Sunday, January 31, 2010

Glimps of Normal


I got a glimpse of my new normal this weekend... I laughed.... I mean I really laughed... They kind where all your makeup runs off your face becuase you can't stop and you don't care if the mascara smears. Ah....I forgot how much I like her. That person who is not so sad... not so serious...not so hurt. I had a chance to really feel that everything was going to be okay. I know I will have a child of my own.. here with me. I know that family will always include my son in heaven. His brothers or sisters will know him as I do... spiritually. We will all be together again and I KNOW it now... as I am moving my feet one in front of the other... no steps behind not going back...looking forward eyes facing up.... I still have tears. I still miss my son... but I am keeping going. A glimpse of my new normal is much like my old only much more rich. My life has so much more meaning. My love is deaper.. greater... fuller... tighter and finally has laughter.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I hope you had as much fun seeing mommy laugh as I enjoyed doing it... I could feel you giggling along with me. Radiating from my soul.
I love you until forever... mommy.

Friday, January 29, 2010

RESOLVE

I belong to the Southwest division of the organisation called... RESOLVE. We help people on the journey they have to become a family in any way, shape or form. Today is my first day manning the "help" line. I wonder what kinds of questions I will get today... Who I will help and how. I am excited that I am opening the door to others in need. I think it will be neat to see who becomes RESOLVED with me as I too am on the same Journey. In March we have a walk of hope. I walked last year when I was just pregnant with Joseph. I was so proud during my walk... finally becoming RESOLVED. To be going again this year so different and so much more wise will be good. I bet I can recognise different hopes in others eyes this time. If all goes well with my IVF I will be pregnant again during the walk. Keeping hope alive. www.southwest.resolve.org.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Help me today while I allow others to gain knowledge and strength in the desire to become a family. I RESOLVED with you. My beautiful wonderful son. I love you until forever.. mommy.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

TLC


Yesderday was my husbands birthday. It prompted me to honor him in this blog today. These are his words. A fathers to his only child, a son who could not stay. Happy Birthday to my wonderful... my everything.
i held you in my arms
and kissed your little face
i rubbed your feet
and you held my hand
you were the perfect little boy
and I am proud to have a son
i never got to see you smile
i never got to hear you cry
you never got to see me
you never got to open one eye
so many dreams i had
that will never be
I will never understand the reason
you had to leave so soon
but i will cherish the time i had with you
i love you Joseph Henry
you will be in my heart forever

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The constant companion

If you press forward the pain will ease. If you push on the grief has a hard time keeping up. So you keep going and going and going. Forward... I take Joseph with me everywhere I am. He is in my shower.. he is in my car... he is in my conference call at work. He likes to come with me to walk the dogs. He makes dinner and goes to the gym with me. He is in each action and every thought. I have a constant companion. He helps me move forward... the helps me hold back. He shows me the longest patients I have ever held. Joseph knows joy.. sorrow... hope.. love...sick.. tired... happy... and most of all... me. Spirit worlds door is ajar.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Hello my beautiful. We have lots to do as always today. I'll see you when I blink. . I will feel you when I breathe. you are talented. I love you to heaven and back. Always...your mommy.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Tight Rope


I walk a very fine line. One that is so unbalanced that the lightest feather would knock me off of it. Tears flow effortlessly. I hold on to everything now. I am working through the grief and I try to use the joy that Joseph brought each day to put the next foot in front of the other... It is too easy to give up or in...when the thought of his departure so soon in life creeps in. Focus is required to looking ahead. My arms are reaching out as I hold my pole of life to walk the line. I will never fall off.. I will never give in... Joseph will not let me give up. The glimpses of joy remembered. Next step the joy to be found.
Joseph can you hear mommy? my precious son... I love you and can feel your joy in heaven. I love to see you smiling there. mommy

