Thursday, December 30, 2010

Car Tears

Some days you just have tears... today mine were in the car when I saw snow in AZ fall onto the high desert mountains. When I thought of how long ago I held my son in my arms and gently said goodbye. When I drove remembering each trip with him in that same car as I sang to him each day. For the what should be but is not. And then I smiled at my belly as I was given a nudge... as if to say We hear you momma... both of us. Reflecting turned to the complicated pregnancy I'm having and still fighting each day to relax and believe that this is right and just as is should be. Tears came again just in a brief period of quite time. Two slow steams at how wonderful my life is... all of it. the good, the bad, the hard, the fun, the up and down.. the wondering and waiting for more of it to unfold. Missing my little man today... As the Car tears roll on.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you did today as you blanketed the soft earth with your kisses.. So beautiful you are and so very missed and loved. mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay.. we need 12 weeks to grow and grow.. I will see you tomorrow and ask that you pass the tests... I'll help you love mom.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Adventure in OB triage

Everything is fine... started having sharp pain in my low abdomen earlier this week. I thought it was dehydration or something.... Then it progressed into I can't lay on my side... where I'm supposed to be laying. Pain while standing after long periods of sitting.. Pain while laying after long periods of standing... Off to the Triage. It was nice to know we could actually just go there rather than have to wait for the Dr to open tomorrow. Comforting that I knew little Jon was ok it was momma I was worried about. Turned out that I have my placenta may be growing into the scar tissue of my previous c-section. Not usually associated with pain but.. that is what hurts. And while monitoring me I was having some pretty good contractions. Outcome... Motrin 600mg every 6 hours to calm the uterus down and take the pains away. I thought you couldn't take Motrin while pregnant but they said it is ok but sometimes diminishes the fluid (and Little Jon needs a lot of fluid with is kidney issues) UGG. Agreed to take 400mg of Motrin but will only take as needed. I have to go back to the hospital on Friday for a Non stress test and fluid check again. Never a dull moment... Happy that all in all everything is fine and I got to meet an on call Dr at the hospital I'll be delivering at who deals with High risk patients... He could not believe that I had not been in to see anyone yet and meet all high Risk docs at the hospital so I'll be making an apt for that very shortly! Also good news was my regular Dr. was on call and got to understand a little more of what was going on with me. Whew.

Joseph are you listening? Keep a close eye out and let me know if anything isn't right again... I'll be sure to take your hints no matter what. I love you bigger than Heaven.

Little Jon are you listening? It was so sweet to see your face today and comforting to feel all those movements... now you are head down I know what all those thumps are. Be gentle with your mommy... I love you little one with all my heart. mommy

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Viability feels good

Just saying.... 24 weeks does not mean anything to those who have not been or don't know and live a carefree pregnancy... To me today is the first day of really being pregnant. Viability... Viability... Can't stop us now.

Joesph can you hear mommy? I saw you peek in the window of the clouds just like you look in the window to look after your brother... you are so sweet and amazing.

Little Jon are you listening? I love you little one... wiggle more and more each day and grow super big and strong - Can't wait to see you in a few weeks. Love mommy

Friday, December 17, 2010

Momma Clause

In 5 days I will be 24 weeks. A week after that I'll have my next ultrasound to check on little Jon's kidney issues and have my glucose test. This is the first time I've thought ahead without the crippling fear that usually stops me and makes me think of just today. He has regularly started moving now and has wiggled right into my life. I am measuring fine (although by the looks of this picture I think he is huge) I've added a few pounds of goodness around my backside too. I feel warm and motherly, proud and happy. I am almost ready to start working on the nursery again. This is the first Christmas I've ever spent pregnant and I guess I feel a bit like momma clause. Viability is a blink away that is my Christmas wish.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I woke to sounds of your tiny kisses outside as it rained in the early dawn... I wept with love and thanks for you and your gifts.. love mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Yes we can have cookies for breakfast... and hot chocolate... I love you so much little guy.. grow grow grow so big... love mommy

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Holiday at the big boy place

Paul and I decorated Josephs "big boy place" last weekend. We put his favorite match box car... a Christmas jingle bell and a glass Santa doll. We also adorned the flower holder with Red garland and lots of flowers of pine and holly. Every time I go.. I still cry as I touch his tiny footprint... bronzed in time and perfect. I touch his toes and kiss his little foot and I feel him. Joseph is deep in my heart and I feel him beating there with me, more when it is quiet and I am spending time with just him... as it was the day of decoration. There are days, like today, when I reflect on this past year and the nine months I carried him with me inside. Somehow he feels nearer to me...watching me. As my parenting of a son in heaven unfolds I have found a place I can't describe.. I am proud somehow and humbled always that this little guy chose me to be his mom. The honor I feel in knowing that the care I have taken with his memory and spirit has touched a core. I see a gentler world.. almost another side of the one I knew... It is a beautiful place. I am at peace.

Joseph can you hear mommy? If felt you rock with me while holding your brother inside.. It was surreal and wonderful. you take good care of him.. love mommy

Little Jon are you listening? Grow baby grow and stay with us forever. Let me feel you wiggle each day... I love you mom.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Right between us

Our stockings are hung by the chimney with care... Last year we bought Joseph his own stocking and took it with us out of town. Too soon to stay here with all the holiday happenings. It was a nice way to celebrate even if it was without him. We put tiny treasures in the stocking to remind us of what we were thinking this time last year including the cards to him. So this year when we put up our stocking it was already filled with memories of Joseph Henry. I really like to look inside and pull out each decoration, something for his big boy place, and ornament. It felt like they were his things and his little life although not here was being celebrated and remembered. The tradition will happen every year and we will add to the collection of little treasures and cars. I love my son and miss him so much. The sting comes back just a little with all the flood of holiday cheer. I wish he was getting messy in the kitchen with me while baking.. I wish he could play with the things we bought just for him. For now.. I will be happy in knowing that he has his own stocking... hung by the chimney with care.. and nestled in between mom and dad forever.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you little guy. I miss you more.. I just miss you more. Love, mommy.

Little Jon are you listening? Keep growing baby. You are doing so good - keep in there as we will gladly wait for your arrival. Not too soon please. Love mom.

Thursday, December 2, 2010


I have nothing to report. This is the first time in 21 weeks that I happily have not one thing to say.. except I AM GRATEFUL... and Yeah hoo for boring. Turns out that keeping my mind busy is exactly what I needed to pull myself out of the tailspin I was in for the past few months. Not to mention that I can feel this little guy move just a little more each day. I know that things are getting better and the rest and work I have done to keep going and positive has helped. Just goes to show you that positive thinking really works.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you little guy. I miss you more it seems these days. I still see you when I blink. Love forever, mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Kick and Kick and grow and stretch. I love to feel you now and we are getting better and better together each day. As my bond with you so close so sweet now. Love mommy