE WORLD HAS IT BEEN 2 YEARS ALREADY?

deep breaths... deep breaths... it will all be ok. I need to honor my grief again.. talk about it.. and him. Bring back the good work I'd done getting to where I am... staying true to the feelings and love for my baby. I can feel the shine on the way as I yet again turn to the next chapter.... of all of our lives...


Joseph can you hear mommy? I am reminded of you in my heart everyday... as it beats with its love for you always. I miss you sweet child. I am still reaching heaven from earth with my focus. Love always, mom.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Time slips by.... so slowly, so fast

I can't believe Joseph's Second Birthday in Heaven is near. I celebrate Joseph on his actual birthday.. not the day he passed away... So October 15th is coming again as I know it will for years to come... and the time has pass so slowly. I find myself saying that I can't believe it has been two years and yet two years have flown by so fast. My neighbor across the street from me named Sofie may sum this up the best. Her daughter died at the age of 2 48 years ago. On her daughters birthday each year she told me that she looks in the mirror and See's herself now a great grandmother and a new mother holding her 2 year old daughter in her arms. She can see the lines on her face as the passage of time, real time has gone by.. but the reflection shines inward and instead of the place she is in real life.. she is standing beside her true self.. the one with the baby in her arms again. I imagine this feeling is so true for us all. Time has not been kind to those mothers who did not have BLM's to blog with or friends to have birthday party's for and Walks to remember their babies.. but - Kind to us all in a new way that time can pass so slow in our hearts and fast as the days and months flash in front of us.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you sweet baby Joe.. my heart fills with your light each day as I reach heaven in my dreams and kiss your sweet face goodmorning. May my love for you stay slow... so you savor each moment until I see you again sweet boy... mommy.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Hospital Suck



It takes your breath away.. it knocks you down to your knees again... No oxygen can fill your lungs when you have to go to the hospital with your child. I have been there already.. I have been there too much.. I have seen so much suffering. I can't do it again.. and yet there I was pushing the tube down JJ's nose. I saw myself standing next to the crib... Sick with hospital worry. He is fine now and home again but this time with an NG tube. He does not care about it - he is just fine. All the tests run negative. He just lost weight.. and then did it again the next week. So here we are, almost 6 months old. finally back to 14lbs. Hospitals suck the life out of you... and leave you crusty, broken, tired, and weary. Grow my little man.. grow.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I smelled you there.. felt the pressure and willing of your body for your brother.. Oh how I miss you sweet baby... If only... if only...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Every Ounce Counts


With all the feeding issues our little dude has had from go... he is gaining weight again! Feeding therapy, GI specialist combo has finally started to work.. Knock on Wood we hope to be leaving behind this minor (although annoying) complication. Like a prize fighter we weigh in every Sunday to chart the growth. Still in the 7th percent.. YES hence the term Little in our dude.. he is strong.. He like Mighty mouse saves the day every time he pushes to eat that "extra" ounce. We have started him on solids a bit early to help. If he has a bad bottle we get to try to spoon feed him oatmeal.. His willingness to give it a try is so cute.. He smile so wide that you can almost feel the cheers from around the world each chance he has at a successful feeding. So proud I am and so thankful to have the care we do for him... As he so playfully lays here talking to himself in the mirror I smile and hope and begin to dream of moving past the reflux worry. Go Jonathan... you can do it Mr. Amazing.

Joseph can you hear momma? keep the pressure on to help your little brother grow strong and forward. I keep seeing you hold his hand in strength and support as he masters yet another skill and milestone

Sunday, July 24, 2011

He Sleeps


In the midst of reflux so bad that he could not eat...but a few ounces...
he sleeps.
In my arms wrapped with worry and fright for him...
he sleeps.
In my dreams I see my two sons playing here on earth...perfect, healthy.
I wonder...
Is that was he sees when..
he sleeps?

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Heat Grief


As the dust kicks up in the thick heat of summer in the desert...I feel suffocated... Hot wind smacks me in the face and does not offer relief. No perspiration because it evaporates too quickly.. I am hot.. tired and irritated by just about everything. Another oven temperature wave of heat blasted me in the face yesterday... equally hot tears of grief spilled from my eyes... Joseph on my mind. The ever present offering of Why questions pleading from my lips again.. Why did he die? Why didn't they save him.. Why didn't my Dr. know that I needed him out a week before? Then the Choking Ifs ... IF IF IF IF. I sat vacuum sealed in my car not wanting to turn on the air as punishment for it.. Self deprivation won't bring him back I know but in those moments of grief.. nothing can change your mind that somehow all those questions will be answered and you will have your baby back.... if.. 20 months later and I am still surprised at my grief. It springs up and puts you down even when the days are filled with gratefulness. It brings you to your knees while the most precious things.. the sweetest times of my life are still going on. Heat grief... the only thing I can call it, came and went...Left me dry and salty. I miss my son. I miss my son.


This Dust Storm passed... the rage of it all gone... empty and spent again.. the grief subsided...love filled my lungs... I took a deep breath and smiled again.

Joseph can you hear mommy? There is more love for you than any word can describe. I feel you angel watching over us and as I wrap myself in your light love you endlessly... mommy

Sunday, June 26, 2011

All the way from heaven


He came down to be with us.. all the way from heaven.. and the baby in heaven smiled on as the family played yesterday. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the beauty shown by my son Joseph.. he is all around us.. watching.. laughing.. hoping.. loving. I can see him in the sunshine just past Jonathan's smile.. Do you see it? The pure beauty in one look. The silence of the moment captured without a thought. brothers together, forever and always... All the way from heaven.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt your love all day and know how much fun you had while we swam. I see you here in the shine and glow of heavens love. You are amazing baby.. with love.. mommy

Friday, June 24, 2011

Sister


Here is my sister.. she holds a special place in my heart. She and I have been apart 14 years.. That will never happen again. Reconnecting... loving.. and holding tight to all what we know and have.. never letting go.. Love

Friday, June 10, 2011

As far as my heart goes...