Monday, January 25, 2010

Treading Water

My head is just above the water.... and I am hanging on. I am so hopeful that my body heals again from surgery. I ask a lot of it. I have asked a lot of it over the past 2 years. I need it to recover again. To host life again. To be able to move forward again. Inch by inch... My arms are tired from holding everything up. My heart pumping in anticipation. Joseph's memory heavy in my mind. Grief weighs you down. I know that I could tread water forever if that is what I was told to do but, I could use some good news to hold me up while my arms take a rest and my mind quiets down.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Good morning baby. My sweet little one... I love you. Mommy.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Scared

I had a bad case of the what ifs yesterday. The worst kind... the what if I can't move forward kind. The what if I'm not capable kind. I don't like those. When they sneak in I just loose all sense of self joy. That is not who I am. I talk to those that love me looking for support and then feel so desperate. So insecure... Self assurance not available any more. That used to be my bull headed strong suit. When the self doubt creeps in I now turn to Joseph. I did do it... he was born... he did live for 37 hours. That makes me feel a little less scared. And the train rolls out of the station one more time. My beautiful son on my shoulder cheering me on. In the dark of sleep I dream a lot. Last night of 2 boys. I couldn't tell if they were twins or brothers. Either way they were my children. They were happy... holding hands and together. I captured an image in my mind before coming out of the dream. It was an eye... a baby's eye sound asleep. It was closed with the dark long lashes gleaming. Somehow smiling even in the sleep. This spirit connection gaining momentum at every stop.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are my forever love.... mom.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Deep in the heart


Deep in the heart..... of life, is good. I carry Joseph with me everywhere I go. He is deeply embedded into my heart. I feel him with every beat and know that we are together always. I miss my son. The steps taken so far in moving forward are inching him in deeper. I still have the daily.. I wish(s)... I have pity filled moments of the why me(s) but, in the underbelly of all of that I turn into my heart and know life is good. Joseph Henry is my first born son.... and nothing can change that. With the difficulties of moving forward I Face new challenges that are never expected. Having my son in my heart allows for those new challenges to fade so fast. I can not dwell... they just are. I am quiet with him here. My pace slowed for knowing and my mind restful in motherhood. Deep in the heart of life.. is good.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you. I miss you. My heart is open for your laughter. I'm kissing your baby cheeks and eyes and nose... and lips. Missing you beautiful baby of mine.. missing you. Love mommy.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Down but not out...

Dr. apt did not go as hoped... then again nothing really has gone as hoped... but I really thought that there could not possibly be more I would have to do this time as we tried to get pregnant. (besides isn't having to do IVF enough?) I was mistaken ....more to come. There is still good news. My uterus is surviving... it has some issues but it is hanging in there with me. I feel like me it is limping along. I have calcium deposits on it now and will have surgery tomorrow. The Dr said that it is very likely part of my placenta that has calcified. Did it have to happened right where it is... on the back of my uterus where they would need to put the transfer... no, but it is there .... and that is where I am. Down.. but not out. They didn't tell me I would not be pregnant again and that is now what I cling too. So pray for it to happen easily tomorrow that the calcium is not too deep to scar my poor little uterus. Please hope for a fast recovery and that I will be given a chance at becoming a mother again. All I need is a chance to keep my hope up and alive. I'm not looking so far ahead. I'm only looking at tomorrow now. Let me get this done and let it be the only thing that stands in my way.. this time. My fragile heart needs a boost.

Joseph can you hear mommy? we have to let go.. of the last part I have of you in me. All of you will reside in my heart forever but... this last little part I have to let go. I love you .. mommy.

Maybe

When I first tried to get pregnant with Joseph.... well it took a long time for him to arrive lets just put it that way. By the time I had gone to the infertility Dr. I thought for sure he would have arrived sooner than he did. There were many blips and bl ops along with way with his arrival... Each step I had with conceiving him a little longer than I thought. A little more painful than I hoped but, time has erased those issues. He came when he was supposed to come and I know that now. What a child and what a ride.. So special and so, well... amazing. It is raining here today and it is very soothing to hear raindrops outside my window as I write. I am so calm. I feel differently than I have before when facing an obstacle. Today I will find out if any damage was done during my pregnancy with Joseph. Damage being relative because I know what it did to my heart. I'm going to see if any internal damage was done to my uterus. I have a test...today. They will inflate me with water and check for scare tissue or lumps or possibly infection. We will see today if my body has weathered this Storm. So different. .. my maybe for another baby. There is no sudden rush. There is no giant wave of worry. This time it just is.... where the journey takes me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Oh, Joseph Jean... how much I love you...... mom.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Champion

