Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Marlie Storm


A very close friend of mine is in labor right now. Dr's feel it will only be another hour or two. Here I blankly sit not believing that it has been almost 9 months since I gave birth. We found out shortly after Joseph died that our friend was pregnant. My husband and I are really happy for them.. It is such a blessing but really 9 months have passed? It still feels like everything just happened. My Post traumatic stress is kicked into high gear right now. Praying for a safe delivery for our friend and hoping to welcome precious sweet Marlie into this world... All the wile my body aching and in knots with worry. I can't eat, I can't work... I can't do anything right now but HOPE. We will go to meet this little gift tonight. Tonight it will be beautiful.


********* Update Marlie Storm is here - Perfect in every way 6lbs 4oz 18.5 in long... Momma and baby are fine. I can not stop the tears of joy!!! ********



Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my sweet son. I love you... mommy

Monday, June 28, 2010

Softly


It is so lovely to see Joseph's name in the sand. Carly does amazing work in this baby lost community. What I see here softens me. It makes me feel calm and relaxed as if I am the ebb and flow of the tide that Joseph came into this world on. He is there in all of nature and somehow when I see this....it is as if this is where he belongs.. A soft wash of wave swiped away a portion of the name... making it so briefly here just as he was... so deep in the tidal of it all. Beauty in pain. Time shows gratitude and my heart emerges so unbelievably large.

Joseph can you hear mommy? my little touch.. look at you go. Love surrounds you and all is seen. you are brillant and the light. Until forever, mommy.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Better

Feeling better after that last post. Sometimes it just takes me down. I am back to feeling in my new normal self... happy for the most part and ready for whatever comes next. Thinking about all my blog friends and all the friends from grief group as well the infertility community. Each one of us has individually so much on our minds... somehow collectively.. its not so bad. I entered a drawing at a local clinic that is today... It is for Free IVF! Holy Crap I hope I win. The Dr is a new RE (fresh from how to make a baby school) She may have some new perspective and I am generally looking forward to today.

********I did not win free IVF..... but ah well it was worth a shot ***********

Joseph can you hear mommy? Lots of love my son shining on you. Until forever, mom.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

small


do you ever feel so small that it is as if you are invisible? that your voice isn't loud enough and for some reason you just can seem to be heard.. noticed.. seen... today i feel small. like a tiny broken winged bird. i am pleading with my heart but no words come out. the lump in my throat clogs the path of my voice. i don't have anything to say... so i weep. and i weep and i weep silent hot tears today. there is no reason only release. there is no pain i am just weak at the moment and am allowing for it all to soak in. i am small and tired. tired of the relentless task of not having a living child. how did i get here.. where did i go so wrong. like the ... dots on my pages waiting for the and then part.... so i take a moment to just be in myself and allow for those tears to roll and pain to hollow out my stomach until my pity party of sorrow is gone. it feels better already. this release... this place of peace. to hope without questions and to seek without answers.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you with every ounce that I am today. but i love with all that there is more in me than this pain. mommy.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Eclipse

There is an eclipse of the moon coming.. and I've been told to watch out for it. The eclipse for most means very good things.. and for some reason with each eclipse it means disaster for me. So in the coming few weeks I will let this moon eclipse with peace. I am not in turmoil and I am not waiting for questions from the universe to be answered.. it is calm here in my heart and mind... Note that this is the last eclipse for a long while so I can say this without worry. I will enjoy this darkness over the moon this time and watch as the light comes back once again. This will signify my new beginning for brighter times and hopefully a fresh IVF cycle on the cusp.

Joseph can you hear mommy? The carpet in your room is the softest in the house... Emma dog lays in there every morning. I go in to pet her and it makes me smile at how close you are to her too. Big love and hugs and smooshy kisses to you .. mommy.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father of one...


This father of one... kid... a son.. an angel...is amazing. Never have I seen the amount of tender loving care provided in such a heartfelt way. Spilling over top of the isolate he gave everything in his soul to our son. He lifted him in spirit and hope and in turn Joseph stole his heart. He is a proud man for all the right reasons. He is a strong man for all the right parts needed. He feels greatly and deeply and if you are lucky to glimpse the magnitude of his ability to love you will be changed forever. I will not say Happy Fathers day... But I will say that today is full of its intention. To honour and try if you might to allow for this man to understand the greatness of himself as a dad.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Send those loving sweet kisses down to daddy today. With all of our love we miss you. You are the only one.. our son. Mommy

****** This painting was done by fellow BLM, Stephanie... "Beyond words" is the perfect name for her project in parenting a child in heaven. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this fathers day so special for us. You are amazing.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Forward...

