Thursday, October 14, 2010

Nerves

I read my blog from start to finish....something I have not done.. ever. I usually don't go back but I wanted to see how far I've come. Unbelievable... is the only word I can use to describe the year. It went fast.. too fast. Here I sit waiting for tomorrow to come with anticipation and excitement. This is the same anticipation and excitement I had this same day 1 year ago as I thought just maybe today would have been my day... I don't think I would be here if it was...I have a video of pictures to share of him with the world (once I figure out how to use you tube) The cake is ordered and lots of balloons are being filled. The house is getting cleaned.. the first time in my life I am blessed to have someone else do it for us. I feel ready and terrified. Terrified because I've got this other little guy in my belly... worried that he will not make it and that tomorrow may be his birthday too. I am still having massive bleeding due to the SCH and Previa. It rocks me to the core each time I see such amounts and it takes all that I have left just to stand... I read the book Pregnancy after loss. How come there is nothing like my experience in there? Oh yeah.. that is because there can be nothing like this... A new book must be written.. For others to know more what this feels like. It takes nerves of steel to celebrate his 37 hours of life.. and to hope for a better outcome this time.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Are you getting ready up there? I see you in your baseball hat and mitt ready for play and action as always. So many will be with you tomorrow and Saturday... so many lives you have touched. Love.. Mom

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. I think I felt you for the first time. I have so many dreams for you already and want to share them with you. All of my love.. mommy

2 comments:

Melissa said...

Reading your blog from start to finish is a great way to see how far we have come, what a good idea. I remember in those early days thinking that I would do that in the future and have not really thought about it since.

Thinking of you and your sweet little babies the next few days.

Jill said...

Been thinking about you!! One of these days I want to print my blog and read it from start to finish.