Sunday, February 28, 2010

Birthday

Birthday has a whole different meaning to me now. Much like everything else in my life. But, today was the day that I came into this world kicking and screaming. My mom tells the story that when I was born I came out with my hands clasped together.. like I was praying.. I don't have a picture of it because they didn't let you back then.. But I like the story none the less and it makes me happy there are good birth stories. She said that I was praying to go back in the belly because I was headed home to 5 brothers and sisters..... Smile. On another big birthday note..my husband is amazing. I'm so thankful for him and all that he does. I received so many great gifts from him. Not all tangible objects either. Patients is the best gift he has every taught me. He is compassionate and caring and puts up with all the hormones (that are really bad right now). I've been wanting a digital photo frame to take to work with me... You guessed it. I got it this morning. It was wrapped up so nice and waiting for me when I got out of bed. Super way to start this day.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are the best gift I have ever received. Last year I was just getting to know you in my belly. Only a handful of people knew you just yet. We had not told anyone you were coming. You and I had a secrete. I love you baby boy. I miss you so much my son. Mommy.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

AMA

Tomorrow I will officially be AMA. Advanced Maternal Age. Thanks mother nature! I feel like I'm 25 so I'm not sure why this 35 thing is rearing its ugly head in my mind. I'm in good shape and take care of myself so this really should not be an issue but... it... AMA does not sound good to me. Some light on this side of a sarcastic morning? My Eggs are only 33 years old so THERE. (See I don't act like I'm 35) My husband and I had IVF in 2008. We were lucky and got 33 eggs. 24 of them fertilized. We couldn't do the fresh IVF due to more issues with me... So they all froze. In January of 2009 we used 8 to get Joseph. Funny how everything has a reason.. Joseph is my dads 8th grandchild too. Things that make you go hummm. At any rate I've got 16 babies waiting for me. More things that more than a coincidence... They finally called about our Marker for Joseph's big boy place. It was supposed to take 8 weeks... it has been 16 weeks and they told us that it will be just a bit longer. They will get the Marker on the 8th of March and it takes 2 days to put it on.... so that brings us to the 10th. Ahhh that is the day will be doing out transfer. SO... take THAT AMA. You can't stop me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? My beautiful boy... so patient and strong. I love you my son. I miss you my baby....mommy

Friday, February 26, 2010

Throat

Just when you think you are coming around a big turn. Feeling good.... or better anyway my Throat closes up and I can't talk... I can't eat.. I can't think. I miss my son. As much as I catch my breath and try to swallow hard it just won't go down. There is a giant bubble of grief stuck inside. Yesterdays acupuncture gave much needed rest to my mind and body allowing me to turn the attention to the potential for new life once again. I'm trying to focus on bringing the joy into my life so that a wee one would want to join in on the fun. My experience in the rainbow baby goal... HARD. Harder when you stuff yourself with injections of lord knows what to make your body acceptable to host life but... Stranger is the mind to have sorrow and hope. Real hope and real sorrow mixed into one big lumpy ball catching in the back of my neck. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I wonder if a stranger could tell if they where to look in... just for a moment. Would they see me and say. Ah.. yes that poor woman has a lump in her throat because her son died and yet a gleam in her eye for new baby life. It is written all over my face.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? I love you my son. Dancing in your PJ's in heaven. I miss you my baby... always in my heart... mom.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Treasure


Father and Son. So glad to have this... It is a treasure. My boys. My heart walking around on the outside of my body... beating for them. Seeing it always brings tears to my eyes. Love in my heart. This is after. After the fight. After the death. After when we finally got to hold our child without all the tubes and plugs. Comfort and strength... disbelief. Small relief that the pain is now gone. Big love. A hole in my heart still beating but with less. That space never to be filled again only for him. This child and this man part of me. Joy.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my little one.. my own. Until forever.. your Mommy.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Hard

It has just been hard this past few days and weeks. The uncertainty of it all. The waiting... the wondering... the knowing and I still have to go to work. Infant death stares me in the face each day as I walk past the nursery to the office to write. New hope pinches me in the stomach each night when I give myself injections for IVF. All the while my hormones are on fire within me screaming at every turn.... stop and enough already. My body is just like a bouncing ping pong ball. Back and forth I go between the light and the dark. Hope for new life drives me forward. Hurting for Joseph keeps me grounded. Not to mention that in just a few short days I'm turning 35. Not that the age is such a big deal to me but in fertility land it is. 35 is some sort of magical number where the doctors just look at you like. You are 35 and you don't have a child yet. I'm sorry but this is going to be difficult. They don't really tell you that it is just the look on the face of everyone. In everywhere I read 35 is the beginning of the end for you. Yes I know women today are having children into their 40's but... it is just hard. Turning another year older and starting over. Loss, IVF, Work... babies, new life... hope. I struggle with all this emotion. I am not even close to giving up on the fight.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you and miss you my baby. You are amazing. Your love shines in my heart. The greatest reminder of what I'm doing. All of my love forever your mommy.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Kiss