The calendar keeps moving forward and I see the pages turn. I actually stopped making those tick marks across each day as if somehow that would slow it all down. Like a whirlwind time is flashing fast forward.. and I'm ready and then not. Today I ordered meds for a fresh IVF cycle.. we are planning on doing one soon. If my body holds up.....I don't know all the details this time. I really don't want to know so much... just let it be. I am trying not to calculate forward to baby already but..... forward seems to be the direction I am in and facing this way does create deep hope again for life. I just dipped my toe into the water and it feels like I want to jump in. So I'm going to keep on keeping on and forward I will go.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Can you feel me moving forward with you baby? Can you see that my heart is open and my eyes are bright once more. Smiling at you and loving you forever.. mom.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Eight



Eight months today... Joseph was born. It had happened already as he came into this world at 1:30am. Fighting. In heaven he is playing tickle feet. In heaven he is happy baby. In heaven he is standing on his own already... I know because I can see him so clearly in nature. I feel his whispered I love you.. as if he is nestled next to my ear. So vivid are the sightings that when the sun rises or sets I wait to notice him. As a cloud drifts by or the wind picks up I wait. I know and I breathe it in. Surrounded by his love. For all the beautiful feelings I have of him I still have all the normal... why not here.. how come not now.. why aren't you living and doing all those things. Deep sigh of I know.. and I know becomes resilience.

Joseph can you hear mommy? My big boy in heaven already touching so many hearts.. I bet you are the baby bully pushing your way into everything up there.. Making sure you are in charge and helping out whenever you can. I miss you my little one.. Sweet baby Joe - I love you... mommy

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Joseph's balloon


Today was yet another first in the long journey of firsts while grieving my son. I am surprised at how peaceful the day was and how much I enjoyed it. I went to my first baby shower. I thought it was going to be really emotional.. all the women talking about birth stories and babies. I listened this time to everyone tell each story of life and birth and hope and love. It came to me... and I just felt like sharing my story. It didn't have to be sad... it was still an amazing experience and I am so grateful that I was pregnant and that I am a mother just as these women are.. I am equal not less than and I too have pride in my son. So it isn't up to me to decide who gets Sad when I tell them my story.. Or to worry if someone may turn away or look away for reasons unknown... It is up to me to tell my story with pride and love... to share his birth and the experience I had. He was born and I am a mother. I can smile when I talk of him and all his features just as much as a mother to a baby living.. I can wink all knowing when the mother to be felt so uncomfortable today sitting in a big chair... I've been there too. I know how it feels... and it is ok for me to share... I feel free to express desire to conceive again and I feel calm. I have a beautiful son and I am happy that he was... a whisper of time here but eternity above. With dreams of being showered again.. I know it will come and in time Joseph's brother or sister will safely arrive and how amazing and special it all will be. As if to tell me.... just these words Joseph said... me too... and the balloon hanging outside on the mailbox signifying the house for the shower... broke free from its hold and sored into the sky. A teddy bear holding an umbrella. As I watched it fly I said it to everyone... Joseph was here to say god bless you little Marlie inside your Mommy's belly and may her arrival be safe... I'm taking this balloon back to heaven for a while.

Joseph can you hear mommy? so sweet of you to come to the party and give your gifts to everyone there. Every day you amaze me and my love for you grows and grows.. limitless. Love mom.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Infertility Etiquette

Ahhh... even after all the years of struggle... some just don't understand... and I always get this statement.. "have you thought about adoption?" I probably hear that comment 10 times a week (not kidding) My usual reasons is just.... yes. but what I want to scream into their faces is... I AM NOT READY YET.. DON'T pacify me with your generalized statement.. and.. DUH I have been trying to have a baby... and have had difficulty so yeah.. don't you think I've thought about it? Really?

