Thursday, September 30, 2010

ER but ok

I really do try to avoid the ER. I know they can't do anything for me and I also know that most of the ER Docs just are not 'good' with pregnant ladies bleeding to what they feel like is death. I had the biggest SCH bleed to date last night. It actually woke me up out of a deep sleep. Right around 11:30pm I sat up and KNEW. I ran to the BR and sure enough.. blood. not a speck.. not a spot... a OH MY can I even walk after loosing this much amount.

Baby PUT is WONDERFUL. I didn't want to keep going in the story until telling you he/she is fine.. we have too much sorrow in this community too much loss.. and this is NOT a sad story.. this is just a scary one. AGAIN!

Ok - so back to ER... I really DON'T want to go... the long wait... the Dr who is brutally cold... the cold rooms.. the lack of sleep.. you get it.. but there was NO WAY I couldn't go last night. Husband raced me there... and you will never guess.

NOBODY was in the waiting room... Not one single person?! I went right in.. I had a room in 10 min. The Dr and nurse comforted me in less than 1 hour by showing me on ultrasound baby PUT and the Strong heartbeat! I was blown away. The ER Dr. actually knew what to do - was not cold.. but nice.. Said you are at 12 weeks and you will be Fine.. baby looks good... Amazing. He even asked us to wait while we had a real ultrasound tech come in and she sent the slides to the OB on call -

we left in under 3 hours. that has to be a record. There is GOOD everywhere.. and sometimes even when you have a bad situation or the worst possible in your mind... People surprise you.. Something goes your way and just when you need it.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you are looking in and keeping your sister or brother safe.. I can feel you so strong now.. you are amazing and I love you more than there are words... mom

Little put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. keep growing the way you are and snuggle in.. we need you to snuggle in for another 6 months. I love you with all my heart.. mommy

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Perhaps

Seems like a momentous hurdle... today I am 12 weeks. Oh, my rose colored glasses are not on.. I know there is no such thing as out of the woods. Perhaps I can get some sleep now.. Perhaps I can eat again without the constant gag and choking. Maybe my mind will ease if only some. I still have fear and worry but more good days are coming. Perhaps I will be able to slowly crawl out of the grief. Joseph's birthday is in 15 days...I know how beautiful his party will be. I took out some of his things.. in his box.. just to touch, smell and remember. Perhaps now I can clean out the drawers.. Make room for Put's things and box up the remaining items we have chosen to keep just for Joseph. It feels like the right time to do this now. Perhaps I will feel better each day coming out of the grief filled year and into the new beginning where hope is already bubbling.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you in my arms again.. You are so strong and powerful. I love you until forever... mommy.

Put are you listening? 12 weeks today we have been together.. you are growing so well and making us so proud. We love you so much and can't wait to see you grow and grow. mom.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Dogs say it best


I made the bed this morning....... and our old lady Emma Jean decided she was NOT ready to get out of it.. She got so close to the pillows that they flipped on top of her.. not that she minded. Pretty little nest of happiness. She tucked so cozy and warm... Drifts my mind to content. Joseph is in heaven safe and warm.. Put is in my belly safe and warm.... somehow all is right again... Dogs know how to say it best. LOVE.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Nearing your big day my heart open wide with love... mom.

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay... no worries today.... love you mommy.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Blech

Just when I started to feel really embraced and ready to tell the world about PUT.. bleeding again.. Not nearly as bad as before but, still.. I just want to Scream.. THIS SUCKS. Being a pregnant BLM is ridiculously hard. Every twinge. wipe.. look in the mirror.. questions my ability to be able to do it... To bring a living child home.. BLECH... horrible spit of vial that I have sitting in the pit of my stomach. To top it all off.. I miss my son so much right now.. To have his what would be heavy head resting against my chest would ease the worry that I contain. Every day is a struggle.. Every day I have to tell myself "everything is gonna be alright". I sometimes feel like one of those blow up punching bags... you remember the kind that had a weight in the bottom and when you whapped at it... it would hit the ground only to come right back up again? That is exactly what I feel like.. I just keep getting back up.. moving forward.. shake my head a little with wonder and worry and move my next foot forward.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I hope you can feel my love... It is so strong that I almost know you can.. mom

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. We need you so much and love you more than you will ever understand.. mommy.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

acceptance

It feels like I have aged 10 years in 3 weeks. With all the activity going on regarding little "put" and bleeding... and the overwhelming Grief wave that has crashed down on me as we approach Joseph's first birthday in heaven... it is a wonder I'm still standing. I am fighting weight loss.. as you know I'm trying to gain weight for the our Put.. and somehow the pounds just keep slipping away. It isn't too bad.. Lost 5lbs that is all and I am eating what I can get into my mouth as often as I can.. but the food chokes me again. Just like it did in the beginning of my grief... I can't sleep.. I wake each night at 1:30am exactly the time little baby Joe was born.... My hair has turned gray.. Not kidding.. Even my husband notices it... and my hairdresser. The lines on my face have deepened and I am tired. BUT, as I sit here today weathered by the storm I am happy. Not kidding.. happy and so thankful for everything... I feel with my new aged body has come such a wisdom... A patients that has never been there before.. a quiet light that is shining once again from inside me out... and then I figured out what it was..... acceptance.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love each day when the sun comes up and I see you shining down over us.. you amaze me.. mommy.

