Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Beta 5

It is very early today. It is the same time I am always up but for some reason I am tired. It might have to do with the fact that I did not sleep well last night. We have a nocturnal bird... yes a bird that seems to have his nights and days mixed up. He chirps from nine pm to five am... and then nothing. I really do not like this bird. For some reason in the back of my mind I feel like I need to tolerate this bird. Animal signs are pretty big deals. I don't know why this bird has chosen to visit and stay as if I'm being protected all night. Even with the window shut this bird .... chirps.... I can't make anything of it yet as the fog of sleep is still covering my mind. I also might have not slept well because today I go in for my last beta blood test. As I've written before... this little rainbow I've got inside is a fighter... First level 12..48..141..1114.. today I'm hoping that I'm at 2228. Once over the two thousand mark they will schedule the all important heart beat ultrasound.... I am only thinking of today. Today's fight to get my HCG level over 2000. Beta 5 just around the corner.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Our time yesterday brief. I wanted to stay longer. I felt your little foot and it makes me so happy. To be with you and touch a part of you still. You are beautiful my son. I love you and miss you so much. Mom.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Journey

Each day new.
Each day told.
Each way ripe to unfold.

Never lost without hope.
Never told if you lie.
Never spoiled if you cry.

Built on love.
Followed by strength.
honoured with acceptance.

Live in peace... this is your journey

Joseph can you hear mommy? You amaze me with your talent and you are helping this new soul come into this world. How sweet of you to want a brother or sister. I know your hope. I love you until forever... mommy.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Worth the wait


For all the time has passed... For all the issues that we had in getting this... The marker is in... It was worth the wait. I can't believe almost 6 months have passed. It seems just like yesterday that I held him in my arms. I kissed each toe and rubbed his little feet. I miss him so much. Being able to visit Joseph now I feel relief. He finally has his permanent marker. When I visit him now I can sit and feel the little foot. I feel even closer to him. Each line is his.. each toe I've touched before. It brings me such peace... he is at rest. I love to sit and sing to my son... I love to listen to the waterfall and hear the birds chirp. I love to feel his little foot. I'm going to be alright... Joseph's peace makes me feel settled. My mind at rest I can breathe just a little deeper... Joseph's marker is here and it is beautiful.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my little sweet baby. My beautiful boy who is in heaven. I miss you my sweet little one. ... Oh, Joseph Jean... how much I love you.... mommy.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Fish Day

Yesterday was really an amazing day. My mother in my heart, my sister and I went to the Spa... We went to an amazing place called the Golden Door Spa at the Boulders. It was a beautiful drive.. followed by Bliss. When we arrived we all got our robes and slippers.. checked out the locker room .. It was filled with fruit infused water... snacks...showers.. steam room.. sauna... whirlpool and relaxation area.. All that before we even started treatment. Already settling in for sheer delight. First I had a massage where I turned into a big moosh pile.. Next up was a body scrub where they use Vichy showers.. ummm I'm pretty sure that shower thing should be illegal. Amazing... Lunch came next where we ate the most Delicious spa food created. you know sometimes spa food is a little too little and way to bland... not here. Delicious.. Absolutely Divine.. Off to the last treatment of the day a facial. As if my body wasn't already liquefied... A true beautiful day with the most important people in my life to share it with.. Fish day you ask? we are all signs of the Pisces.. celebrating our birthdays in different months... but with rising sun's moons or suns together we are Pisces non the less... This is the first annual fish day... Looking forward to the next one already. Bliss

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are guiding me to understanding and to helping others so much. You are so beautiful. I miss you but love you to heaven and back.
mommy.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Finding Joy

Finding Joy with Femail Creations!

Sit back... Relax... and Enjoy. This is beautiful. Just click on the link above.. and then press play.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you until forever my son. I am with you always. Love, mommy.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Life

It is so precious. It is so unbelievable and it is so wanted by all BLM's. We will never see them grow up. We will never know if they were funny or smart.. gifted or athletic. I know in my heart Josephs life would have been fun that is for sure. I wish for him in heaven sometimes the same as I would have wished for him here.. That he is happy and comforted.. mostly that he is loved. I know he knows that and I know how much at peace I am with him there.. With heaven being so real and the gifts that he has brought... Our struggles to conceive I've posted.. Our fight for life gaining momentum I've been focused for a while on us.. my family. I need to turn my attention to another part of life.. one where others need me. It is time I do more for those that are in need. I started helping a friend on her journey in infertility land. I went to her house to be there just in support while she did her first shot.. She didn't need me there but it is was nice none the less to be needed just in case. Another close friend of mine is where I'm headed next. I'm going to her and her family for a while... They have experienced a loss but the focus is not on the departure of the person who's gone but on the two children (teenagers) that need guidance.. acceptance.. hope.. and love. I will be there... Even if it is just to bring lunch today. Even if it is just to listen... Drive an errand or to encourage. There are so many underlying layers of the circle of life. Just remember to look around you for those who might need you and help. Life as we know is way to short to stay inside yourself. Spread your gifts of strength to everyone you can.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Good morning my beautiful. I love you my son with all my heart. mommy

