Thursday, April 29, 2010

Frustrated

So it has been about a lot of other people for me lately... helping.. hoping.. holding and keeping going on. I have been lighter and happier than I have been since Joseph died... I still have a quick cry reflex when news is either good or bad even if not for me. I notice even more so now.. that I want for other people... what I want... a complete family... not just my missing child back.. Because if that could happen I don't think any of this would make sense at all... I want for all the mothers to have babies again.. those who can't anyway... Does that make any sense? A good friend just received news that her IVF did not work and it crushed me just the same as if it were happening to me. My sensitive side (one that I did not know really existed) is in overdrive. I see more clearly other peoples hurts, desires and hopes and jump right in with them to be on the journey.. I will never know why... I don't ask anymore. Frustration for everyone who is, was, can't be but is trying to and are now but so scared because of what we all know can happen. Just want to burst. I think it is frustration...

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my perfect.. little wonderful boy.. my son in heaven who just is and I miss you so much... watch for all the little angels coming your way .... soak them up and shine your love. You are a gift... until forever.. mommy.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Ladybug

Driving home on the highway (stop in go traffic) the wind was blowing so hard that if I kept the window down a crack I would be blown into the next lane. While stopped for a small bit in the most congested area... a ladybug landed on my windshield. He had 3 spots on each wing and crawled all the way from one side to the other.... As I started to gain speed and the wind picked up again I figured this little ladybug would leave... nope. He hung on for dear life as we climbed to 65mph... stayed put on top of the wiper blade. I thought the little bug may have bit the dust and just got stuck so I continued home... Arriving in I decided to check on my new friend after parking the car... He was alive and crawled up my finger to the tip... opened his wings and flew. It was almost as if to remind me... Anything is possible. Lucky little lady bug.. I named him Lou.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You always surprise me with your awareness and gifts. I feel you my little one deep inside and all around. You are with me my boy and I love you and miss you and love you some more... Thanks for Lou. Mom.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

National Infertility Awarness Month

Myths and Facts about Infertility (with my opinion thrown in!) from RESOLVE
sending out the challenge for you to copy and paste with your answers in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week! (Thanks Liz)


Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Brandy: Could not agree more. In fact I volunteer on the RESOLVE help line every Friday for the Southwest Chapter.... This is the best place to find support for both me and my husband.


Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Brandy: Pack a bag... go on vacation.. and relax are all words that make my skin crawl. It should say... It is not in your head.. Seek help now so you don't waste a year spending all your money that you will need anyway for IVF...


Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption.

Brandy: I wish I wish I could find a simple way to state this. I AM NOT DONE TRYING YET.... Please don't tell me to adopt unless it is your child and you are willing to sing over the papers to me today... Don't simplify what is already the most painful thing happening in my life unless you know ALL THE FACTS and are prepared for just as much heartbreak potentially.. Also I am NOT BROKEN. I have children that are in need.. and they belong to me... I just have to wait for them.


Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Brandy: This is the best one... and the most funny...



Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Brandy: There is no greater love... than mine with Paul. We are in it for life. That is what it means to be married. For better or worse.


Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Brandy: Steam comes out of my ears when I hear this one..... Really? Does God tell a 15 year old to toss a baby in the garbage can because she is not meant to be a parent yet?

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be child free or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Brandy: I feel like my babies are on the endangered species list.. you can't touch them.


Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!

Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Brandy: As much as you want to keep going...time will still continue to pass.. and your body will thank you for healing... instead of pushing (note to self: please take own advise)


Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.

Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider child free living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.

Brandy: I will never stop until my family is complete....


Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.


Brandy: good thing for my husband.. mother.. sister.. friends..these blogs.. BLM's and RESOLVE. Or my life might REALLY be in crisis..

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you more than all the myths.. facts.. crap I've had to cry over.. explain through.. plead with.. hope for.. hang on to and put up with ... YOU are worth every thing... All of it.. and I would do it all again for another 37 hours. Mommy.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Little Wonders

From a wonderful friend - Who has found me (again).... but this time because of Joseph.. So very thoughtful... and it reminds me of the Love that my family has for one another... me, Paul and Joseph..... PB&J.

