Saturday, October 30, 2010

Work Work Work

Well there is something to be said for keeping the mind occupied. I have just been given a promotion at work and am excited to start my new role. It is still hard for me be believe that they would give me such a role.... only because in my mind I'm still so young. HA HA I then remind myself that I'm not THAT young and oh yeah I've been working my butt off to do this for a really long time. So much has happened the past few years that I almost forget how fortunate I am to have work and so much of it. It has been a place of refuge for my mind. This is a huge chance and even more so given the circumstances I'm in right now. The days seem to go a little faster. The time not so still. My mind able to focus on others and tasks to be done. I am going to be so busy that my mind will be relieved of its duty of worry for this pregnancy. Oh, it will still be there on nights and weekends but to escape your mind for a while and concentrate on something totally not related feels like a breath of fresh air.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Good morning beautiful... keep after your brother for a while longer and remember how much you are loved and missed and thought of here. mom.

Little Jon are you listening? Sweet music to my ears as your heart beat dances on the Doppler. Stay baby Stay.. I love you to the moon and back. mommy

Monday, October 25, 2010


I was reading my own blog (from start to finish) and came upon last years Halloween entry. I was just a few short weeks out from Joseph passing and a mess as to be expected. This year I don't think my heart will hurt so much. I am excited to put out some decorations and see all the kids again. Maybe it is the hope growing inside that has lightened my heart...My husband and I live in a great neighborhood full of families and lots of trick or treaties as I call them... I love looking at each child and asking them questions as to what they are or do they want a trick or a treat. There is something so sweet in the sound of a child's voice being assertive that I love. Maybe it is the first time they get to speak for themselves... I encourage them all to participate...Often our dogs hang out at the door (ever hopeful some candy will fall out of the bag onto the floor) but also to greet the little kids as they come. Our dogs usually make the kids feel safe coming to the door and they like to pet them and pat their heads. I usually try to dress them up and have so much fun. I can already see this year coming and feel some of the joy that it once brought coming back. I am glad I've not become jaded and sad for it.. because THIS is the stuff I get to look forward to.. hope with and desire. One day it will be me out there watching my little guy walking alone to a door for the first time.. one day... one day

Joseph can you hear mommy? Time to play a few tricks (but not with my keys please) I see you as a lion or a monkey this year.. walking up to that first door so cute.. Your door in heaven traveled alone to soon but none the less heartwarming in my mind... mom

Little Jon are you listening? Stay baby Stay and put those worries away.. we are going to make it together.. you and me babe... mommy

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Two steps forward..

I am including a picture of our little guy in here so for those of you who may not want to peak. I understand. I just wanted to start the focus now on this new little life inside me. I feel like I've had a lot of closure this week with Joseph... His birthday awesome.. my friends and family incredibly supportive. I am rested... more sure of myself and feel like I've taken two steps forward. My mind releasing baby Joe as we let go of the balloons and my heart making room for our new baby boy... We may have decided on a name.. Jonathan Cooper Jean. My husband has stated that this may change... so we are trying it out and I love it! So as you can tell I feel like I've taken two steps forward.

Introducing "little Jon"

Now.. for the one step back part. As you know I have had complications during this pregnancy and I just can't stop shaking the feeling that something will happen to him. Medically he is fine and I know and understand all of that. Emotionally I am drained and feeling hard on myself for some reason. I feel as If I'm letting him down or my body is anyway. None of this is true but the facts are facts. Hopefully I can swing this part of back into forward... I want so much to feel free and fun during this pregnancy.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Love love Love.... Love love love and now I need you to help and protect your little bro Jon. He needs all the support he can get. Show him the way. mom

Little Jon are you listening? There are not yet words for how in love I already am of you. Please hang in there buddy. All of my focus to you. love mommy

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


This is Joseph's best buddy here on earth. This is little Liam born just 3 short months after Joseph passed. His momma and I have been friends for over 28 years.. Yes 28 years. We would always be together... so we know how close they are. Here is the little guy letting his buddy in heaven know happy birthday. It touches my heart and is so sweet.. I can't describe the feelings that have unfolded after the sight of all the love and support we received last week. All I can do is smile right now.. and appreciate the cute things.. the great things.. the small things.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you got all the gifts we sent.. I know you saw and felt all the love we have for you. Sweet baby.. you amaze me. mom.

Put are you listening? It felt warm and happy to have you inside shining love for everyone... I know you know your brother now and we can't wait to share his joy with you in time. Stay baby stay.. love mommy

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Blown Away

Over 40 people came to Joseph's Balloon Release here in Phoenix... and More than 8 states participated. I am blown away. I woke this morning feeling very moved. very Loved.. Very much in Awe and honor. He touched us all and so deeply continues to be every body's baby. Letting go of the balloons made me happy.. Letting go just a small piece of him in me gave me peace. He is beautiful... and will never be forgotten.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Happy Birthday in Heaven Joseph Henry

1:30am 10/15/09 - 2:30pm 10/16/09 Forever our son... Forever in our hearts. Always there is love. Happy first Birthday my boy.. Mommy

