Wednesday, September 22, 2010

acceptance

It feels like I have aged 10 years in 3 weeks. With all the activity going on regarding little "put" and bleeding... and the overwhelming Grief wave that has crashed down on me as we approach Joseph's first birthday in heaven... it is a wonder I'm still standing. I am fighting weight loss.. as you know I'm trying to gain weight for the our Put.. and somehow the pounds just keep slipping away. It isn't too bad.. Lost 5lbs that is all and I am eating what I can get into my mouth as often as I can.. but the food chokes me again. Just like it did in the beginning of my grief... I can't sleep.. I wake each night at 1:30am exactly the time little baby Joe was born.... My hair has turned gray.. Not kidding.. Even my husband notices it... and my hairdresser. The lines on my face have deepened and I am tired. BUT, as I sit here today weathered by the storm I am happy. Not kidding.. happy and so thankful for everything... I feel with my new aged body has come such a wisdom... A patients that has never been there before.. a quiet light that is shining once again from inside me out... and then I figured out what it was..... acceptance.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love each day when the sun comes up and I see you shining down over us.. you amaze me.. mommy.

Put are you listening? Stay in there ... stay in there.. Grow and know how loved you are.. mom.

4 comments:

elena said...

It is definitely a happy milestone to reach the acceptance stage of grief. I hope that you are able to eat more when you can. I go back and forth between not eating and lack of sleep as well, so could definitely relate to this post. *hugs*

Maureen said...

God is Blessing you. I am amazed at your strength and your attitude. As always praying for Put!!!
Love and prayers,
Maureen

Stephanie said...

Hey ~ I feel like we could literally be experiening the SAME THINGS only at a distance.

After you commented on my last post, I had to come see your post. I almost laughed out loud when you said your hair is turning grey and the lines are deeper! I have TONS of grey now, and I swear I look ten years older due to the lines on my face. I was always the one that people would assume was 10 yrs. younger than I really was...such nice lineless skin and I was in shape...and could afford to go get my hair done (even without grey). Yep, grief stinks...and pregnancy during grief is just plain hard.

But I am with you ~ I am so thankful and have a new sense of "wisdom" regarding things that I never did before!

Once A Mother said...

praying for you, your hubs, and little put, and remembering Joseph with you as his birthday approaches, and always. He has touched so many of us.
xx