Saturday, September 25, 2010

Blech

Just when I started to feel really embraced and ready to tell the world about PUT.. bleeding again.. Not nearly as bad as before but, still.. I just want to Scream.. THIS SUCKS. Being a pregnant BLM is ridiculously hard. Every twinge. wipe.. look in the mirror.. questions my ability to be able to do it... To bring a living child home.. BLECH... horrible spit of vial that I have sitting in the pit of my stomach. To top it all off.. I miss my son so much right now.. To have his what would be heavy head resting against my chest would ease the worry that I contain. Every day is a struggle.. Every day I have to tell myself "everything is gonna be alright". I sometimes feel like one of those blow up punching bags... you remember the kind that had a weight in the bottom and when you whapped at it... it would hit the ground only to come right back up again? That is exactly what I feel like.. I just keep getting back up.. moving forward.. shake my head a little with wonder and worry and move my next foot forward.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I hope you can feel my love... It is so strong that I almost know you can.. mom

Put are you listening? Stay baby stay.. We need you so much and love you more than you will ever understand.. mommy.

1 comment:

lis said...

oh no! PUT, STAY PUT BABY!
b, i know its easy to flip the f out, but try to be calm. they keep telling you it's alright, and some women bleed their entire pregnancies (i hope this isn't the case with you). it will be okay, i just know it.

ive been thinking about you and certainly a lot about your son lately. i am hoping to transfer on his birthday, and maybe he will show me a rainbow too...
hugs and wiping away your tears, my friend.
xoxo
lis