These are the words to the song... Little Wonders

http://www.sobermusicians.com/Tunes/littlewonders.mp3

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain
Littlewonders

www.sobermusicians.com

Baseball

It should have been the first time we took Joseph to the baseball field on Saturday night. He should have been there dressed in his Diamondbacks outfit that we got him. His little hat and onesie. It was good to go to a game but felt oh so sad once I got there. Empty arms when all around moms and dads so proud. We are learning to have fun again don't get me wrong... It is just times like these that I feel so cheated... and for my husband... he's been cheated. And yet here we are together... thinking of him and knowing that he would have been the greatest fan... right along side his dad.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you so much beautiful one... Big kisses to you in heaven.. Love mommy.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Joe's mom

This wonderful... thoughtful... and caring poem... was written to me today by my husband. Love just doesn't seem like a strong enough word when you get such a gift. Dad's are hurting just as a bad as we are and yet sometimes we forget to include them in our healing.... Lets just say he doesn't forget about me... and that is love.. So here it is... Paul's mothers day poem to me...

Joe's Mom

To hear it said, or speak the phrase
Whenever there was a chance.
To introduce yourself,
Or be introduced by others
So everyone could know
How proud you are and why.
You are so much more
Than those words could say.
But I wish you could have heard them.
You were, and are, and will always be
Joe's Mom

Joseph can you hear daddy? he loves you so much. We both miss you our son.. our little Joe. All of our love to you.. mommy and daddy

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Feelings


I have feelings sometimes... of Joseph. Actually of him. I feel my stomach roll or my rib ache where he used to kick. I know that he is with me always but sometimes it is so real The tiny pressure on my finger of his hand griping mine... the heavy head resting in my arms. Sometimes it is so real.. and then phantom. I see him in clouds or the way the sun rises.. I feel him in my body... it is so hard to explain. Warm comfort and then awe... It happens fast and goes quickly but it is so real that I can see him resting there.. still with me.. safe. I love the way that feels.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel you my son.. and see you in the good you are doing for others. The pain of missing you comes.... and there you are. I love you little one... my own. mom.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dr. Z

I have the kindest RE. His name is Dr. Z. His staff... himself just very good for me. They are gentle with my heart but firm in the ground they stand. They leave me hopeful and happy. I go there today with my husband. To assess the miscarriage I just had and find out why.. or why they think anyway I don't know if why could really be answered. We will find out how my body is holding up and see if I am gaining strength to move forward. We will try again by the end of summer if I am ready. Things I like about my Dr Z. He doesn't want to rush into anything. He takes his time with every appointment... He believes that there is more I can do on my own than he can do for success (that gives me the power to have children back) That is a hard one to explain. Knowing I can't do it on my own is so hard for my brain to compute... By him telling me that I make the difference with how I'm ready makes be believe that I am still in charge of this.. and success is in my hands. So we ready by... going to acupuncture.... going to a nutritionist for supplements... working out the body in the gym for the physical and seeing a councilor for mental wellness. NOW that is one well rounded Dr.. You won't see his name in any article for multiple births (ie: Nadia Crazy Octomom on Oprah today) but you will find him outside with his kids... walking in a charity event.. or being the coach... or right beside me... holding my hand on the next journey. It is not often when you can say that your Dr... really shows up for you. This one does. I am thankful. As we dip one toe back into the water....