Put are you listening? Stay in there ... stay in there.. Grow and know how loved you are.. mom.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

signs of relief

I got all of Josephs first birthday in heaven cards out.. and posted on facebook for those that I did not have an address for. Some of you are only readers and therefore I'll post here too. Joseph's birthday in heaven will be Saturday the 16th of October. If you don't live in Arizona... just light a candle for him OR let off a balloon yourself and take a picture for me... I would LOVE to see it... It is also Arizona's National Walk to remember for all baby's gone too soon. I think he has a special birthday... sign number one.. being born on the same day the world has chosen as a Day to remember our children.. October 15th each year will be celebrated by too many people.. too many families.. but that also warms my heart. My state does not have much... but it does have an incredible group of women and men running infant loss groups for support and there is a hospital that supports us every step of the way. So on the day of his death one year later we will Walk.. sign number two.. to remember him and all babies.. Every single child who's mom's read this blog will be remembered. We will be writing names in chalk along our one mile path.. Each of you will have your baby remembered by me and my husband. Each of you will know that you have touched my heart.. and Josephs heart in so many ways... Ahhh yes that is the sign of relief. Relief he is not forgotten.. that none of our children are forgotten..

Joseph can you hear mommy? I hope you are ready to lead the parade.. We will be marching and signing for you.. I can't wait for you to see the balloons coming your way soon. All of my love, mommy

Put are you listening? Do exactly what you are doing little one.. Grow and grow and stay put for a while. I love you littlest hope.. mom.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

11 months of missing you


Today marks 11.... 11 months of missing you. I woke in a panic that something was "missing" and it was you. My heart heavy but my love Grand. I picture you with a ball cap and jean shorts... Walking already although not steady yet. You are so strong and cute. I can feel your dimples from here. I can smell your sweet baby sent and hear your kisses in the wind when they wisp across my face. Forward together hand in hand we are united in our bond of mother and child. Proud is my chest filled with having a son. A beautiful boy... 11 months in heaven today.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love.. Love.. Love all for you baby boy. Little man Joe.. forever and ever, mom.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Stay Put

So baby B now has a little nick-name.. "stay put" or just "Put" for short. Little Put has been a roller coaster of emotion for us... we have really been so fortunate for the care of our Dr's to see us so much and with such tender hearts. I went again today for another ultrasound to check on little "Put". It seems that I am still bleeding and they can't find the source.. anywhere... so It comes and goes as a surprise for me and usually happens right when I am trying to go to sleep (thus I have not been sleeping well). Anyway.... little Put is right where he/she and I'm thinking she with all this trouble... is supposed to be. Heart beating, growing on schedule and a beautiful site for sore eyes. Speaking of I must look like a sight for sore eyes.. all the staff have been so comforting and kind.. even the Dr told me if I get scared again.. just come in.. someone is always willing to do a little ultrasound if that gives me hope and peace of mind. Love them for that. I'm pretty sure that will help me until I can make it to the 12 weeks mark and then order a home Doppler for regular checking. I also lost 3 lbs... NOT good when trying to grow a baby. I am not sick just don't feel like eating and then when I do get hungry I don't want what I make myself. So I'm just getting in calories for now - whatever they may be.. good or bad I need to get something in and help this little one Grow Grow Grow. Today I am 9 weeks and 4 days. I'd like to be in a medically induced coma for 7 more months but alas.. I'll keep ticking on my own with my little Stay put in my heart and my wonderful husband by my side.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love that you are helping your little brother or sister. I sent invitations out today for your 1st birthday in heaven. I love you more than words can express.. mommy

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. take my worries away.. love and grow strong. momma

Friday, September 10, 2010

Get off the Bus.