** grab some tissue... turn up the volume... enjoy his life in pictures.


I read my blog from start to finish....something I have not done.. ever. I usually don't go back but I wanted to see how far I've come. Unbelievable... is the only word I can use to describe the year. It went fast.. too fast. Here I sit waiting for tomorrow to come with anticipation and excitement. This is the same anticipation and excitement I had this same day 1 year ago as I thought just maybe today would have been my day... I don't think I would be here if it was...I have a video of pictures to share of him with the world (once I figure out how to use you tube) The cake is ordered and lots of balloons are being filled. The house is getting cleaned.. the first time in my life I am blessed to have someone else do it for us. I feel ready and terrified. Terrified because I've got this other little guy in my belly... worried that he will not make it and that tomorrow may be his birthday too. I am still having massive bleeding due to the SCH and Previa. It rocks me to the core each time I see such amounts and it takes all that I have left just to stand... I read the book Pregnancy after loss. How come there is nothing like my experience in there? Oh yeah.. that is because there can be nothing like this... A new book must be written.. For others to know more what this feels like. It takes nerves of steel to celebrate his 37 hours of life.. and to hope for a better outcome this time.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Are you getting ready up there? I see you in your baseball hat and mitt ready for play and action as always. So many will be with you tomorrow and Saturday... so many lives you have touched. Love.. Mom

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. I think I felt you for the first time. I have so many dreams for you already and want to share them with you. All of my love.. mommy

Monday, October 11, 2010

In one year

Today is 4 days until Joseph's birthday and 5 days until his passing. I find myself in a good place regarding his coming and going... I've worked very hard this year in therapy.. in prayer and in finding the light. I have found peace with so many things that I don't know if I would have ever resolved had this not have happened. I have grown more wise to learn not to speak until I've really thought about what to say.. I have learned to love more deeply than love has ever known before. I have refused to be a statistic or a sad case. I have held my head high.. spoke of my son.. created his legacy that will in turn help those who follow me in this journey of life and loss. In one year I have cried more freely... laughed more deeply.. quieted my spirit and found faith....This year I mothered a son in heaven.. and all that comes along with that. I created a world where I could reach him and in return he came to me with peace.. and sometimes dreams... In one year my life changed just as it would if he were with me... completely. Just like everyone said being a mother would change me it did. I am grateful... In one year I am... me.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I know you can. I still see you when I blink. I feel you in my heart. I reach you in my dreams and love all of you. mommy

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay... keep growing and thriving and join our family in time. You are already a big part of us. I love you little boy... mom.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Put and the SCH

First and foremost... our little baby PUT is doing great and growing exactly on track at 13 weeks... Baby was doing flips and flops at the NT scan and kept showing off ..ahem... certain parts...Needless to say they are 90% certain that our Put is a "HE". I feel so blessed that I am having another boy. It warms my heart to think I've got another little guy in there. I know I know it is still so soon and anything is possible but.. he was REALLY showing off and I think they are right. In other good news.. NT scan showed perfect and along with our blood work we are told that we are going to have a healthy baby...

For the not so good news... mommy has a 4cm sub chorionic hemorrhage that is in a not so good spot. It is right behind the placenta. That itself would not be concerning if I was not still bleeding bright red blood.. They found that IS from the placenta now completely covering my cervix causing Placenta Previa. As you know Joseph died because my placenta abrupted... so this leaves us feeling so nervous. Dr's prescribed rest.. rest.. and more rest... We were also told that the two situations.. abruption and this are not related just really bad luck.... So I will Work from home when I can and do as little as possible. I go back every 2 weeks to monitor. Pray all is resolved by 20 weeks... and just hope right along with us that everything is going to be alright.

Joseph can you hear mommy? It is 1 week from your birthday - so many people are coming to celebrate your day - around the world others will be lighting a candle or sending off balloons from different locations. I can't wait.. I miss you and love

Put are you listening... Stay baby stay.. Keep growing away. I saw you showing off already and I am So in love with you. mommy PS we are working on your name Right now don't worry.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

A Cherub and Mother Nature

I dreamed what felt like 10 seconds just before I woke from sleep. I was playing indoor soccer and the coach would not put me in because well.. I'm supposed to be on bed rest. Needless to say I was mad anyway and slammed my shampoo bottle down.. it exploded. Why I had shampoo I will never know. Anyway because I could not play I went back to my room in a hotel that had 10 beds to a room.. I was looking for the bed I was to have and everyone kept telling me no sorry.. not this one.. I Finally found my bed (inside a wall) and had to climb up a rope to pull my body into the wall. (yes I said wall) The bed was nice and looked really comfortable and I remember telling myself it was like a safe little womb. I settled in and then noticed that above my bed was an opening to something else. Standing on my tip toes I peaked OVER the celling and to my left was a cherub. At first I thought it was a baby doll... and then the Cherub looked at me blinked.. and then Blew GOLDEN dust out of his hand into my face. Just as the sparkle of dust began to fall it illuminated another bedroom. Filled with purple satin.. mother natures den... She rose from slumber and looked directly into my eyes. She said to me "Your wish will be granted". Then I woke up. What an awesome dream. I hope it comes true.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Was that you blowing me kisses in my dream? I felt you so vividly. You make me feel proud and warm. I love you baby... mom.

Put are you listening? Stay baby Stay - Grow and become the one who I can take home forever. You are in all my thoughts and I love you so much already. Mommy

Saturday, October 2, 2010

October came

I was not expecting October to come. I didn't want to turn that page and see that the month is October. It happened anyway. I watched as I wrote in my own hand his birthday... and his memorial on the loving spots they will arrive. I sobbed as I saw my hand shake.. a tremble in my soul. Although I am so proud of him and all that he has touched this past year.. I am missing him. So many new friends have come into my life making it more rich than I could have imagined... So many people have reached out and voiced hope and love I almost can't keep count. Of loves that have lost his was great. A piece of my heart never to return went to heaven with him. I don't mind.. For my hole has healed with new light and a life I would have never known. Tears of remembering him slip slowly past my cheek and drip under my chin... but once they touch my heart I know a love that is unstoppable.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I miss you little one. I love you more than the world has air. I can feel you smiling down on me... mom.

Put are you listening? Your big brother is helping you I know.. helping you just like a big brother should. I love you...stay baby stay... mommy