Introducing.... one of my best friends, son... Liam Maxwell Carroll! Happy Birthday baby. I feel like I should be playing the song "we are the champion's". So emotional about this little boys arrival. I was silently cheering for him to arrive safely. I was asking Joseph to watch over my friend and her son... and now that he is here I can just let the release out. I was holding my breath. It was as if I need this to happen so that I could see again that Yes... in fact babies can be born. Women can give birth and that child can live. Simply a miracle. One that I really needed to witness. I feel so happy about this. Wow.. it can really happen. I will be Liam's champion for life. I will watch him grown with awe. I will help if needed and love him beyond measure. Relief that he and his mom are safe. I will spoil this child rotten for sure.

Joseph - can you hear mommy? I bet Liam would have been your best friend. Thank you for watching over him yesterday. You are so wonderful. I love you so much. I miss you so much... I wish for you to be here.. Love, mom.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Tiny Fingers


His fingers are so tiny, so marvelously perfect. They still will reach out to touch the smiling faces of everyone around him... These little hands will explore, discover, and bring the world to him in heaven for his inspection and delight. With these hands in heaven I imagine he will throw balls, capture bugs, and build castles in the sand. He will use them to open books and unlock the doors to knowledge. These are Josephs hands... they are sculpting my heart and making music. he is cuddling us from up above. his hands are so tiny now and yet within them lives the future and the fulfillment of all his precious dreams. They are different than I thought they would be, but from up above he can be whatever he chooses. So I hold him gently with my ring... I watch with pride when he reaches out to love and joy to all in our life.
Joseph can you hear mommy? You are so strong already. We are all listening. We call all feel your touches on things. I love you and miss you ... mommy.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Dawn

This is a picture I took from my driveway. Gives new meaning in the song... his purple mountains Majesty. Maybe it is the desert air that makes you slow.. Maybe it is the breathtaking beauty that asks you to pause. Take time for yourself.... be gentle with your heart. Each new day brings hope. How could it not when they start by filling your senses with such utter beauty. I am strong and I possess those gifts needed to go on. I am able to choose with my mind at ease to be happy.... to smile. Ah, this is the dawn and I believe. I believe in us. I believe in hope. I believe in love. How could I not.

Joseph can you hear mommy? In the wake just before the rise of the sun you are there. You are beautiful. All my love and every beat of my heart is for you... love mommy.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Peace


I am in a place of peace. It is soft and pretty. My heart beating full of love and understanding. My blessings are counted. Joy surrounds me and I can radiate life and light. I'm getting to know my son in heaven. He is teaching me and guiding me into acceptance. I am proud.
Joseph can you hear mommy? Great big kisses and hugs to you .... I love you bigger than there are angels in heaven... snuggle in my son... snuggle in. Love mom.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

How I...