Sometimes when I feel my heart beating... It reaches to heaven and back before it beats again. Often my heart fills with such joy... My heart over time larger. It has big patches of comfort sprinkled with sorrow still. I never knew how complex the heart to be. It is greedy and I'm glad about it. It is soft for compassion. It knows when to push on and when to fall back. It releases the ability for love.. in any form.. to understand how unconditional and simple everything really is. As far as my heart goes.. there is no greater love than my family. With my husbands arms wrapped around and Jonathan cradled in tight by my side... Our hearts beat back to heaven to kiss our sweet Joseph and surround ourselves in this light.

As far as my heart goes.. there is limitless love.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Built in Birth Control

She needs us.. all of us.. Lisa at Built in.. Her twin rainbow babies.. born and passed today. I am as I'm sure any or all of you who read this have heavy hearts for her. Loss on loss... Please reach out to her if you can.. builtinbirthcontrol@gmail.com

Read her story.. Twin Girls gone to soon and now.. Twins again this time a boy and a girl.. http://www.builtinbirthcontrol.com/



Leave her a message.. Tell her you love her as I know you do. She needs us.

Brandy

Friday, June 3, 2011

Stepping out



I am taking another leap ahead of grief and life after having my rainbow baby. I go back to work on Monday. Yes.. but not sadly I go. I've been in this house for so long.. with grief as my wing man.. then hope as my guide.. now baby in my arms but, I'm ready. I got my clothes out.. ironed and ready.. I will fix my hair this weekend as to not show my age too badly. I will put makeup on daily again. I will return to the road as a warrior of all that there has been in my life a different person. The little things just don't matter to me at work... So what if someone is a little late.. or that driver cut me off on the way in.. I don't care anymore if my coffee is cold or if I won't get that "prefered" parking spot. I've got my big girl pants on and am so ready to be THAT girl again. the one with confidence.. the one with Joy and pride.. The one who they look at and say good things about. I am no longer she who lost a child.. I am the one who was brave enough to try again and sucseed. I am the one who faced down all adversity and in my option with honor. I have worn my emotions on my sleeve. I have not hidden from the pain or the reality. I never chose this life.. but I am damn proud of it.. I will be there Monday.. at work.. and although you may not know it by looking at me.. Strong.. With every beat of my heart determination and courage ring out. I swallow my fears and spit them back out with proof that it is my choosing.. to move on.. and forward. Stepping out again with grace. See you soon new world and look out.. nothing can stop me.. Not death.. not fear.. not sadness.. not worry.. not YOU because it is ME who is living.

Friday, May 27, 2011

The good.. the bad.. the ugly


Yes I am so excited that my rainbow baby is here. No.. I did not get postpartum depression like I thought I would.. Yes this baby is a tough cookie. No.. it is not fun right now. My life today is absolutely everything I've always wanted and then nothing like I thought it would be.
Our little JJ has Acid Reflux. What I thought was colic was not.. it was an extreme case of the burning.. hurting.. cry himself to sleep stuff. I spend most of my days with worry that he is not getting enough to eat.. then if there is anytime left if I've done enough for him to sooth his hurting body. My baby Wants to be so happy. If we are not eating.. burping.. doing tummy time or sleeping.. he does smile and tries like hell to eat even though it hurts.
We have a GI specialist that we will see soon. Until then we are holding on for this ride. I am not complaining. I am seriously in love with this child.. BUT I am also ready for this to end. It may take months for him to outgrow this and I'm here to say BOO. We start each day with such promise. He takes Prevacid and some dark karo syrup (so it does not bind him up) We wait and hope.. and then begin to feed him. Some feedings are ok.. no screaming.. Others will tear your heart out of your chest. Sometimes he eats well.. Others he tosses it all across the room. We never know what is going to happen I've seen milk come out this child's eyes.. nose.. mouth.. I've literally held him as he gasps for air and chokes. I have cried many many times and prayed for relief. I've fed him in the tub.. lap.. boppy.. sling.. while walking.. singing.. talking.. with the vacuum on or the TV up. I've just about exhausted everything in the "fussy baby" book to try...

Yes.. this is a growing thing.. YES it will get better.. No I'm not a quitter.. and No I'm not complaining.. I just wish this poor kid could eat a ton of food and feel good about it... Although I understand a Mothers love all too well.. it has a new level of importance when your child is here. is hurting.. and you sometimes can't comfort him. No I'm sure he'll be fine.. Just wishing for today instead of tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

More Penny

When you have a rainbow born on the same day of the month as the child who is in heaven.. your milestones and remembrance days get mixed up and all mashed together. Joseph and Jonathan born on the 15th of the month. Now I know that once Jonathan is over a year.. we won't be counting down those monthly milestones as much and this will get easier but... right now it is a little hard. Yesterday we had every intention on going to "the big boy place" to have another picture of my boys together and to celebrate JJ's 2 months and Josephs 20 month anniversary. Needless to say we did not make it out there. It is only 5 miles down the road and we didn't get there? Yes I know things happen and priority is for our little guy at home but emotionally that was hard on me. I wanted to get there. I tried to get here.. I needed to be there and yet.. did not. Silent tears fall. As I choked them back and finished the things that needed to be done around the house before a new week began.. I found it.. another Penny. It was in the laundry with the towels.. Yes with the towels so no possible way it could have slipped from a coat or pants pocket.. It was not in there when I put the towels in to dry.. In fact we never herd the clang of it as the dryer tumbled.. So I got my boy on HIS day anyway. In the midst of grief and worry over not being there for my "big boy" he was there for me.. AGAIN.

Joesph can you hear mommy? More pennies please.. they make me feel happy and clam. they let me know you are sending kisses down to me.. and I am thankful. I miss you so much sweet guy.. My baby boy.. Always love, mom.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Safe



The safe place in my heart over loves... The safe place in my mind over thinks... The safe place in my image feels young.. the safe place in my relationships over kind.. The safe place in my house over stays... the safe place doesn't worry or wonder.

Turn the what ifs off.. it is.. and enjoy your loves..your thoughts... your image..your friends...your family.. your welcome. Move over doubt there is only room for positive!