It has been really rainy this winter. The desert needs it so much that each time it rains it makes me smile. It is very cleansing and beautiful to see the water wash the dust and dirt back down. I can only imagine what the bloom of spring will bring with all of the moister we have received. I don't know why I think of heaven when it rains so much but I do. Is it angels crying or is it the reward of the circle of life being given back. The rain had almost stopped when I went out to walk the dogs. Not a drizzle left in the air. When the wind blew a few shakes of water fell to the earth. Returning home in the middle of the sidewalk right before I made it to my house... a single raindrop fell. It landed right on my lips. It was the most beautiful kiss I've ever received... It came directly from heaven. So tiny and pure. So wonderful that I have not stopped smiling about it. Now when it rains I will think of not the angels crying but all of them sending kisses to their loved ones.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I received your kiss. It was so beautiful and sweet. Thank you for reaching me. I love you so much. I miss you each day. You are amazing. Mommy.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Unbreakable




There is an unbreakable bond between us. The family we are three. The together kind of feeling that always will be in us. You can't stop the love and you can't take that away from us. Death does not stop our family. Love shines daily with understanding between us and cemented in all of our love is Joseph. I wake thinking of him and sleep thinking of him. In between most of my daily thoughts turn to him. Together we are committed to This path... This life... This love.. This place of us. Us three. We need to do more to spread Josephs gifts of hope and joy. I don't think there could ever be enough. Time is bringing us closer. Love is mending the sorrow. Family is driving us forward.

Joseph can you hear mommy? My beautiful son my love for you blends the lines and won't be stopped. I'm kissing your sweet face and snuggling you in tight. Mommy.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Tickle Spot



Despite all the tubes and needles... blood pressure cuffs and cool caps, Joseph had a tickle spot. I love this picture because he is showing us his personality. If you see just past all of the medical equipment there he is fussing. We were bothering his leg. Just behind his knee. If you rubbed it he would get all mad and almost laugh. Just in this moment he almost opened his eyes. Almost...I know that would be his tickle spot today if he were here. That would be the place you irritate just because you are the parent and that is was parents do. I miss him. I miss knowing about him and how his life would have been here had he lived. My time with him just too short. The faintest signs of him still present on my body. Connected in spirit now. I try to tickle him from here. I do things that would make him smile in heaven. I try to be silly for him and make faces as I would for him here. Every time the sun shines directly in my eyes I feel him laughing and that I've reached is tickle spot somehow from here.

Joseph can you hear mommy? When you giggle I feel you too. I love you my boy, the most beautiful baby. I miss you my son... Until forever, mommy.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Mess

Nothing good happens when you get a phone call at 4:45 in the morning. My mom is sick and that is awful. She has valley fever and didn't want to "bother" me because, you know... I'm grieving. Ahh yeah so that is a whole different chapter in my book. Needless to say she needed help at 4:45 AM. Here is the conversation.

mom: I need help with my medicine
me: What do you need?
mom: I can't get it because I'm coughing too much
me: I'll be right over.

I hang up fly down the road in my PJ's no bra and slippers. I was thinking... She couldn't get to the medicine because she was feeling so weak or maybe couldn't get the lid open or something.. I walk in ..

me: where is your medicine
mom: At the store nobody got my prescriptions filled
Me: why didn't you tell me that yesterday when the stores were open?
Mom: I didn't want to bother you because your grieving.

WTF?!! So off to find a 24 hour pharmacy I go.. Find one and mind you I now remember I have no money with me.. SO back to the house.. back to the store. Get meds..get soup, juice, cough drops and take it back to her house.

Me: Here is all the stuff.. I hope you feel better
Mom: I don't want to take any medicine
me: why not?
Mom: because I feel bad I made you go when you are grieving.
me: that is just dumb - take the medicine feel better and I'll call you in a few hours to make sure you are doing better. I love you
Mom: I love you too I'm sorry about Joseph.

