I read the book... I know the rules (rules don't apply) and still I can not catch a break in my mind. Every single thing I do keeps telling me I'm not lucky enough to have this little one really growing and that.. something may have already happened so... don't go spending on new maternity clothes and baby booties. I am one of the most positive people you will ever meet.. I promise, really I am. Even after Joseph died I decided to look up and grieve in the light.... I managed very well I think.. so far and maybe... Today I am a mess of pessimism... after the high of seeing the heartbeat on Friday I was so sure and confident positive that was all I needed to shake this... this... feeling I have of sorrow again. Overwhelming me is a constant attention to my uterus... I keep thinking was that a cramp? Why does my low back hurt.. am I spotting? Am I crazy? When I got pregnant with Joseph and saw the heart beating for the first time... I just knew that everything was going to be alright... Last time I was pregnant with my little hope in April... I knew from the start that there was not much of a chance.... and we never did see that little bean flicker...yet I was so sure...Today I am 6weeks and 3 days.. I saw the heart beating in front of my eyes... Why am I crying? how can the doubt circle back so fast I feel whiplash? I don't go back until September 1st...... The beast of pregnancy after loss can rear its head.. but it can't win I am too stubborn to let it... I am digging my heals in and giving this everything I've got.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw the rain last night and thought of you splashing in rain boots... I miss you so much and love you even more... mommy.
Baby Jean are you listening.... Every ounce that I have in me wants you.. safe and home until forever... mom