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel safe with you in heaven..tucked in tight with God. Sleeping with other angel babies.. but I miss you and often feel you close.. close enough to touch. Reaching my smile to heaven..arms out.. Love mom.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Family history




That is me... when I was 12... I am holding my first nephew, Tommy. My sister Jill gave birth young and we were really close growing up. She now lives across the street and can be seen in this same position as I was then.. now with my son. There is so much history in our family.. I started with this picture as Tommy is my sisters first born.. and my family's first baby (after me as I WAS the baby). He brought joy to us all.. My sister was very young when she had him 19 and it seemed impossible that everything would be alright.. but you see it is.. all right..and it happened as it should have for her.. Happy times.. good memories and lots of family time.

There is another type of history in our family... coincidences some may call it.. They say history has a way of repeating itself? Just happened to do so for us.. only many many years apart and sooner for me than for others..

Paul's dad died... he was only 26.. he had a heart condition... he was his mothers first born baby.. and only boy.. He carried the Jean name and gave it to Paul and was able in his short life to also have 2 other children.. Paul's brother and Sister.. Eric and Michelle. Paul's grandmother.. now great grandmother to JJ had to endure loosing her first born son. Although he was older.. she knows what it is like to have loss.. and misses him daily. She was a pillar of hope for me in my darkest days... to show that love will go on and that we will have other children (she had 4 girls after that)

JJ is now the littlest, Jean and the only boy to carry on the name right now (unless we have another or if Paul's brother has kids)

And Yet.. another type of history on my side... My Dad.. lost his brother (the first born son) Uncle bud... was 45 when he died of a brain tumor. He was outlived by my grandfather, Grandy. Although Grandy did not live to meet Joseph I know what it feels like to outlive your first born...

Like I said.. history of our family is good.. but does have some coincidence.. You never put it all together.. but you know that it all means something.. We have the first born, Bernie in heaven getting to parent Joseph the way he would have his sons here on earth and watch him grow as he was not able to with my husband... Uncle Bud who's had 3 sons (all living with children) Also able to hold my sweet little ones hand and help him grow as only I know he could do.. would do if here still with us..

So many angels.. so different a time... So many happy times that came from such uncertainty.. we all prevail.. we all overcome.. we all have our issues/problems and worry.. we all have our darkest moments and our greatest hours..

We all have family history that makes us who we all are now and shapes our lives and our children here on earth as well as those in heaven.

I always end with love.. with arms reached out to the sky for him.. As he is cared for by so many other angles..

Joseph can you hear mommy? Give your grandfather a hug from me today.. tell your great uncle that we miss him and hope you have reached him... Rock with your Great Grandy.. I love you my son... Mom.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

May 1



May 1.. our day.. Our day to be mothers to those babies in heaven. Our day to talk about what it means to be a mother to a son or daughter in heaven. Our time to let everyone know that heaven is real and that bad things still can happen to good people. Yes our day to voice our wishes to have a day.. all our own.. to share with others and to join together the voice to be recognised as mothers.. in loss and in hope. For those of you who read this blog that also endure the cruelty of infertility and the shame of having NOT being recognised as a Mother.. I am truly sorry. I've had the support of an army to get me here.. 19 months later. To grieve out loud.. To voice my sorrow and my joy.. The choice to be happy in the face of all this LOSS is hard. But it is a choice... some days you have to bring your own sunshine.. Some days you have to stand in the rain alone and weep. All days you should stand proud that you are a mother.. you are a mother to an angel.. and you will one day parent that child along side your breast as you meet again.. May 1.. your angel wings fly from earth to reach your baby.. to touch his or her hand and simply kiss the soft face once more. Envision yourself a guide... to the greater good.. For all that there is.. always will be Love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Thank you for making me a mom. My heart.. my love.. my everything to my first born babe.. the apple of my eye and the one who captures my heart...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Guardian Angel


Feeling just like this song by Leah West.... Turn up the Volume and just listen.. and if you don't have music for your computer.. go to Google.. Search Guardian Angel by Leah West.. Enjoy my Friends.. This is for all you BLM's.. for all of us searching for rainbows and for those whose rainbows have graced us with the gift. My big heart is open today.. feeling the Angel Joseph so very much today and always...

** I think to myself all the time... Jonathan must know something.. about his brother.. and I can't wait to find out what it is or what he may keep as his own special bond...

Little baby up in heaven says to God
"do I really have to go?"
God Replies "yes it is your time to leave
but don't you worry you won't be there alone
You see there is someone who's been waiting for you
Quietly hoping and praying for your sweet and safe arrival
Down to Earth.

Everyone is born with a guardian Angel
and on her wings she'll let you soar
Higher than you thought was possible
She'll love you and protect you line no other
and your guardian angel has a name...
You can call her Mother.....

Oh my.....

Monday, April 18, 2011

Joseph Dream


I love dreams.. especially the ones where Joseph is there.. I had one last night.. and I woke with tears in my eyes.. It was perfect.. and right and beautiful. The dream was brief but I remember every second. We were in our living room (all of us.. Paul, Jonathan the dogs and me) I had JJ on tummy time and was watching over him.. Paul sat in our rocking chair and on his shoulder what Joseph... He spoke.. He said "I'm going to wear diapers until I'm 128 years old" We all laughed and Paul smiled at me while I looked up just in time to catch Josephs sweet face.. His little nose and perfectly big cheeks.. I winked at him... My wink must have caught that tear that slipped from my eye as I rose to feed our JJ again. I spent the next hour playing this over and over and over again in my mind.. yes he will be 128 and still in diapers.. but also that he is so loved and gifted to seek us in our dream.. to play a little joke and to give me some rest. Ah, the gift of him. I've been waiting for this dream for almost a year.. as he has been silent when I rest. Grateful that I woke to him again. big warm snugly love.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