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Little Fighter

....48 became 141. I am officially pregnant. You all know how soon this is.. You all know all the what if(s) and hope for(s).. but our little fighter went from 48 to 141.. The Dr. literally threw his arms up in the air today and said.. This is a miracle... We will nick name baby laila (as in Ali) I'm pretty sure baby will be a girl because she has already given us so much trouble. Dr. still wants one more blood test next Monday.. and then we will need to wait at least 2 weeks to check for a Heart beat... I am 6 days behind.. but nowhere close to giving up. Round 4 next Monday. DING

Joseph Can you hear mommy? Looks like you have helped us so much. Tell God thank you from us too. You are unbelievable. I love you mommy.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Building

Yesterday I went back to the Dr... I had pretty much resided to the fact that my little 12 was just that a glimpse of life but nothing more. I waited by the phone for the Dr to call and tell me that was that.... Instead as the phone rang I heard a little smile on the other end. Not sure what to make of that I said what is it? Dr told me that my little 12 is now a 48! I laughed. Really? A 48 so my little one did what it was supposed to do over the weekend... Double and then Double again. So where hope was fleeting fast for me new wind hit the sails. Taking a lesson from my post a few days ago... Realistic.... a 48 is not even close to being out of the woods. We will take another test on Wednesday.... and aim for a 96. If my number doubles again... We just might have a chance after all. So early.. So Soon and SO much a roller coaster.. I ride as if not to worry. I'm keeping my mind grounded hard.... but peaking up from the ground is a little sliver of green hope. Maybe I'll beat the odds.. We all know odds and I are not friends anyway.. so maybe odds are trying to correct things.... So I know less today than I did on Friday last week. I will just be patient and wait until Wednesday.... my little life is building in there and I just hope it might be a permanent residence. And 12 became 48.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel you wishing on us from up above. I can tell you want a brother or sister as much as we do. Thanks for helping us hang on.. You are a powerful little boy.... beautiful and full of talent. I love you my baby. Mom

Monday, March 22, 2010

It is


It is today. I am going for blood work. We will see if my little 12 has grown or if that was chemical. I dare not wonder at this point. No changing the path created now. I am actually calm. I feel ok with whatever happens. Not that I didn't wish or worry all weekend but I know that I can't change what happens today. I can't change what happens any day. It is early and I am the only one awake. With the house silent I can't stop thinking of Joseph. This same time last year he was still our secret. We hadn't told the world about him yet. We waited until the 12th week. This time so different. We have told everyone we know about our chance.. Now I just want to keep it a secret even if only for another day. My little 12.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my son. I'm pinching those big cheeks today and kissing your tiny toes. I miss you baby. With all my heart I send you love... Mommy.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Realistic

And so the news about me being pregnant with my rainbow is not great... but not over yet. I have to be realistic to protect my heart. My pregnancy test was positive on Friday and I should be so excited, however, the number they were looking for was an 80... Mine was a 12. I know that numbers don't mean much but, my Dr followed up his news by stating this... I've been in practice for 20 years and in that time only 1 person with a number so low was actually pregnant. So I continue my meds until Monday and wait. I hope deeply but my realistic mind won't go all the way into believing. The chance of this child surviving so small I've almost already begun to grieve again. I am stuck in this place of not knowing... hoping... wishing... wondering... and sorrow.. It is almost like I know it didn't work but my body has tried so hard for me that it wanted to show a faint positive. With my head tall I stand. With my mind understanding I move forward again. Today is also the "walk of hope" very fitting. I am joining thousands of families who are not yet complete as we RESOLVE our dreams together. We walk for Joseph. We walk for this new life trying so hard to make it. We walk for our future and for never giving up until our family complete.

