Friday, November 26, 2010

Belly Shot

OK I know for some of you this will be hard because.. You are still trying for that rainbow. I know I've been there. I am, just so you know, hoping for you each and every day.. I feel the power of positive thinking so I know I can use mine to help you too. Here I am on Turkey day. 20 weeks exactly. Just over 1/2 way because we will deliver him 4 weeks early. I was not much bigger than this when I delivered Joseph. They say the second one just pops out... They are right. Yikes. I've gained the right amount of weight so not too much although craving McDonald's has not helped this giant stomach. Not being able to work out has been the biggest challenge for me. Exercise is my release.. my way to get grief out and to move my body and kick in those endorphins. I have not been able to move one step this whole time. I am NOT complaining because it is something I can not change but... I had to change everything I did/do in order to set my mind right. Still hoping for this rainbow. Feeling good these days. Glad for the relief.

Joseph can you hear mommy? We hung your stocking already and it looks beautiful cuddled between mine and your dads. I love you precious son.

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay and keep growing away.. get bigger so those kidney's heal. We love you so much.. mommy

Wednesday, November 24, 2010


I am so thankful for everything in my life... Even the stuff I wish I still had. Joseph was a gift and I know he is in heaven and not with me but he is still my son... I am thankful he chose me to be his mom. I have another son on the way who is growing bigger everyday. I have a good job.. a nice home... a chance to give back to those in need. Friends that touch my heart everyday and family that may not know what to say or do for me... but love me just the same.

Then there is this man... the one who listens... cares.. understands... stands silently beside me.. reasons... loves... hopes... dreams big with me. In one year we have become so close... so open to each others feelings.. We have always been in love but there is another level of it now. We could walk through fire and not be burned.. I am blessed.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are a beautiful gift. I love you in a place of my heart only for you. Mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Peaceful baby rainbow... You are coming into a family filled with hope and joy and love for you... mommy

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Healer inside me

There is a way to channel your "inner" chi. your peace. your happy place of being. Centering yourself.. grounding yourself... learning to listen to your inside and really paying attention to the needs and wants of your body. I met a beautiful healer. She helps in all sorts of ways but mostly... mostly... she helps you heal yourself. It is here that I met my guardian of sickness.. St. Michael.

St. Michael, the Archangel means I have double protection. - The name Michael signifies "Who is like to God?" and was the war cry of the good angels in the battle fought in heaven against Satan and his followers. Holy Scripture describes St. Michael as "one of the chief princes," and leader of the forces of heaven in their triumph over the powers of hell. He has been especially honored and invoked as patron and protector by the Church from the time of the Apostles. Although he is always called "the Archangel," the Greek Fathers and many others place him over all the angels - as Prince of the Seraphim. St. Michael is the patron of grocers, mariners, paratroopers, police and sickness.

He is watching over me and Little Jon... Teaching him There is a new generation of psychic and sensitive children who are just beginning to come to earth. They are called, The Rainbow Children.

I allow my heart and soul to pour... exposing the deepest within me.. I am raw and open to the universe and to God and I see.. I see the power and the help and the spirit of love.. joy.. hope.. prayer.. perfect in every way. I feel healed and I feel whole. I feel valued and accepted and gifted this child.. a rainbow.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you can becuase I feel you and your sweet breath against my cheek as I sleep. I love you little baby... I love you. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Hear the calls and follow the protector.... our lives are one and now you see too the power of our love for you. Mommy.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Half way

I'm halfway there baking a rainbow. Seems like the longest weeks of my life given all we've gotten... Then I take a step back and say in the same breath that this year went by so fast that I hardly know what happened. That is my parallel reality. Time speeds past with Joseph in heaven and creeps so so with Jonathan inside. We went to our follow up visit. We got some good news.. My bleeding has stopped (after 8 full weeks) and it appears that the sub chorionic is now about 1cm. So small that now I think it will completely dissolve... My placenta Previa is now considered Low lying... much better. Jonathan is WAY up high in my belly (avoiding my placenta happily). Little Jon kidney did not get worse... so THAT is a relief. I am pushing all my powers of energy to him (another post I'll tell you how) He is growing on track and in fact is 3 days ahead. He moves a lot and has a beautiful heart and brain along with 10 fingers and 10 toes. So I am choosing to only see the good... I'm not going to allow attention to Kidney issues bringing me down... Don't let those dark thoughts creep or they will consume. I finally posted on Facebook that I was pregnant. We decided to post on Joesph's page telling him he was going to be a big brother... I love that.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are such a good big brother.. looking in the window checking on him... showing him the way and holding his hand. You amaze me.