Thanks so much for all of your good wishes and prayers. I go back to the Dr. on Monday so for the weekend they told me modified bed rest. I can still go to work but for the most part I need to be laying down or sitting with my feet up. NOOOO PROBLEM. I still feel so worried... but I got to see little baby b's heart beating away... He/She is still in there and going strong. I am feeling a little better today having read lovely comments and emails from all of you who are such a big help to me. I absolutely love this community of friends.... It is amazing what words can do to the heart.. the mind and the body. I go to therapy... that is also a wonderful place for me to find support and help getting turned in the go forward positive direction. Last night I was told to think of my emotions as a bus.... I had to tell her who's driving the bus (Fear) and then to think of a name for Fear... (I am sure you can think of LOTS of names that go with FEAR...) so when fear drives my bus I can yell at it to GET OFF THE BUS... thus taking control and putting whomever I want in the driver seat (HOPE)... needless to say that is a very good tool. I've had lots of fun filling my bus seats with so many good thoughts that FEAR and failure and all those other terrible emotions have just been BOOTED RIGHT OFF.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw you last night as I visited your big boy place. I felt your tickle of warm wind across my cheek. I love you my son.. always mommy.

Little baby B are you listening? Hope drives our bus and we will bump off all of those that don't belong together. Forever my love... mom

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Worried and all worked up

First everything is okay... and there seems to be a rash of this going around... in our BLM world....Enough already I can't handle anymore! I am having a huge bleed... huge... Scared out of my mind I went to the emergency women's fetal center thinking the worst had already happened. It DID NOT. Baby b is still with us.. Heart beating fast but just fine. I cried my eyes out.... Nestled in and measuring perfect. Why in the world am I literally bleeding so much that I can not stop the panic and they can't find any reason for it on my ultrasound? How can it be normal? This is not normal and yet the Dr who saw me today (and does not know my history) said.. this is the 3rd one of these I've seen today...like hey no big deal... Okay.. HUGE sigh of relief that nothing is wrong with this little one but come ON can I catch a break here? When should I be more worried that the bleeding is more.... and then NOT okay. I will wait for my regular OB to call me back tomorrow.... Tomorrow I will be 9 weeks and I can't imagine that I will sleep tonight. I wish they could have seen the source of the bleeding.. I wish they could have told me that it was "almost" done or that it would stop by such and such time OR Come back tomorrow so we can check you again just to be safe..... Until now I just pray that baby B hangs on and this is nothing more than a little speed bump to an otherwise perfect healthy and coming home baby.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I am so worried. I know you see me and daddy working with your little brother or sister.. I love you my son with all my heart... mom

Little baby B? Hang in there little love.. in my heart so deep already.. On my mind and worried about you .... sink in and stay for us.. we want you so badly. always and forever your mommy.

Monday, September 6, 2010

A dose of baby


So full was my heart this weekend. My husband and I got to care for a family of 4. Zero to 4 under the age of 11 and perfect. The cake and the icing this little guy.. 7 months old with two bottom teeth. What a happy and super cute baby. I loved having so much going on. The house busy with the buzz of life and little ones. Funny stories and good games to play. Just bliss. As you know it was not my family but one of my best friends on earth asked us to visit for this weekend in hopes of getting some time alone with her husband. Who would say no to such an offer... Loved having this time. We are auntie and uncle after all even if not by blood.. sometimes friends are closer than family anyway. A good dose of baby and a beautiful way to spend my time.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I heard you giggle with us this weekend. You were right there in the thick of it with laughter. It is almost your birthday baby.. I love you.. mommy

Baby B Jean are you listening? Sweet love you are and so much hope I felt for you this weekend. I am ready for you to move and dance inside... love mom.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

parallel

I am in a strange parallel right now.. The weeks are ticking down toward Josephs first birthday in heaven... and the weeks are ticking up in baby b's new life. I want each week to come more quickly for this little one growing inside me.. so that I feel he or she is safe... and yet I don't want the weeks to turn any further.. knowing the reality of Joseph not being here for an entire year is looming. I have new appointments made for baby b... and birthday cards for Josephs birthday party ready....just not mailed out yet. I bought a few new onsies for this little one as to show no fear (although I am constantly worried) I picked out a cake to serve my big boy turning one. I am holding my belly and holding my heart at the same time. I live with positive joy and love...but panic catches me off guard. I feel more motherly and round..and hollow missing him sometimes. I am on a grand adventure where each week leads me into the next unknown. It is a wild journey that I am so happy to share with everyone... I joined the group SPALS this week. It is a support group for BLM's who are now pregnant again. It is a private group you can join and I encourage others to check it out. I know I'm leaning hard on everyone... dealing with death and a baby all at one time is as before.. a parallel world.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you big boy.. more than there are seconds in a day.. more than heaven is high in the sky... until forever... mommy

Baby B are you listening? I saw you beating on your 8th week of life yesterday... you are amazing and the courage you have blesses me daily. I love you.. mom.