Ah WTF? I think I am ready for parenthood.


Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you did this morning and thank you for keeping my patients in check. I love you son who is so beautiful. The sun rose while I was out helping your mamalene... I saw you smile as the ray came over the mountain. I love you until forever, Mom.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Framily

Framily is what you get when you have friends that are so close they should have been family. I have a lot of friends that fit into that role. There are a lot of women who have joined my framily over Josephs death. I sometimes wish I could take my whole framily with me to work each day so that it is not so hard to be away from my son. Its not that he's not everywhere, he is further away from me when I work because well... I have to work and my mind goes elsewhere. There should be framily waiting for you in the cemetery any time you want to go. It is just so strange sometiems to talk to a marker on a wall out loud. I was thinking about my extended framily and I noticed that really they are with me all of these times. It is just so good to have a group of people who care so much that they hold me up. I am exhausting so I know how hard this must be. So too my framily members who do so much I thank you. I love you.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Good morning baby. I miss you my son. My one and only child. I am kissing your sweet lips from here. Your framily is holding me up high. I love you baby ... mommy.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Faith


Faith. You have to have it. I questioned it...I've always had it but, I didn't really understand it like I do now. I watched him take his last breath. I felt it on my cheek. The small pressure from his hand released. God wrapped my son in his arms and he was lifted. Heaven became real. Without question I move forward knowing this as comfort. Seeing it first hand I am still in shock and awe. The cusp of the gate still open for moms here on earth without our babies. Presence heightened so light can enter the heart. Relief in the grief just knowing where he is... Shinning.

Joseph can you hear mommy? My beautiful boy... I miss you my son. I love you beyond words beyond heaven. Mommy

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Press

I fill the needles with air.... push them into the vial... release and then pull back in the stuff that will lead to life. Before the stick I deflate the air out of my lungs I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Mommy, Sister, Daughter, Friend. I am so hopeful. Is it too much to ask? When I press on the back of the syringe and release the potential it is giving that is when I fall silent. This is the press. This is the push to move forward. Joseph in my heart so deep I question my ability to juggle it all. Scatterbrained movements, reactions, numbing reality. Can my body do this. How is it that I have this much capacity. One to Press onward even now when I Know what can happen. Are our minds so amazing they can trick even ourselves into believing that anything is possible... In some strange way I guess this is what a mother to a living child would feel if they were about to give birth to a second. Can you love enough.. Can you hope enough.. Yes, I know that answer but with each press I just question. With odds being not and then in my favor will it work the first time again.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you babe... I love you my son. I am holding you in the light and catch you in the suns rays each day. Thank you for my hugs. Mommy

Monday, February 15, 2010

PB and J


Family. I see true happiness, excitement and promise. My pregnancy photos are cherished because Joseph is safe in my belly. Complete. Our hearts exposed here. The longing to be together again...new each time I see these. As yet another holiday passes without our son I dig into the place where he resides... my heart. Only fitting for Valentine's day that I see us together again, whole. Going to those places where he is safe... feeling him kick my ribs again... wishing and hoping for all that I can. Our lives are so different. Our love is stronger. Quiet and soft we whisper without saying a word.. we love you Joseph Henry... we miss you baby. I often stare for long periods of time seeing my sons face in my husbands. We are PB and J after all.. we go together like that still. What would today have been like with him here.. 4 months old? I'm missing my J in my incomplete role as mom.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are the J in us always. Missing but Loved so completely. How proud I am of you.. Oh, Joseph Jean.. how much I love you. Mommy.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

My Janet

For those of you who know me, you know who I'm talking about.. For those of you who don't... I'm talking about my mother, the one who is my mother in my heart. She came to my life like a beacon from the sky. Tapped into my third eye as I knew she was coming. She has stayed in my heart always. She is the one who holds me up and pushes me toward who I am as a woman. She is a mentor, a councillor, a friend... A gentle soul who carves out paths to walk where there was once too much debris... Someone who can take away the pain or sit beside me and be in pain with me. I love her. We are opening doors in our journey together as mothers. She who did not give birth and me who did not get to keep. Both mothers in our own way still. Knowing our paths are right and followed. Understanding that our relationship is more than most can understand. Two souls brought together by fate forged together by love and children. Without her I would not be back on my journey to motherhood. Knowing her has made my life so much more rich and complete. She reminds me to be honest with my feelings... to allow truths to emerge even when they are painful. To keep it real but to really understand. To be united as women. To bond with anyone who is open to it. To not question, instead to answer from places deep within. If you are lucky enough to have someone like this in your life you are blessed. If you have not yet found this strength, close your eyes and you will see those that really matter in your life. Go to them and freely release the honest feelings you have to them. It will only make this path more beautiful. I wish everyone could have this bond... but I also don't mind being the only one who may ever truly know my gift. I cherish. My Janet.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Your G-mom is here too. She and I cradle you in our thoughts daily. We are learning from you too. Our brave boy. We love you until forever.. G-mom and the mommy too.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Give Sorrow Words