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay.. grow grow grow away and we can do this together me and you.. mommy

Thursday, November 11, 2010

What We Do

What we do is pick ourselves up. What we do is help each other cope. What we do is against all odds to continue... to smile.. to love.. to open our hearts.. to live and to be alive in our life and time. The power to think positive wins. In each dark day there is light. In every hour of need there is prayer. I don't know where this resilience comes from. How deep in my heart I still believe. No wind can blow me over... I just won't budge. I got good results from my new Downs test yesterday. Little Jonathan Cooper only has a 1/3668 chance. Those are better odds than I was first given so I feel wonderful. Yes he still has issues and yes we will watch him closely.. One day at a time. One moment to live... One hope to bring. Shine all my light on him today. At least we know when the sun sets... it will rise again tomorrow.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Beautiful my son... I love you

Little Jon at you listening? As I wait for your sun to rise. You bring me joy each day. Gain strength in our prayers. I love you... mommy

Monday, November 8, 2010


So in order to squelch the total panic and worry in my mind we have a home Doppler. It is the exact model that my OB uses and let me tell you THIS is a gem. Given all the issues and craziness that are layered into my pregnancy I felt this was the best thing I could do for piece of mind. Most people just worry about their baby when pregnant. A lot of you know what I mean when I say worry is an understatement lost... is more like it.... I had to worry about my son in heaven... then going through and paying for (all out of pocket) one round of FET and then a full on cycle of IVF in order to get pregnant again...I am lucky so not complaining about that just more worry that is all.........Then I get To worry more because of complications that arise just from those things.. Now add unrelated issues of sub chorionic bleeding.. placenta previa.. and little Jon's kidney issues it is no wonder I don't just sit on the steps of the hospital begging the maternity triage to take me early! I have to wait until I am 22 weeks (18 now) until the hospital will see me directly. In the mean time I have my High Risk Facility and Ob office on speed dial. Gladly for the sake of all others this Doppler has stopped some of the madness. Whenever I'm feeling worry/ wonder and panic due to (see any above reason) I just sit back and listen to the swift sound of the swhoop whoop of little Jon's heart and all is right with the world. I wait for my newest downs test blood work to come in this week and then pray so hard that little Jon's kidneys are improving for our next ultrasound scheduled on the 18th... Did I tell you all to top this all off I was promoted at work? I know.... boy let me tell you I KNOW...

Joseph can you hear mommy? We visited you yesterday your dad and I and all the things at your big boy place are so pretty. I love you my son and miss you daily - mom

Little Jon are you listening? Grow those kidney's... pee for me.... and unblock that silly problem - you can do it little one.. I believe in you and us... Love is not a big enough word - mommy

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Kidney Issues

Another complication.. has happened... Common in boys... but not helping my worry and level of anxiety at all... Little Jon has Hydronephrosis. Basically his kidney are swollen and have too much fluid in them. Lots of terrible terms were tossed around today during the ultrasound and it was just plain not fun. So of course with this news they also increase the chances for downs and other issues. My head is spinning. I feel like I just can't get away from my own self. Terrifying thoughts in my mind that just won't shut up...

I fight these thoughts and when I calm enough from the freak out here is what I know.

1 - very common in boys and sometimes resolves itself before birth
2 - some forms can be treated with surgery while the baby is still inside me! (Dr did not think this was my case but was not ruling it out either)
3 - Some babies have this at birth and it can be fixed with a stint (to unblock)
or some other very small procedures...
4 - some babies have major surgery after birth reconstructing the Kidney and bladder.

We were told today that his issue is a "little more prominent" than most cases and it is likely that something will need to be done right after birth. We are going to be refereed to a Peri urologist after our next ultrasound...

Oh SHIT. That is all I can think of right now. OH SHIT and WHAT IF. And now I wait for 2 more weeks before we can re-assess this issue.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Please watch out for your little brother.. help him.. if you can. you are powerful and I love you so much that I know that this is something you can do. My heart to you mommy

Little Jon are you listening? Pee... that is what I need you to do - release those kidney and grow bigger so that the blockage can have room to move out. You can do it little one.. I believe in you. I love you so.. Stay baby Stay... Mom

Monday, November 1, 2010

Bed Rest Buddy

Give him an inch... he takes a mile. Love this dog. He has been my source of comfort and help. I'm not on real bed rest... just modified to lay down most of the time I'm home. PJ the smallest 90 pound dog you will ever meet thinks mom staying home is the best thing... I agree.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love you baby... you fill my heart with pride and joy.. Miss you my son if only we had more time. mom

Little Jon are you listening? Grow baby grow mommy wants you to stay. Come to me forever and I will love you for always. Love you baby boy.. mom