Sunday, May 30, 2010

Flags

When we went to the "big boy place" last night.. it was filled with flags... in commemeration of the memorial day. I was in awe of how many of Josephs "neighbors" were veterins. It is impress and sad to see all the lives lost. It was more tender to see each little flag delivered by hand and hung on each grave or bench for all of us to see so vividly those who served and gave lives for us. We took our own little flag for Joseph. I wrote a message to him on the handle and we placed in the little flower holder that is next to the marker.. Flipping in the wing our songs of freedom. I touched his foot and thought of the paths that have been crossed becuase of him. If the friendships and bonds of this space all posed because of him.. Flags for our thoughts to rise in hearing... Flags for our friends and babies in heaven with ours.

Joseph can you hear mommy? So proud as I was with you and even more now as I stand with you in my heart only. Love so sweet... mommy

Friday, May 28, 2010

Memorial Day


On this Memorial Day weekend I can't help but reflect on all the reasons why we have this day... of remembrance... for our Country for our freedom and for our lives as we live them today. I know what the meaning of the day is... for the fallen for the sacrifice for the effort and the pride. I reflect on how much pride I do have. And then... know how each of the mothers feel. For their sons and daughters. And as all things that happen in life do - the reflect back to the what might have been. For each of the babies young or old. Feel deeply for family this weekend. Hold tightly to those that you can touch and hope that all of the memorials have meaning. Because they do...

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel that little pressure right on my first finger where you held my hand... no words left as I just send you the warmest love back to heaven... mommy

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Trust

"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper triggers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life and the procedure... the process... it is its own reward" - Amelia Earhart

We have all made the most difficult and painful decisions. We have all hung on for our dear life... our sanity.. our hope and new rainbows and even hopes of rainbows. Our fears have already been realized. The greatest sadness in death. Our children in heaven. Somehow I decided long ago when faced with infertility.. when faced with Joseph's outlook.. When faced with infant loss... I chose then and now to control nothing and allow for my life to be the procedure. To live this life with all the good.. the bad.. and the ugly... With all the beauty.. grace.. courage and love. The reward is my journey and all that it makes me be. To be me is to be raw, honest, straight forward.... tender.. loved and full of life. Still funny... still silly and yet changed in this.. The most difficult action done... all that is left is living as full as I can...

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hey baby... my everything. I love you so deeply and until forever. No greater love - mommy

Monday, May 24, 2010

At my house





This is what we do when it is too hot to go outside. Ah.. relaxing days with the furry babies and enjoying every moment with them. It feels good to be letting go.. not every moment consumed by worry of what if and why and how. Just that today is a good day. Tomorrow will be another one. All with my heart open and Joseph tucked right in.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I see you and feel you and know that you feel me and see me too. I love you sweet baby Joe.. mom.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

So there


Some days... a picture says a thousand words... this one just about sums it all up... So there grief.... So there... death... SO there infertility..... SO THERE to this path...because we still have a journey who's destiny is not filled. So there... because love wins.

Joseph can you hear mommy? love unconditional and true... Love mommy

Friday, May 21, 2010

Letting Go


I'm holding onto him... too much in my body. I am holding on so tightly that I can't get back to a normal cycle. I am holding onto him so deep that I'm releasing too much cortisol. I'm holding onto him so close that I would feel a part of me leaving if letting go... And yet I must. Let it go. Let it go.. Let it all out and empty myself into just the place in my heart. Where he belongs. Where he resides. I need to make room for other love. Space for myself that has until now been shoved aside. I am letting go.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Missing you and loving you. Healing inside places and knowing you so close. Love you the most... mommy.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Kisses


What I see here in this picture is.. love.. joy.. peace.. hope. Kisses to our unborn baby... I am so thankful for all the pictures we have of our sweet baby Joe. This one is my favorite.... I can still feel the feather light sweep of his tender touch deep inside. How loved he is.. a silent tear of longing slips from my eye. A quiet sigh of missing him and what should have been. I know. I know... all the things I'm doing are for him. With him.. About him.. Sending kisses to heaven each day and night. His response echo's in my heart with each beat. Love... joy.. peace.. hope. Light.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Kisses and more kisses to you sweet little one. I miss you baby.. I love you and I feel you in each breath. Until forever... mommy

Monday, May 17, 2010

Tip


Just the tip of his fathers fingers touching his sons infant hand. Sometimes my heart hurts but with longing for my husband to have had more time. More time to be his father.. more time to be his son. To play baseball. To sleep on the couch... To sneak out to fast food when I wasn't watching. To love. He only got a tiny little tip. When I see him now I know what he is thinking and feeling and how often this little touch and go love has nestled into his heart. More than mine if possible.. more than most I can tell. His life like looking at an iceberg where you can't even imagine the enormity of what lays underneath or in this case.. in a life. Filled completely in 1 day.