Yesterday was pretty tough day. It was not as bad as the anniversary date in December but,I was emotionally drained and working on adrenaline alone. It amazes me how tired you get from crying... or really trying not to cry is what makes you tired so you just have to let the tears roll. I went to acupuncture after work and she let me stay an extra 30 min. I actually fell asleep. It was amazing. I feel like I'm making a breakthrough when I am there.. into the grief so deep. I am managing to chip away at some of the dark patches and the big spots are moving again toward light. I can smile when I am there and really feel warm and tender. The table she uses is a padded massage table. It is heated and she has it hooked up to sound waves. Every gong of the music reverberates back into your skin allowing those little tiny lovely needles magic to work a little deeper. I absolutely love what this does for me. So ,feeling open, vulnerable and in a dream like state of mind...... Joseph came to me. I cried. He was trying to tell me something and I felt the ring I bought for him tighten around my finger. The ring he helped me find at the festival. I knew it was special then, but I didn't realise how special until last night. You see the ring is not a circle or a complete loop. It wraps around my finger and doesn't close at the top. You can make it tighter or looser by opening the small gap in between the metal and the mother of pearl part. The ring felt tighter and that is when it hit me. THIS IS HOW JOSEPH HOLDS MY HAND! Just like he would if he were here with me..... the ring represents his tiny hand and how small it is and how he would reach for my first finger the same place the ring resides... and squeeze. So now I know when I want to hold my sons hand all I have to do is put the ring on. My thumb touches the inscription of his name. That is how I squeeze him back.. to let him know I understand.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I hope you like the little stuffed dog I left for you.. his name is Bo. Bo and Joe, a baby and his dog. I have your gift you gave me and I will treasure this always. Love, Mommy.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Already 3 Months


I sit here silently... thoughts of my son swirling around in my head. Joseph is 3 months old in heaven today. The fastest months of my life have winged by in a blink. Somehow pieces of my heart still beat in October. Time moves so quickly and yet it hasn't moved at all. I still feel him cradled in my arms nestling in toward my chest. Today I feel the enormous weight... of missing my son. How big have his cheeks gown? Did some of that black hair fall out? So I imagine instead.
Joseph can you hear mommy? Ah... my beautiful son, full of grace. I am happy you are in such a beautiful place. with God at your side and friends to race. Play baby play until I meet you again one day. Giggle and coo, let it be what may. I'm glad you can hear everything I've got to say. All my love goes to you... mommy. Big kisses and hugs on this beautiful day.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Thunderstorms

We had a booming thunderstorm last night. It was after I went to bed and the dogs were all up in a roar about it. They barked and ran in and out. I woke to the sound of the thunder rolling over the house. Long, deep rolls of thunder that lasted forever. Loud roars in my ears. I used to be afraid of thunderstorms. Not like terrified or anything I just used to curl up a little more in bed when they happened. I used to pull the sheets up high to cover up. Not anymore. Now I feel powerful when the storm hits. It jolts me awake and I listen. I am listening to the storm. It is like the thunder echoes in my heart. Ah, relief as finally the outside world can hear what my insides have sounded like to me since Joseph died. I feel the same way as the storm. Angry, tight, deep pressure, roaring. Then the rain comes. It washes that pent up feeling away and I am cleansed by it. Relief. I love a good thunderstorm.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you my son. The capacity to love you limitless. Until forever. mom.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Male Bonding

I'm pretty sure there is nothing more beautiful than this picture. Both my boys so close. The warm pressure of the lips of my husband kissing the tiny precious treasure that is our son.
Strengths beyond measure bonding two souls. Tenderness and warming combining hearts for eternity. I can actually see them intertwined here. The art of making a man into a father and the love that man has for his child immense... pure. Captured.. a male bond never to be broken.
Joseph can you hear mommy? Daddy's arms are holding you high above and every time we hug... we feel you. Love that has no boundary. Mommy.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Knowing

There is a look. One that I see in every woman's eyes... it is knowing. It is loving and gripping with the fact that there is infant death. I do hear the comment I don't even know how you are dealing with this... I couldn't even imagine. The fact is if it is a mother and I look at her.. she does know, maybe all to well. Maybe only in the pit of her stomach. The wrenching feeling that squeezes the air out of your lungs.. the heart pounding that beats in your ears.. the honest truth and pain of the tears that slip out of their eyes. You can feel it when you see your children and what would it be if they were not. A thousand ways women can empathise.....They may not have experienced loss but they can feel what it is to have it happen when I look at them. I see the sorrow they have for me because if it happened to them it would destroy them as it has parts of me. If it did already happen to them in one way or another I see it ten fold. Silence where you just can't breathe. Mind numbing where you can't think to utter any word. Love as the tears stream down the face. Hurt in the deep crevasses of our being. Hope that they can take your pain away even for one brief moment. I am shaken... I am weathered by the storm.... but I am not beaten.... because of us women... in one look of an eye, knowing.....