4 weeks 40 weeks


JJ is 4 weeks old.. and officially full term. I'm testing out the nickname...JJ I seem to like it better.. So far I call him JJ and "little squeeker" because he squeeks when he eats.. Speaking of eating.. Our guys suck/swallow is just not there yet. He eats.. all breast milk but chokes.. spits.. gulps and then spits up after every feeding.. I have myself now wondering if he is gaining any weight.. I ordered a baby scale for preemies.. not here yet.. so I worry everyday. He seems Okay other than the colic. Yes I've got the Colic baby.. Grip water.. Mylicon cocktails.. are in full swing. My Dr tells me that he will grow out if this in another week or so as he is now full term and should be able to do the things that he was having trouble with before. I will have to video tape him "grunting" so you guys can hear it.. It is funny and sad at the same time.. He sounds like an old man! Anyway - I love our guy and have settled into sleepless nights pretty well.. Don't worry I get some rest.. just not in a row yet.. He is growing and I know it will just take time. These have been the hardest and BEST 4 weeks of my life.. Looking forward to every changing step and whatever he brings to our life. I am also looking forward to feeding every 4 hours instead of 3 (one more week) Whew...

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you can little guy.. I think of you every day and love you more with each passing moment.. As I know now what I missed with you it makes me sad.. you should be 19 months now... running laughing and getting into trouble while I try to care for your little brother.. Sometimes when we are up at night I feel the calm.. is that you my son? All my love mom.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The boys...


As we settle into being home.. it is so full of life again.. what once felt like a time warp has caught up to the inertia again. The place where we held our breath for 8 full months has air... our worried smiles and tense nights gone... replaced with well worried smiles and sleepless nights but all for good this time. It has been so long since I've seen my husband smile... really smile.. really love and really feel "happy". He misses Joseph so much.. as we all do but I think it is different for him.. deeper in some ways because it just is... and then to watch his wife suffer the loss and be set back and beat down again and again as we struggled every day for our second born... The relentless care I received from him.. the love and the ability he had to continue to drive us forward and take me with him... results of tenacity... and now.. the boys.. with Joseph on his heart.. Jonathan in his arms I am so in awe..

Friday, April 1, 2011

The warm Heart


Jonathan has this little thing... that he does that I know.. he is thinking of his brother.. and telling me that he "knows". He points his right index finger to the sky... Often when we are doing mommy to chest time and always when we are feeding him. It is like when he is getting the greatest comfort... he points his little finger high to the sky to say... See brother we are thinking of you and I will always know you... Mommy and Daddy miss you sweet brother and love both of us the same.. You know and I know something they don't.. won't and that is okay by me... Such a sweet little thing he does.. I don't pretend to "know" this is what is really going on.. but It is a neat little thought on a tiny perfect man.. loving his brother and making our hearts full.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Significance of One Five


.

We took Jonathan to Joseph's Big Boy Place today...
I cried...
We put our boys together... again. So Joseph could be the proud big brother we all know he is..
I wept...

There is so much more to this story... the one that began on the 15th of October in 2009.. The day our first born made his way into this world only to touch down so briefly. He stained our hearts with love forever.. not knowing then the power of his number 1 and 5.

Joseph held his brothers hand the entire 8 months of my pregnancy.. He kept him safe in heaven until he let go his Jonathan and delivered him into our arms... Also on the 1 and 5. He knew he needed to get him here.. safe and the only date he knew to do that was the 15th..

I am in awe of him.

The boys are 18 months apart "exactly" and again... they show the power and the significance of all of our journey.. of all of our hope of all of our everything.

The SAME Dr.. who delivered the horrible news regarding Josephs brain and lack of oxygen and the need to let him go... was there... to discharge Jonathan from the hospital (different hospital) You see.. the circle of life came around even for the Dr's involved in my life.. Our story touched her so deeply she came to Josephs funeral... and then took our picture to show the world... that we made it round... Of course it was her... Of course she had just transferred to the hospital Jonathan was just delivered in.. Of course she remembered us.. Amen.

I can't say enough about the power of our One and Five.. but I can tell you that this is just yet another Peek into what really has changed our lives..

For all that there is bad there is good. for all that there are no answers for... the answers come.. For everything needed to be known.. is.. For there is love

My boys.. together you are unstoppable.. One and Five... One and Five...Love mom

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Sliding into home..



It began... on Tuesday morning.. contractions that felt a little harder than normal.. I had a Dr. apt late that afternoon so I thought I write down the times of each.. I was having about 5-6 per hour. I went to the Dr... he took one look at me and said... Mom, you look like you are having a bad day lets put you in the hospital overnight and monitor the baby.. Okay by me.. knowing in a few short days he was to arrive... what a better way to spend the time.. being watched. I got in around 6pm and they checked all the "stuff".. the Dr. on call said.. I'm not sure I like these.. I was having contractions every 3 or so min now... She suggested we do an Amnio and if it was clear we would have our little guy on Wednesday.. Okay I thought just a few days short. After the Amnio even more contractions this time... labor for real.... (more later on this story) Needless to say by 10 I was being prepped for the C-section no time to wait for the results of amnio.. off we went..

I have to say I had a great C-Section .. I was awake no drugs other than the spinal block of course... He came out so easy.. and I got to hear him cry.. OH THAT NOISE BROUGHT ME TO MY KNEES... He cried... My SON cried.. my forever child... His scores were 6 and 8 on APGAR.. not to bad for a 35 weeker.. He did great at first and then got really tired.. They had to take him to the NICU...

Jonathan had to be put on a C-PAP machine to push the air in and out of his lungs.. but no extra oxygen was needed... he was doing great.. We spent the better part of 2 days this way and then...... ready to come off only to find that he did not know yet how to eat... This process went the way of feeding tube.. and then slowly slowly to bottle..

