Sunday, July 11, 2010

9 months fast approaching


After Joseph died I started taking pictures of myself.... Without makeup... without my hair done and really just without. I was feeling without in the beginning and I don't know why I started to do it except to say I wanted to SEE my grief. What it did to my features.. what It looks like on me each month. I put an album together of each picture and I'll share them all one day... when I feel ready but... I wanted to say that with nine months fast approaching (July 15th) I feel good. The picture above is me... in one of those "without" photos. I am holding Marlie Storm who is perfect and all of a few hours old when this was taken. I have to say that this is the FIRST time in all the months that I see my "sparkle" back. That little hint of wow that I know is in there. Holding her made my heart sing... It showed me that a baby CAN be born alive and happy and with no complications... She showed me that I am a mom... and will be again. I am no longer "without" and my heart has slowly filled back up again with love and shine and all that It was.... until Last October. Seeing the changes my body has endured and seeing the facial changes in my smile.. laugh.. tears.. eyes.. makes me know I am okay with the 9 month mark coming. And the circle of life is beginning again. I finally feel ready.

Joseph can you hear mommy? You are so beautiful my little one... my own. I miss you still but love you so much more than even that. Until always, Mommy.

7 comments:

Jill said...

You look beautiful "without." Happy to hear you feel good. What an uplifting post.

Stephanie said...

Your post made me smile. I never thought about it before, but I too have been 'without' since Amelia died. Thank you for reminding me that the twinkle is there ~ underneath and can peek out when you least expect it.

lis said...

she is a beauty and so are you! and i can't wait to see this same pic with a different baby in ten months! hows the IVF going?

Ashley said...

You are beautiful, and full of "sparkle." ask anyone you know- you brighten their day, week, month, and year, just by being you. You have brightened my life, and left a mark that is absolutely permanent!
They are up there, together...what are they doing? I guess it will be their little secret!

Sole Sister said...

You're gorgeous really, and the little miracle is also beautiful. I can't wait to see you holding YOUR rainbow and flashing that million dollar smile months from now.

Elizabeth said...

You are a beautifull woman that doesn't even need the use of makeup. But I'm glad you found a sparkle holding that baby. One day you will hold your rainbow baby and will just shine. *hugs*

elena said...

You have such a beautiful smile and Marlie is precious :) she's beautiful just like her mommy! Your words were so true to my heart in that seeing babies born alive and happy without complications does bring hope. What an uplifting post, thank you!