Monday, January 11, 2010

With an Angel

I am returning to work today. It will be a challenge I am sure. I am nervous but at the same time not. There is one thing I know now... Nothing will ever be harder than saying goodbye to Joseph. So everything else is just easy. I am going to work with an angel in my heart.. on my shoulder.. in my mind and with me always. Josephs gifts just keep on coming.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Oh, Joseph Jean... how much I love you.... I will sing your song today listen for me. I love you until forever.... mommy.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

With Joseph in my Heart

Moving forward is different from moving on... Paul and I are going back to our Fertility specialist. We are getting ready to try for another pregnancy... another baby, new life. The projected date for IVF transfer is going to be March 8, 9 or 10. I am not forgetting the past. I am not forgetting Joseph. I am moving forward carrying my son with me while I walk forward on step at a time. I am living. I am living a life with my son as a part of me. The better part of who I am today. I dreamed of him last night. I couldn't quite make out what the dream was. I tried to go back to sleep and get it.. I just couldn't. When I woke, I knew it was him coming to me in my dream... He didn't make it all the way in but it was Joseph. He was waking me up and pushing me forward. So I will go forward...with Joseph in my heart.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I'm loving you so much. You fill me with such pride and joy. You are amazing. I miss you my son but I am glad you are moving forward with me. All of my love and extra kisses... mommy.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Last day for Aqua

Today is my last day of teaching Aqua.... I have mixed emotions about leaving this class. On one hand I have 30 "old ladies" that have been like mothers and grandmothers to me. They have encouraged me over the years and guided me... cried with me and just lived with me. On the other hand I had to memorize new routines... get new music and spend the better part of each Saturday at the gym. Because I teach different classes I have become so overwhelmed with it all. So, with a deep sigh, I decided this was the class I needed to let go of. Gives new meaning to somethings gotta give. I feel like this chapter of my life is coming to a close. My focus clearly not with teaching... aerobics. I have a hard time remembering what day it is let alone choreography to so many songs. It was so good to go back during my time off work, but now that I'm returning to work full time... I need time to myself... time with my husband that doesn't have a schedule. I am different now... I used to be so structured... so diligent.. so focused on time and getting things done. Now, I'm looking forward to sleeping in on a Saturday or going out on a Friday night and staying up past my bed time. So my bittersweet goodbye to the lovely ladies of aqua will be today. I'm going to miss them but, as I turn my head forward and walk directly into the future I know it will be all of them....behind me....cheering me on.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Remember all those grandma's at the pool... I'm going to see them today for the last time... teaching anyway... I'll tell them about you again today so that they remember you always. I miss you so much my sweet little boy. A thousand kisses to you.. love mom.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Furry Babies


PJ and Emma.... My furry babies. These two dogs are the most incredible... loving.. soul touching precious animals. They know exactly how to nudge the sorrow out. Tiny licks to let you know they are with you. Confidently standing beside me to show how much they care. Sleeping next to me as I write on my blog each day... never leaving my side. PJ is tough but mooshy. Emma is a princess but the most knowing. If I am sad they get a little closer... If I am crying they lick away my tears. If I am happy they wag nubs and tails to let me know they are happy too. This is the longest I have ever been home in my life. I've had 3 months of these furry babies at my side each day. Each one in their own way healing me. Both often go into the nursery.... just to lay on the carpet. They both know Joseph, how he is a part of me... They try to take his toys and play little pranks on him and me. I love seeing them in there as it makes the nursery not so empty. I Thank goodness for these dogs. They fill up the house so it is not so still and quiet. They fill up my day with funny antics and long walks. They fill up my heart. This is my last work day home.. I'll be returning to my job on Monday. I'm going to miss my time at home. No schedules.. no meetings... just healing time for myself. I'm going to miss my dogs as I return as they give new meaning to woman's best friend. Pure devotion.
Joseph can you hear mommy? Emma and PJ love you so much. I know you can hear them too. Every time they bark. I miss you my son and I love you. Mom.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Hour

