It feels like I have aged 10 years in 3 weeks. With all the activity going on regarding little "put" and bleeding... and the overwhelming Grief wave that has crashed down on me as we approach Joseph's first birthday in heaven... it is a wonder I'm still standing. I am fighting weight loss.. as you know I'm trying to gain weight for the our Put.. and somehow the pounds just keep slipping away. It isn't too bad.. Lost 5lbs that is all and I am eating what I can get into my mouth as often as I can.. but the food chokes me again. Just like it did in the beginning of my grief... I can't sleep.. I wake each night at 1:30am exactly the time little baby Joe was born.... My hair has turned gray.. Not kidding.. Even my husband notices it... and my hairdresser. The lines on my face have deepened and I am tired. BUT, as I sit here today weathered by the storm I am happy. Not kidding.. happy and so thankful for everything... I feel with my new aged body has come such a wisdom... A patients that has never been there before.. a quiet light that is shining once again from inside me out... and then I figured out what it was..... acceptance.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I love each day when the sun comes up and I see you shining down over us.. you amaze me.. mommy.
Put are you listening? Stay in there ... stay in there.. Grow and know how loved you are.. mom.