Something New

There is something new of him.... his feet on the heart of my husbands chest. The place where my head shall fall and feel the place of him again. Something new of him with us always.... something new of him to smile at and touch... talk about and show... Something new of him to love if it was ever possible for me to have more love for him.

Joseph can you hear mommy? See how much you are loved... I know you know already... I feel that you are so proud. You are daddy's little man and have stolen a piece of him forever... love can't be a big enough word... mommy.

All In

Two of the most beautiful embryo are in... See how pretty? Ok for those of you not having to deal with infertility.. really these are Beautiful ones.... I feel so excited for this chance.. So good about the opportunity and all that has happened this cycle. The mental game has begun... The wait. The next 2 weeks will feel like forever. I will run every emotion each hour - I will be confident and then doubtful... I will be excited and then terrified. I will question my decision to put in two embryo and then be happy about it the next. I will try to convince myself each twinge is a sign of pregnancy and then.... that each twinge may be a sign that I am not. I will buy home pregnancy tests at the store and then not take them... and then want to take them... and then only take one once I know the news... I will try to stay relaxed.. I will laugh - I will cry ... I will worry and I will wonder. Beyond everything else.. I will HOPE... and love and feel joy that we had this chance.. this chance... this chance to be parents again. Exhilarating as I know that I have parented every emotion possible already with Joseph in my heart and new babies on my mind.

2 Grade A blast - transferred
1 Grade A blast - frozen day 5
3 Grade A blast - frozen day 6

WOW

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you my son as I always do - you brushed my cheek with a silent tear that fell knowing just how beautiful my life is with you in it. Love, mom

Later Today

Later today we will transfer 2 little embryo to me... Our Transfer is scheduled at 1:15. I can honestly say that waiting is hard... but my life so far has been about waiting and somehow I still don't call my life hard.... So what I do with the time during my waiting has become.. well... my life. Today I'll walk the dogs and make a big breakfast... watch a little news and perhaps read the newspaper.. Catch up on the blogs, reach out to a few Friends.... all the while with a huge smile of what is coming later today. I will go to acupuncture and relax.. meditate and drink the ever important giant mug of water... I'll drive to the Dr.. all the while Smile smile smile. Today's wait filled with hope.. the journey never dull. I have a vision board that I use to help remind me of everything I am searching for .. not like I could forget... waiting and waiting for you....
perhaps later today.

Joseph can you hear mommy? what a beautiful day little one... thank you for the beautiful sun rise and the calm.. my hear to you my own.. love, mom.

A letter from Joseph

We got a letter from Joseph as we rode in the car on the way to our egg retrieval. It doesn't rain much in Arizona so it was a pleasant surprise to drive while the sky was gray with clouds of laughter... we broke out in song spirits high for our adventure to our rainbow baby began this day. Our chance yet again nearing. With the windows rolled down and the highway clear in front of us... we got a letter from Joseph....
He said - Ready or not here you go Always with me in your heart.. I watch over you both Now and forever.. Before you is Our brighter beginning.. you are Wonderful parents and my brothers and sisters are waiting with love for you to bring them home.

That letter from Joseph was spelled out to us in the briefest RAINBOW that sprinkled the sky before us as we drove... before we blinked it was gone only to be seen by us. Together we are a strong family. We have 12 embryo growing... 12 more chances of hope. Tuesday we will be re-united as one. Love

Joseph can you hear mommy? Thank you for my gift and the beautiful sign of love. You amaze me each day with your courage and hope. Love, Mommy

Commitment

Commitment..... It is the combination of DESIRE and discipline, the vulnerability inherent in admitting you WANT something and the BELIEF that it is worth working toward. TRUE commitment.... to a person... a cause...your own well-being is the SUREST way to achieve your DREAMS... I have the desire to bring new life into this world whole... alive and happy. I have the discipline to understand that this is my journey in life and it is accepted as much as it is loved. My vulnerability in admitting that I have infertility and strive every day knowing that my belief is that I am meant to be a mother to many children. Everything I sacrifice is worth it... all the grief.. pain.. tears.. hope.. love.. all of it. I am TRUELY committed to my family and the making of it bigger. This is my CAUSE and the surest way that I know to achieve my dreams is to never give up.... not the hope... not the love.. not the desire or the passion.. not the gifts and not until we are compleate.

