Saturday, June 12, 2010
Today was yet another first in the long journey of firsts while grieving my son. I am surprised at how peaceful the day was and how much I enjoyed it. I went to my first baby shower. I thought it was going to be really emotional.. all the women talking about birth stories and babies. I listened this time to everyone tell each story of life and birth and hope and love. It came to me... and I just felt like sharing my story. It didn't have to be sad... it was still an amazing experience and I am so grateful that I was pregnant and that I am a mother just as these women are.. I am equal not less than and I too have pride in my son. So it isn't up to me to decide who gets Sad when I tell them my story.. Or to worry if someone may turn away or look away for reasons unknown... It is up to me to tell my story with pride and love... to share his birth and the experience I had. He was born and I am a mother. I can smile when I talk of him and all his features just as much as a mother to a baby living.. I can wink all knowing when the mother to be felt so uncomfortable today sitting in a big chair... I've been there too. I know how it feels... and it is ok for me to share... I feel free to express desire to conceive again and I feel calm. I have a beautiful son and I am happy that he was... a whisper of time here but eternity above. With dreams of being showered again.. I know it will come and in time Joseph's brother or sister will safely arrive and how amazing and special it all will be. As if to tell me.... just these words Joseph said... me too... and the balloon hanging outside on the mailbox signifying the house for the shower... broke free from its hold and sored into the sky. A teddy bear holding an umbrella. As I watched it fly I said it to everyone... Joseph was here to say god bless you little Marlie inside your Mommy's belly and may her arrival be safe... I'm taking this balloon back to heaven for a while.
Joseph can you hear mommy? so sweet of you to come to the party and give your gifts to everyone there. Every day you amaze me and my love for you grows and grows.. limitless. Love mom.
at 8:03 PM