Joseph can you hear mommy? We will be walking for you today. Look for all of us as we march along so proud to be your family.. your friends.... your mommy.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Occupied

My mind is filled with the what ifs... and hopes are darting around in there somewhere... It is very hard not letting those pesky doubts loose. Tomorrow is the day we find out if the FET worked... two more shots to go...All of it I will do again if needed. Strength is coming in from unexpected sources. I am surprised now at how many BLM's I've met that also are dealing with infertility. It breaks my heart. It also shows me that death happens to more than just me and to suck it up.... How I wish I could just have some "fun" and wake up pregnant. So far I've met and chatted to 4 BLM's in this same boat and now I'm sure that their are more...but even 4 makes this world seam smaller. Somehow comforted we roll. Still going to work.. Still doing the house work.. Still being a wife, daughter, friend. All the while my heart with each beat thinking... Joseph... new life and my mind otherwise... Occupied.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you sweet little son. I am sending you kisses and snuggles and love. So much of what I do is for you. I miss you my baby. Love, mom.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Lucky


SO Lucky. Lucky I carried him for 9 months... Lucky to hold him. Lucky to Kiss him and Lucky that He lived long enough for me to say goodbye. Doesn't feel lucky that he is gone but... considering the circumstances around his conception and arrival.. I feel like I am. Lucky to have a loving husband... Lucky to have a home and a job. Lucky to have Love... and Hope. Never before have counted so many blessings... but I have them still. I am still lucky in life. I guess everyone is just a little bit Irish today... Lets hope I'm lucky in rainbow making. Last night I dreamed and my Dr sat me down. The said congratulations it worked.. He patted my leg and then I went to the park. Lucky me. Maybe dreams can come true.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Please pinch Andrew from me today..... He is way more Irish than you.... I love you sweet baby boy. I am so Lucky to have you. Until forever.. mommy

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

half way of waiting

We are half way.... of waiting.... to find out if the FET worked. I am an emotional wreck. I cling to each little tiny internal bubble .. twinge... or tweak thinking it might be because I'm pregnant. I am ever so hopeful. I am ever so scared. I know that what is... already is and that I can't "wish" to be pregnant but man oh man... I'm wishing so hard. Hoping so much and crossing my fingers, toes and anything else I can think of. Thank goodness for friends who can comfort me when I am feeling weak and for friends that can be positive for me... It has been so much harder than I thought. My battered body bruised. My mind with worry and wonder. My heart hopeful and light but.... shadowed. Including today.. 4 days left of waiting. Willing my body to produce HCG. Come on Friday. Hello Baby(s)

Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you little baby boy... I love you so big. I am so proud that I had you. I will never stop loving you and you will always be my heart. Love mommy.

Monday, March 15, 2010

5 Months


Tick... Blink... Tick... Blink... and 5 months have gone by. Today would be Josephs 5 month date today. How can time be going by so quickly... and still yet so slow. I am mostly remembering him in each moment. Joseph was here so briefly and I continue to see how much he has changed so many people.. So many people are living more freely. Open to the idea to talk about infant death.. loss and even heaven. It amazes me now how many times I say those things that were not so spoken of before...I am able to talk about him and his passing now with a quiet strength I never knew I had. He is reaching others that never got to know him. Still gaining in his strength along side me. Yesterday as I was meeting with my group from RESOLVE. We were stuffing bags... making signs for our walk of HOPE that is this Saturday.. Josephs story came out again.. and again and one woman told me something.. A mother who's family is not yet complete.. is unstoppable. I couldn't agree more and then in my mind....Joseph is unstoppable... He will continue to effect others lives daily.. He will always be remembered and as each month passes I only know these things to be true... and he is amazing.

Joseph can you hear mommy. Your little giggles and signs are cherished. So much of you felt here with us. Missing you still but loving you more.. my precious son. Until forever.... mommy.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Believe

Believe. It is my favorite word. It amazes me and encourages me. It awakens me.... When I believe in something I never let it go. When my husband believes in something everything seems possible. We believe in us and so life is good. No matter the day, the outcome, the seemingly impossible task.. believing and meaning it has encouraged us to keep going. We miss our son... but we believe that we will be together again and that is comforting. It is not fair or right but it is truth. We believe in family and that this FET worked because what else can you do. I find myself saying this word a lot and meaning it. I find myself lost in this word a little when I have to own it that Joseph is gone. I believe in my journey and look forward to what the rest of the road looks like. Be in the moment.. Elevate your heart... Lift yourself up.. Invision your road. Encourage strength... Value your self and Envelope all the love that surrounds you.

Joseph can you hear mommy? The birds are chirping and the sun is shinning. Thanks for the sunshine my little one... my own. I miss you more than I have words but believe in our family... until I hold you in my arms again... love mom.