I am skipping a bunch of detail to keep the story short.. After 1 week.. He was allowed to come home to us. Today is the most wonderful day of my life. I am so happy and so grateful.. and just SO everything MORE than I ever have known.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You did it little guy.. You landed your brother safely in our arms.. you carried him with you in heaven until he was ready to begin... His life exactly 18 mos to the day you were born. Heaven is wonderful. you are amazing and I am So in love with you. Mommy.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Almost Home


Hi there everyone, this is Jill again. Wanted to give you a quick update on Jonathan and share a photo. Brandy and Jonathan are doing wonderfully and both are expected to be home Tuesday. I have been to the hospital everyday to see my beautiful nephew and to share in the joy with both Brandy and Paul. My baby sister is awesome!! Jonathan is absolutely the most gorgeous baby I have ever seen. His little noises are so cute. Brandy sometimes refers to him as her "little squeaker". Her smile is so big and her eyes sparkle so beautifully. We are truly blessed. I am sure once she is home and settled that she will be filling you all in on the details of the past week and of course sharing more photos.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Arrival

Hello everyone!! This is Jill, Brandy's sister, and I have some very exciting and happy news to share. Jonathon Cooper Jean came into this world at 10:40 pm on March 15. He weighs in at 6 lbs, 3 oz. and is 19 inches long. He has lots of hair and is absolutely beautiful. Brandy is doing great and we are so very proud of her. It has been a long night and we hope to have pictures to post later today or tomorrow. She wanted to make sure that everyone following her blog received the wonderful news.

Monday, March 14, 2011

ER and the CT

As if the journey not long enough.. hard enough.. worried enough.. we had some more drama late last Thursday. I went to bed normal time no issues and was really looking forward to the nights rest. I started tasting blood. At first I thought how strange maybe because the temperature here in the west has gotten hot again.. dry again.. I thought for a second I had a nose bleed (that I have never had in my life). I asked my husband for a tissue and that is when the coughing began. As if uncontrollable .. I shook and coughed and coughed blood poured up from my lungs. I soaked tissue after tissue in terror.. Where is all the blood coming from? I don't feel sick.. Scared is NOT the word here.... we were in the OB triage in less than 15 min. The Dr. came in and said.. baby looks fine.. We are extremely worried now for your life..? What? why? You could have a pulmonary embolism (Blood clot) on the lung.... they whisked me to the regular ER... As I sat holding my belly tears for both me and my husband.. Can it be that my body is shutting down? Into a CT scan. For those of you who don't know. CT requires radiation. Now I'm facing a life threatening blood clot.. radiating Jonathan. I had a panic attack so large that I thought if the blood clot did not kill me... the attack would. I felt the warm iodine solution into every blood vessel of my body.. I got the pictures they needed.. I cried Oh how very hard.. I begged them for a Doppler to check my baby.. A full 5 min later.. Lub dub.. lub dub.. he was fine... As I shelpt back out of the attack and calmed myself down.. blood shot eyes of the man who has endured more than even I thought possible to do... looking down at me.. WE are fine.. No blood clot.. Thank you god.. Jonathan is fine except now has been through radiation already. I am spent.. I am tired.. I am glazed with exhaustion. There is a reason the journey so hard.. so rough .. so ridiculously long I know.. I will bring Proof to this world that anything is possible.. I will bring my rainbow baby home... As I have stated before NOTHING will stop me. Nothing.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I packed your sweet face into the overnight bag.. to take with us to see you and your brother together.. your love and protection shines.

Jonathan are you listening? Not even a possible blood clot can stop me from you.. nothing our bond too strong will withstand the test of time.. I love you infinity.. mommy.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I can see Hope

I don't know about you but these 35 weeks have been so long that I think we have all aged 10 years. I think it is because I've been following a lot of BLM blogs who have already had rainbows... So I've lived their pregnancy as well as mine extending the amount of time it feels like I've been pregnant! With all that has happened in these many many months.. I honestly did not think I'd make it to the 35 week! So significant after staring down the face of having a 24 weeker....holding onto hope that I could get to 30... then 32 and now seeing that page.. show 35 delights the hope for one more week! Tomorrow I have a growth ultrasound on Jonathan and we are hoping that he will be a little over 5 lbs. Next week we will have our amnio on Thursday and hope again that his little lungs are mature so we can deliver on Friday the 18th... 12:30pm (az time) Seems like a dream to get this far. I have been to the triage 3x over the past 7 days... due to contractions and today they will take me off the niphetapin that is keeping those at bay. My Dr said to let me contract and see if I actually roll into labor. If that happens he could just make an appearance before Friday! When you can actually see hope all days become your own.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Your gifts keep rolling and your sweet face is all around me. I love you dear one... so deeply - mom.

Jonathan are you listening? one more week baby.. one more.. wiggle and move and grow as much as you can.. we are coming for you .. in my arms so soon.. all of my love mommy.

Monday, March 7, 2011

My Furry Faced Child...

11 years ago my husband and I finally had a house with a backyard and could get a dog. Significant because we had wanted so badly to have one.. neither of us had the chance to grow up with a dog due to one thing or another. We were so excited and had NO clue how to go about this whole thing... so we looked in the paper.. I KNOW now how terrible that decision was but.. hey we never will make that mistake again... unless it is a rescue add. Anyway - we pulled into what turned out to be a puppy mills home.. Lab was the 5th or so breed of dog they just "happened" to have available as a puppy this time. Out of the door bounded this black ball of perfection.. She had long ears.. and simply sat on my husbands foot.. She was to be ours forever. Little did we know she was a mixed breed (yes we were scammed) but I'm so happy she became ours. We nursed her back to health and she became our world that day.. she still is. I've always had a furry faced daughter and she no more thinks she is a dog then I do.

Emma girl is now in the eve of her life. A few weeks ago she stopped eating.. we changed her diet and got her all the love an attention we could at the vet. They told us her little blood levels for pancriatitus and liver were not good.. She simply is just old. She had been eating the new food we got her but not enthusiastically ... she is slowing down. her sparkle is gone but not completely.. She loves.. she cuddles and she shines in my heart. She sleeps now 22 hours a day only to get up for a slow bark or a quick drink.. maybe to step outside but barley. I have been home for so many weeks... seeing her change has seemed so sudden. I suspect she has been doing this a lot longer than I've known...