In the first hour of Josephs life... It took twelve of the precious 60 before he took his first breath. I never heard him cry when the lungs finally burst open. I was still knocked completely out on the operating table. On call that night was a neurologist. It was lucky to have had him in the room (so I was told). Joseph was given a chance to fight. He had saved Josephs life. In the next 18 min they incubated him. Drew blood.. tested vitals and brought him to the NI CU. Stable for the first and only time in his short life. Somewhere around 30 min mark.... Paul got to see our son. The Dr said. It is a boy.... then asked ..."did you name him"? Yes... we did. He is Joseph Henry Jean. the Dr then told Paul.... He is very sick. He will need to be transported to Phoenix Children's hospital. The air vac team arrived. They are two of them dressed in orange suits. 45 precious minutes have passed. Paul is behind them... They rush the incubator down to me. They brought me my son as I lie trying to come out of the haze of being put under... I can't move. I have a son. He is pushed up next to my bed. I can barley reach him with my right hand. I can touch his tiny hand.... he held my finger. A flight nurse said... We have to go. The 60Th minute, he is flying in a helicopter alone. Paul frantically driving to get to our son. I collapsed back into a numb feeling. Nobody told me how sick he was then.. I was so happy.. He was here. I had a son. In the first hour of Josephs life.....

Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you sweet one. I long for you. I am reaching out to heaven with all my might to send you a hug. I love you until forever... mom.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Open it...

It is locked. It might be... open it anyway. I'm not crazy... I just feel as if Every door I try to open is locked ... or welded shut. I'm not sure why my journey is so tough. I have never been given the things I want easily... always had to work for it. I'm not sure why I continue to be optimistic. I just am. I do get tired of every door being so difficult... but then I think about it some more... and realise that it is not just this door... it is just my life. I choose to either be in it and deal with all that I have in a positive way or I don't. If I am negative the doors will still be locked. I just wont' have the streangth to unlock them or.... get out my welding gun to pry it open. So... I guess I just have to open each door... no matter how hard. Smile at the other side and show that I have yet again have won another battle. My my wounds shine like trophies of pride. My badges like a warrior are of honor. Why so optimistic? Because the one thing I have never been beaten down for is LOVE. For all of the things in life to be so hard... LOVE has not been. Real... reckless... unbridled... passionate... powerful and pure. I am opening the door to try for another baby... right now it is locked. I will get it open.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Toss me down some keys... I could use a little help... I love you sweet baby of mine... I love you. mom.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Favorite

This is my favorite picture. When I look at this picture I see the perfect blend of our love. He has my cheeks and my lips. My husbands chin and his brow. The eyelashes are long so those are from my husband too. His nose.... his own. So cute so perfect. When I see this I can see so much more than the physical. This is the picture I had of my son before they flew him to Phoenix Children's Hospital. My mental picture. The one that kept me going. At this moment I did not know how much trouble Joseph was in. That he would die so soon after this was taken. To me this is the picture that was taken to welcome him... not the ones we took because we had to say goodbye....So I keep this picture, the tangible one and the mental one in my mind as my hope baby. When I feel that I need to be close to him... this is the picture. When I miss him... this is the picture. This is my son. This is our hope. This is my heart beating outside of my body... This is love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you. When I see you in heaven... this is the picture I have of you...only your eyes are open. I bet they are blue. I miss you my son. Love mommy.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Oh Joe


