Sunday, August 29, 2010

The silver

Every cloud has a silver lining... unless you live in the west and the clouds poof pink after a storm. I love the storm clouds from the rain and admire the sheer awe of nature's beauty from pain. A constant rebirth and reminder of what comes can go so quickly and left yet in the path something terrible and still so pretty. Our life continues to be beautiful. I still have pain from loss and then beauty from hope. Not just hope for our future as parents but also hope from what Joseph has brought to our lives... something only mother nature could orchestrate... something so meaningful to all of our hearts. Deep in my soul I feel him rocking to the time of my heart beating.. settled in our lives forever our first born son. Love.

Joseph can you hear mommy? It is almost your birthday in heaven. One is a big deal and we are going to celebrate. I smile when I see you dance in heaven. love until forever... mom

Baby B Jean are you listening? Let me feel you grow and know that you are so wanted so loved.. mommy

Friday, August 27, 2010

Days of the week.

The days of the week keep turning.. Each day I look forward to the next. Monday I was filled with fright... Tuesday I was back to the gym... Wednesday I was so tired from Monday that I just made it... Thursday went fast and busy.. Today I sit shaking my head that just a short week has gone by and all my emotions have been used to the fullest. I tried to open my sisters garage door with my opener.... I boiled eggs and forgot about them for an hour. I flooded the bathroom because I used the sink we had not yet fixed knowing ... it had not yet been fixed. I yelled.. I cried... I slept. Sometimes the days of the week fly by.. Sometimes like this week each day feels like a different year. I got Josephs Birthday cards in the mail today... I bought them from Carly at Red bubble... just love her work so much. I can't wait to celebrate his day.. Oh, how loved he is..

Joseph can you hear mommy? Almost my son... almost 1. I miss you baby boy and see those teeth you cut.. what a cute smile. I picture you with dimples. All my love mom.

Baby B Jean are you listening? Float in the love that surrounds you... Know how much you are loved. Grow to the beautiful soul I know you want to be.. mommy.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Positive energy

To be positive in the face of everything... that is no easy task and yes even I fail to at every twist and turn believe all the time... Not today. Not now and not ever will cast my shadow of doubt. Yesterday and today I was bleeding.. Never a good sign and not what I wanted... I convinced myself and my husband that I'd lost all symptoms of being pregnant... because for some strange reason my pants fit this morning... The mind can play terrible tricks on your body. Your body will give into your mind unless you change it. I went to the Dr today ... not supposed to go but I just could not shake it... the empty feeling... the helplessness. I simply said when I got there.. Please.. Please let this be alright. And Baby B's heart beat... This time we got to hear it. In just 3 short days the little bean grew and looked healthy... Tears of joy spilled and I wept to clear my mind of the fear that was gripping me. Released that strong hold and exhaled a giant sigh of Hope.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw your t-rex in the cloud on the way home... I am happy you are playing in heaven... So clearly and so wonderful you are beautiful... mom

Baby B Jean are you listening... I also saw you today in my belly.. beating and laughing... I can only guess you will be a little girl as only one made from me could give so much trouble in so short of time.... I love you now and always.. Mommy

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Pregnancy after loss

I read the book... I know the rules (rules don't apply) and still I can not catch a break in my mind. Every single thing I do keeps telling me I'm not lucky enough to have this little one really growing and that.. something may have already happened so... don't go spending on new maternity clothes and baby booties. I am one of the most positive people you will ever meet.. I promise, really I am. Even after Joseph died I decided to look up and grieve in the light.... I managed very well I think.. so far and maybe... Today I am a mess of pessimism... after the high of seeing the heartbeat on Friday I was so sure and confident positive that was all I needed to shake this... this... feeling I have of sorrow again. Overwhelming me is a constant attention to my uterus... I keep thinking was that a cramp? Why does my low back hurt.. am I spotting? Am I crazy? When I got pregnant with Joseph and saw the heart beating for the first time... I just knew that everything was going to be alright... Last time I was pregnant with my little hope in April... I knew from the start that there was not much of a chance.... and we never did see that little bean flicker...yet I was so sure...Today I am 6weeks and 3 days.. I saw the heart beating in front of my eyes... Why am I crying? how can the doubt circle back so fast I feel whiplash? I don't go back until September 1st...... The beast of pregnancy after loss can rear its head.. but it can't win I am too stubborn to let it... I am digging my heals in and giving this everything I've got.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I saw the rain last night and thought of you splashing in rain boots... I miss you so much and love you even more... mommy.

Baby Jean are you listening.... Every ounce that I have in me wants you.. safe and home until forever... mom

Friday, August 20, 2010

Baby B for Baby Jean

Today we saw the heart beat. That little bean flickered on screen for his/her debut. As if on cue the smallest gift from god came and we watched with pure joy as baby Jean danced. So much has gone right... every step we have taken on this specific part of our journey has gone our way. For the first time in all the years we have been on this roller coaster... something happened when it should and just how it should. All the signs all the forward momentum. All the love shows here. 6 weeks and 1 day of perfection. My due date is April 14th 2011... Today I will sleep with quiet and in awe of all of this... this miracle in the making...