Joseph can you hear mommy... I committed to you many months before you were conceived and again during our precious nine months together... More over... the eternal commitment I am to you as your mother. Until forever is never long enough. I love you... mom

This Thursday

This Thursday I will have that chance.. the one where I am able to give and accept life again. Thursday we will have our Retrieval for IVF. This is our second IVF... and we have had 2 FET so far. The first time we had IVF... we did not get to do a fresh transfer due to a polyp that they found during stimulation (I guess that decided to grow along with the stim drugs. So last time I had egg retrieval surgery we just stopped everything else and froze our embryo. FET 1 produced our precious Joseph Henry... FET 2 produced a tiny hopeful fighting baby that lived 6 weeks and 3 days. I know my body can do it. I feel more ready now than I have ever felt during any procedure. I am more calm... older... wiser.. Able to accept more challenges or changes without freaking out. Most of all I just feel so excited. I have a chance at new life again. I never thought in a million years I'd be doing this again and even more than that I never thought it would get to be this soon. Arizona has some of the worst laws for IVF. Recently they just past a handful of really crappy ones. Don't need to get started on those feelings. All I know is that without the love, support and help I have recieved from so many people (including everyone in BLM and Infertility blog land) I wouldn't be where I am now. Open, honest, Free, ready, hopeful... amazed.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Tell your little buddies up there where I am. I am ready for your brother or sister or both. I love you dear sweet son... until always, mom.

Ouch

The menepur/lupron/follistim combo got me.


Most of the time it does not hurt.. the shots... some of you know too well and others don't know at all the lengths that we go to for a child... I say we as the "infertility crew". Just know that despite the look of this I do not complain. I am happy that I even have a chance for a pregnancy again. This is still my path... the journey I am on. Riding high on hope at the moment.... Retrieval set for Wednesday or Thursday this week.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you so much it reaches to heaven and back. Mom.

A day at a time...

One day at a time,
This is enough.
Do not look back and grieve over the past.
For it is gone. . .
And do not be troubled about the future.
For it has not yet come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful.
That it will be worth remembering.


I love this little statement. It is not mine and I don't know who wrote it but I believe in it and a day at a time. It is hard not to look back and grieve over the past when dealing with infant death but I understand it. I try to look back and remember all that is beautiful instead. Yesterday Joseph would have been 9 months old... today is 9 months since he passed away. That ONE day is worth remembering every single second. So Yesterday I did just that. I remember the second I came out of Anastasia... he was there next to me in a tiny little isolate. I didn't even know he was a boy until I saw my husband who was right behind the helicopter flight nurse who was in her orange jump suit ready to take him to the children's hospital across town. Paul said "We have a son" Joseph Henry..That ONE second I had with my son filled my heart with pride and joy and hope and love and a calm in front of the storm that was about to hit. I touched his hand and he squeezed my heart. I swept a finger across his face and forever that feeling so soft will be ingrained into my soul.... So yesterday I focused on that ONE second. That moment in time where the world was perfect and I had a son.. and a husband.. and a beautiful life filled with what others can only wish for. A day at a time...

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hey beautiful...baby boy. You are chubby now and all wiggly and warm. I see your toothless grin in my dreams and love beyond this world all of you - mommy.

Eager

I am eager to do more... say more.. help more.. Love more.. learn more... Breaking out of the deepest darkest depths of grief I awoke to knowing that something is out there that I need to be doing.. for others. I dip my toe in the water now and then but really I need more to do. The blogs I read feed this need and this blog I write releases that desire some. I wish I painted... wrote poetry... baked in clay or had some other way to express this peace I've found but I don't have that thing others do to show expressions. Instead I work out. I know sounds strange but that is what I do. I teach others how to exercise while gaining speed from them I am pushed to better myself at the same time. Working out brings me joy. The thump of the music... the fill of the room with people... the timing of it all. Each step better than the next like a crescendo of pent up grief being released outwardly. In the end I leave feeling exhausted and a rush of adrenaline sooths that hunger for this more... and more.. that I have to do. I am thankful for this ability and this passion of mine. It really gets all the emotions out and leaves me feeling accomplished and fiery for what is to come. Once I can stop this focus on myself I'd love to teach others how to deal with grief through movement. It is explosive and really powerful. All sorts of things have been dreamed up in my head of what this will look like. I can't wait to offer it to all.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you shift in stride today. Must have been that baby thump of you falling hard after trying to walk. Moved me. I miss you terribly and love you with all that I am... mom.