Friday, March 12, 2010

All In




What an emotional journey already. I had no idea the wave that was going to hit when I got back from the Dr. Our rainbow's are in and I am waiting for the results.
Doubt creeps in and questions flood my mind. Did we do enough... am I strong enough... are the eggs good enough... Harder to push those doubts away and not allowing for any negative energy to seep in is just hard. I am doing all I can. I know.. We are all hoping for the best... I know... and I still see myself pregnant again. I don't even want to write one negative thing here. Keeping myself in the light, rising above the doubt and HOPING... and Hoping. This little gift came to me at just the right time.. and just how it should be. A beautiful nest made with aromatic lavender and lots of love... filled with eggs. All nestled into the basket. A vivid and tangible reminder that this journey and these hopes are touching so many others and helping me... is humbling. I could not be more grateful. I could not be more hopeful. I am standing raw and exposed to what comes next. A warrior against doubt. I stand tall and proud and yet just below the surface...

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you, tenderly and soft. In the predawn hours when you visit I cherish. Your warmth carries me and my heart lifts. All of my love to you my baby. Until forever, Mommy.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

ROCK




Light attracts light... Love to love. Hope trumps all. This is my rock. The one I hold every day. holding onto hope lifts me up to the light and fills me with love. Two little souls will be transferred today. Two beans of hope peaking in toward Joy. Warm in spirit I placed the rock with Joseph's tiny angel and glowing in the background... New Arrival(s) A baby is a precious gift sent from the lord above. A tiny little blessing.. A miracle of love. A brand new little person(s) who needs a lot of care. Lots of hugs and kisses and love beyond compare. So we will hold this rock as a reminder each day. Of the day God blessed us with wee ones so special.... you and you with us today.

Joseph can you hear mommy? We are going today to hope for your brother or sister or both. We are so glad that you have helped us be at peace and with love for new life. You are amazing and beautiful. My first born forever... mommy.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Almost There

With Joseph in my heart... and Paul by my side we will go for our FET transfer tomorrow morning. I didn't sleep well last night. Just tossing and turning over things in my mind. A wave of calm seeped in. I had one clear thought that cleared out all of the other things in my head.... Joseph whispered it to me as it was so soft against my pillow... Hope. Our Embryo have thawed and we are going to get this "chance" this hope this opportunity.... All with knowing that our son is now our biggest cheerleader. He in heaven is shining down our hope. I will be off of the blog for a day or two.. Just know how excited I am and hope..FUL.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I can hear you my son, my talented boy. You are so beautiful. I'll see you in my mind and feel you in my heart when I go tomorrow.
I love you with every ounce that I am. Mommy

Monday, March 8, 2010

Holding


We are holding on. We are holding onto each other. We have our time to plan and to reflect and to decide. We love that chance is coming. Two little souls are up there waiting for us. It is good to have this hope. I much thought I'd be dreaming again this close to our transfer date but the dreams have been silent. I am a peace. It feels good... To breathe deep and to love... No anxiety. Just acceptance. Keeping our fingers crossed but knowing that is not necessary. Wednesday will be our big day. We are on our way together as a family. TODAY's Embryo UPDATE.... 4 are now Number "1" WHAHOO. This is awesome news and what we were hoping for. So wednesday they will be given a letter grate... Everyone think of AA - ALL A's please... Things are looking better each day.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I feel you squeeze my hand. Your finger wrapped around mine each day. The soft and tiny pressure never leaves my thoughts. A thousand kissed to you my sweet. Love Mommy.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Day 2 - Make progress

Yesterday I was nervous and today I'm thankful. For everyone who has said a little prayer thank you. Our Embryo have divided. We initially had 4 at a number "3" that was not too good and we were talking of having to do the transfer tomorrow instead of Wednesday. Today... is a new day. 1 of those little babies made it to a "2" and 4 made it to "3" so we had 2 additional embryo make it overnight that they were not expecting. Relief that we get to go to the full 5 day blast is in my heart. Excitement for what our chances are. Hope beyond my wildest dreams. Love for all...

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my son - you are amazing. You are what drives us forward with you in our hearts each day. You light the sky with our hope. My beautiful son.. I love you mommy.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Prayers Needed....

Ok - We ask a lot of each other.. and I need your help. Our "babies" were thawed last night. 7 thawed. 6 made it but only 4 look "promising". We are hoping that 2make it past tonight. They grade your embryo and ours on a scale from 1-5 are a 3right now.. Please pray that they make it another night and move UP from a 3 to a 2.. or 1. We need all the help we can get. If the eggs don't improve overnight they will do the transfer on Monday instead of Wednesday. We would really like for them to hold up for us to be full 5 day blasts. Pleae just say gently to the guy upstairs that we pray love for a miricle. To become preganant with our rainbow baby or babies. Please... Please... please.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I'm asking you to help today. Tap god on the shoulder and see if he can please help us and our babies make it. We need a little brother or sister for you as I know you would want us to. I love you my son. Forever, mommy.

