Thursday, September 2, 2010

parallel

I am in a strange parallel right now.. The weeks are ticking down toward Josephs first birthday in heaven... and the weeks are ticking up in baby b's new life. I want each week to come more quickly for this little one growing inside me.. so that I feel he or she is safe... and yet I don't want the weeks to turn any further.. knowing the reality of Joseph not being here for an entire year is looming. I have new appointments made for baby b... and birthday cards for Josephs birthday party ready....just not mailed out yet. I bought a few new onsies for this little one as to show no fear (although I am constantly worried) I picked out a cake to serve my big boy turning one. I am holding my belly and holding my heart at the same time. I live with positive joy and love...but panic catches me off guard. I feel more motherly and round..and hollow missing him sometimes. I am on a grand adventure where each week leads me into the next unknown. It is a wild journey that I am so happy to share with everyone... I joined the group SPALS this week. It is a support group for BLM's who are now pregnant again. It is a private group you can join and I encourage others to check it out. I know I'm leaning hard on everyone... dealing with death and a baby all at one time is as before.. a parallel world.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you big boy.. more than there are seconds in a day.. more than heaven is high in the sky... until forever... mommy

Baby B are you listening? I saw you beating on your 8th week of life yesterday... you are amazing and the courage you have blesses me daily. I love you.. mom.

3 comments:

Lisette said...

I am so happy that everything is going well with baby B. I know the days ahead are not going to be easy but know that Joseph feels your love. You are a wonderful mommy.

Jill said...

You sound just like me a month ago. It can be so hard and comparing it to a parallel world seems fitting. Happy you joined the new group. I hope it helps. I joined our PALS group in my town.

Maureen said...

Brandy,
All I can add is you are an amazing person, mommy and friend to many. God is with you through all of this, feel the strength of his arms lifting you when you feel down and he is by your side walking with you each and every day. Love you and I look forward to what is coming next............Your friend, Maureen(GiGi)