9 months fast approaching

After Joseph died I started taking pictures of myself.... Without makeup... without my hair done and really just without. I was feeling without in the beginning and I don't know why I started to do it except to say I wanted to SEE my grief. What it did to my features.. what It looks like on me each month. I put an album together of each picture and I'll share them all one day... when I feel ready but... I wanted to say that with nine months fast approaching (July 15th) I feel good. The picture above is me... in one of those "without" photos. I am holding Marlie Storm who is perfect and all of a few hours old when this was taken. I have to say that this is the FIRST time in all the months that I see my "sparkle" back. That little hint of wow that I know is in there. Holding her made my heart sing... It showed me that a baby CAN be born alive and happy and with no complications... She showed me that I am a mom... and will be again. I am no longer "without" and my heart has slowly filled back up again with love and shine and all that It was.... until Last October. Seeing the changes my body has endured and seeing the facial changes in my smile.. laugh.. tears.. eyes.. makes me know I am okay with the 9 month mark coming. And the circle of life is beginning again. I finally feel ready.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are so beautiful my little one... my own. I miss you still but love you so much more than even that. Until always, Mommy.

Northern Lights

This is an amazing rainbow... It is called Northern Lights and Fire. Makes me feel like the fire I have moving forward toward my rainbow baby. Working on it hard and reaching inside for all the power I have to remain hopeful, positive, light. I am determined without being forceful. All the decisions made.. time has begun again on our journey. I am using the power of these lights and fire to help burn for me and guide me to the ultimate place. Love shines bright on me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Incredible things being made in heaven. I see these rainbows and know what the message is. I love you my son always.. and deep in my heart, mom.

Fresh

Part of learning to live again is feeling the fresh air on your face. Yesterday we went on another kayak experience. This one a little more free from the guided tour. Two hours.. Two kayaks and the Salt river in front of us. We saw a hawk several blue Herring and then.. just when the river opened up there they were. Wild horses. Probably 10 of them just drinking from the river. White, Gray, Tan. So fresh so sweet so carefully placed it almost felt like they were put there for us. They let us come close.. Maybe 20 feet never moving never caring as the river passengers floated by. So beautiful... so poignant... so healing. Fresh faced and feeling like we have accomplished something a new day dawns.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you there in the front of the kayak giggling away as the wind and water passed through. I love you my little one.......... until forever, mommy.

Prediction Dinner

Tonight we had Chinese... and of course we got our "fortune" cookie. I took the first one and said out loud .. this one is for me and about me....And in return it said "to let another into your heart first let yourself in" very fitting as that is what I try to do every single day. When faced with adversity.. infant death.. infertility.. life in general I know that I still love who I am. I know that I have done nothing wrong and it is true I need to let myself into my heart completely so that those little souls out there want to join in all the fun.

To TOP off my "fortune" cookie was the one Paul opened. He said and this is for me...and about me.. I almost fell off the chair.. "Never give up". I had to take a picture so you all would believe me. Enough Said.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you deep today in the hot breeze that warmed my cheek at your big boy place... It kicked up and curved the corner where you are as if to kiss me. I love you little man. Mommy

On a high

I must be on a high because I feel so good. I feel ready to take on the world and also feel pretty strong as of late. That is strange to say because just a few short days ago I was feeling small and broken... What a difference new hope can bring. Today I will start a fresh IVF cycle. I am excited. I am not worried or scared or any of the other natural things that normally come to my mind on day one.... I am open and ready and feel healed and headed toward the goal. My eyes not yet on the prize.. but my heart is already in love with the child I've yet to even harvest. I feel blessed that I get to try again. I am thankful for my body and its unbelievable ability to yet again heal itself. Today I'm amazed it is July. This year has blinked by. I just smiled at my children to be and little ones who have already come and gone and genuinely felt at peace.

Joseph can you hear mommy? With a big open heart and peace on my side I saw you ride a dolphin cloud in sky all the way home. You are beautiful my son. I am so in love with you. Mom.