Joseph can you hear mommy? 7 months old already.. I know more about you each day and your love keeps spreading out.. growing.. holding into so many lives. I miss you my son... Love mommy.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Times

I remember when I was little and I could use that phrase.. and everyone would abide by it... "Times" like a pause in action mid motion and nothing could happen to you because.... well "times". Somewhere in a tender sweet moment with my husband yesterday I felt just that.. We were at a friends graduation party enjoying all the day had to bring. Good friends.. good food.. lots of people around who love us and care so deeply. Just one of those days you wish you could stop and just say "times". I enjoy the people in my life so much. It is those tender soft stolen moments when we are out in a large group of people that make my heart melt with my husband. The stories of my childhood and young adulthood coming out. As I grow on in this life I cherish every second I have with each person... to care for the time as a new good memory to share later in our lives together. Each journey different for us but still we Circle each other in hope and life. I had a good time with everyone. I am so deeply moved by our friendship and caring. All in the name of hope and love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Sometimes I wish I had a "times" for you too.. and the day we had all together as a family. I bet yesterday you were resting on my shoulder as I spoke of you with such pride. I miss you baby.. and love you all the days that there are. Love, mommy.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Catch

Isn't it true that there is always a catch? I feel like I'm on this verge...A straight path toward something. I can't tell what it is yet.. I can't express the feeling I've had over me these last few weeks. I'm not running from it but for some reason I can't see it yet. Something good is about to happen I know it. Something wonderful... I feel it. Wouldn't it be lovely to wake up pregnant? To have a pregnancy where there are no complications no distractions and no reason to worry... or wonder. A place with no baby loss, infertility and pain? Ah yes.. the catch. I see... I've already had the part that isn't good... SO..Something wonderful is coming and I am on the verge of it.. I've already had the catch and this something is going to be my reward.. Deep strength is building and ready to emerge from me. Deep hope has bubbled right to the surface. I'm bursting with anticipation for what is coming.... It is about to be beautiful.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel you my son gaining in your heaven. I see you growing there and leaning over that cloud. Hands under chin.. Cheeks puffy with smiles. Your gifts are reaching in places I've never known. I love you sweet little Joe.. Mommy

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Planning

I can't stop my mind from planning. I try to just let things be and go with the flow and wait.. and wait.. for what is to happen to do it. I find myself planning anyway. I still have an ever so hopeful outlook. I still see myself with children. I know it is coming.. I just wish I could plan on the when part. We will try again at the end of summer. If.. and when.. and only.. and hopefully if my body decides to play nice. Things have not returned to normal sense before I was pregnant with Joseph. I think my body forgot how to do what it is supposed to do. I keep coaxing her back to reality but... again my plan is not the plan of the body.. the universe. So I wait and try to let things be and go with the flow and wait.. and wait.. and wait for what is to happen to do it..

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hey beautiful son... I have felt you so close these past few days.. so close I could touch you. You must be growing bigger in my heart each second. So large is my love for you. Mommy.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mothers Day


It hurts more than I expected.. and yet in a totally unexpected way.. beautiful. Today I know what it feels like to join in the millions of millions of other women who are celebrating what it feels like to be a mother. And now I know what we all want.. to mother.. to be loved.. to be accepted.. to enjoy each other. To parent.. to really show up for your child and allow them to be all that they are. The most selfless act in this world spoken so softly... Mom. And my heart just melts with being able to know... to know.. and finally to have. This wonderful experience of being mothered... and being a mother... and loving a mom.. and being present in today and all that there is. Life.. living and the precious gift we have.. our hearts. Give it openly.. honestly and there will be no greater love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? My son who made me a mother.. I am so proud of you. And on this day you should know how very very loved you are. My heart forever yours... mom.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

One day

Sunday should be my first mothers day... it should be a time when my husband buys me a little gift from the baby... Joseph would be just shy of 7 months by Sunday and I'm sure he would be laughing and moving all around.. My gift... Instead I am still celebrating mothers day.. but with Joseph in my heart. I am still a mother I know.. I am a mother to a son in heaven.. I know.. I am all of those things and so much more but... Sunday should be my first REAL mothers day and it is not. As I accept that fact and all the others that have brought me to this place I will celebrate all that I am now to everyone. I am a mother.. to my son in heaven.. I am a daughter to many mothers.. I am a friend so close we could be sisters... I am a sister.. I am your hope.. I hold your heart and on Sunday I will really know what it feels to be a mother. I'm heading out of town for this journey.. Be back late on Sunday. The best medicine for what might otherwise feel like a lost day.. not. And I'll have my first real mothers day... to a living child. It will happen - one day...one day I know.