I sit with little tears for her as I see she is holding on.. for us... for the baby.. for something.. not sure yet what. I keep hoping she will turn it around that she will spunk up and run over in her regular way.. I know that is not likely.. I know that her time may be nearing the end... With Grace I will let her go.. My First child.. although furry faced... she has been such a blessing in our lives..

Emma: You have kissed every tear I've had.. you have shown me such love and care.. Your sweet face forever makes me smile. Let us know when it is time for you to go.. we will go with you and hold you until you leave this place. I think all dogs go to heaven.. and you will meet your brother Joseph. That thought makes me smile.. You can help me mother him from there.. little lady loo whoo.. it is okay to let go.. you are brave and strong.. the leader of our house.. the one who rules the roost and keeps track of time (and cookies) She who seeks out the best in us.. we now do the same for you. All of my love..mom.

Emma will go to the hospital tomorrow.. and we will wait and see.. and wait and see.. I pray for peace for this most precious of animals.. she has been the most perfect joy in our lives for so long.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The 2WW


I remember posting about my 2WW between the time I did IVF and when we could test to see if it was successful back in July. At that time I was still so deep in the grief of losing Joseph and then having had a miscarriage that those days went fast. I was so detached.. distracted and well.. it was easy. here I am 8 months later doing the 2WW for our Jonathan's arrival and well.. still terrified.. but I have found ways to manage. I have survived sub-chorionic bleeding for 10 weeks.. finding out our little guy has enlarged kidneys.. Hospital for preterm labor and some scary heart issues (now resolved) with him as well. I have been on 12 weeks of bed rest.. been on the cusp of early delivery due to too much fluid and blood pressure issues.. Found myself in the swallows of dismay.. worry and guilt. I have tested my strength in everything I believe in and pushed my body to be pregnant for 21 months out of 25. I have learned to parent my son in heaven.. honor him and find a way to separate my boys to insure Jonathan knows he was always wanted.. and was not brought into this world becuase of loss.. We planned on him always. I have listened to countless people tell me that they don't understand why I try so hard to have a baby.. as if undeserving becuase of infertility.. and on the flip side seen the best of mankind in those that follow this blog and me in my journey. As I enter this last of the 2WW I somehow can erase all that has happened.. all that there was and just love. In the end.. that is all there is.. Love.. for our babies in heaven.. for our children of hope. for our friends and for our family.. love.. and the thankfulness that I am the one chosen for this life..filled with it.

Friday, February 25, 2011

I'm okay mom

Rain fell across Arizona for a few days and cleared more than just the dust from the rooftop. I cleanse was filtered across my mind. Spending days in a chair or bed have not been kind to my worry. I let it wonder to far from reality. Truth is I find power in the rain. Knowing that I reeled it back in.. my worry that is.. Joseph continues to show me the way to Jonathan and he helps is little brother with all his might. Once I stopped thinking about the what if.. and when.. Little reminders of him imprint back into my heart and sight. With each kick I feel stronger as if they are somehow both in there.. telling me mom.. we are both okay.. we are both.. OK. Today I got a strong reminder..We are all going to be okay, Johnathan and Joseph included.. Below is a picture of our sweet Rainbow hope ever present after the rain.. The rainbow shines. Look at his hand.. He is making the OK sign..with it. So cute.. So needed .. so loved.. Perfect. I have 21 days to go and finally feel like nothing can stop us now.

Jonathan Cooper - I'm OKAY


Joseph and Jonathan... I don't even have to ask... and YES this time I know you hear me and you are listening.. Our family stronger than any other forever together... love mom

Friday, February 18, 2011

The 10

So for a long while I have not discussed the issues going on with our precious little rainbow.. He continues to grow and stay inside just enough that the Dr's let me stay at home on bed rest but... not doing good enough for him not to get checked 2x a week.. His kidney (the right one) has been misbehaving.. and has grown to a 10 or really a 1.0 but whatever they call it the 10. Ten means.. that things are not getting better.. they have gotten a little worse.. He has been measuring between 7-8 and then 9 last week.. today 10.. Still the Dr's will not do anything now but wait. If they get any worse we will deliver even earlier. I know we are looking at some time in the NICU with this little one and It breaks my heart.. I'm preparing.. but the 10 is not something I wanted to see.. Kind of made his issue real.. This whole time I thought well it could just fix itself. The reality is hard. He also has these little bouts of sleep (when they try to do the NST of course) His little heart just beats and beats but does not accelerate good for them nor does he move. Today we spent an hour on the monitor trying to get him to go.. we buzzed him with the stimulator and nothing.... finally I ate some sugar and he moved a bit... JUST enough to allow us to come home and not go to the hospital... There is no comfort to me in that.. Not that I want to go to the hospital but letting me leave after all the time of worry and the news of the kidney.. just... makes me stand on high alert. I am letting go of the worry but you know.. I can smile with tears streaming. I am never going to say why me.. It is not in my nature to give into the fears.. It's just one of those days.. where you want to say COME ON - Enough already.. let there be peace.

I will follow with the wonderful news of 4 plus lbs.. he is growing right on track and has all the right stuff to make it... 28 days to go. We can do it together.. But I need everyone.. I just do.

Joseph can you hear mommy? sweet angel of mine.. I love you and I Miss you.. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Hang tight.. it won't be long now.. we love you so so very much. mommy.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Rambles..

I have a friend.. only I don't know her name.. we meet 2x a week in the High risk doctors office.. it is strange.. she has told me her name but I always forget.. and what is even stranger? She and I were in the hospital together a month ago talking about how we were due on the same day... She is having twins, Via IVF and we have the same RE... I know seems odd that someone like me who ALWAYS "knows" a name could possibly just forget here.. I am so focused on her twins and her ever growing belly and now well, too much time has passed for me to ask again. Perhaps I'll just have her spell her name so I can find her on FB.. Anyway, I saw my "friend" again today and she is doing fine... Her Twins are fine and her problems have gone away except she is still on bed rest too.. I'm happy when I see her.. we talk about our Dr.. now about our High Risk team.. the hospital staff where we will both deliver.. our babies and it is just nice.. nice to have someone who is exactly where I am except for ONE big thing.. She has never had a loss.. and I just can't bring myself to terrify anyone who is already scared to death and in a dr office. So I just don't say anything.. She'll be alright.. we will be alright.. I'll be alright - Somehow.

