I am eager to do more... say more.. help more.. Love more.. learn more... Breaking out of the deepest darkest depths of grief I awoke to knowing that something is out there that I need to be doing.. for others. I dip my toe in the water now and then but really I need more to do. The blogs I read feed this need and this blog I write releases that desire some. I wish I painted... wrote poetry... baked in clay or had some other way to express this peace I've found but I don't have that thing others do to show expressions. Instead I work out. I know sounds strange but that is what I do. I teach others how to exercise while gaining speed from them I am pushed to better myself at the same time. Working out brings me joy. The thump of the music... the fill of the room with people... the timing of it all. Each step better than the next like a crescendo of pent up grief being released outwardly. In the end I leave feeling exhausted and a rush of adrenaline sooths that hunger for this more... and more.. that I have to do. I am thankful for this ability and this passion of mine. It really gets all the emotions out and leaves me feeling accomplished and fiery for what is to come. Once I can stop this focus on myself I'd love to teach others how to deal with grief through movement. It is explosive and really powerful. All sorts of things have been dreamed up in my head of what this will look like. I can't wait to offer it to all.
Joseph can you hear mommy? I felt you shift in stride today. Must have been that baby thump of you falling hard after trying to walk. Moved me. I miss you terribly and love you with all that I am... mom.