Friday, March 5, 2010

A different kind of parent

All of us... who have our empty arms are a different kind of parent. We parent our thoughts about our children on these blogs. We care for a nurture our grave sites or urns. We look for sings and try to make sense of them when they arrive. We are parents just of a different kind. Mothers and fathers to babies not on earth. It is so different to raise a child who is already lifted so high. None the less we do it. In my heart of hearts I feel we are the best parents. So today I become a parent again in a totally different realm from loss... My children (embryo) are being thawed. Yes that sounds funny but they are. Today I become a cheerleader for them to make it. For them to divide in cells and to become blastosits for us. Each morning they call to tell us how our babies are doing... like a preschool or daycare would report your child's progress. I hope for good results. I pray for good grades.... yes they grade them A to D. We are hoping for little spirits to join our clan. Today I become the parent of more than 1. what an awesome responsibility. I already love them, have dreams for them and pride. Wednesday is our day we will be reunited and it feels like a good one to me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hello my beautiful we are proud of you for helping us and we are loving you deep in our hearts. mommy.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Take my breath away



I am speechless and in awe of this gift. Talk about just what I've wanted since Joseph died. A picture of him without all of his tubes and hospital gear. I stopped at Josephs big boy place today. I just decided to go there to say hello. I played our song on my i-touch... the one that makes me feel like we are together again. The song that I played every day that he was carried in my belly. I talked to him and just loved him for a while.... When I got home... THIS gift was at our house. Tears of pure joy. Getting something new of him is so special to me. Seeing how much he has touched others growing large in my heart. Truly amazing. My husbands step father Bill Hunt made this for us. He captured our Family. He made a visual change to something that could otherwise not be changed and I am Beaming from ear to ear. A big giant piece of my heart beating Big. Thank you is just not enough. Huge Love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you did today my son and I felt you to. As we dance to the fireflys together bonded by our song.. I hold you in my heart always, love mommy

squeak ectomy


I have to laugh. Emma girl has been our baby for 9 years. She is so full of herself and life. This picture reminds me of just to stop and take a breath. Laugh and enjoy everyday things. She brings us so much joy. She is performing their 10,000th squeaky ectomoy in this picture. Poor little fluffy thing. It never had a chance. Needed distractions like this make me feel good. Seeing simple things and laughing that you have no control over stopping it from happening a reminder. Just a little thing and I feel like I can roll onto another day. I can bring Joseph forward with me and know that everything is going to be ok.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you and Emma would be best buddies. She misses you too as she sleeps in the nursery in the early morning hours each day. I love you my baby. Mommy.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Healer

I am still amazed each day at the love and support we received after Joseph died. I have good people in my life still honoring him and loving him and talking about him. We still get posts to his FB page and I check each day like looking at email to see who's stopped by to say hello to him. So many more people have newly come into my life and have started lifting me out of the darkness further still. Two of these people have been given a great gift.. to heal. I go to acupuncture and I've talked about it before but, I just need to say it again. It is amazing stuff and it gets the grief out. It opens my heart and allows me to feel true happiness. When the Dr. performs acupuncture in my lung points... I can feel the sadness moving out and away. At times when I am there it feels almost gone. What a great gift to give a grieving mother but peace. Then there is my friend... who's gifts have come in a different form in that of massage. Healing my body by soothing the pain. The gift of Touch. I think often we forget how much we need to be touched and held. She has the ability to work out the pains and sooth the hot spots so that I can feel rested. Healers don't come often. There are a lot of people out there who would like to be or think they are.. But, I know better. Huge helpers those who have and own and then share this gift. I am always amazed at how Peaceful and Rested I am after each treatment.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Good morning my son.. my little wee baby. I'm kissing you and holding you so close from here. I miss you my baby. mom.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Beat



There it is beating.... my heart for him. There it is loving... his heart for me. All the world settled into so to few moments. Each beat of the heart faster and fuller. Joined in arms and smiles of love. Captured grace of heart in holding Joseph Henry. Whispered in the soft beat of his heart trust. A teardrop fell in silence but I smiled. We still cry when we mention his name. It still hurts that he is not here. But, we love that each moment was cherished. He knew complete love from beginning to his end here. Each lub dub... lub nub beat of my heart now for him.

Joseph can you hear mommy? So precious are you. So gifted to lift us up for one so small. My beautiful son.. I love you until forever, mommy.