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you can my son. You are my courage... to know that I can do this.. that I will be a mother to your brother or sister one day. I love you my precious little baby... my sweet Joe... until forever all my love.. mommy

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Roar



Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it whispers into you. Courage to just be with what is.... probably the hardest type to command. I don't know where it comes from .... deep inside my heart. I remember when I was young I was afraid of the dark... so I would cover my eyes with my blankets at night like the comfort of the cloth could protect me. No such naivety in the death of a child. It takes courage to keep going... knowing you could not help him anymore... knowing you had to let go... knowing that you would have to wait to see him again in heaven. No... courage doesn't always roar... but it takes it time with me. It focuses me... It comes from a place deep within I see it every day.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Beautiful baby... sweet little Joe. I love you so so much and the courage you have.... blinds me. I love you my forever baby - mommy

Saturday, April 17, 2010

This Months Away

It happened not too long ago.. I decided to stop wishing the months away. I am living still and just because I have to wait to try again.. or wait for another opportunity for IVF or FET... I don't have to stop doing what I love. I am finally back to the gym and that gives me so much peace. I am finally able to hang out with my friends and just enjoy them... what is going on with them... catch up on other lives and stop living in just my head. Time still passing I note that there is no sense in hoping for the next month to turn faster just to bring me closer. It is not in my hands anyway we all know that. So with a few months to spare and no decisions to be made as of late.. I just stopped wishing for it all to go so fast. Slow down. Just enjoy the moment.. the time.. the person.. the opportunity... the joy. My favorite saying.. Dance like no ones watching.. and love like there is no tomorrow.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I'm coming up for air again on the tidal waves of grief. I miss you little boy but my love is bigger... can you feel my smile. I love you.. mommy

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Said the Child

There was a little boy in the park by my house that I walk the dogs in almost every day... he was about 3 and his grand mommy was pushing him on the swing...
STOP Said the child to me.... and we all stopped. The boy said to me with his dark hair and blue eyes....

Child: I like your dogs
Me: Thank you they like you to would you like to pet them?
Child: No.. I'm swinging want to see me go up high?
Me: Yes lets see you
Child: My grand mommy told me that I can swing so high that I can touch heaven
Me: Yes... I bet you can
Child: but I'm too little to go there
Me: Yes... yes you are
Child: I bet you can reach heaven because you are bigger
Me: Yes.. I wish I could
Child: Bye doggies

And I wept the rest of the way home thinking.. if only.. if only I could swing to heaven.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I wish I could reach you... but I know I do from here. I feel you my baby and I get your messages. I love you my son... My big boy.. All of my love...mommy.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

SIX


It has been six months. Six since I held my baby in my arms. Time is just moving forward. So many good things have happened in these six months and yet all for a reason that is unthinkable. It happened and we are learning and growing and finding our way. He is teaching and growing in heaven too. I am amazed by my son... and my husbands strength. My two men are are really here for me. One in the spirit and one by the hand. Yes.. I miss my baby but.. oh I still got a life I'm living.... more of it better, wiser and stronger. Full of the blessing I had of his life and whatever else is to come.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Happy 6 month birthday baby... I love you until always and miss you until forever. not a moment goes by without you on my mind. In my heart beating ..... yours with mine.. and daddy... Love mom.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Weepy Eyes

It doesn't matter how long the day... how short the moment or how brief the time... I have weepy eyes each time I hear his name. I think about him all the time.. what ifs and whys. I see him in my dreams... I hear him in my mind. I hold him in my heart. It just doesn't stop my eyes from crying. Sometimes sad tears and sometimes happy ones. Each new day a surprise to understanding our loss. In the silent moments of winding down we notice the pictures on the wall... misty eyed I see past them a blur of what could have been. Until I meet him again I'll never know more than I already do right now. Quiet time to reflect and heal... new memories begin to fill the empty void. Hope still rings in my ear and determination elbows the way up front. I just weep at the loss sometimes. Miss my son today.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you sweet little one. My very own angel looking down and watching over. I've got my arms out and reaching up for you to catch my hug. I miss you little boy... love, mom.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Healing




It is always when you least expect it... the tears of a mother roll. Seeing old friends in these pictures urges them out. They are more warriors of hope running and walking for my son. Joseph was with them every step of the way... He carried them to the finish line and filled their hearts and mine. My tears are not over sadness but in how much so many people care. I knew they were running for him and I even got my own shirt to cheer them on from here... but when race day came, ahhhh my thundering heart sang. Seeing the faces of the team... looking at the beautiful day created for them to give... knowing that each step they took was for him. Just perfect. It heals the heart and feeds the soul new life... to begin again... to know that what I am doing is right. I am okay.. I am living and breathing... and hoping and loving. I am a mother.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you so much baby boy... I saw you in many reminders this weekend. Thank you for being with my friends and showing us all once again.. your importance. I love you my son... a thousand kisses. mommy.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The Race