When the pain wells up in the center of your belly and there is nowhere left to turn, I use words to get the sorrow out. There has not yet been any anger. How Can I be angry when Joseph was so perfect. I have had a lot of questions of why. I have certainly had my fair share of disbelief but, mostly... it is just the sorrow that needs a vehicle to get OUT...

Blue

cold

empty

Bitting and clawing in the core of my stomach. Oozing from the tear ducts like sap on a tree. Real, Thick sorrow. I miss my son. He tried so hard to survive. Josephs APGAR score? Zero Twelve minutes without breath and then he did it. Seeing him in his isolate knowing that there was nothing left that could be done....

Intense

wicked

pain

My eyes tell the story like a window to my soul. You can see the ripping of my heart in the loss of my son. Purging the words of sorrow off my chest I RISE ... above and heal from within. I give this page the words so that I may move forward.
So that my sorrow can escape...so that it won't rot in the underbelly of I miss yous. I know, yes... I KNOW sorrow has its place. I give it words each day.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I am happy for your healing in heaven. No hurt.. No pain. Just LOVE. Your love Radiates out and down and enters this life beautiful.
I love you so much. Mommy.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

In one year

The magnitude of change can not be registered yet. The full realization of all the happenings not all the way sunk in. One thing I do know is that February is a good day for family. One year ago we found out we where pregnant with Joseph. I had driven to the Dr office on my way to work so he could draw some blood. We had done IVF and had completed our two week wait. The Dr. called me around 9 in the morning... Brandy, he said: "congratulations your going to be a mom". My smile beaming from ear to ear... my hand automatically touching my belly as if to feel him kick for the first time already. Proud... excited... elated. I called my husband right after......... I can still hear his smile. So yesterday almost 1 year to the time we where given the green light to try for another baby. My uterus has not given up yet. She has survived... Joseph.. the trauma.. the surgery and has healed. I need to thank her in the only way I know how.... I placed my hand on my belly as if to cradle her in my palm. Gentle is the whisper I hear back... New hope that we can have success feels good on the grief. It helps warm up some of the dark patches that seem to try to fossilize on my lungs. Deep hope... that we can add to our family has begun.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I knew you were a boy from today last year... You are amazing... I am so grateful for all the time we had... my son. Love mommy

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

cookie cutters

So I wonder if it is a sign that Michelle Duggar was in my dream last night? She had two cookie cutters for eyes... One was a circle and one was a triangle. Hummm makes you wonder. Well it makes me wonder if Joseph is talking to a new baby soul in heaven to see if we can be blessed with another wee one. The other part of my brain thinks it was Michelle telling me twins. Then, right at the brink of wakefulness... three black haired boys where climbing out of a crib all wearing blue footy pajamas. I have never wanted to go back to sleep so badly as I did today. I wish I could have just kept dreaming and dreaming about this. Our Dr. apt is in just a few hours. I am excited. I am hopeful and I am nervous. I am also so glad that my little guy is there holding my hand in dreamland. He is making it easier to be open, full of life. Accepting.

Joseph can you hear mommy? If feels good to mommy when you are playing. I love that you are strong. My beautiful son. Mom.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Focus

When the grieving cycle comes to the bottom.... I have to remember to focus. Keep my eyes to the top so that I don't get sucked under. Tomorrow I go back to the Dr. the fertility one. The one where our hopes are. If the energy is not positive I know what the answer will be. So I'm sending myself all the positive energy I have. I am holding my rock of hope. Yes I actually have one thanks to a wonderful friend of mine. If all goes well I will start my frozen cycle shots tomorrow night. They really are not that bad. I don't complain because all I need is this other chance to get pregnant again. It does not bother me.. really.. because I just can see the family waiting for me. Everything will be alright.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my sweet son. I'm singing to you today as loud as I can. Oh, Joseph Jean... how much I love you... Until forever my boy... until always my little one... mommy.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Slipping