Joseph can you hear mommy? My sweet baby son. My first born baby.. My old child.. No love can ever be greater than mine for you. I will celebrate your gift to me this year... that you made me a mother. Until forever.... mommy.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Kate Hope

Heaven has a new angel... her name is Kate Hope. Kate passed away in very early hours of the morning...in the arms of her mother and father on May 4th. She was loved every second of her short life. She was born with a heart defect that was known and her parents had prepared for surgery... she was diagnosed with no esophagus or tracea later that could not be repaired. She IS beautiful. Her parents are acquaintances of mine.. I do not know them well but expect now that I might get to know them better. Mom teaches at the same gym I do... She was also helpful to me when Joseph passed and gave me a really lovely gift that I keep at my desk at work.. One that I use each day. The gift she gave was a sentsy warmer and smelly things to put in it. Anyway.. when you turn on the light... the warmer shines beams of light in the shape of a butterfly and small circles that reflect directly out... When I got the news today of baby Kate's passing I was at work and the light shined a little brighter as if to warm our souls. My heart hurts for the sorrow she will feel in the days to come. My eyes red with tears for the pain I know she will have to endure. The beam of light shining a beacon of peace for all the babies gone to soon. As another mom joins our terrible club.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Please hold Kate's hand and show her how beautiful it is in heaven. I love you my son and am so proud of you and all that you are. Mommy.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Calm


There is a calm I can't explain... no longer in such turmoil in my mind and body. I feel free. I feel able and I feel acceptance in the path that I've been given. Often my posts may seem sad but know that they are not.. they are from a place of deep calm. I am stronger now.. I am prouder now and I feel more of every single emotion possible.. I easily smile still and have a sense joy in almost everything that I do. It is coming... don't know what yet.. but building in my mind are all of these wonderful things that I am either meant to do or be.. Showing itself in tiny little pieces... We shall see.. but yet still calm.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hi sweet love.. the littlest Jean taking such care from up above. I miss you dearly my baby.. All my love.. mommy

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Tender


Our time together stands still in my heart... and yet moves just as it should. The darkest clouds have moved out and big spots of your life have moved in. Memories can jumble together so different for each of us.. Gentle feelings of you in my arms resting against my chest. The sweet sent of baby skin near my nose. We melted together in a tale of life and love. Giving of each other what we are.. mother and son. Just but brief moments captured in my mind. All the hours where we nestled in while trying to be brave. Knowing that hope couldn't save you. Hoping for you anyway. The best moment as a mother I have ever known... your first and last breath on my cheek. The most tender hello and goodbye.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Beautiful. You are just beautiful. You gave me the greatest gift I can ever know... you.... Loves strongest bond..... mom.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

PJ the Dog Boy



Ok... So PJ I've talked about before.. one of my DOGS. He is the big male weighs about 85 lbs.... today he had surgery. I was worried about when I scheduled the appointment.. I was even more worried about it when I took him for pre-op blood work. I was a BASKET case this morning thinking that he might die... Because somehow I can manifest a dog having 2 teeth pulled under general anesthesia into... Everything I've deeply loved like a child or my CHILD dies.. now only this group or my friends can understand how I could even make that connection. Because I know how silly that sounds but.. I tell you I felt so sad today while he was not in my care. That someone else was looking after my little guy (my dog.. but he is so much more than that to me) So.. I cried. and then my husband whom I though would laugh at me for crying... said. I know how you feel and this time he will be ok. It did make me feel better that my feelings were validated and when the phone rang.. I Jumped up to get the news.. Not wanting to hear the news I made Paul answer.. he gave me a huge thumbs up and I sobbed.. He made it. My little guy (well big but ) he made it..... He is home safe... His tongue now hangs out the side of his mouth. I love this dog.. So very much . He is a gentle, funny, smart, tough, lover boy that I am thankful is in my life. It is that unconditional love... only a dog could know.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you so much.. and I know that PJ loves you too. I think you would have been best best buddies... I miss you. Until forever.. Mommy.