Here they are.... my warriors of hope. The Love for Joseph Team (missing 2 people still in this picture) They are out there doing something so good.... for Joseph.. for babies. I am humbled by them and I am thankful for them... I am amazed by them and I am so grateful for them. THIS is what it is all about.. THIS is how I know Joseph will live on in others forever. From Arizona all the way to our Nations Capitol... There he goes. What a perfect day.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Can you see them running for you.. for hope.. for love and for other babies? I know you can. Watch over them. Love them too as they are doing this for you. You are Amazing my son.. I love you until forever... mommy.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Love for Joseph




I have often talked about Joseph and his gifts that he has brought to all of us. One of the biggest is how he has touched so many lives.... and helped so many people. My friend Kristen is one of those people who Joseph touched very deeply. She has 3 little boys of her own... Those boys mean the most to her in this life and Joseph... coming and going has touched her in every way a baby can. She feels him and knows him and loves him as if he is one of her own. She has helped me and guided me into hope... She is paying it forward for him. She is running in a race... 10 miles long. All the money she has raised will support children. The children's miracle network.... So that another child may receive a gift of hope and love and receive something special. These are the shirts that her team will wear!! Kristen.. from the bottom of my heart thank you. You are doing exactly what I think Joseph was brought here to show us... you are beautiful in every sense of the word and you make me feel important... like a mother.. I am so proud. Good luck to you and your team on the run. Our sweet baby Joe... look at him go!!!

Joseph can you hear mommy? Do you see us.... we are doing all of this for you.. You are amazing and we are all so proud to have known you. This is what I mean when I tell you.... you are amazing. My son... I love you until forever.... mommy

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Don't

Don't hold your head down when you pass by me... hold it up high. Talk to me about your children.. I want to hear how they are.. For some reason people seem to think I have leprosy or some strange disease... When other people find out they are pregnant.. They are afraid to tell me... like I'm going to jump out and turn into some sort of crazy person on them.. This is what makes me sad.. I WANT to be a mother to a child on earth.. I WANT to enlarge my family... I'd like to be invited to showers and birthday parties. Just because my baby died doesn't mean that you push me away. Sure I may cry when you mention his name but I love children... I love to play with them.. babysit them.. hold them and yes I would love to know you are expecting.. Don't forget me because it is sad that I don't have what you do... I will one day. Don't count me out because I can't bring my child to your play date. Don't spare my feelings because you should be excited to bring a little one safe into this world. Don't let me down... I'm already down there..

Joseph... can you hear mommy? I know you can.. I'm glad we have our happy times together.. we have our own play dates and parties in our own way. Celebrate one with me today... my baby.. I love you no matter what. Mom.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Penny

Just when I think the signs have stopped coming... There you are. When I'm down I feel you... When I am lonely you comfort me... When I smile you shine with the sun brighter. Last night while laying on the couch watching TV... I saw you. I almost missed it but you caught your dads attention just in time. I got up to go to bed and on the couch right under where I was sitting.... a Penny. Thank you. It was so sweet for you to leave it for us. I didn't have any pockets.... It was not there when I sat on the couch as I would have seen it... So, Perfect. I put it in my purse zipped in the little compartment where I keep all the little treasures I have. A little reminder of thanks and a little reminder that even the little things can mean a lot. Don't miss the sun rise because you are tired. Keep your ears open for the whispers in the wind. Focus your mind on all that you have.... Remember that something as small as a Penny can mean so much.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my treasure sender. My beacon of strength. I love you to the moon and back.. and hear you in the gifts you give... mommy.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Numb


One of the greatest feelings in my life is in the picture above. The first and only time I got to hold my son. The first and only day I got to kiss him and feel his body next to mine. One day of absolute bliss. Longing for that feeling again. I ache. I have never had a miscarriage before Saturday. I have read about them but I didn't know the pain. I feel numb. I feel empty. I felt my body letting go and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Disappointed... and sad. It is time for rest. My mind needs healing.. My heart needs to be replenished with strength once more. Feeling as if time has gone backwards somehow. I am sad for my journey....that it is this hard. Once the numbness wears off you will see... all that I am... resilient.

