Sunday, August 22, 2010

Pregnancy after loss

I read the book... I know the rules (rules don't apply) and still I can not catch a break in my mind. Every single thing I do keeps telling me I'm not lucky enough to have this little one really growing and that.. something may have already happened so... don't go spending on new maternity clothes and baby booties. I am one of the most positive people you will ever meet.. I promise, really I am. Even after Joseph died I decided to look up and grieve in the light.... I managed very well I think.. so far and maybe... Today I am a mess of pessimism... after the high of seeing the heartbeat on Friday I was so sure and confident positive that was all I needed to shake this... this... feeling I have of sorrow again. Overwhelming me is a constant attention to my uterus... I keep thinking was that a cramp? Why does my low back hurt.. am I spotting? Am I crazy? When I got pregnant with Joseph and saw the heart beating for the first time... I just knew that everything was going to be alright... Last time I was pregnant with my little hope in April... I knew from the start that there was not much of a chance.... and we never did see that little bean flicker...yet I was so sure...Today I am 6weeks and 3 days.. I saw the heart beating in front of my eyes... Why am I crying? how can the doubt circle back so fast I feel whiplash? I don't go back until September 1st...... The beast of pregnancy after loss can rear its head.. but it can't win I am too stubborn to let it... I am digging my heals in and giving this everything I've got.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw the rain last night and thought of you splashing in rain boots... I miss you so much and love you even more... mommy.

Baby Jean are you listening.... Every ounce that I have in me wants you.. safe and home until forever... mom


lis said...

oh brandy it must be so hard. it is understandable to feel this way and just know that for today, at this moment, all is well. if we have to take it moment by moment we will my dear.
thinking of you all the time

Anonymous said...

Hi Brandy,

I check your blog every day for updates. We lost our first baby, Michael, in November at 34 weeks due to an umbilical cord knot. We lost our second last month at 11 weeks (baby stopped growing at 9) I named her Hope. Testing showed she was a girl and totally normal. We are going to start trying again and I am terrified but hopeful. Reading your posts gives me strength to go on. I remember the feeling very well, whiplash is a good term for it. We saw the heartbeat and I still held my breath. I try to be optimistic too but after two losses how can we? I've been in therapy for a few months now and I tell my therapist that I already feel pessimistic about the next pregnancy. I don't know how to expect to bring home a baby when both times we've been pregnant we did not. I have two wishes for my next pregnancy. First is obvious, to bring home a healthy baby. The second is to be able to find joy during the pregnancy. I wish both of these for you as well.

Lead the way for us baby Jean! I'll be reading your every step along this scary, anxious, and hopefully joyful pregnancy,



bir said...

Oh Brandy, I've just come across your blog today and I can't believe that just with this last post you're writing my story. I'm afraid to even write this comment, in case it jinxes me in some stupid way. I am I think one day ahead of you, also in my third pregnancy. I have yet to see a heartbeat - my scan was at 6w, so the bub was too little. My next scan is in two days, at 7 wks, and I am beside myself, convinced that it is all over before it has even begun, and berating myself because I am just not that negative person. Like you, I grieved the loss of my first son with my head up, trying to look forward, and prepare for the day that I would bring his sibling home. I made myself by this little one a new cute little onesie the other day. I reasoned that this little one deserves my belief, but I also couldn't help but reason that "if it doesn't make it... " thought.

Thinking of you Brandy... and hoping, wishing, praying for both of us x

Stephanie said...

Unfortunately, I am right there with doesn't seem to be the easy and happy road for us that I know we both desperately wish it was.

I do think that it is normal ~ not that this is making it easier to live with. I will pray for peace for all of our anxiety and worry!