So below is a gift from RESOLVE and some helpful tips for people who just don't understand.. so that one day all of us who have trouble can just focus on ourselves without judgement but with care and kindness..... Copy and paste below to Friends or family who might not "get it" and please send to each person you meet who tells you something unfairly.. Don't spare their feelings... they didn't spare yours.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life. I know as try every day for Joseph to do this....

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. "worth every penny"

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent 8 surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Because they already have..... we had a son and he died.. and we are infertile .... Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose baby just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant


For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Living



Living a good life with Joseph in my heart. This is a group of people that just know how to have a good time and know how to help and heal my heart. We went on a wonderful trip. Just 2 hours outside of Phoenix.... The Verde river. We went on a guided Kayak trip and it was spiritual and fun. Sort of quiet and sort of loud. All of the trip exciting. A day that you spend outside gains so much insight into what is needed. Clarity of your thoughts and voice in all that you are can be expressed with your feelings in the sun and water. Finishing the trip was a huge accomplishment and then the reward.. WINE .. the trip finished at an Arizona Vineyard where we had a tasting and got to experience what the wines of Arizona are all about... Exactly what the heart ordered. Next we camped. It has been too many years since I've been out in the woods.. just good friends.. good food and great fun. I love the way the sun rises and sets in the west. It is so peaceful and warm. It fills the spirit with love and lets the body relax and enjoy all that it has to offer. Rejuvenating my spirit and gearing myself and body up for our next hope of IVF and a rainbow.. coming soon I hope.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I pictured you and your little self in my lap as we went down the river. I felt your giggles and your smile and your life all in my heart. You are filled with love as I am for you... mommy.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Good Baby News

I have not talked about a fellow blogger friend of mine before... Some of you who follow may know Kerry at "Her own pace". http://herownpace.blogspot.com

She and I actually are friends from childhood. Her family lived right down the street from me and we played from ages 3-12 years old... when we all moved. Her two older sisters are actually my age and we hung out all through high school. So pretty much I've known Kerry all my life... This world is so small and even smaller in the community of baby loss. It is her blog and words that got me going onto mine. It was her loss of baby Andrew that I grieved over (while I was still pregnant) It was only after Joseph died that I re-connected to her. She is an amazing mother. She has passed on so much hope to me over the past 8 months.... given countless books and advise for things that helped.. We have bonded over our sons and believe that sweet baby Joe and Andrew are the best of friends in heaven like their moms were then.... Anyway.. onto the Good baby news

the GOOD NEWS is that she gave birth to a healthy happy baby boy... Her second son born on Friday June 4Th is Joseph James.. after her grandfather. Her family has grown from 4 to 5. With two children that walk on earth and one that shines from heaven.

Kerry - you are blessed and have been so strong for everyone. You have helped in so many ways and I am proud to call you my friend. Joseph James is so beautiful and tears of Joy flow from my eyes for all that you are.. have been through and are doing now. Amazing.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hold Andrews hand today.. whisper to him that I love him so much too and play with him for always.. buddies in heaven forever. I love you mommy.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Moonlight


In the quiet part of the night it shines through the window... blinking heavens love down on all the ones that sleep with hurt. The moonlight lifts out the sorrow of missing your children and fills you again with the power to hope. Rest little one.. Rest. Press the silent tear to be absorbed on the pillow case. Ease your mind in sleep and let the dreams take you to where you want to be. The moonlight caught my heart with a beautiful dream. Joseph in the car seat next to his sister giggling and having a good time while I drove us camping.. We had a fun filled day together in the night and I woke beaming from the gift.

Joseph can you hear mommy? How beautiful you are. Growing stronger to show me such love. I see you my son and feel all that you are in heaven. Love mommy

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Kitchen Tears

Tears fall.. It happened a few times this past week. Sudden.. Hot and quick ending. It is almost like a wave of grief rises up from my toes and races out my eyes... then just as quickly it is gone. Suttle things set off the rise... Usually it happens when I'm in the kitchen. The heart of our home... the place where I would be each day making dinner for my "Men"... instead I'm there alone making dinner for just "us" Smells can set off the tears.. like cooking carrots or warm butter melting in a pot.. I love my Kithen tears and it gives new meaning to made with love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I bet you can feel the love that radiates out of the kitchen.. why else whould I feel you back so deeply.. Sending kisses back.. mommy