As any good mother would I'm trying to kiss away the hurts in this picture... I know Josephs were too big or he would still be here. I couldn't fix it. My emotions are so hypersensitive right now that I just can't shake the weepy sensations. Stuck in a vicious cycle. One day I feel joy and peace and then it starts all over again... shattered...heart wrenching... devastation of missing my baby. I am going through the motions of life in ten feet of thick grief and each step I sink in deeper. I have to claw my way out just to take another step forward... fighting for my mind to have some freedom. I am raw. I am still so sad. I am grieving in the light... and that just takes time. I miss my son.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Oh baby boy... so many things I wish for you but most of all I wish for you to know just how much you are loved. Mommy.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

100




100 posts already. I must have a lot to say... that number for some reason makes me feel proud. I am actually doing something I have always wanted to do. I am writing. I am really telling my life story and letting all the guards down. There are no secrets here. There is no hiding. Me..my mind.. and my keyboard. My heart guides me like a carrot dangling on a string.. forward. My mind grounds me back to memories... hurts... loves... life. My soul searching is finding answers here. Exposure to the raw core of every nerve in my body helping it to heal. Power is what I feel when I am here... Comforted is what I've found. Knowing with other BLM's out there when reality strikes again. Patience in my journey because now I am free to develop each thought and let it resonate on the page before deciding if I like it. Hope filled creations in my words. Wanting for nothing and being with myself very honest. Letting go. Acceptance. Gratitude. JOY. All can be found with this purging of thought.... As my story unfolds.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Precious sweet one... I see you running in heaven. I'm with you. Holding you in the light and in the beat of my heart. Mommy.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Time




This is the spot where I stand and talk. This is the spot where I open the worlds between us and get to know Joseph. This is the tender loction I care for and mother. I nurse this spot as I would baby to breast. I am whole when I am here. Parenting the only thing on earth I have... the memorial loction. We put our pictures in with him. He knows us so compleatly. We should have the permanent marker finally in a few weeks and I can't wait to create a little ceremony. Not sure yet what I will say or do but... looking forward to it none the less. Rest that he will have honor. Hope that he will sneak in a little closer to me and love what we chose to put there.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you so big... I miss you so much... my precious little one... my own. mom.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Brave (me)

I don't feel very brave. Yet, every day I have to do things that are brave... well at least to me. As the calendar turns yet another page and we are further from Josephs birth and passing I feel less brave every day. Sure I am gaining confidence and strength but those words are different from Brave... When I turn on the nursery light I have to hold my breath because each day it gets harder to flick that switch and see the empty crib. It is time to take the crib down and put it away. We have to be fair for new baby life if we are so fortunate to be able to. This weekend we need to take it down...Brave... To face each day knowing that there is a possibility that I'm going to be asked all the familiar hurtful questions. Brave to answer them honestly knowing that you are going to make that person feel bad.... Brave to do it anyway. Regular stress is ten fold when you are grieving and you put on your brave face...square your shoulders and walk right out into the day. Brave to smile and mean it. Brave to question others in their decisions when I feel I am right. Seemingly silly things like calling for my infertility medicine.... I have to be brave to ask for what I want almost like I don't deserve it anymore... To try again to in IVF.. brave.. to stand at a cemetery in the night because the day got away from you and you are still missing your son. To let the tears fall down your face anywhere and at any time because you are still so hurt. Brave... every day and every breath. In letting go... Brave.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you and I miss you sweet baby boy. My Joe Jean, my son. Today I will put on my brave... and face the world. You are what brave is my son. I love you until forever.. mommy.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Little Things

It is the little things that I really wish I had Joseph here with me physically. I wish I could change his diaper. I wish I could clip his little nails. I wish I could change his clothes and give him a bath. I wish I could hold him. I wish I could feed him and put him to bed. I wish that when I turned on the light in the nursery just one time... it would not be empty.


At least I know that he is in heaven and there ARE things I can do. I can sing to him. I can talk to him. I can laugh with him. I can see him in my dreams. I can honor him in the way I am living my life. I can hope for him to have a brother or sister to look after. I can feel him everywhere.

It is just the little things... the physical things I wish for.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hello beautiful. Listen for my song.... Hear when I talk to you my love... Laugh with me and allow for spirit to take you to my dreams. I hope you like the way we are choosing to honor you... to help others in need. I feel you my son. I love you - Mom.