Oh Joe, my little touch and go. You came to us so briefly. Our lives changed forever. I remember every second of you while we were in the hospital. Every blink of my eye a captured memory to keep. One very touching moment was when your nurse came in after you had passed to take little impressions of your feet. I was still holding you as we pushed those big toes into the play doe. Yes, you even got to play with play doe. I had you in my lap with your head resting against my chest. My heart beating hard and loudly as if I could somehow make mine beat for yours. The play doe works better than regular plaster, the nurse said. We cast your feet to make the mold. Then your feet impressions got a nice plaster treatment. They turned out so good. They even brushed them blue for boy. I can feel you when I touch them now. Every striation is there. Every toe to touch and to glide my fingers across. Sometimes I feel them so much that I wonder if I will rub away the plaster. I try to keep them perfect so that they will stay the way they are always. Today would have been the first day your dad cared for you all by himself. I should have been returning to work. He was planning on staying home with you for as many weeks as he could. You might have been taking your first airline trip to meet your great grandparents. Just some of the plans already laid before your born. Things are so different now. I am not at work this week but, your dad is. No trip planned. The harsh reality that we only have those plaster molds to touch a part of you. I am grateful to have them. An actual part of you.. that has a memory of me holding you together and always.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you babe... I love you, mommy.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Heavens Heart

It seems that there are too many baby angels... Why does this happen? How was I so naive that this could even happen? I read other blogs of mothers who have children that have died and it just gets me so emotional. The pain... I can read in the words that they wright and it is exactly like my own. It is just profound. There is a community of us, survivors of infant death. We are in our own club. One that you never wanted to belong to. One that shouldn't have so many members. To survive after your child has died takes the shield off of the world. Your Rosy colored glasses removed you can really see and maybe for the first time in your life sorrow. To survive... I choose to do good things to honor my son. To make sure that the memory of him branches off and touches the lives of so many. Joseph Henry had to go to heaven... so that it's heart grew by one. One too big for this life here.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I Love you so much. The lessons you are teaching are reaching me. I miss you but.... knowing how much good you are doing I am at rest. Peace in my heart. It beats for you. Love, Mom.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Exhale

I am learning to breathe again. Each time the sorrow from Josephs death creeps in I try to just breathe. I have the tools to resolve the waves of sadness that sneak in. We put just a few more things away yesterday... his box was one. It no longer resides in the glider chair propped up in the nursery. It is in the closet. We still have his stuffed dog for protection on top of it. We put the Christmas stuff away too. Even the things placed at the big boy spot decorated for the holiday. I was surprised at how I was OK with all of this. It is time to move forward yet another step. Not too far but another foot forward and a big exhale. It was a very cleansing day. With each deep breath I take my mind heals a little bit more... then my heart follows. I'm not going to pretend that everything will be easy to do but the biggest step taken so far by us... and I am OK. I am calm and relieved. Josephs big gifts he gave are starting to surface. He is bigger than a box of things left behind.. bigger than 37 hours of life. Bigger than Paul and I can contain. With every big breath I will be watching this new year unfold with my son on my mind and in my heart and happy.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are powerful and beautiful and wise for such a tiny one. I love you so much and I miss you. I am sending you huge hugs and a thousand kisses. Mommy.

Friday, January 1, 2010

2010

This morning as I stepped outside in the pre-dawn hours I felt rest. The beast of grief inside me quiet and the blue moon shining over my head. I felt so good as I stood on the street so still and silent. I sent a smile to the moon. Joseph heard me as the moon blinked briefly showing me two moons both blue one slightly below and to the left of the real one. I got a wink from heaven. Not a cloud in sight. I am warm. I drank in a deep gulp of air filling my lungs with hopes for the new year... I hope that my spiritual journey with baby Joe grows infinitely. I hope that we can feel and exchange love at any time. That my son can learn to communicate more and more as he grwos streangth in heaven to reach everyone that he has already touched so deeply. That our message from him regarding love passes onto countless others. That my husband finds peace in his heart and that his worry is less and his joy is more. I hope our future grows an even stronger bond as we evolve into us... wiser... more tender and completely loved. I hope this year my body can heal physically that it may again host life inside my womb. That another baby thrive and arrive safely into our family. That we have hope each day to keep going in total and unbridled passion for our lives... for the lives of countless others who are in need. That love can bridge hearts together forming an explosion of joy for what we can do for one another. In 2010 let me use my gifts and the gifts given by Joseph Henry and my husband to open hearts.

Joseph, can you hear mommy? Welcome my son to a new year... I love you until forever... mommy.