I said it would be a ramble post and it is.. I've discussed before how I see someone to talk about my grief and help get me through this pregnancy.. someone who understands when I have a night terror and sudden feelings of loss that don't exist.. Oh yeah and now phantom pains of the c-section I had over 16 months ago can seem so real when you are in the thick of it.. Anyway - my therapist thinks I may need medication.. I'm slipping into a hole of panic (at night) and that may be the answer? I refuse Tylenol so I don't think I can do it.. and yet - if it will help me get the last 33 days done w/o so much wonder in my mind.. I think maybe..

Anyway - I'm holding tough.. Bed rest is no fun.. we owe in taxes and I had to watch the tax prepare guy erase Josephs name from our family.. (heart sank deep sigh) I knew it was coming but still.. ugggg. All in All I've got it better than most waiting on my rainbow to come in ..

Joseph can you hear mommy? LOVE.. and you are my family my heart my always - forever my son and my child - mom

Jonathan are you listening? Hang in there baby I love you.. keep growing and kicking and wiggling and holding on.. you are doing so good - I promise I am a fun mom.. despite a few of the crazy attacks I've had lately - Love forever mommy.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Plan

I know that even the best plans change... but I am really hoping that this one does not. We left our Dr. apt on Friday with a game plan for little Jonathan. If everything continues to go as it is now.. I will go to the Hospital on March 17th for an Amnio... if his lungs are ready.. we will DELIVER on March 18th!!! I am so excited as that date will get us to 36 weeks and it the ultimate goal for me. There is no chance of V-back because of my "window". There is no hope of labor as they do not want anything to contract or pressure my placenta.. It will just be.. Amnio and delivery!! There is no question about If or when and that is good.. I am elated.. and terrified. As many of you know there are no guarantees but... I am very happy we have a plan. There is comfort in "knowing" a date... a goal.. something to strive for and forge yourself toward. I've created an "Advent" calendar of sorts to help me visualise the progress.. Everyday is a good day..he is growing with me. Our parents have been called. Arrangements are being made for the big day.. This makes me SMILE.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hold your brothers hand and help him hang tight.. you are helping us so much sweet little one and yes I received your penny.. Funny that you put it in the sink.. Love mom.

Jonathan are you listening? Jonathan Jean... Jonathan Jean.. prettiest baby I've ever seen... Keep up those kicks.. I love seeing your sweet face inside.. I can only imagine what it will be like to feel you on the outside.. Love mommy

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Over a year ago..

I read this and then added to it over a year ago... Really hits home now.. Even in darker times I knew what was needed in order to move forward with him in my heart... Taken in part from a poem by Daniel Ladinsky and ... part by me, his mom.

Joseph Henry Jean... Yours was the heart I could have cared most for in this world and yours was the heart that I hoped would always so care for me. For caring, I have learned, is a great gift. My precious, beautiful boy, how briefly we were close, and how sad I still become; a blessed sadness though it seems this love, this love.... but how soft it makes my sounds toward others, and that is good. I should think now of what you would want from me if I could watch you grow... it is happiness isn't it? Yes It is joy in my eyes for you and this world too. I will try... I will try for you. And thank you, dear baby Joe, thank you from the deepest parts of me for the wonderful moments, the extraordinary time, yes time, yes time we had.. You are our family, our grandson, our cousin, our nephew, our baby, our son. Yours was the heart and we will love you forever.

mom

Jonathan are you listening? yes baby I will try and I will try and I will never give up hope and love... mommy

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Closer

The closer I get to the due date... the closer I feel to Joseph. Parallel worlds are starting to collied together in this beautiful symphony of love. I feel both babies so close to my heart right now. I see Joseph and Jonathan together nestled into my soul. They are buddies and they are near... it is a sensation I've been having daily. Maybe it is because I am getting closer now to delivery.. maybe it is just nesting... I don't know for sure but I can say... It is a hover just above what I can't see or reach.. but I can feel it... Quiet.. perfect.. beautiful... warm. I am closer to everything... my husband.. especially as we continue to grow so strong. Closer to my feelings and being open about my fears but also not being afraid to dream. Closer just closer to everything almost within reach. Positive forward momentum needed. Don't let the negative slip in.. Don't let the past surround you.. see it and feel it and it shall be. Closer two brothers can or will ever be. Beautiful.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel you near me so close watching and hoping and loving as you are. Know that I am right there baby.. for you always. momma.

Jonathan are you listening? Hold your brothers hand and play.. I will bring to you this world when you are ready... love surrounds you. mom.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Funny....

I've never really had a big chest.. with all the working out I do there has never been anything "there" so to speak.. That is why I am laughing at what they actually might be IF I was not a work out freak. Yesterday I ordered an on-line nursing bra. I measured myself to make sure I got the right size and then left a little wiggle room just in case. I almost FELL OFF THE CHAIR... when the size I needed to buy was a 42 E... yes.. did you see that number? And then even more comical was the fact that you can order a 42 E,F,G (hence the room to grow) My sense of humor is juvenile I know.. but Boobs should not be this SIZE.. but now that mine are.. I just think it is funny.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love you little man - with every ounce that I am.. Mom

Jonathan are you listening? Test today are you ready? Grow baby grow and stay with me.. I love you so much... mom

Friday, January 21, 2011

Helping others

Believe it or not.. the hardest thing about grief is the fact that I've leaned on so many people for support and counted on so many people for help that I've lost track of being able to help other people.... I still have big ideas and know what I can do in the future but, it is the now of helping I am without. I used to teach up to 100 people a week how to work out and exercise their minds and body's. I used to manage a team of people in the workforce and lead others by example... Now I'm on bead rest.. (not that I mind don't get me wrong) But.. It makes me feel like I depend on others again and I'm not able to return the great gifts everyone has given to me.. I want to be that leader again.. talk to people face to face everyday.. Find solutions for them.. you know just be that "friend" again... the one they could lean on anytime.. I miss being the one to go out there and do for others.. Maybe it is the isolation of home... the constant inability to see and touch others hearts.. Cyb er world is good but... getting out there and really making a difference is hard not to do when you so used to it... I just can't wait to get out there again and share with others how much they mean to me... so they know how much I care.. and want to help in return.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Sweet boy so big in heaven now... I miss you every day and have not lost sight of what you brought.. I love you until forever.. mom

Jonathan are you listening? One day at a time... we will be fine and stay with us little one.. I dream of you in my arms.. love you baby, mommy

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Still worried.