Joseph can you hear mommy? watch for the littlest Jean spirit. I love you my son. I miss you so much. My arms ache for you and your light. You are still shining in my heart and beating it for me today. Until forever, mommy.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Lost the fight

After 6 weeks and 4 days... my little rainbow baby fight was lost. I miscarried yesterday my hope. I mourned this child all day. It is a different kind of sorrow. I never saw the heart beat. I didn't hold this child in my arms. I never felt her move inside or get the hiccups. I almost didn't know my rainbow was there. She tried so hard for us.... just couldn't hang on. My body feels like a punching back. My heart has taken yet another blow. Let my spirit begin to rise on Easter. My focus has shifted into healing myself once more. Gaining the strength it will take and the courage to move forward once more.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Happy Easter my son. What a wonderful day to be in heaven. I'm smiling for you my little one. I miss you sweet baby. love mommy.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Roller coaster

I am on an emotional journey unlike anything I've ever experienced. the spectrum of my elation and sorrow is wide swung. So big that I may cry while laughing... Not one thing has been easy. Not one thing. I am not complaining about it because there is nothing I can do.. I'm not in the way.. I'm not asking why me... It just is. It just is hard. Yesterday I started bleeding. It was right before acupuncture and right after.. This has never happened before. It continued last night... but not this morning? Already fragile in my rainbow fight... I just don't know what to make of this. I don't understand. What happened? Am I still pregnant. I know some people have blood but... to me it is never a good sign. This did not happen to me with Joseph so I don't have anything to compare it too. I'm scared. nervous.. full of sorrow.. Still hopeful.. Again the giant roller coaster hill I'm climbing with this little one has not reached the top. I can hear the wheels clicking.... up but I don't know what will happen when we get there. It is not the most difficult thing I have ever done... wait. But wait while you know that the potential is so grand for this not to work.. wait until I have a definitive answer. Wait for more bleeding Or just pretend that didn't happen? Just so unsure. I am just on such a journey.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my big boy. I miss you so much each day. I wish you were here with me... I know you are comforted in heaven... mommy.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Good Friday

Happy Good Friday. Every Friday is Good... but I like that this one has a name. I'm making Gooey Bread for work.. The sun is up and we had a beautiful sunrise today. I am looking forward to Easter as we spend it with friends and family... I am also looking forward to April 7th. My husband and I will go and check on this little bean inside and see if baby is doing what he or she needs to do. Looking for that heartbeat. I am feeling alright. I have my rock of hope. Acupuncture today and a nice weekend planned. Some days are harder than others when you are dealing with loss of a child.. but, today is a good day and I'm ready to enjoy it.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I picture you with an Easter outfit of blue jean overalls with a giant yellow duck on the butt... You are so cute. I love you all the days... until forever.. mommy

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Missing Him


Sometimes all the strength... peacefulness...love... joy and hope that surrounds me can't stop me from missing him. With every ounce that I am.. I ache for him. My arms still empty I wonder about him. How big would he be now. Would those chubby cheeks be more round.... I can't help myself sometimes. My sweet little baby who had my eyes... Those tiny little hands wrapped around my finger. My moments with him memorized. I am not so overwhelmingly sad when I miss him. It is an empty ache.. I just know that there is a place not filled in my being. Who I am because of him so different. I simply miss my son.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are beautiful my boy... little Joe Jean... I can feel the weight of you on my chest as you comfort me in ways I didn't know possible. I still miss you so much my little one... my own. I love you, mommy.