I am in a strange parallel right now.. The weeks are ticking down toward Josephs first birthday in heaven... and the weeks are ticking up in baby b's new life. I want each week to come more quickly for this little one growing inside me.. so that I feel he or she is safe... and yet I don't want the weeks to turn any further.. knowing the reality of Joseph not being here for an entire year is looming. I have new appointments made for baby b... and birthday cards for Josephs birthday party ready....just not mailed out yet. I bought a few new onsies for this little one as to show no fear (although I am constantly worried) I picked out a cake to serve my big boy turning one. I am holding my belly and holding my heart at the same time. I live with positive joy and love...but panic catches me off guard. I feel more motherly and round..and hollow missing him sometimes. I am on a grand adventure where each week leads me into the next unknown. It is a wild journey that I am so happy to share with everyone... I joined the group SPALS this week. It is a support group for BLM's who are now pregnant again. It is a private group you can join and I encourage others to check it out. I know I'm leaning hard on everyone... dealing with death and a baby all at one time is as before.. a parallel world.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you big boy.. more than there are seconds in a day.. more than heaven is high in the sky... until forever... mommy
Baby B are you listening? I saw you beating on your 8th week of life yesterday... you are amazing and the courage you have blesses me daily. I love you.. mom.