I know that there is nothing that I did wrong.. or could have done to save our sweet Joseph. I know I carried him 40 full weeks and went to the hospital thinking everything would be alright as I was that far along... I had no idea. Still don't. Seeing what can happen.. has happened.. and knowing about real pain and loss just does not sit well. I wish that I had a button to push just to see the future a brief moment in time to ease my fears. Fear does not come often for me... but when it does it is hard to shake. I have no milestone to hit or get past that would make me feel more comfortable.. Joseph died perfect.. full term with no complications to him.. it was me. It was the emergency C-section that gave him life and did allow for him to live his too short life with us. I am forever grateful that I held him as I know too well that often that is not the case for most. I know his purpose was not to stay and that his being was filled with love from beginning to end. I know he opened doors in my heart and many others that may otherwise have stayed closed... But being pregnant now.. having complications.. on top of what I already know... just gets me sometimes.. It gets me deep in my soul. Blessed at everything still I understand it is not for me to decided. There is no "fair" and bad things sometimes happen to good people.. I wait.. and I wonder and I worry.. Every kick every checkup.. all the times I've already been scared..all the time willing my Jonathan to come home.. to be my forever child..

And then I see his face....... (pictured below) and light fills the dark tunnel again.














Joseph can you hear mommy? My arms still ache although you lifted them.. my heart still hurts.. but it yet so full. I miss you sweet baby Joe... love mom

Jonathan are you listening? Stay baby stay.. but let me know if you need me... I'll be here as I am now forever your mommy. I love you.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Home

There is nothing better than sleeping in your own bed with your husband and 2 dogs curled up for the night.. Thankfully I was sent home from the hospital and have been directed to modified bed rest at home. I am 27 weeks tomorrow and if we get extremely lucky my body will hold out for little Jon at least 8-10 weeks more. I am blessed because my work is allowing me to work from home and my house is all geared up so I have everything one could need at my fingertips.. literally. I look like my own personal geek squad. I have 2 cell phones, my lap top, keyboard adaptor, mini mouse, house phone, all the chords to plug in in case of battery failure.. My Doppler (of course) blood pressure machine, medicine to keep contractions at bay and YES my 2 wonderful dogs.. but all they do to help is drive by for kisses every now and then. I feel great and our guy is doing alright. They would like him to be a bit more active so I've taken to kick counts already and need 4 an hour. He does OK but I might slowly drive myself mad with worry if each one is "enough". I try to keep my arms moving and my legs flexed as to not atrophy too much.. All in all you will find me with a smile on my face and a determination beyond what I ever expected myself to have. Thanks for all the good wishes - the prayers and love WORK.. I go to the Dr 2x a week now.. once for NST and once for fluid check. I'll check back in soon.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are doing a great job holding your brother and checking in... you are amazing as always and there is not a moment that I don't think of you each day. Love you big boy.. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby stay and if you are in trouble you tell momma.. I am listening to you every step of the way - grow baby grow.. love you so very much, mommy

Saturday, January 8, 2011

9 days and counting


This is what I look like 9 days of laying in a bed later.. It makes me giggle.. the one who is always on the move.. can do anything.. no problem.. get out of my way.. has been laying down in various positions for 9 days. I have to say that there have been some trying times.. but most important things are going well for our Jonathan. He has continued to be monitored now and graduated to 3 times a day from 24X7. I am having an ultrasound in a few hours to determine if they let me leave this weekend OR if I am in for another week. I will be happy either way. I do miss my husband... dogs.. and giant king size bed but.. for missing those things I have gained piece of mind and great care. I feel really blessed to have be in a level 5 trauma hospital with top of the line Dr's and NICU... I could get used to the zoo feeding style that the hospital offers too. They feed you every 3 hours something and they keep it coming. My attitude is whatever it takes... no matter how long.. whatever turn the roller coaster takes.. I'm in and even though I'm laying down.. I am always on the move.. can do anything.. no problem.. get out of my way I'm having a healthy full term baby no matter what!

Joseph can you hear mommy? Thanks for my penny... I got it last night before bed. Very clever to have put it in my bed. You are amazing I miss you and love you, mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Tell us all you know in there... we are watching and waiting for you but not yet.. baby not yet.. stay put please. All my love, Mom.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Years and Bed Rest

I have had a start to the new year.... Started out with that little trip to the ER last week.. Ended up with me on full on bed rest at the hospital. As the clock struck 12 on Friday night I had already been admitted for what may end up being a long stay. Baby and I are doing fine and I love that my Dr's are just keeping things as cautious as they can to insure our safety. Little Jon's heartbeat keeps decelerating after I have contractions. They have given us steroids to beef up his little 25 week old lungs and things for me to lower my HB and get more blood flow to the placenta... They are not sure why but the deceleration happens "after" a contraction and those are the ones they don't like. Little Jon has recovered from each episode brilliantly though and as long as he jumps right back on the train again we may not have any issues. So.. for now I will be here at least another week. I've been in 5 days already.. I don't mind... I don't mind... Monitor me for as long as needed. It is nice to have the sweet sound of the beat of his heart now connected 24x7.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hold his hand and love him so we are not ready for your little brother yet so don't let him go. Love you special boy and miss you. All the nurses here remember you and love you so very much... mom

Little Jon are you listening? Baby grow... baby stay.. I love you I love you I love you all the way... Whatever it takes you and me will always be... mom.