Joseph can you hear mommy? thanking for looking in the window from heaven and watching over this little brother or sister for us.. Your talent is amazing.. I have more love for you with every second of every day. I miss you little guy and feel you as you shine your love over me... Mommy

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The great unknown

Sometimes it is hard to not know... and other times I wish I did not know at all any of this. I am having trouble keeping focused right now. I am... believe me... doing everything that I know how to do and more....but doubt keeps creeping in that I am really pregnant again and this is our baby to take home. Every little thing that happens makes me nervous and the last thing I need to be is high strung or worried for any reason. I know everything is going to be alright but that does not stop my mind from turning sharp and quick into what if... not.. and then what happens. I trace the steps of my pregnancy with Joseph and all was perfect the whole time... no indication that anything was wrong so how in the heck do I just take that plunge of believing? The answer is I just do. I just have to. I press forward into the great unknown and try to turn on my suspension of disbelief mind on full power. I rest easy in little tricks I play with myself... Ah.. This is how someone can drive themselves crazy... but, I'm already a little crazy anyway. As a new day dawns and I reach out into the great unknown... Peace fills my heart hope guides my way and love is what helps me make it to the next minute.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I picture you in heaven paving the path for this or these gentle souls... who is it to be your little brother or sister or both? I love you ... the littlest Jean, Mommy

Monday, August 16, 2010

Another Milestone

As yet another page turns on the calendar... Another milestone passed. 10 months have gone already and I can't tell you where the time has gone. 10 months of loving him and knowing him and finding my path as a mom to an angel in heaven. I have learned so much about love.. faith and hope. These months have shown me more than I ever expected to know. I have witnessed firsthand deep kindness from many people. I have seen Joseph grow in heaven to be so brave and kind. I am proud of my son and although a little sad as... tick... of time clocks the next chapter.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you sweet little guy. I see you with your baseball cap and smile. Love profound for you. I miss you my baby.. mom

Friday, August 13, 2010


I got a huge whiff of him... something that I have not had in a really long time. I often go in the nursery for anything I can think of... I put my scrapbook things in there and we have moved in a glider for sitting... Even though Joseph did not come home from the hospital I smell him in there sometimes. It happened again this morning as I was finishing getting ready.. I passed the nursery on my way out the door and Wham whoosh.. Love. The biggest smile landed on my lips and I just released the deepest sigh. It is just the little things like this that make me so happy... One Whiff and I know he is safe and warm and happy. I have not been able to smell him in a long while and thought the sent had faded. I'm so glad it is still there allowing me in just for a moment of love and a hug from heaven.

Joseph can you hear mommy? All my love to you sweet little one. Every breath I take for you to know forever my own. Love, mommy.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Gonna be Alright

Theme song.....

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you so much.... Every morning I see you when the sun comes up and every night I tuck you into bed as the sun sets.... Until Forever, mommy.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Going strong...

So far so good. Numbers are where they are supposed to be.... feeling confident that this is my rainbow(s) baby. I have to say that I have had strange pings and pangs and I'm not sure what that means other than my body is starting to work... I guess. I know for sure that I can feel all your good thoughts for me and my husband as we walk into the realm of pregnancy after loss.. hand and hand... I am SO SO SO Hopeful. Keep them coming and thank you so much..

Joseph can you hear mommy? I love you for all that you are and the courage you bring me. I can't tell you enough how beautiful you are... amazing baby Joe.... Love mommy.

Saturday, August 7, 2010


There are so many people who have helped me......... When Joseph died my usually free spirit of giving smiles and laughter was crushed.... My quick wit and kooky nature gone. Even my neck and back physically hurt from hanging my head down so low. Then there where those that came into my life who will forever be new friends. Old friends who really showed up for me and never gave into letting me slip further into dark. Amazing village of love. As it takes a village to raise a child it also takes one to forge their death. I can't give out enough credit to those who did...and forever will be in my heart....If I could I would give back to them the same amount of hope they have given me the world would change... so I will.. I have never been judged for the amount of time I need to grieve.. I have never been questioned as to why I want things with his name on it all the time still. All those that know me understand that I just want to forever keep Joseph memory alive. I want to document each passing moment of my life for him so he can see how much a part of my life he is and will always be. I'm not going to say I don't still have dark moments.. The waves have reduced to small crashes into the sand...but, most of the time my village of hope that surrounds me has shined shined shined into a beautiful part of my life. I am forever changed and will continue to be changed....and when I look inside for who I once was... I see her... only brighter and stronger than before.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Beautiful son who's gifts keep giving and growing with each passing day. I saw you take your first steps in heaven against the magenta sky of night. Sending you so many kisses that you would wiggle and giggle me to stop. I love you my son... mommy

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Can you see it?

I can. Even if you can't see it ..... it is there... BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IVF worked. Today we got the news that our littlest hope is in there. I am stunned happy. All of you know how uncertain the first few weeks are so please.. Keep this on the down low especially if you read here and are a friend of mine of FB... Please don't post. I'll be waiting to make official announcement once we are further down the line. What I CAN use is your help with is prayer.. that this littlest hope keeps growing strong and that this is our future child to bring home forever.

Joseph can you hear mommy? I knew when I saw your letter in the rainbow that you were looking out for us. You amaze me my son. Love for you reaches to heaven today I feel it. mom.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

So Slowly

Time goes by so slowly.... when you are waiting for your tomorrow to come. I have filled my days with what if and when. I have rationalised what should/ will and can happen to being nothing more than worry. I have convinced myself that I already know the outcome and yet.. I wait still not knowing. I am sure those of you who have waited two weeks know what I am feeling. I feel so confident and then so weak. I feel so sure of myself that this IVF worked that I can circle back in under 10 seconds to I couldn't be that lucky. Ah time is a keeper alright. A trapper of thought and emotion. So slowly will the next few days be... so quickly will my mind race with anticipation of what tomorrow will bring.

Joseph can you hear mommy? Big kisses and lots of hugs... smiles and shine to you today and tomorrow and always... mom.